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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.[/quote]

NP. I'm not going to read every post so sorry if this gets said already but:

I'm sorry about your surgery. Is there some chance you're displacing even a little of your fear about it into the form of anger at him over household tasks? Yes, I know. You've established well that he was useless when you had your baby, etc.

But seriously: He and your child will not starve. If he has enough sense to take your child to the hospital if something is bleeding and they both survive, you may have to let that be your threshold. I am NOT excusing his lack of ability to care for you, which is pitiful and rather immature, but I am saying all you can control right now is YOU, so it's now, pragmatically, setting your bare minimum priorities, or spending weeks getting increasingly angry.

I know, that sounds cavalier. But you have time--barely! -- to swallow your anger about having a husband who needs a list, and to just make him a list. The energy you're devoting to (very understandable) resentment is energy you could be putting toward that list and a serious sit-down -- no kid present to distract -- with him. Does he know how much you dislike and resent him for the inability to think of what you might need? In clear terms? Have you had a real and frank talk about this or do you just say "I feel like I do everything myself" and walk out of the room? He needs to hear that even if he doesn't change because of it. We all would love partners who are thoughtful enough to anticipate our needs especially in difficult times. He's not going to do that and you know it, so you can either reduce your expectations and reduce your personal list of "what MUST be done or the household falls apart" and give him a short list, OR you can spend your recuperative period angry and upset and resenting him more each day. So: Lower your standards or spend your recuperation period pissed off.

Your wound care is at the top, way way ahead of laundry, you get that, right? So: Cleaning your bathroom is his number one job on your list. And so on.  Order groceries online (you can do that even from recovery bed, right? If you don't trust him to order) or put up with more takeout. Give your seven-year-old chores daily and give a lot of praise for helping mom while she's recovering. Whatever it takes. But after this is all over, OP, you and DH need to get into therapy or counseling to work on his total diffidence and lack of empathy, and your intense resentment. If you don't you will have a seven year old who shuttles between two households. [/quote]

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