I think my MIL overstepped

[Anonymous]

I have a MIL that overstepped like this when I was in labor too. I didn't say anything about it and I just held it inside and smiled. It bothered me for months. I've had anxiety attacks about it and i think it would have been better if I had told MIL off when it happened. When I got pregnant again DH and I decided on no parents at the hospital at all. I'm 38 weeks and DH still hasn't told his mom she's not invited to the hospital. He doesn't have the courage yet. She even has taken off from work for it and plans on driving down. I'm totally staying out of this and will scream if she comes near or starts driving without asking us in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL did overstep. Especially with the follow up FB message banishing your friend. How awkward.

But where was your DH? I also think this message should be delivered by him. "Mom, you should not have sent Susie's friend away AND then FB messaged her. Susie really wanted to see her and they had discussed this ahead of time". Then that's it.

If she apologizes, just say "yes I was confused and a little hurt when Susie never showed up to visit. She told me later you'd messaged her to stay away. I wish you hadn't."

END. Do not argue about it. If you MIL is defensive and never apologizes, just move on. But also don't allow her to be in the delivery room again.

Your DH should have run better interference with his mother day of.

Yeah, your MIL waaaay overstepped. She pulled a full on first time grandma crazy power play there.

I agree with this PP that your DH does need to talk to her about it, but then do your best to forgive her. Note: That may mean that you need a little space from her and that she sees a little less of you and the baby than she might have otherwise. That's a natural consequence of her bad behavior.

The purpose of DH talking with her is to remind her that she's not in charge of your decisions, and, if she seems at all inclined, not to just "pop in to see the baby" etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. She didn't do it the way you would have liked but it was coming from a good place. She wasn't kicking YOUR family out, just your friend. Does she understand how close this friend is? My family would have likely shooed a friend away as well just because you don't assume a friend would be there in the thick of it.

As another PP said the last thing you need is some massive family fight right now. Tell your husband that even though you understand MIL came from a good place, it bothered you and he needs to acknowledge and respect how you are feeling. But then try to let it go. No good will come of this.

AND you are two weeks out from birth. It might not feel like it but you are crazy right now. Hormones, sleep deprivation, new crazy unconditional love. That creates a crazy storm inside your head that you don't totally comprehend until a few months later. See if you still feel this way in 6 months.

And just remember this for the next baby. If its still bothering you then just don't invite MIL/Mom to the hospital next time and have DH filter visitors next time.

Yes. Please do not advise OP to say a thing unless you have been in this mental fog. It is NOT a good time to settle up. You may be happy, you may sad, or mad or whatever. But no matter what, you are like a mega PMS volcano and on top of it all, trying to negotiate an entirely new life schedule with husband. It is epic. Let MIL goooooooo.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a MIL that overstepped like this when I was in labor too. I didn't say anything about it and I just held it inside and smiled. It bothered me for months. I've had anxiety attacks about it and i think it would have been better if I had told MIL off when it happened. When I got pregnant again DH and I decided on no parents at the hospital at all. I'm 38 weeks and DH still hasn't told his mom she's not invited to the hospital. He doesn't have the courage yet. She even has taken off from work for it and plans on driving down. I'm totally staying out of this and will scream if she comes near or starts driving without asking us in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a MIL that overstepped like this when I was in labor too. I didn't say anything about it and I just held it inside and smiled. It bothered me for months. I've had anxiety attacks about it and i think it would have been better if I had told MIL off when it happened. When I got pregnant again DH and I decided on no parents at the hospital at all. I'm 38 weeks and DH still hasn't told his mom she's not invited to the hospital. He doesn't have the courage yet. She even has taken off from work for it and plans on driving down. I'm totally staying out of this and will scream if she comes near or starts driving without asking us in advance.

Yep, this is next level. DH needs to open his mouth and speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL did overstep. Especially with the follow up FB message banishing your friend. How awkward.

But where was your DH? I also think this message should be delivered by him. "Mom, you should not have sent Susie's friend away AND then FB messaged her. Susie really wanted to see her and they had discussed this ahead of time". Then that's it.

If she apologizes, just say "yes I was confused and a little hurt when Susie never showed up to visit. She told me later you'd messaged her to stay away. I wish you hadn't."

END. Do not argue about it. If you MIL is defensive and never apologizes, just move on. But also don't allow her to be in the delivery room again.

Your DH should have run better interference with his mother day of.

Yeah, your MIL waaaay overstepped. She pulled a full on first time grandma crazy power play there.

I agree with this PP that your DH does need to talk to her about it, but then do your best to forgive her. Note: That may mean that you need a little space from her and that she sees a little less of you and the baby than she might have otherwise. That's a natural consequence of her bad behavior.

The purpose of DH talking with her is to remind her that she's not in charge of your decisions, and, if she seems at all inclined, not to just "pop in to see the baby" etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a MIL that overstepped like this when I was in labor too. I didn't say anything about it and I just held it inside and smiled. It bothered me for months. I've had anxiety attacks about it and i think it would have been better if I had told MIL off when it happened. When I got pregnant again DH and I decided on no parents at the hospital at all. I'm 38 weeks and DH still hasn't told his mom she's not invited to the hospital. He doesn't have the courage yet. She even has taken off from work for it and plans on driving down. I'm totally staying out of this and will scream if she comes near or starts driving without asking us in advance.

You realize that's crazy too.

[Anonymous]

Not much to do about this now other than to let your friend know that you're sorry that she was shooed away like that and that you had nothing to do with that.

If you have another baby maybe tell MIL about the birth AFTER the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a MIL that overstepped like this when I was in labor too. I didn't say anything about it and I just held it inside and smiled. It bothered me for months. I've had anxiety attacks about it and i think it would have been better if I had told MIL off when it happened. When I got pregnant again DH and I decided on no parents at the hospital at all. I'm 38 weeks and DH still hasn't told his mom she's not invited to the hospital. He doesn't have the courage yet. She even has taken off from work for it and plans on driving down. I'm totally staying out of this and will scream if she comes near or starts driving without asking us in advance.

You realize that's crazy too.

Yep! IMO if MIL has communicated that she is planing on coming and that she has taken time off then she's not doing anything wrong! DH is the problem here! And I can't think of many things that would make me start screaming!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a MIL that overstepped like this when I was in labor too. I didn't say anything about it and I just held it inside and smiled. It bothered me for months. I've had anxiety attacks about it and i think it would have been better if I had told MIL off when it happened. When I got pregnant again DH and I decided on no parents at the hospital at all. I'm 38 weeks and DH still hasn't told his mom she's not invited to the hospital. He doesn't have the courage yet. She even has taken off from work for it and plans on driving down. I'm totally staying out of this and will scream if she comes near or starts driving without asking us in advance.

You realize that's crazy too.

Yep! IMO if MIL has communicated that she is planing on coming and that she has taken time off then she's not doing anything wrong! DH is the problem here! And I can't think of many things that would make me start screaming!

1st PP here. Yes it will be DH I'm screaming at. He was with me when I told my parents we didn't want hospital visitors and they were completely okay with it.

The point I was trying to make was that MILs overstep, you don't say anything, become a doormat and DH never stands up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

[Anonymous]

Yes, MIL was awfully rude. You don't ever tell someone to leave a public building! If protective of you, she could have asked her not to come in, but wait a bit, sat with her, made conversation. Your friend could then have stayed for however long she was ready to wait, and perhaps said a quick hello at some point, or stayed to meet the baby. But telling her to LEAVE??? That's is completely beyond the pale. It's crystal clear it was protection of you, but a wish to be the only one present at the birth, that motivated her.

I would not bring it up now, but for your next birth, I would definitely tell MIL directly that X and Y friends are EXPECTED and that you did not appreciate what she did during the first birth. I would also tell DH, so that everyone is on the same page. Tell, don't ask. This is your day, more so than the wedding!

[Anonymous]

Why is birth a spectator sport?

Seriously, I don’t want family members “coming and going” while I’m in pain with an ever-expanding cervix and about to push a watermelon out of my lady parts.

And after, when you’re bleeding, sore, and exhausted, it’s not happy hour in your hospital room!! I told DH “no visitors” until we’re home from the hospital and have had a chance to have some privacy with baby.