Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

[Anonymous]

I’d feel miffed too, that sucks. Especially because it sounds like the rest of the group was complicit. I’d move on from this group (easy for me to say though as I’m single and I know having couple friends is tricky)

[Anonymous]

I would be hurt too. And be upset with the other women who went and didn’t tell you. They knew you weren’t going and could have also told the birthday girl to invite you. I would be rethinking my friendship with the group

[Anonymous]

She likely just sees you as a distant acquaintance and no part of her main friend group. That is totally fine, you should just know that and behave accordingly. Not everyone needs to be a real friend and you don't need to be included in everything.

[Anonymous]

I would feel hurt and singled out, and it would make me feel awkward in that group of couples moving forward.

I’m not sure what the answer is. I don’t necessarily think people should have to invite someone to a party if they don’t want to for somewhat reason. But I also think you are justified in being hurt. In your shoes, I would feel particularly hurt by my other friends being cagey/awkward about the event instead of just telling you. You were going to find out eventually and the way you found out sucks.

It might be worth it to tell your other friends that in the future you’d prefer honesty. No one likes feeling lied to. If this other woman doesn’t like you, oh well (it’s probably about done hang up if hers, not something wrong with you). But you should be able to expect your other friends to be honest and kind, and lying and being cagey isn’t that. They might say they were trying to spare your feelings, but really they were just trying to avoid a hard conversation. They should be better than that.

[Anonymous]

Disagree with the PP about telling you. No one should have told you anything. Finding out a different way doesn't make it better.

Now you know. You can be hurt. And maybe don't invest so much in such a cliquey group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She likely just sees you as a distant acquaintance and no part of her main friend group. That is totally fine, you should just know that and behave accordingly. Not everyone needs to be a real friend and you don't need to be included in everything.

+1. Also, she might have paid for everyone's dinner, which makes each individual invitee a bigger decision. Or maybe the restaurant only had space for X people, and it sounds like the extra women you mentioned were probably her good friends or family outside the group. Not having space for the casual acquaintance in one of your friend groups is totally understandable.

[Anonymous]

You're in a group, but as you say, you're not especially close. On her birthday, she chose to celebrate not only with this group, but with other friends with whom she is close. And who knows, maybe she could only reserve a table for 12 outdoors at this restaurant, or some other body-count restriciton.

You aren't close. You said it yourself.

Move on with your day.

[Anonymous]

She’s trying to edge you out of the group. Proceed with caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with the PP about telling you. No one should have told you anything. Finding out a different way doesn't make it better.

Now you know. You can be hurt. And maybe don't invest so much in such a cliquey group.

They should have told her. You just say “oh I can’t Saturday, I’m going to larla’s birthday thing.” Stating it matter if factly normalizes it. OP can take in that info (she is not close enough to Larla for an invite) and move on.

By avoiding telling OP, her friends made it weird. Like she was being excluded. It implies there was a conversation about it since they were all cagey about it (so likely discussed beforehand and agreed not to tell her). That’s sketchy!

Just be honest and people will figure stuff out. It’s when you get sneaky and withholding that problems develop. Don’t be weird.

[Anonymous]

I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

[Anonymous]

I've been in your shoes. In my case, I found out from pictures posted to IG by another friend. I was hurt, but then shrugged it off as in truth the birthday woman and I weren't that close. We still see each other in group settings, but that's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to edge you out of the group. Proceed with caution.

How old are you? I assume most adults in their 30s or older don't have time for this kind of crap. A woman is allowed to invite your friends to a birthday party without inviting you. You can continue being friends with all your friends - and even her, if you want. It doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Imagine giving shyt about not being invited to the birthday of a woman *with whom you are not even close and only see in a group setting.* Get a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with the PP about telling you. No one should have told you anything. Finding out a different way doesn't make it better.

Now you know. You can be hurt. And maybe don't invest so much in such a cliquey group.

They should have told her. You just say “oh I can’t Saturday, I’m going to larla’s birthday thing.” Stating it matter if factly normalizes it. OP can take in that info (she is not close enough to Larla for an invite) and move on.

By avoiding telling OP, her friends made it weird. Like she was being excluded. It implies there was a conversation about it since they were all cagey about it (so likely discussed beforehand and agreed not to tell her). That’s sketchy!

Just be honest and people will figure stuff out. It’s when you get sneaky and withholding that problems develop. Don’t be weird.

Yeah women can be so immature about this stuff. I had a friend, not a close friend, talk about some couples gathering she went to and then she paused and turned red and said "Ohhhh, I should not be telling you. We should have invited you and your husband." I was like "Why??" but wanted to add that we are not that close. In a million years I would not expect to be invited and we have other friends, but she acted like she had done some horrible exclusion. When she was matter of factly talking about it I didn't care. Once she got all weird it felt uncomfortable. Calm down...we have other friends too.