Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

You already said you were not especially close. She did not feel close enough to invite you to her birthday celebration and you don’t have to invite her to your birthday celebration. You have friends outside of the group, the other women in the group have friends that are not friends with you. Please remember that when you become friends with people you don’t OWN them and they do not OWN you.
Now you know how she is, act accordingly!

Me again, And I mean act accordingly now that you know those other women are like that because there was nothing wrong with a woman not inviting you but the other women if your so-called friends shouldn’t have been so cagey about it they could’ve said oh I can’t make it I’m going to something with boo-boo head Betty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

You already said you were not especially close. She did not feel close enough to invite you to her birthday celebration and you don’t have to invite her to your birthday celebration. You have friends outside of the group, the other women in the group have friends that are not friends with you. Please remember that when you become friends with people you don’t OWN them and they do not OWN you.
Now you know how she is, act accordingly!

Catch up. OP already texted the woman and they cleared the air and made up. Your advice is bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

You already said you were not especially close. She did not feel close enough to invite you to her birthday celebration and you don’t have to invite her to your birthday celebration. You have friends outside of the group, the other women in the group have friends that are not friends with you. Please remember that when you become friends with people you don’t OWN them and they do not OWN you.
Now you know how she is, act accordingly!

Catch up. OP already texted the woman and they cleared the air and made up. Your advice is bad.

Catch up to her nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

You already said you were not especially close. She did not feel close enough to invite you to her birthday celebration and you don’t have to invite her to your birthday celebration. You have friends outside of the group, the other women in the group have friends that are not friends with you. Please remember that when you become friends with people you don’t OWN them and they do not OWN you.
Now you know how she is, act accordingly!

Catch up. OP already texted the woman and they cleared the air and made up. Your advice is bad.

Catch up to her nuts.

It's funny how all the people telling OP to "grow up" and "get over it" are also the people hurling insults and acting like petulant children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

That's a great resolution OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

I’m so embarrassed for you. She is being utterly graceful, and acting like this is “refreshing,” but it’s not. You were beyond immature and rude; who she invited to her birthday—whether it was thrown by her or not—is NONE of your business. You can bet she and the other friends in the group are now discussing how to “navigate” you going forward. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

Wow! That’s a weight off your feelings, I’m sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you need to teach your kids early that you will not (and should not) be invited to everything.

OP - do you talk/text/interact with this woman on a regular basis individually?

I agree, but to pretend like being left out isn't hurtful at times isn't helpful. Being excluded sucks, and telling people its ok you can't get invited to everything is about as helpful as telling someone who just got dumped that there are other fish in the sea. People have feelings, and the excluders often aren't looking beyond themselves. Certainly this group of "friends" wasn't looking out for OP. Really, none of them was like what about Jane?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

I’m so embarrassed for you. She is being utterly graceful, and acting like this is “refreshing,” but it’s not. You were beyond immature and rude; who she invited to her birthday—whether it was thrown by her or not—is NONE of your business. You can bet she and the other friends in the group are now discussing how to “navigate” you going forward. Ugh.

Yeah, that’s kind of my read on it, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

I’m so embarrassed for you. She is being utterly graceful, and acting like this is “refreshing,” but it’s not. You were beyond immature and rude; who she invited to her birthday—whether it was thrown by her or not—is NONE of your business. You can bet she and the other friends in the group are now discussing how to “navigate” you going forward. Ugh.

Yeah, that’s kind of my read on it, too.

+2. I won't be surprised if OP is slowly phased out of this group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

You already said you were not especially close. She did not feel close enough to invite you to her birthday celebration and you don’t have to invite her to your birthday celebration. You have friends outside of the group, the other women in the group have friends that are not friends with you. Please remember that when you become friends with people you don’t OWN them and they do not OWN you.
Now you know how she is, act accordingly!

Catch up. OP already texted the woman and they cleared the air and made up. Your advice is bad.

I highly doubt it's all gravy now. OP won't forget the slight and birthday girl is going to think OP is weird and socially stunted. She replied about as well as she could have in the text but this isn't likely to make them better friends.

[Anonymous]

Wait- so why were the friends cagey?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

This reminds me of an episode of Real Housewives of Potomac. Yes I'd also feel hurt by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

I’m so embarrassed for you. She is being utterly graceful, and acting like this is “refreshing,” but it’s not. You were beyond immature and rude; who she invited to her birthday—whether it was thrown by her or not—is NONE of your business. You can bet she and the other friends in the group are now discussing how to “navigate” you going forward. Ugh.

Yeah, that’s kind of my read on it, too.

+2. I won't be surprised if OP is slowly phased out of this group.

Not OP but this cynical take on things is very sad. I previously thought OP shouldn’t reach out to the friend but she did in a very respectful manner and got a similar response. My take is this will bring the friendship closer. As adults, if we want fruitful, healthy relationships with those around us, we need to be comfortable expressing our fears/concerns/vulnerabilities when we’re hurt in order to move things forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

You already said you were not especially close. She did not feel close enough to invite you to her birthday celebration and you don’t have to invite her to your birthday celebration. You have friends outside of the group, the other women in the group have friends that are not friends with you. Please remember that when you become friends with people you don’t OWN them and they do not OWN you.
Now you know how she is, act accordingly!

Catch up. OP already texted the woman and they cleared the air and made up. Your advice is bad.

I highly doubt it's all gravy now. OP won't forget the slight and birthday girl is going to think OP is weird and socially stunted. She replied about as well as she could have in the text but this isn't likely to make them better friends.

+100. If I had a social-circle friend pull a stunt like this, you can bet I would be cordial but keep her at a distance as much as possible. I might throw her a coffee bone to pacify the “slight,” but I would think she was—as you so perfectly put it—socially stunted, and would phase her out accordingly. I don’t have the time or inclination to bring along the awkward clingers at this point in the game. If you haven’t figured out by now that not everyone gets invited to every little thing, I’m not your cruise director or your social guide. I’ve got better things to do than cater to Stage Five Clingers.