Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP-- that's rude behavior. The fact that your friends didn't tell you implies that they know they were being complicit in rude behavior and that there was a conversation about it in advance (i.e. agreeing not to tell you). They probably did it because they didn't want to hurt your feelings, but it sure didn't stop them from attending the party. It's also immature for them to think that you wouldn't find out.

I would consider whether these are good friends--maybe still hang out occasionally, but branch out if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to edge you out of the group. Proceed with caution.

How old are you? I assume most adults in their 30s or older don't have time for this kind of crap. A woman is allowed to invite your friends to a birthday party without inviting you. You can continue being friends with all your friends - and even her, if you want. It doesn't matter.

Np. True. But why did the friends lie and not tell her why they were busy? I think op knows she doesn't have the right to every invitation but lying is sneaky and exclusionary.

Op I would try to find another group of friends and not view them as good friends anymore. Sorry!

That's the main point right there. Most people would say, "oh sorry, but I'm doing this or that". It sounds like they all discussed not telling her which would make me dump them all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them all out. Or at least put a quote up on FB talking about the situation so everyone knows you know.

Lol I hope you are joking about vague-booking.

No not joking. These are the situations FB is perfect for. That way you don’t have to actually confront anyone, everyone already knows that you know.

I still think / hope you're joking. But if not - NO ONE LIKES VAGUE BOOKING! LOL.

DP. I was certain that Facebook advice was a joke! It gave me a good chuckle. I thought it was a perfect answer for the “bad advice” thread.

It sucks OP was excluded. It also sucks her friends didn’t give her the heads up about it along with a nice statement like that they’re sure she wasn’t included because there was limited room at the venue and you haven’t known birthday girl as long. Totally understand being hurt. But also, if you enjoy hanging out with these people, try to let it go. You don’t have to do everything together/be invited to everything in order to be friends. If you want to have a birthday dinner for yourself, feel free to invite everyone or not.

[Anonymous]

I would be incredibly hurt. It’s a twofold hurt because one you weren’t invited to an event that everybody else was. And secondly, the people who you thought were your friends clearly all spoke about it before hand to be secretive. You were excluded.

I have been there and done that. I came to and understanding that I thought we were closer friends then what we were. I thought we were inner circle friends but turns out I was an outer circle friend. Once I came to that understanding I did grieve a little bit but once I moved on I felt better. It doesn’t end friendships but you move forward accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them all out. Or at least put a quote up on FB talking about the situation so everyone knows you know.

Lol I hope you are joking about vague-booking.

No not joking. These are the situations FB is perfect for. That way you don’t have to actually confront anyone, everyone already knows that you know.

I still think / hope you're joking. But if not - NO ONE LIKES VAGUE BOOKING! LOL.

I swear some of the posters here are 15 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

This.

Our queen bee loves me and then excluded me. Later, I found out she excluded others, too. It was toxic.

I see people 1-1 or maybe in groups of 2-4 if some of my friends already know each other.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had access to everyone's google calendars!! FOMO HURTS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

I think the issue here is thinking of yourselves as a fixed group where every event is a package deal. Maybe the other woman doesn't it see it that way. She might have seen it as having friends that she sees in different settings and when it came to her birthday she wanted to invite her close friends from all different settings. I've had this happen where I'm in a "group" where there are people that think that everyone needs to be a part of every gathering and they get annoyed if two families get together instead of all four families. Or if two couples hang out with a different couple outside of the group. But in my case there were two couples that were friendly but not really good friends so it didn't always make sense to force everyone together for the sake of making sure the whole group is together. I would move away with only hanging out as a group and either start mixing others in at the events where you host or doing one-off things with individuals to build a stronger relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them all out. Or at least put a quote up on FB talking about the situation so everyone knows you know.

Lol I hope you are joking about vague-booking.

No not joking. These are the situations FB is perfect for. That way you don’t have to actually confront anyone, everyone already knows that you know.

Oh my goodness, no. This would not only ostracize her from this group, but any other would-be friends. I would avoid anyone IRL who did something like this. Totally pathetic.

I disagree. She’s already on the outs from this group - hence her not being invited and the others being cagey.

[Anonymous]

This friend group isn’t a package deal. Would you really have attended this dinner and brought a gift for the birthday girl? Let it go.

[Anonymous]

You'll know if it was coincidental or what in the near future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them all out. Or at least put a quote up on FB talking about the situation so everyone knows you know.

Are you 14?

[Anonymous]

Did you wish her a happy birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them all out. Or at least put a quote up on FB talking about the situation so everyone knows you know.

Lol I hope you are joking about vague-booking.

No not joking. These are the situations FB is perfect for. That way you don’t have to actually confront anyone, everyone already knows that you know.

Oh my goodness, no. This would not only ostracize her from this group, but any other would-be friends. I would avoid anyone IRL who did something like this. Totally pathetic.

+1000. As soon as I find out someone is the type of person who posts vague booking statuses to social media, I know that they are a drama queen, and to avoid them as much as possible. My only problem is not finding out soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you wish her a happy birthday?

Now that's a good idea. Assuming she's on FB with her do it there, and tell her you hope she had a great birthday party as well, LOL.

See what comes back OP.