I think my MIL overstepped

[Anonymous]

I need opinions on this situation, please. A couple weeks ago, I ave birth to my first child. While at the hospital, something happened that keeps bothering me and I don’t know if I should let it go or not.

When I went into labor, we made all the calls to the parents, and I also texted my best friend. Upon arrival at the hospital, I was asked if visitors were ok; I said yes. My parents and MIL eventually came to the hospital and were in and out of the room. For most of the day, I was having a great labor, but as the day progressed, so did my labor. Before my epidural, I was having a hard time. This is when my friend got off of work and came up to pop in and see me (which we had discussed she would do.) My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” Had I known this at the time. I would have kicked MIL out. I didn’t find out this happened until a week later, when my friend confessed why she really didn’t come up to the hospital. I was too focused on baby stuff to deal with what happened, but now it’s bothering me. What’s worse, my husband doesn’t think his mom was overstepping because we did plan on family visiting and I was having a hard time. I don’t think it was MILs place to decide who or who couldn’t visit me in the hospital. I am having a hard time with this and I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to add a big dramatic family fight to your life right now. MIL was protecting you. Maybe she overstepped, or communications were confused, or whatever, but just let it go, OP. There will be other things to worry about. You are in hormone swing city, entering the sleep-deprivation phase, and you and husband are going to get snippy and grumpy. Keep it sweet with each other and family. Apologize to friend. Enjoy your baby! How lovely that this is the biggest problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to add a big dramatic family fight to your life right now. MIL was protecting you. Maybe she overstepped, or communications were confused, or whatever, but just let it go, OP. There will be other things to worry about. You are in hormone swing city, entering the sleep-deprivation phase, and you and husband are going to get snippy and grumpy. Keep it sweet with each other and family. Apologize to friend. Enjoy your baby! How lovely that this is the biggest problem.

Hmm. I disagree. “Protecting” would have been saying, friend is having a really hard time right now. I will tell her you came to visit. Or having her wait in the lobby and fetching the husband to handle this. Or asking the patient what her wishes were. Not demanding her leaving and then following up with a possessive email.

[Anonymous]

Wow, she really overstepped. I would be really pissed but don’t see what good will come of it to call her out on it now, unfortunately. Any future overstepping needs a swift reaction though.

Next baby, don’t call her until after the baby has been delivered.

[Anonymous]

Yes, MIL overstepped. What else is new?

[Anonymous]

Your MIL did overstep. Especially with the follow up FB message banishing your friend. How awkward.

But where was your DH? I also think this message should be delivered by him. "Mom, you should not have sent Susie's friend away AND then FB messaged her. Susie really wanted to see her and they had discussed this ahead of time". Then that's it.

If she apologizes, just say "yes I was confused and a little hurt when Susie never showed up to visit. She told me later you'd messaged her to stay away. I wish you hadn't."

END. Do not argue about it. If you MIL is defensive and never apologizes, just move on. But also don't allow her to be in the delivery room again.

Your DH should have run better interference with his mother day of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to add a big dramatic family fight to your life right now. MIL was protecting you. Maybe she overstepped, or communications were confused, or whatever, but just let it go, OP. There will be other things to worry about. You are in hormone swing city, entering the sleep-deprivation phase, and you and husband are going to get snippy and grumpy. Keep it sweet with each other and family. Apologize to friend. Enjoy your baby! How lovely that this is the biggest problem.

Hmm. I disagree. “Protecting” would have been saying, friend is having a really hard time right now. I will tell her you came to visit. Or having her wait in the lobby and fetching the husband to handle this. Or asking the patient what her wishes were. Not demanding her leaving and then following up with a possessive email.

+1

Agree with PP below to let this time go, but future instances need to be corrected as soon as they happen. Prepare for your MIL pushing back though. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, she really overstepped. I would be really pissed but don’t see what good will come of it to call her out on it now, unfortunately. Any future overstepping needs a swift reaction though.

Next baby, don’t call her until after the baby has been delivered.

I would let it go BUT she may have been trying to do the best for you (always assume the best). However, if you feel like you have to say something say something like "MIL, Trudy told me that you asked her to leave the hospital. I was waiting for her and had been texting with her all day. Just so you know, she did have my permission to come see me."

[Anonymous]

I think you need to say something to her about it. You'd invited your friend to the hospital and wanted her support. You didn't get it and it made your labor harder. Tell MIL she doesn't have the right to make decisions for your family.

[Anonymous]

I'd be very angry because my bff is like a sister to me, and I'd rather her be there when I am having a hard time than my ILs. I don't really have good advice though because I probably wouldn't handle it well. I'd probably cause a huge family fight because I love my bff and I would have wanted her support more than anything. My sister committed suicide a few years back, and my bff basically kept me afloat when I was drowning in grief. She is just as much of a rock to me as DH is. We all met in college 15 years ago, so we've been though a lot of ups and downs together (bff, bff DH, my DH, me).

The issue that I see is that if you make a deal about it, it will cause a family rift for a while - who knows how long. Can you handle the drama and a fight maybe with DH over this? You might have to suck it up if you want to keep things cordial, but that is not necessarily the route that I'd chose. One thing you could do is ask DH to 1) get on your side & 2) talk to his mom on both of your behalves. I do worry she will overstep her bounds frequently if you allow the precedence to occur. However, I think if you do want a foot to be put down it should be from your DH.

Or you could just let it go and avoid unnecessary drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL did overstep. Especially with the follow up FB message banishing your friend. How awkward.

But where was your DH? I also think this message should be delivered by him. "Mom, you should not have sent Susie's friend away AND then FB messaged her. Susie really wanted to see her and they had discussed this ahead of time". Then that's it.

If she apologizes, just say "yes I was confused and a little hurt when Susie never showed up to visit. She told me later you'd messaged her to stay away. I wish you hadn't."

END. Do not argue about it. If you MIL is defensive and never apologizes, just move on. But also don't allow her to be in the delivery room again.

Your DH should have run better interference with his mother day of.

None of us knew it happened until my friend told me a week later. MIL told us that she came and then left when she heard I wasn’t doing well.

[Anonymous]

Yes, she went overboard. But why on earth did you want a million people to come visit you while you were in labor? I find that really weird and your MIL probably did, too. I think you'll need to let it go (hard to do, I understand) unless you find she's regularly sending out directives on social media regarding your family.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. She didn't do it the way you would have liked but it was coming from a good place. She wasn't kicking YOUR family out, just your friend. Does she understand how close this friend is? My family would have likely shooed a friend away as well just because you don't assume a friend would be there in the thick of it.

As another PP said the last thing you need is some massive family fight right now. Tell your husband that even though you understand MIL came from a good place, it bothered you and he needs to acknowledge and respect how you are feeling. But then try to let it go. No good will come of this.

AND you are two weeks out from birth. It might not feel like it but you are crazy right now. Hormones, sleep deprivation, new crazy unconditional love. That creates a crazy storm inside your head that you don't totally comprehend until a few months later. See if you still feel this way in 6 months.

And just remember this for the next baby. If its still bothering you then just don't invite MIL/Mom to the hospital next time and have DH filter visitors next time.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL was quite rude (to your friend)if that was her exact text...and she definitely overstepped. But there is NO GOOD that will come of confronting her about this after the fact.

If you do, she will likely play the martyr in that she will say something like she was trying to be helpful by being the gatekeeper and not have too many visitors when you were having a difficult time and she wanted to be clear that it was just going to be family only at the hospital so things didn't get awkward if your friend came back and you were still having a hard time.

OP, just tell your friend you are sorry for your MIL's rude behavior...and that next time you will be more clear to all your relatives about who you want to visit you in the hospital so that there is no ambiguity about that. You can be irritated at mother-in-law on behalf of your friend...but not TO your MIL b/c there is nothing positive that will come of this after the fact.

You can't KNOW someone else's motive, so I always think it's better to give grace in those situations to our loved ones. MILs are annoying...but think of her through your child's eyes. Your new baby's grandma loves her soooooo much that she wanted to help make sure that nothing was upsetting her birth and first moments in the world. (And sure...she's a little selfish...but oh well!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very angry because my bff is like a sister to me, and I'd rather her be there when I am having a hard time than my ILs. I don't really have good advice though because I probably wouldn't handle it well. I'd probably cause a huge family fight because I love my bff and I would have wanted her support more than anything. My sister committed suicide a few years back, and my bff basically kept me afloat when I was drowning in grief. She is just as much of a rock to me as DH is. We all met in college 15 years ago, so we've been though a lot of ups and downs together (bff, bff DH, my DH, me).

The issue that I see is that if you make a deal about it, it will cause a family rift for a while - who knows how long. Can you handle the drama and a fight maybe with DH over this? You might have to suck it up if you want to keep things cordial, but that is not necessarily the route that I'd chose. One thing you could do is ask DH to 1) get on your side & 2) talk to his mom on both of your behalves. I do worry she will overstep her bounds frequently if you allow the precedence to occur. However, I think if you do want a foot to be put down it should be from your DH.

Or you could just let it go and avoid unnecessary drama.

No offense but you have an extreme situation. And honestly the key piece of information IN your situation IF this had happened to you would be whether or not your MIL knew any of that.