I think my MIL overstepped

[Anonymous]

Your MIL was totally wrong. She was NOT "protecting" you - she was trying to be first to see/hold the baby, before friends, before your parents, before anyone.

I'd apologize to my friend and tell her that definitely didn't come from me and I'm sorry to not have known what was going on.

Then I'd talk to DH about it so he could see my POV.

For any future babies I would NOT tell MIL when I went into labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to add a big dramatic family fight to your life right now. MIL was protecting you. Maybe she overstepped, or communications were confused, or whatever, but just let it go, OP. There will be other things to worry about. You are in hormone swing city, entering the sleep-deprivation phase, and you and husband are going to get snippy and grumpy. Keep it sweet with each other and family. Apologize to friend. Enjoy your baby! How lovely that this is the biggest problem.

Hmm. I disagree. “Protecting” would have been saying, friend is having a really hard time right now. I will tell her you came to visit. Or having her wait in the lobby and fetching the husband to handle this. Or asking the patient what her wishes were. Not demanding her leaving and then following up with a possessive email.

This- she was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of line.

[Anonymous]

I would be furious. Parents in law would be on my official “not allowed to visit” list (yes, there can be an actual list) that I give the hospital next time. It’s the patient’s (ie mom’s) list, not the dad’s list, and most hospitals will honor it. If asked, I’d tell them that their presence caused me a lot of stress last time by taking liberties that weren’t appropriate, and I’ll be keeping it to people I specifically invite by name into the room only. Of course, it should be DH saying that, but it sounds like your DH won’t put his mother in her place.

It’s not a circus. I’d let parents in law know about the birth once I was discharged and settled in at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

[Anonymous]

MIL way overstepped and if you don't have your DH address this, it will only get worse. Talk to your DH, OP and make him tell his mother she was out of line.

[Anonymous]

I feel like if you don't address this, you're just a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you would want your friends or family, other than DH, at the hospital at all, or at least not until the delivery is over and you've had some time to rest, and even then just for a few minutes. These days you're in and out of the hospital in a couple of days anyway.

This may come as a shock to you, but some people have different feelings from yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

[Anonymous]

Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

She was rude, she and out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

She was rude, she and out of line.

Its an emotional time and she overreacted. You're going to blow up over this when everyone should be celebrating the new baby? MIL has nothing to do with OP's friends. She probably doesn't know them at all. If MIL had turned away OP's mom or something that would be one thing. But its an emotional time getting a new baby. Everyone should chillax. If it was that important to OP for OP's friend to be there then they should have told MIL that someone was coming. Or OP's friend should have not given up and asked a doctor to go talk to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

She was rude, she and out of line.

Its an emotional time and she overreacted. You're going to blow up over this when everyone should be celebrating the new baby? MIL has nothing to do with OP's friends. She probably doesn't know them at all. If MIL had turned away OP's mom or something that would be one thing. But its an emotional time getting a new baby. Everyone should chillax. If it was that important to OP for OP's friend to be there then they should have told MIL that someone was coming. Or OP's friend should have not given up and asked a doctor to go talk to OP.

Exactly the point genius. And if MIL was so innocently mistaken why was she messaging this woman on FB???? MIL was out of control, no one asked her to play Paul Blart at the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

She was rude, she and out of line.

Its an emotional time and she overreacted. You're going to blow up over this when everyone should be celebrating the new baby? MIL has nothing to do with OP's friends. She probably doesn't know them at all. If MIL had turned away OP's mom or something that would be one thing. But its an emotional time getting a new baby. Everyone should chillax. If it was that important to OP for OP's friend to be there then they should have told MIL that someone was coming. Or OP's friend should have not given up and asked a doctor to go talk to OP.

Eh, I'm not about to advise OP to go on the warpath about this. But I think it could absolutely indicate that she needs to be on her guard about how to manage her MIL (and arrive at an agreement about this with her DH). It takes a "special" kind of person to turn away someone who's arrived at the hospital and then send them a facebook message telling them not to come back (even after the baby is born!). How could OP have anticipated that MIL would be so rude? "MIL, don't take it upon yourself to kick out my best friend!" (Well, NOW OP knows she has to say that ...) Nobody appointed MIL the door guard, so there was no way for OP to anticipate she'd do that. As for OP's friend insisting anyway ... well, that's the kind of thing that a person with bad boundaries would do. A person with normal boundaries goes away when they are told to in no uncertain terms by a relative of a patient. That's the problem with crazy people -- normal people act normal; crazy people can count on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

She was rude, she and out of line.

Its an emotional time and she overreacted. You're going to blow up over this when everyone should be celebrating the new baby? MIL has nothing to do with OP's friends. She probably doesn't know them at all. If MIL had turned away OP's mom or something that would be one thing. But its an emotional time getting a new baby. Everyone should chillax. If it was that important to OP for OP's friend to be there then they should have told MIL that someone was coming. Or OP's friend should have not given up and asked a doctor to go talk to OP.

Exactly the point genius. And if MIL was so innocently mistaken why was she messaging this woman on FB???? MIL was out of control, no one asked her to play Paul Blart at the hospital.

I'm very happy I'm not related to you. Who thinks shoeing off a friend and sending a facebook message is going full mall cop. I have repeatedly said I think MIL made the wrong choice and DIL should let her know this friend is like family. All I'm saying is that she's not an evil person and OP shouldn't turn this into a giant drama when she has a two week old baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

She was rude, she and out of line.

Its an emotional time and she overreacted. You're going to blow up over this when everyone should be celebrating the new baby? MIL has nothing to do with OP's friends. She probably doesn't know them at all. If MIL had turned away OP's mom or something that would be one thing. But its an emotional time getting a new baby. Everyone should chillax. If it was that important to OP for OP's friend to be there then they should have told MIL that someone was coming. Or OP's friend should have not given up and asked a doctor to go talk to OP.

Exactly the point genius. And if MIL was so innocently mistaken why was she messaging this woman on FB???? MIL was out of control, no one asked her to play Paul Blart at the hospital.

I know, right? Picturing MIL kicked out of the delivery room and angrily going on to FB to find OP's friend and tell her that she shouldn't come back.