Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

+1 Every group of females friends I’ve ever been on the periphery of as an adult has thrown up so many red flags. Even worse when the husbands are all expected to be friends as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine giving shyt about not being invited to the birthday of a woman *with whom you are not even close and only see in a group setting.* Get a hobby.

This is a little harsh but I agree. Some acquaintance's birthday party is the absolute last thing I have time to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

If she invited people outside the group as well, then I think she was basing her invitations on people with whom she is close (which you acknowledge does not include you), as opposed to thinking that she is inviting this friend group and excluding you.

I don't think your other friends were being cagey, which suggests some sort of underhandedness; they were being polite not to mention something to which you were not invited.

I think you should feel slighted if she invites everyone in the group except you, but no one else. That is a purposeful exclusion of you. This doesn't seem like it to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

+1 Every group of females friends I’ve ever been on the periphery of as an adult has thrown up so many red flags. Even worse when the husbands are all expected to be friends as well.

This is not my experience and makes me think the problem might be you. I'm in several different groups of girlfriends and we're all adults who care about, support each other and enjoy each other's company. Adult women who think other women are sO mUcH dRamA are usually the ones with the issue.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I’m still emotionally 5 years old, but I would stop inviting her to stuff. I would try to get a sense of the other friends. Try to host events with some friends from this group and another group to shake up the insular dynamic.

I don’t think I would write off the group friends for being awkward about the birthday thing—UNLESS it happened again. If you’re particularly close to one friend you can even jokingly say that “you can tell me this stuff!”

[Anonymous]

I think it's ok to be a little hurt. Take this information to inform yourself with how close you really are. If you like the other women, maybe make some efforts to do things 1 on 1, which can be better than the group things anyhow.

But I wouldn't blow up a well functioning friend group over this. We are grown ups and can't be invited to everything.

I'd try to see it as just a "we aren't as close as the rest" type thing and not a Queen Bee situation. Give people grace and assume good intentions. Most people have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe I’m still emotionally 5 years old, but I would stop inviting her to stuff. I would try to get a sense of the other friends. Try to host events with some friends from this group and another group to shake up the insular dynamic.

I don’t think I would write off the group friends for being awkward about the birthday thing—UNLESS it happened again. If you’re particularly close to one friend you can even jokingly say that “you can tell me this stuff!”

But your first sentence makes it clear she CAN'T tell you this stuff or you'll act like a 5 year old.

The best way to show you are NOT a 5 year old is to ask the other women if they had fun at Nancy's birthday dinner. And confidently say you are glad they did! No b*tchiness allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

+1 Every group of females friends I’ve ever been on the periphery of as an adult has thrown up so many red flags. Even worse when the husbands are all expected to be friends as well.

This is not my experience and makes me think the problem might be you. I'm in several different groups of girlfriends and we're all adults who care about, support each other and enjoy each other's company. Adult women who think other women are sO mUcH dRamA are usually the ones with the issue.

Hahaha, ok, thanks. Noted. FWIW, I have several very close adult female friends me who mean the world to me. It’s more the groups of 4+ women that form around kid friendships/neighborhood blocks/schools/etc. that I’ve learned to avoid. I’m glad to hear it’s not universal, though.

[Anonymous]

You’re the weakest link in this social group and/or she doesn’t really my like you that much. Proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I would think that you see this as a social group, but the others don’t. Find new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

+1 Every group of females friends I’ve ever been on the periphery of as an adult has thrown up so many red flags. Even worse when the husbands are all expected to be friends as well.

This is not my experience and makes me think the problem might be you. I'm in several different groups of girlfriends and we're all adults who care about, support each other and enjoy each other's company. Adult women who think other women are sO mUcH dRamA are usually the ones with the issue.

Hahaha, ok, thanks. Noted. FWIW, I have several very close adult female friends me who mean the world to me. It’s more the groups of 4+ women that form around kid friendships/neighborhood blocks/schools/etc. that I’ve learned to avoid. I’m glad to hear it’s not universal, though.

Love you. I am the other one who is not into large lady groups, but I do fine with female friends and forming close friendships. Your response made me laugh and it was so what i would do. Don't get noted and just be like "OK lady thanks for sharing!" I also laugh because I worked with someone who always bragged about her massive group of lady friends who meant the world to her....until she dumped them all and complained what a bunch of b&tches they were. She used to go on and on about the love and kinship they all shared and then all of sudden she sang a different tune....and obsessed about how awful they were daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

+1 Every group of females friends I’ve ever been on the periphery of as an adult has thrown up so many red flags. Even worse when the husbands are all expected to be friends as well.

This is not my experience and makes me think the problem might be you. I'm in several different groups of girlfriends and we're all adults who care about, support each other and enjoy each other's company. Adult women who think other women are sO mUcH dRamA are usually the ones with the issue.

Hahaha, ok, thanks. Noted. FWIW, I have several very close adult female friends me who mean the world to me. It’s more the groups of 4+ women that form around kid friendships/neighborhood blocks/schools/etc. that I’ve learned to avoid. I’m glad to hear it’s not universal, though.

Love you. I am the other one who is not into large lady groups, but I do fine with female friends and forming close friendships. Your response made me laugh and it was so what i would do. Don't get noted and just be like "OK lady thanks for sharing!" I also laugh because I worked with someone who always bragged about her massive group of lady friends who meant the world to her....until she dumped them all and complained what a bunch of b&tches they were. She used to go on and on about the love and kinship they all shared and then all of sudden she sang a different tune....and obsessed about how awful they were daily.

Sorry...don't get defensive not don't get noted..

[Anonymous]

OP the fact they weren't upfront and acted cagey about it shows they aren't your friends. No you should have been invited, nor should there have been any secrecy. I would slowly disengage, and make better friends. These are not adults, but women who never got out of the high school mentality.

Basically not one told you what the plans were? Rude and unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

+1 Every group of females friends I’ve ever been on the periphery of as an adult has thrown up so many red flags. Even worse when the husbands are all expected to be friends as well.

This is not my experience and makes me think the problem might be you. I'm in several different groups of girlfriends and we're all adults who care about, support each other and enjoy each other's company. Adult women who think other women are sO mUcH dRamA are usually the ones with the issue.

DP. You just told a stranger in the internet that she must have a problem simply because she has had a different experience than you. Actually two strangers (who have had the same experience! So it must not be that uncommon). Glad you have a tight girl group but you are giving off mean girl vibes here. I don’t trust any woman who claims that groups of female friends NEVER have exclusionary or hurtful dynamics. Most women have observed at least some behavior like this at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok to be a little hurt. Take this information to inform yourself with how close you really are. If you like the other women, maybe make some efforts to do things 1 on 1, which can be better than the group things anyhow.

But I wouldn't blow up a well functioning friend group over this. We are grown ups and can't be invited to everything.

I'd try to see it as just a "we aren't as close as the rest" type thing and not a Queen Bee situation. Give people grace and assume good intentions. Most people have them.

I think this is a balanced assessment. As other PPs have said, people can experience a group differently and especially with five couples, this group is not a monolith.