Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?
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Anonymous
I don’t do this (I am not on Facebook) but this response is itself overly dramatic and severe. I think people often post to social media out of a desire to connect and be accepted, and I think “vaguebooking” is a perfect example of this. They are having feelings and want to share them in a socially acceptable way and maybe get affirmation and validation. Is this the best way to go about that? No. But does that make their goal inherently bad or even particularly unusual? Nope. I honestly don’t think there’s much difference between and social media post. A vague quote, a picture from your vacation, a complaint about a bad customer service experience, a baby announcement. It’s all the same. People want to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. Some is more effective that others but the desire is the same. It’s silly to criticize someone who vaguebooks as needier or more dramatic than anything else. |
Anonymous
I think much of the time we do ignore red flags. Then say, "oh yes, should have paid attention to that." |
Anonymous
No; it is rude to talk about events to which you are invited but other people may not be. Don’t you teach your kids that? No one did anything wrong in this scenario. |
Anonymous
Truly the last remaining benefit of FB is that it helps me weed out the crazy people faster. |
Anonymous
I think that this would be an unrealistic solution for most events. The tickets might be insanely expensive, like Hamilton or a sports playoff, or they may be unavailable or they may have assigned seats such that the fifth ticket is nowhere near the other 4. |
Anonymous
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OP,
She doesn’t see you as a friend. Period. |
Anonymous
I think I would say it when everyone is present. Tell them nicely. Tell them "no hard feelings" and its a-ok when everyone is not invited or one person is not invited. No one is owed an explanation. Only thing you would want is that since you move in the same circles that people don't make an attempt to "hide" it from you because then it becomes "weird". Later on, you should start inviting people to your parties and exclude a few of them, without trying to hide it from anyone. This incident has given you the perfect excuse to exclude people you want to exclude. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. And have a similar friend group dynamic, OP. You keep calling these defined “groups” but this woman doesn’t feel that the “women group” is her inner circle, if that makes sense. |
Anonymous
| She’s not digging your vibe. I’m guessing you’re not rich or important enough. |
Anonymous
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I have a group of female friends...they aren't my closest friends so not my main priority as far as friendships goes. Their husbands hang out on occasion and my DH doesn't find any commonalities with them. We occasionally get left out of certain things but I am often relieved because we would probably say no anyway...so no offense either way.
I do empathize with your hurt of not being invited in a gathering of just women....but now you know exactly where you stand with that one woman. Don't prioritize her and feel free to leave her out of your birthday gathering. After all, she set the tone. |
Anonymous
| Happened to me with ym college friend group. I know exactly which woman and man intentionally exclude me too. After that, I wasn't a friend group kind of person. 1 on 1 only please. |
Anonymous
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The problem is your other friends responding to your invite by saying they were busy and purposefully not sharing why. I would tell them that you were not upset to not be invited (yes, this is a stretch, but you said yourself that you are not particularly close to the birthday girl) but that you wished you had not found out through your husband because that made it feel more like being excluded. “Next time you can just tell me! It’s not a big deal but I don’t like feeling like the last to know.”
I would also try to expand your social circle because this group is less static than you thought. I think many people are having to make these adjustments right now. We limited our socializing a bit more during Covid and now we are trying to branch out more. It’s not an insult to our close friends, but I think it’s good to have variety in your social life if you can. It gives you more options. I think it’s better to have a few friends from different parts of life than a lot of friends who all hang out together. It feels more stable and less vulnerable to these kinds of inclusion/exclusion dynamics. |
Anonymous
FTR - we don't have to speculate, it was a random Nats game. The reason it "hurt" is because we thought we were all equally good friends prior to this, so learning our ranking hurt our feelings a bit - but it's fine - we learned it / noted it/ and moved on. In general - I do host parties, etc. and I do understand that you can't invite everyone at all times, even when you try to be inclusive, and coronavirus has even exacerbated that which sucks. I do think OP has gotten some good advice here - good luck OP!!! |
Anonymous
Did you hit on her husband or something? Have a history with him? It sounds like there’s a specific reason you weren’t invited that you aren’t sharing. |
Anonymous
I agree. I would assume that with COVID restrictions, I didn’t make the cut for a small gathering— held by someone that I’m not very close to. So she’s not in your inner circle of friends and you’re not in hers. I can get why this might sting, but no one did anything wrong here. Most people would politely say that they have another commitment. Saying “I’m going to Alice’s party, did you make the cut? No?” Would potentially be deliberately hurtful and also put the host of the party in a difficult position. |