I think my MIL overstepped

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

She was rude, she and out of line.

Its an emotional time and she overreacted. You're going to blow up over this when everyone should be celebrating the new baby? MIL has nothing to do with OP's friends. She probably doesn't know them at all. If MIL had turned away OP's mom or something that would be one thing. But its an emotional time getting a new baby. Everyone should chillax. If it was that important to OP for OP's friend to be there then they should have told MIL that someone was coming. Or OP's friend should have not given up and asked a doctor to go talk to OP.

Exactly the point genius. And if MIL was so innocently mistaken why was she messaging this woman on FB???? MIL was out of control, no one asked her to play Paul Blart at the hospital.

I'm very happy I'm not related to you. Who thinks shoeing off a friend and sending a facebook message is going full mall cop. I have repeatedly said I think MIL made the wrong choice and DIL should let her know this friend is like family. All I'm saying is that she's not an evil person and OP shouldn't turn this into a giant drama when she has a two week old baby.

I posted above about my experience with my MIL and having to kick her out of my house a few days post-partum because she was being so difficult. No, we don't know if this MIL is "evil." What we DO know is that she has a, shall we say, UNUSUAL understanding of social behavior and boundaries. I'll be dollars to donuts that this is not the first time she has acted in this manner. If OP wants to preserve a good relationship with her, the answer is not to sweep this under the rug until it festers. I don't think she needs to make a federal case out of this one incident, but she needs to be prepared to stand up for herself going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, she really overstepped. I would be really pissed but don’t see what good will come of it to call her out on it now, unfortunately. Any future overstepping needs a swift reaction though.

Next baby, don’t call her until after the baby has been delivered.

I would let it go BUT she may have been trying to do the best for you (always assume the best). However, if you feel like you have to say something say something like "MIL, Trudy told me that you asked her to leave the hospital. I was waiting for her and had been texting with her all day. Just so you know, she did have my permission to come see me."

This--but DH says it to his mother, not OP. Especially crucial if MIL tends to be overly intervening- though I do agree with assuming the best of MIL if she is otherwise OK to you, OP.

Each spouse handles his or her parents when things go awry. Of course OP is an adult and can discuss it with MIL herself but right now with a new infant, it's better for DH to run interference and just say his piece and then drop it. He shouldn't let it morph into a discussion where MIL tries to justify herself etc. Just: "Mom, so you know--Friend said she came to see DW and you turned her away. I realize you didn't know at the time but DW and friend had been in touch during labor and DW was expecting Friend. DW understands you meant to give her privacy though I wish you hadn't taken it to Facebook as well."

OP, be sure your friend knows the whole mixup was not conveyed to you until much later and MIL was not speaking for you or for DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she went overboard. But why on earth did you want a million people to come visit you while you were in labor? I find that really weird and your MIL probably did, too. I think you'll need to let it go (hard to do, I understand) unless you find she's regularly sending out directives on social media regarding your family.

+1 million this. Why have so many people around you when all you feel like doing is screaming and cussing???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she went overboard. But why on earth did you want a million people to come visit you while you were in labor? I find that really weird and your MIL probably did, too. I think you'll need to let it go (hard to do, I understand) unless you find she's regularly sending out directives on social media regarding your family.

+1 million this. Why have so many people around you when all you feel like doing is screaming and cussing???

You never know, OP's friend might have been a big source of comfort, have birthing experience of her own and would have helped OP. I had a friend who was an OB on standby to give me advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, she really overstepped. I would be really pissed but don’t see what good will come of it to call her out on it now, unfortunately. Any future overstepping needs a swift reaction though.

Next baby, don’t call her until after the baby has been delivered.

Don’t call her until the child graduates from high school.

[Anonymous]

Next baby, don’t tell anyone until you are home from the hospital for at least a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.

Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.

Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.

Totally both of these. After reading through these posts I think the biggest thing that is coming through to me is that OP feels she missed out on being the center of attention so she is creating drama now. OP has been carrying this grudge now for 2 weeks and instead of letting it die she's amping it up. That's just sad.

FWIW I think that the MIL did overstep and that's unfortunate but that's the way it goes. The friend could have texted or called OP or OP's husband but clearly chose not to. Wonder why OP is pinging on the MIL and not going on and on about being "abandoned" by the friend?

[Anonymous]

Omg, your MIL was dead wrong. I really hope you address this with her. She had no right.

[Anonymous]

She was way over the line. I would be really bothered by the situation.
I would definitely have a conversation with her about it. And I would reconsider her being at the hospital for the next one.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

I would agree with you if she had been manipulating OP's mom too. But she didn't. She was just keeping the initial meeting family. That is, for better or worse, normal and expected.

Not necessarily--and, regardless, if her initial instinct wasn't to check in with OP's DH at the very least, she's way out of line.

Some people have really close friends. Most people would think friends are tier 2. Without an ability to check with OP's DH (who was in the delivery room) MIL worked with social norms to make a decision. You can tell her BFF is actually a really close friend that you would welcome at future births without making it seem like she's satan for doing something 90% of people would think is normal.

I do not get this thinking at all. I do not get to decide for other people what they want. And to say 'family first' is f*** up. She did not say 'hey she is having a hard time, cannot take anymore visitors, you want to wait out here?" No, she told her to leave, that was presumptuous and RUDE.

She didn't punch the friend in the face. She didn't take away her phone. She didn't have security remove her from the building. She made the wrong call and I agree with PPs suggesting that OP should tell her MIL that friend was welcome and that particular friend IS like family but acting like MIL is satan is ridiculous.

Another poster has extrapolated that this is all about MIL wanting to hold the baby before everyone including OP's mom, something she did not say at all in her post.

IMO MIL did her best with the info she had. Wrong call but not malicious so I don't understand demonizing her.

She was rude, she and out of line.

Its an emotional time and she overreacted. You're going to blow up over this when everyone should be celebrating the new baby? MIL has nothing to do with OP's friends. She probably doesn't know them at all. If MIL had turned away OP's mom or something that would be one thing. But its an emotional time getting a new baby. Everyone should chillax. If it was that important to OP for OP's friend to be there then they should have told MIL that someone was coming. Or OP's friend should have not given up and asked a doctor to go talk to OP.

Exactly the point genius. And if MIL was so innocently mistaken why was she messaging this woman on FB???? MIL was out of control, no one asked her to play Paul Blart at the hospital.

I'm very happy I'm not related to you. Who thinks shoeing off a friend and sending a facebook message is going full mall cop. I have repeatedly said I think MIL made the wrong choice and DIL should let her know this friend is like family. All I'm saying is that she's not an evil person and OP shouldn't turn this into a giant drama when she has a two week old baby.

Did you read the same original post that I read? This woman told the daughter in law's best friend she's not allowed there and then sent her a message on Facebook telling her not to come, it's for family only. if that's not overstepping I don't know what in the hell is. No that doesn't make her Satan but it makes her a person who has no understanding of boundaries and needs to be told she was out of line .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day she was trying to shelter you. .

NO. No, MIL cared about who saw the baby first. See the following from the OP:

"My MIL stopped her before she got to the room and told her to leave now. She then proceeded to send her a Facebook message telling her “Our family will be visiting with the baby first. Please stay away from the hospital.” "

That's not a caring MIL, that's a greedy grandma.

The fact that MIL shooed this friend away and then went so far as to send the friend a "Stay away from the hospital" Facebook post means that MIL is a few cards short of a full deck. MIL is the type of person that you call AFTER the fact when things have already been handled, the situation is calm and you have time to deal with her. Next time, call her after the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

Everyone, I think you are missing the key element that explains where MIL is coming from - in addition to sending BFF away and sending a Facebook message telling her to stay away, she also lied to OP and her husband and said that BFF left of her own accord when she heard OP was having a hard time.

You can talk about cultural norms pertaining to friends and family and childbirth all day. I think that if someone lies about their actions - not just minimizes the action but straight up lies - that indicates to me that they know what they did was wrong and are trying to make themselves look right. That’s what’s going on here. MIL didn’t want anyone but family to see the baby. She wasn’t interested in OP’s preferences at all. I can understand sending BFF away but the two follow ups were over the top and dishonest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was way over the line. I would be really bothered by the situation.
I would definitely have a conversation with her about it. And I would reconsider her being at the hospital for the next one.

+1
OP decided who she wants to see and who she wants around when she gives birth, not MIL. It wasn't her place to try to "shelter" OP from anything, and she had no right to make any decisions on the visitors list that day. And to be so bold as to then send the friend a FB message? Unreal. MIL herself was a guest and should've been grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone, I think you are missing the key element that explains where MIL is coming from - in addition to sending BFF away and sending a Facebook message telling her to stay away, she also lied to OP and her husband and said that BFF left of her own accord when she heard OP was having a hard time.

You can talk about cultural norms pertaining to friends and family and childbirth all day. I think that if someone lies about their actions - not just minimizes the action but straight up lies - that indicates to me that they know what they did was wrong and are trying to make themselves look right. That’s what’s going on here. MIL didn’t want anyone but family to see the baby. She wasn’t interested in OP’s preferences at all. I can understand sending BFF away but the two follow ups were over the top and dishonest.

I'm not reading that in the OP.