I think my MIL overstepped

[Anonymous]

She was out of line, but DH was in with OP, baby getting born. MIL was not aware that OP’s friend was invited. MIL messed up, but maybe not intentionally. The FB post was a little much, yes. But a new grand baby is a big thing. If MIL does this type of thing all the time, ok, start to react, but man, you all want perfection with drastic consequence from normal loving humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to fit this into the overall picture with your MIL. The specific incident is less important than figuring out how you and your DH are going to cope with her jointly; as well as you coming to understand your relationship with your MIL in the context of your child. And this will all evolve as your baby gets older as well, and the first crazy weeks of the new baby are over. Childbirth can make EVERYONE a bit crazy, so to a certain extent, it's better to just let things go and focus on what you need in the moment.

Here's my story, in case it helps! My MIL is a ... bit eccentric, but she LOVES her family SO MUCH and will do anything for us. Before I had my baby, I did not really understand both sides of her: the eccentric, socially awkward side that does things that are truly incomprehnsible to me and often pissed me off royally; and the side of her that is truly and straightforwardly devoted to caring for her family. To add to it, she's got an anxious and overbearing way of relating that can make it hard to just spend time with her. As in, she'll never be the one who says "it will all be ok!" and you believe her.

So ... in the lead up to my child's birth, I knew I didn't want her around because she really rubbed me the wrong way, and I knew that would not help during childbirth or the weeks immediately after. I was also pretty mad at how bossy she had been and weird things she had said to me, which I won't detail here. My DH and I agreed on a plan that she could come to the hospital to see the baby, but then wouldn't have an extended visit until a few weeks later.

That was a good plan ... too bad we didn't stick to it! I ended up so exhausted that we asked her to come over when the baby was 2-3 days old to help. But I had been right: she was SO grating to me and unable to help, that I ended up getting very angry and kicking her out. (Again won't go into the details, but suffice to say she was being super unsupportive and not helping; acting like she was as in need of support as I was.)

Well ... after a few weeks, things settled down, and she started coming around again. We had a few more "episodes" but things started to go much better. It became clear that she just loves my son, and has no agenda other than that. I started to see that her behavior was part of her eccentric personality, and not any sort of threat to me at all. It had been really hard for me to see this due to other relatives I have that are frankly manipulative and harmful. My MIL on the other hand, is truly loving and well-intentioned. She's just DIFFERENT in how she expresses things!

So my advice would be, give this a few weeks. Pay less attention to the specific thing she did (which was totally crappy, BTW, no doubt about that) and how your relationship evolves. It will be really important for your relationship that she follows all the instructions you give about the baby -- and you need to get your DH on board for this. If she stresses you out right now, you have my permission to put her on a short timeout. But I would not make any conclusions about your relationship with her until you see how things evolve and can place this incident in the broader context of the emotions surrounding childbirth and her overall personality.

[Anonymous]

I think your MIL was incredibly rude and possessive. Her FB post about family being the first to visit the baby is telling. If she was truly trying to be protective, she could have simply told your friend you were having a hard time and not to go in the room, but let the friend decide whether to leave or stick around. This was about MIL calling the shots and cementing her position with respect to the new baby. It was not about OP or her DH - because if it was, MIL would've deferred to them to make the decision about whether the friend can stay.

That said, if anything is going to be said to MIL about this, it needs to come from DH. Doesn't need to be a big deal because what's done is done, but I think the issue should at least be raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

Uh no, not normal at all. It's not normal to comandeer someone's birth and who can visit them in the hospital. In the absence of other information, MIL should have asked OP or her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

Uh no, not normal at all. It's not normal to comandeer someone's birth and who can visit them in the hospital. In the absence of other information, MIL should have asked OP or her DH.

So MIL should have knocked on the hospital room door when OP's friend showed up when OP was having a hard part of her labor and DH was in there supporting her to ask her a question about some person who isn't family who just showed up? Honestly I wouldn't have sent the facebook message but I would have sent the friend away in that scenario. MIL had a choice between erring on the side of family or busting into a difficult labor to ask a question about visitors. 9 times out of 10 the mother would prefer to not be bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

Uh no, not normal at all. It's not normal to comandeer someone's birth and who can visit them in the hospital. In the absence of other information, MIL should have asked OP or her DH.

So MIL should have knocked on the hospital room door when OP's friend showed up when OP was having a hard part of her labor and DH was in there supporting her to ask her a question about some person who isn't family who just showed up? Honestly I wouldn't have sent the facebook message but I would have sent the friend away in that scenario. MIL had a choice between erring on the side of family or busting into a difficult labor to ask a question about visitors. 9 times out of 10 the mother would prefer to not be bothered.

NP but what?! Of course she should have knocked on the door and asked. It wasn't like OP was crowning right then.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do not know if you are still reading- but I had a MIL overstep around the birth of my baby as well. I have not ever addressed it, and don't plan to. Though if we have another, they will not be allowed at the hospital until we are reading and baby is already here!

I am sorry your friend was sent away, hopefully you will have a nice visit with her now that you are home and you two can laugh about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

Uh no, not normal at all. It's not normal to comandeer someone's birth and who can visit them in the hospital. In the absence of other information, MIL should have asked OP or her DH.

So MIL should have knocked on the hospital room door when OP's friend showed up when OP was having a hard part of her labor and DH was in there supporting her to ask her a question about some person who isn't family who just showed up? Honestly I wouldn't have sent the facebook message but I would have sent the friend away in that scenario. MIL had a choice between erring on the side of family or busting into a difficult labor to ask a question about visitors. 9 times out of 10 the mother would prefer to not be bothered.

My couple of best friends come before any ILs. They are my chosen family, like DH. I chose them, but I didn't choose my ILs. Saying that, in OP's situation, MIL would have known that I am expecting my friend to come. My friend would have also known not to listen to MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

Uh no, not normal at all. It's not normal to comandeer someone's birth and who can visit them in the hospital. In the absence of other information, MIL should have asked OP or her DH.

So MIL should have knocked on the hospital room door when OP's friend showed up when OP was having a hard part of her labor and DH was in there supporting her to ask her a question about some person who isn't family who just showed up? Honestly I wouldn't have sent the facebook message but I would have sent the friend away in that scenario. MIL had a choice between erring on the side of family or busting into a difficult labor to ask a question about visitors. 9 times out of 10 the mother would prefer to not be bothered.

NP. The whole thing doesn’t make sense though because the fact that the friend was there suggests that OP wanted her there. How would she have known to come to that particular hospital at that time if OP hadn’t contacted her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

Uh no, not normal at all. It's not normal to comandeer someone's birth and who can visit them in the hospital. In the absence of other information, MIL should have asked OP or her DH.

So MIL should have knocked on the hospital room door when OP's friend showed up when OP was having a hard part of her labor and DH was in there supporting her to ask her a question about some person who isn't family who just showed up? Honestly I wouldn't have sent the facebook message but I would have sent the friend away in that scenario. MIL had a choice between erring on the side of family or busting into a difficult labor to ask a question about visitors. 9 times out of 10 the mother would prefer to not be bothered.

NP but what?! Of course she should have knocked on the door and asked. It wasn't like OP was crowning right then.

OP was saying she was having a hard time. And apparently MIL was not in the room at the time so she had likely been kicked out. If MIL is kicked out she would understandably assume a friend was also not welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

Uh no, not normal at all. It's not normal to comandeer someone's birth and who can visit them in the hospital. In the absence of other information, MIL should have asked OP or her DH.

So MIL should have knocked on the hospital room door when OP's friend showed up when OP was having a hard part of her labor and DH was in there supporting her to ask her a question about some person who isn't family who just showed up? Honestly I wouldn't have sent the facebook message but I would have sent the friend away in that scenario. MIL had a choice between erring on the side of family or busting into a difficult labor to ask a question about visitors. 9 times out of 10 the mother would prefer to not be bothered.

NP but what?! Of course she should have knocked on the door and asked. It wasn't like OP was crowning right then.

OP was saying she was having a hard time. And apparently MIL was not in the room at the time so she had likely been kicked out. If MIL is kicked out she would understandably assume a friend was also not welcome.

NP. But MIL told the friend to leave the hospital. The friend could've just waited outside the delivery room like MIL was. MIL should have said, "Larla is having a hard time right now, which is why we're out here. You're welcome to wait with us or you can text her to let her know you're here, but I don't know if she'll be able to respond right now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to add a big dramatic family fight to your life right now. MIL was protecting you. Maybe she overstepped, or communications were confused, or whatever, but just let it go, OP. There will be other things to worry about. You are in hormone swing city, entering the sleep-deprivation phase, and you and husband are going to get snippy and grumpy. Keep it sweet with each other and family. Apologize to friend. Enjoy your baby! How lovely that this is the biggest problem.

I disagree. Clearly this friend is part of your family of the heart.

I would tell your MIL in a quiet place that it has come to your attention that she prevented Friend from entering the room. Going forward, MIL should know that this friend should be considered family. Then drop it.

No reason to create drama, and MIL may very well have meant well, but she did something harmful and should be told where this friend stands.

As for the first PP here - you sound a bit patronizing. She can do all those things and tell her MIL that she overstepped.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you would want your friends or family, other than DH, at the hospital at all, or at least not until the delivery is over and you've had some time to rest, and even then just for a few minutes. These days you're in and out of the hospital in a couple of days anyway.

[Anonymous]

I would spin it around in a way to let her know, but let her save face. I would say that you hoped she was not offended that your friend showed up at the hospital prior to the birth. Indicate there may have been some miscommunication, but this particular friend is like a sister and had been called to come.