Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

I think the issue here is thinking of yourselves as a fixed group where every event is a package deal. Maybe the other woman doesn't it see it that way. She might have seen it as having friends that she sees in different settings and when it came to her birthday she wanted to invite her close friends from all different settings. I've had this happen where I'm in a "group" where there are people that think that everyone needs to be a part of every gathering and they get annoyed if two families get together instead of all four families. Or if two couples hang out with a different couple outside of the group. But in my case there were two couples that were friendly but not really good friends so it didn't always make sense to force everyone together for the sake of making sure the whole group is together. I would move away with only hanging out as a group and either start mixing others in at the events where you host or doing one-off things with individuals to build a stronger relationship.

This is the most reasonable response here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're in a group, but as you say, you're not especially close. On her birthday, she chose to celebrate not only with this group, but with other friends with whom she is close. And who knows, maybe she could only reserve a table for 12 outdoors at this restaurant, or some other body-count restriciton.

You aren't close. You said it yourself.

Move on with your day.

I agree with this. And have a similar friend group dynamic, OP. You keep calling these defined “groups” but this woman doesn’t feel that the “women group” is her inner circle, if that makes sense.

I agree with this. You don’t need to invite this other woman to things unless you really want to. I do think it is normal to feel hurt, but, ultimately we are adults and know we can’t be invited to everything. These large social groups are not for everybody. I ditched one 10 years ago and have never been happier. I socialize with the the few people I really want to from the group and am much happier. There is so much drama. It is like high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

If she invited people outside the group as well, then I think she was basing her invitations on people with whom she is close (which you acknowledge does not include you), as opposed to thinking that she is inviting this friend group and excluding you.

I don't think your other friends were being cagey, which suggests some sort of underhandedness; they were being polite not to mention something to which you were not invited.

I think you should feel slighted if she invites everyone in the group except you, but no one else. That is a purposeful exclusion of you. This doesn't seem like it to me.

I agree. If we aren’t close, I wouldn’t attend anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

It's possible she didn't actually plan the party and someone else did. It might be someone who knew the group but didn't know you so had no idea to invite you. But if you aren't close, maybe she gets a vibe from you that you don't like her and who wants to invite someone who doesn't like them to their party? It still sucks but you have to decide it it bothers you enough to not hang out with them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

If she invited people outside the group as well, then I think she was basing her invitations on people with whom she is close (which you acknowledge does not include you), as opposed to thinking that she is inviting this friend group and excluding you.

I don't think your other friends were being cagey, which suggests some sort of underhandedness; they were being polite not to mention something to which you were not invited.

I think you should feel slighted if she invites everyone in the group except you, but no one else. That is a purposeful exclusion of you. This doesn't seem like it to me.

+1

I see this less as she’s trying to exclude you and be mean and more as a sign that she feels closer to other people than she does to you. That said, maybe I’m immature but going forward, I wouldn’t include her in group plans if I were the one hosting or inviting. She’s shown you she’s not that into you, so why initiate spending any more time with her? You can be polite if others invite the larger group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks. Something sort of similar happened to us where a guy had 4 free tickets and there were 5 of us in the group & my husband did not make the cut. We are still friends with them but we made a note of it for interactions going forward if you know what I mean. Sorry - it sucks.

I don’t know what you mean, actually.

Lol well mainly we consider the person who had the tickets as the one who made the decision so we don’t hold it against the others. But just like ok - noted - I’m not in your top 4 haha. And we do try to be inclusive but if there was ever a situation where we couldn’t fit everyone - we wouldn’t have to feel bad if that guy didn’t make the cut.

This was a number of years ago and we are largely over it at this point. Haha.

Yeah, but someone had to be left out. They only had 4 tickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them all out. Or at least put a quote up on FB talking about the situation so everyone knows you know.

That’s just so immature. Don’t do this!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks. Something sort of similar happened to us where a guy had 4 free tickets and there were 5 of us in the group & my husband did not make the cut. We are still friends with them but we made a note of it for interactions going forward if you know what I mean. Sorry - it sucks.

I don’t know what you mean, actually.

Lol well mainly we consider the person who had the tickets as the one who made the decision so we don’t hold it against the others. But just like ok - noted - I’m not in your top 4 haha. And we do try to be inclusive but if there was ever a situation where we couldn’t fit everyone - we wouldn’t have to feel bad if that guy didn’t make the cut.

This was a number of years ago and we are largely over it at this point. Haha.

Yeah, but someone had to be left out. They only had 4 tickets.

Right, and like PP said, if she were in a similar situation or wanted to have a smaller gathering, this couple would also be #5, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not digging your vibe. I’m guessing you’re not rich or important enough.

I actually know women like this - they only invite or befriend those higher class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

If she invited people outside the group as well, then I think she was basing her invitations on people with whom she is close (which you acknowledge does not include you), as opposed to thinking that she is inviting this friend group and excluding you.

I don't think your other friends were being cagey, which suggests some sort of underhandedness; they were being polite not to mention something to which you were not invited.

I think you should feel slighted if she invites everyone in the group except you, but no one else. That is a purposeful exclusion of you. This doesn't seem like it to me.

I agree. If we aren’t close, I wouldn’t attend anyway.

Please. You would attend. Just to be part of the crew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with the PP about telling you. No one should have told you anything. Finding out a different way doesn't make it better.

Now you know. You can be hurt. And maybe don't invest so much in such a cliquey group.

Exactly this! Don’t think of your set of 4 couples as something you need to preserve for future invitations. Have a get together, invite your closest friend in the group and branch out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree with the PP about telling you. No one should have told you anything. Finding out a different way doesn't make it better.

Now you know. You can be hurt. And maybe don't invest so much in such a cliquey group.

Exactly this! Don’t think of your set of 4 couples as something you need to preserve for future invitations. Have a get together, invite your closest friend in the group and branch out.

So basically act like the birthday girl and exclude? Talk about causing drama!

[Anonymous]

I would feel hurt to (because this suggests that the birthday celebrant is not as close to you as the others). But there is really not much you can do about that. It sounds like she was not your fave anyway.

I would NOT be hurt because your other friends did not tell you. It is awkward to be invited to something when another is not. It is NOT their place to reveal that to the uninvited person. They did not want to hurt you or have to discuss the inviter's reasoning.

Just move forward knowing that you are not among the birthday girl's closest friends.Continue to invite the people whose company you enjoy to events. It is part of life. But your feelings are understandable.

Agree. It is NOT polite to discuss events to which others have not been invited or speculate on the reasoning. Others saying these friends should have notified OP are not being considerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

Hi OP. This exact thing happened to us in our neighborhood. It DID hurt. I’m going to warn you now: This is the beginning of the end of this group. The birthday girl won’t be your longterm problem. The problem will be feeling weirded out by the ones who attended and deliberately hid it from you. Their choice with the hiding bit will corrode those relationships - it is a matter of time. I’m so sorry and it truly sucks. I would play it cool and friendly but detached with them, and actively invest in other friends outside this group NOW.

— BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not digging your vibe. I’m guessing you’re not rich or important enough.

I actually know women like this - they only invite or befriend those higher class

Welcome to the DMV. I guarantee OP and her husband are of slightly lower status than the other 3.