I think my MIL overstepped

[Anonymous]

"I posted above about my experience with my MIL and having to kick her out of my house a few days post-partum because she was being so difficult. No, we don't know if this MIL is "evil." What we DO know is that she has a, shall we say, UNUSUAL understanding of social behavior and boundaries. I'll be dollars to donuts that this is not the first time she has acted in this manner. If OP wants to preserve a good relationship with her, the answer is not to sweep this under the rug until it festers. I don't think she needs to make a federal case out of this one incident, but she needs to be prepared to stand up for herself going forward."

+1

Your MIL sounds difficult and possibly controlling, OP. Don't let her hijack this moment from you. Say something and move on. Now you know, so change things for next time.

[Anonymous]

"My couple of best friends come before any ILs. They are my chosen family, like DH. I chose them, but I didn't choose my ILs. Saying that, in OP's situation, MIL would have known that I am expecting my friend to come. My friend would have also known not to listen to MIL."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.

Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.

+1

Maybe it's not an "audience" that the women are seeking but support from loved ones? Just a thought. Sure some women want to make a spectacle of their pregnancies and births but many others just want to have family and friends near to share an emotional, exciting, scary, joyous time in their lives. I'm not speaking from personal experience. I didn't want anyone except my husband (and hospital staff) there for my births. But I don't think one should immediately assume that anyone who lets loved ones know when they're in labor and/or wants friends and family there is some kind of narcissist.

You raise a good point. I'm the +1. I guess the kicker for me is that it is 2 weeks later. The baby is hopefully at home and thriving, yet here is OP stomping her feet about how she was wronged. I get it that she wanted her friend there for some reason but it is over now. It is hard to see that OP has her baby's best interests at heart when all she can do is focus on what happened to her in L&D.

You are as rude as the MIL. Op, ignore this.

''

Actually, OP, pay close attention to this. You have a lovely new being in your life and you are so wrapped up in something so unimportant. There was a misunderstanding, your MIL may have overstepped, but you have a sweet new baby that you should be thinking about and paying attention to.

That’s right OP. Now, your only focus is to be your baby. You probably shouldn’t even have friends anymore, because you might miss a yawn or DH changing a diaper if you do something crazy like text with a friend or have coffee with her. Heaven knows newborns need mommy’s eyes on them 24/7, to the exclusion of any personal time she might need and at the expense of all other relationships. You’re a mommy now, after all. You’re only allowed to be happy you have a baby, no other emotions about friends and family.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally agree that MIL overstepped, and her FB announcement was just plain weird!!! However, I would not let this unfortunate episode get in the way of this joyous and busy time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to say something to her about it. You'd invited your friend to the hospital and wanted her support. You didn't get it and it made your labor harder. Tell MIL she doesn't have the right to make decisions for your family.

Agree. You or your DH need to gently but firmly tell her that she overstepped and does not have the authority to make decisions for you. Best case, she was trying to help but made a bad choice. Worst and most likely cAse, she was staking her claim as grandparent and did not want to share. Trust me. You need to start correcting this now as it will continue.

[Anonymous]

That’s right OP. Now, your only focus is to be your baby. You probably shouldn’t even have friends anymore, because you might miss a yawn or DH changing a diaper if you do something crazy like text with a friend or have coffee with her. Heaven knows newborns need mommy’s eyes on them 24/7, to the exclusion of any personal time she might need and at the expense of all other relationships. You’re a mommy now, after all. You’re only allowed to be happy you have a baby, no other emotions about friends and family.

Wow, sorry honey that really seemed to hit a nerve for you. Are you getting any kind of help to deal with your anxiety and resentment?

[Anonymous]

While I do think your MIL overstepped and was rude, I do think that she was coming from an understandable place of worry and erring on the side of family-only boundaries. I think she was feeling the pressure and significance of a difficult medical moment, and was reacting under that pressure.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, that she was trying to be protective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL did overstep. Especially with the follow up FB message banishing your friend. How awkward.

But where was your DH? I also think this message should be delivered by him. "Mom, you should not have sent Susie's friend away AND then FB messaged her. Susie really wanted to see her and they had discussed this ahead of time". Then that's it.

If she apologizes, just say "yes I was confused and a little hurt when Susie never showed up to visit. She told me later you'd messaged her to stay away. I wish you hadn't."

END. Do not argue about it. If you MIL is defensive and never apologizes, just move on. But also don't allow her to be in the delivery room again.

Your DH should have run better interference with his mother day of.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.

Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.

+1

While I agree some people go over the top in making a spectacle of themselves and their pregnancy on social media, it is just the norm among my family and friends who have given birth to be at the hospital in the waiting room. I have no idea if it's a southern thing or just a tight-knit family thing, but it's definitely a thing. Personally, I don't want my in-laws at the hospital while I'm in labor, but I do want my mom and sister there for support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.

Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.

+1

While I agree some people go over the top in making a spectacle of themselves and their pregnancy on social media, it is just the norm among my family and friends who have given birth to be at the hospital in the waiting room. I have no idea if it's a southern thing or just a tight-knit family thing, but it's definitely a thing. Personally, I don't want my in-laws at the hospital while I'm in labor, but I do want my mom and sister there for support.

I have a very tight knit family and only had my husband at the hospital with me and we let our immediate families know once the baby was born once we’d been moved into the recovery room, I’d gotten something to eat, and had taken a nap, so like 8 or 9 hours after the baby was born. Can’t imagine the pressure of having tons of friends/family in the waiting room for the whole ordeal.

[Anonymous]

On guard, OP! This is only the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL did overstep. Especially with the follow up FB message banishing your friend. How awkward.

But where was your DH? I also think this message should be delivered by him. "Mom, you should not have sent Susie's friend away AND then FB messaged her. Susie really wanted to see her and they had discussed this ahead of time". Then that's it.

If she apologizes, just say "yes I was confused and a little hurt when Susie never showed up to visit. She told me later you'd messaged her to stay away. I wish you hadn't."

END. Do not argue about it. If you MIL is defensive and never apologizes, just move on. But also don't allow her to be in the delivery room again.

Your DH should have run better interference with his mother day of.

This.

DH could have run better interference, true. But MIL is a grown adult and SHE is the one responsible for and accountable for her own actions. First time parents who are literally in the Labor and Delivery room should not be having to spend an ounce of their energy "running interference" over meddling and overstepping hospital visitors. MIL needed to either behave herself or face the consequences. The consequences are that she will not be told until AFTER the next baby is already born.

[Anonymous]

MIL overstepped. If it’s not a pattern-ask her why she did it. If not out of the norm/if she is like this on other things know that she’s probably not to be trusted with any differences w/baby so don’t give her an inch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.

Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.

+1

Maybe it's not an "audience" that the women are seeking but support from loved ones? Just a thought. Sure some women want to make a spectacle of their pregnancies and births but many others just want to have family and friends near to share an emotional, exciting, scary, joyous time in their lives. I'm not speaking from personal experience. I didn't want anyone except my husband (and hospital staff) there for my births. But I don't think one should immediately assume that anyone who lets loved ones know when they're in labor and/or wants friends and family there is some kind of narcissist.

You raise a good point. I'm the +1. I guess the kicker for me is that it is 2 weeks later. The baby is hopefully at home and thriving, yet here is OP stomping her feet about how she was wronged. I get it that she wanted her friend there for some reason but it is over now. It is hard to see that OP has her baby's best interests at heart when all she can do is focus on what happened to her in L&D.

You are as rude as the MIL. Op, ignore this.

''

Actually, OP, pay close attention to this. You have a lovely new being in your life and you are so wrapped up in something so unimportant. There was a misunderstanding, your MIL may have overstepped, but you have a sweet new baby that you should be thinking about and paying attention to.

Oh, please. Why are new mothers supposed to have only angelic and wonderful thoughts or they are shamed? The MIL in law overstepped by speaking for the DIL out of turn during a moment that was about the DIL. It bugs the DIL, and the DIL is very right to consider staying something as I would guess this is about something much larger. My own MIL overstepped after the birth of my first child and it was one boundary-crossing after another until I said something.

[Anonymous]

I think older generations see the "friends vs family" thing as a bigger divide than younger generations. In my family we don't let friends see us at our worst, only family. I'd frankly be annoyed my friend told me. She is making this about her by telling you and I think that's inappropriate. This should be a time for family bonding and further bonding w MIL and she kind of inserted a fart into it.

I'd concentrate on the positive- baby and family are all fine. MIL did something dumb in a time of stress- I'm sure she was worried during your labour about you and baby. No big deal.

If you get pg again, then's the time to address this clearly if the plan is for her to be at the hospital again "hey, I know you didn't think I'd want to see my friend, but I really did want to see her, so if when she shows up, please help welcome her in for a visit".