Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ sounds like you cheated on your wife. Did she ever find out?

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-^ I am not divulging. It just helps cheaters. Like the whore doing the same thing mine did a few posts up.

Lady with AP of 7 years, I had a break down when I found out about my spouse’s double life of 4 years. I have severe PTSD. I will never be the same mentally. I had no idea this was going on because things were good at home. It sounds so much like your arrangement. Long term affairs are a killer to a marriage. The absolute worst with very little to no chance for reconciliation.

What you are doing will destroy your family as well as his family. It is incredibly selfish and wrong not to have told your spouse before you opened the marriage to other partners.

+1

It profoundly brings in to play what was ever real with a person you have known 20+ years. You go back and look at every photo, every vacation, every major milestone with your children.

It fundamentally changes you to know you were betrayed for so ling by somebody that was supposed to be the one person that truly has your back.

Even if you stay, there will never be 100% trust no matter how much therapy anyone does. If you divorce, it will color and cloud and make issues in any means relationship you enter.

It is one of the most evil things you can do to a spouse and your kids.

And you don’t have the balls to be honest. Too much of a selfish person for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-^ I am not divulging. It just helps cheaters. Like the whore doing the same thing mine did a few posts up.

Lady with AP of 7 years, I had a break down when I found out about my spouse’s double life of 4 years. I have severe PTSD. I will never be the same mentally. I had no idea this was going on because things were good at home. It sounds so much like your arrangement. Long term affairs are a killer to a marriage. The absolute worst with very little to no chance for reconciliation.

What you are doing will destroy your family as well as his family. It is incredibly selfish and wrong not to have told your spouse before you opened the marriage to other partners.

+1

It profoundly brings in to play what was ever real with a person you have known 20+ years. You go back and look at every photo, every vacation, every major milestone with your children.

It fundamentally changes you to know you were betrayed for so ling by somebody that was supposed to be the one person that truly has your back.

Even if you stay, there will never be 100% trust no matter how much therapy anyone does. If you divorce, it will color and cloud and make issues in any means relationship you enter.

It is one of the most evil things you can do to a spouse and your kids.

And you don’t have the balls to be honest. Too much of a selfish person for that.

Couldn't agree more with these posters. It's the worst. Our tween daughters found out about exDH's affair and I fear it has ruined their relationship with him for good. Forget about ours, LONG gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-^ I am not divulging. It just helps cheaters. Like the whore doing the same thing mine did a few posts up.

Lady with AP of 7 years, I had a break down when I found out about my spouse’s double life of 4 years. I have severe PTSD. I will never be the same mentally. I had no idea this was going on because things were good at home. It sounds so much like your arrangement. Long term affairs are a killer to a marriage. The absolute worst with very little to no chance for reconciliation.

What you are doing will destroy your family as well as his family. It is incredibly selfish and wrong not to have told your spouse before you opened the marriage to other partners.

+1

It profoundly brings in to play what was ever real with a person you have known 20+ years. You go back and look at every photo, every vacation, every major milestone with your children.

It fundamentally changes you to know you were betrayed for so ling by somebody that was supposed to be the one person that truly has your back.

Even if you stay, there will never be 100% trust no matter how much therapy anyone does. If you divorce, it will color and cloud and make issues in any means relationship you enter.

It is one of the most evil things you can do to a spouse and your kids.

And you don’t have the balls to be honest. Too much of a selfish person for that.

Having experienced long term repeated secretive infidelity, this description really resonates with me - especially how it undermines everything you every believed about the cheater and your relationship and family life. Very traumatic and has lifelong impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-^ I am not divulging. It just helps cheaters. Like the whore doing the same thing mine did a few posts up.

Lady with AP of 7 years, I had a break down when I found out about my spouse’s double life of 4 years. I have severe PTSD. I will never be the same mentally. I had no idea this was going on because things were good at home. It sounds so much like your arrangement. Long term affairs are a killer to a marriage. The absolute worst with very little to no chance for reconciliation.

What you are doing will destroy your family as well as his family. It is incredibly selfish and wrong not to have told your spouse before you opened the marriage to other partners.

+1

It profoundly brings in to play what was ever real with a person you have known 20+ years. You go back and look at every photo, every vacation, every major milestone with your children.

It fundamentally changes you to know you were betrayed for so ling by somebody that was supposed to be the one person that truly has your back.

Even if you stay, there will never be 100% trust no matter how much therapy anyone does. If you divorce, it will color and cloud and make issues in any means relationship you enter.

It is one of the most evil things you can do to a spouse and your kids.

And you don’t have the balls to be honest. Too much of a selfish person for that.

Having experienced long term repeated secretive infidelity, this description really resonates with me - especially how it undermines everything you every believed about the cheater and your relationship and family life. Very traumatic and has lifelong impact.

Did you divorce or did you attempt to reconcile?

[Anonymous]

I really hope the couple of cheating guys who have posted a lot on this thread - including the one that insists that cheating has nothing to do with kids - and the woman who is so proud of her 7 year relationship with her AP have read this last page of posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope the couple of cheating guys who have posted a lot on this thread - including the one that insists that cheating has nothing to do with kids - and the woman who is so proud of her 7 year relationship with her AP have read this last page of posts.

I don't expect him to care at all, if he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope the couple of cheating guys who have posted a lot on this thread - including the one that insists that cheating has nothing to do with kids - and the woman who is so proud of her 7 year relationship with her AP have read this last page of posts.

I don't expect him to care at all, if he does.

He's a narc and doesn't think this applies to him at all. They only care about themselves and not about anyone else (and specially not the spouse).

Some of these narratives are very personal and really impactful in helping to understand the impact of cheating on spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope the couple of cheating guys who have posted a lot on this thread - including the one that insists that cheating has nothing to do with kids - and the woman who is so proud of her 7 year relationship with her AP have read this last page of posts.

I don't expect him to care at all, if he does.

He's a narc and doesn't think this applies to him at all. They only care about themselves and not about anyone else (and specially not the spouse).

Some of these narratives are very personal and really impactful in helping to understand the impact of cheating on spouses.

You're right. Sad as these stories are, I don't care. Those are your stories, not mine. You know I could have come on here a couple years ago as some whining husband complaining about how my wife cut me off a couple years before and refuses to discuss it and rest assured none of you would have any sympathy for me. You are also right that it doesn't apply to me. I'm not some guy who stepped out even though he had an active sex life with his wife at home. I stepped out for the sole reason that I wasn't having sex. Now I am and it's really just that simple. When I wasn't having sex my otherwise good marriage was very unhappy now it's much better. It's certainly not an ideal situation but at least it's tolerable.

I find it interesting the statistics people posted on here about 20% or whatever percentage you choose of marriages being sexless yet not a single woman on here who is criticize me has admitted that she also denies sex to her husband. Yet you want to attack me for my solution because you're in such denial that it could happen to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-^ I am not divulging. It just helps cheaters. Like the whore doing the same thing mine did a few posts up.

Lady with AP of 7 years, I had a break down when I found out about my spouse’s double life of 4 years. I have severe PTSD. I will never be the same mentally. I had no idea this was going on because things were good at home. It sounds so much like your arrangement. Long term affairs are a killer to a marriage. The absolute worst with very little to no chance for reconciliation.

What you are doing will destroy your family as well as his family. It is incredibly selfish and wrong not to have told your spouse before you opened the marriage to other partners.

+1

It profoundly brings in to play what was ever real with a person you have known 20+ years. You go back and look at every photo, every vacation, every major milestone with your children.

It fundamentally changes you to know you were betrayed for so ling by somebody that was supposed to be the one person that truly has your back.

Even if you stay, there will never be 100% trust no matter how much therapy anyone does. If you divorce, it will color and cloud and make issues in any means relationship you enter.

It is one of the most evil things you can do to a spouse and your kids.

And you don’t have the balls to be honest. Too much of a selfish person for that.

Having experienced long term repeated secretive infidelity, this description really resonates with me - especially how it undermines everything you every believed about the cheater and your relationship and family life. Very traumatic and has lifelong impact.

New poster. Me too. It happened to me nearly a decade ago, and I still struggle. It's the most cruel thing someone can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dramatic much? I have been having an affair for seven years with a guy who is open about the fact his marriage is pretty good, other than the infrequent, low passion sex. He never even said he doesn't get sex from his wife. Neither of us want to leave our spouses in general, and we do not want to be married to each other. We both find the sex and friendship worthwhile and gives us somethings we don't get in our marriages. We have five kids between us. I don't see how it would be better to be transparent and blow up two families than to continue seeing each other. We haven't seen each other since early March, so it's not like we can't live without each other.

If you are okay with being a whore. Fine. Do you have daughters or sons or both?

Sons

The affair will blow up your marriages. Don’t be an idiot.

Everyone gets caught eventually.

Finding out your mom is a whore will be tough on your sons.

7 years and counting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you are okay with being a whore. Fine. Do you have daughters or sons or both?


Sons

Does your husband (or his wife) have an AP as well?

Would you be good with your husband having an AP if he played by the same rules? I ask because if you are getting what you need from your DH and your AP, you should be okay with your DH getting what he needs as well.

I wouldn’t care. H is not very interested in sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We meet during work hours. He has an apartment so no real expense(?). We worked together years before we began the affair.

Is that supposed to make it better? Wait till your sons find out there mom is a liar and cheater - your relationship will never be the same. I hope your DH finds out and exposes your AP as well.

My DH was doing this with some married woman. They were bold like this. It wasn’t 7 years, but it was several. They meticulously covered tracks and it was in the middle of his work day twice per month. She didn’t work so it was at her house when kids and husband were at school.

It destroyed our family. I found one tiny slip up and then it all came out- what they had been doing. Neither thought they’d ever get caught so they didn’t contemplate what the spouses would do.

“Get the f@ck out!” was my response. I think he banked I’m me being such a faithful spouse and a devoted mother that I would ever ask for a divorce. He is a shell of himself—cried, begged, pleaded.

I told her spouse. No idea what happened. I don’t give a sh@t. But, her spouse needed to know since they were having unprotected sex.

You destroy families. Both of you.

The youngest of the kids graduated high school this month so I am pretty sure one, if not both, of our marriages will now be over.

[Anonymous]

The youngest of the kids graduated high school this month so I am pretty sure one, if not both, of our marriages will now be over.

Just don’t expect him to have any interest in being with you IRL. Once you don’t have to sneak around and lie, he will decide that a cheater isn’t a good bet for a real relationship. You are damaged goods. And don’t expect your kids to care any less just because they finished high school - it’s not like they care less that their mom is blowing up their family just because they have a diploma. Have you actually done any research on this, or are you just so selfish that your kids’ emotional health isn’t a priority for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The claim (sexlessness) is specific to why MEN cheat. And where did you get those self serving numbers? Follow along:
Google “sexless marriage percentage” it says 20% which means BOTH the husband and the wife.
Google “infidelity statistics” and it says 25% of marriages BUT then subtract out where it’s the woman cheating.

I never claimed there aren’t super attractive frequent flying men who cheat in every city. That’s not the majority case for cheating men. The Ashley Maddison membership is comprised of average joe husbands (perhaps yours?) whose wife lost interest (perhaps you?). This is the overwhelming reason for married men who cheat.

You won’t find many articles that come right out and tell uninterested wives they better f$&k their husbands otherwise he will cheat. But that’s the cold hard truth.

I don't share the passion from either you or your detractors. But here's one factoid. In my early twenties, I slept with a dozen married men, give or take. Each of them admitted their wives would be happy to have sex but they lost interest because "I can't eat the same dish every day of my life." One outright said "she's old and you're young and tight." Just one of them said she has a sickness that prevents sex.

So, I do not believe that cheating is driven by sexless-ness as much as plain old boredom and natural inclination against monogamy in many men.