Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Once again, I'm not going into detail about my marriage or my reasons for staying. It's enough for you to know that I am and it's best for everyone. I'm not ignoring the fact that I got away with my AP on Mother's day. What about it? The way I treat women is no model for any child who has no business concerning themselves with adult sexual situations any more than I would involve them in knowing such things. TBC

You really should stop posting, because you make yourself sound worse every time you do. Any sympathy that anyone might have had for your sexless marriage is totally destroyed by your utter lack of respect for your DW and family. Meeting your AP on Mother’s Day adds a huge degree of callousness, for you and your AP, and your DW will definitely think so when she finds out. You keep talking about children not concerning themselves with adult sexual situations, but anyone with two brain cells knows an affair doesn’t come down to sex for kids - it’s about the betrayal to their other parent and them. All you have to do is read other threads on this forum to understand the long-term damage affairs do to kids and their relationship with their cheating parent. Based on your views about children you have written here, I’m guessing your relationship with your kids is not good anyway. Your affair is not best for everyone, it’s best for you only. At least be honest with yourself.

I should stop posting? This thread would have ended 30 pages ago if I wasn't posting. All I've tried to do is answer the original question posed by the OP, then honestly answer every question posted to me after that. I'm not looking for, or expecting any sympathy. I know the type of women who post here and I got exactly what I expected. And it's funny, not a single one of you has admitted that you also deny sex to your husbands (while many admitted as much on other threads) while the number who do is probably quite high.

"Based on your views about children you have written here, I’m guessing your relationship with your kids is not good anyway." I've lost track of how many times I've said this. I've never said a damn thing about having any children, or not. I've tried to keep children, puppies, and kittens out of this discussion because I know where it goes. Way off track.

[Anonymous]

My husband having the 4-year affair was formally diagnosed in a 4-hour psychological evaluation as a “narcissist and histrionic”. He has seen multiple different psychiatrists and psychologists. The psychologist he sought out 6 months prior to ending the affair and telling me should lose her license. She never formally diagnosed him and just sat around asking him how he defined “morality” as he spiraled out of control and starting drinking more and more.

Married 22 years, together 24.

He’s charming, good-looking, very successful and is a good father. He went on Ashley Madison and started an affair with a woman he didn’t find attractive, never loved and led on for sex twice per month.

[Anonymous]

^We had sex 3-4 times per month. So NO- it’s not because a spouse does not have sex.

This man had a seriously messed up childhood with a severe alcoholic as a father, serially cheated and gave his mom STDs. When they divorced his mom checked out completely as a mother. Turned cold since he was a perfectionist and doing well she thought he was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^We had sex 3-4 times per month. So NO- it’s not because a spouse does not have sex.

This man had a seriously messed up childhood with a severe alcoholic as a father, serially cheated and gave his mom STDs. When they divorced his mom checked out completely as a mother. Turned cold since he was a perfectionist and doing well she thought he was fine.

3-4 times a month? Oh you are such a saint. Bless you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^We had sex 3-4 times per month. So NO- it’s not because a spouse does not have sex.

This man had a seriously messed up childhood with a severe alcoholic as a father, serially cheated and gave his mom STDs. When they divorced his mom checked out completely as a mother. Turned cold since he was a perfectionist and doing well she thought he was fine.

3-4 times a month? Oh you are such a saint. Bless you.

I meant week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^We had sex 3-4 times per month. So NO- it’s not because a spouse does not have sex.

This man had a seriously messed up childhood with a severe alcoholic as a father, serially cheated and gave his mom STDs. When they divorced his mom checked out completely as a mother. Turned cold since he was a perfectionist and doing well she thought he was fine.

3-4 times a month? Oh you are such a saint. Bless you.

I meant week.

Much more than your average married couple. 3-4/times per week. AP was twice per month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^We had sex 3-4 times per month. So NO- it’s not because a spouse does not have sex.

This man had a seriously messed up childhood with a severe alcoholic as a father, serially cheated and gave his mom STDs. When they divorced his mom checked out completely as a mother. Turned cold since he was a perfectionist and doing well she thought he was fine.

3-4 times a month? Oh you are such a saint. Bless you.

I meant week.

Much more than your average married couple. 3-4/times per week. AP was twice per month.

Yes so it sounds like cheating is a cheater’s issue, not spouse’s fault like we hear on here all the time. How a cheater handles himself in difficult situations is based on choices he makes. Those choices are what defines him and his character. I feel for you and your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^We had sex 3-4 times per month. So NO- it’s not because a spouse does not have sex.

This man had a seriously messed up childhood with a severe alcoholic as a father, serially cheated and gave his mom STDs. When they divorced his mom checked out completely as a mother. Turned cold since he was a perfectionist and doing well she thought he was fine.

3-4 times a month? Oh you are such a saint. Bless you.

I meant week.

Much more than your average married couple. 3-4/times per week. AP was twice per month.

Yes so it sounds like cheating is a cheater’s issue, not spouse’s fault like we hear on here all the time. How a cheater handles himself in difficult situations is based on choices he makes. Those choices are what defines him and his character. I feel for you and your situation.

Nope. If she decides to end all marital sex, it's not her fault at all if her H can't accept that his sex life has unexpectedly ended also. Again, this is a rare situation where a man is having regular sex at home, but still decides to step out.

[Anonymous]

It is not rare at all.

[Anonymous]

^+1
The dude who keeps posting that men only cheat if they aren’t getting sex at home is delusional and living in a 1950s mind construct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^+1
The dude who keeps posting that men only cheat if they aren’t getting sex at home is delusional and living in a 1950s mind construct.

Delusional are women like you, who want to ignore the overwhelming majority case (wife lost interest, husband cheats) to talk about the tiny fractional minority case (man has regular sex at home yet still cheats).

Nobody claimed it NEVER happens. But it’s like pointing at the broken clock during the 1 minute (ok, 2) per day that it’s right and claiming that is the norm.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why there is such a discussion on it being solely men who do this.

All the divorces I know about in our circles it is the women who have cheated. All of them. Only one couple have stayed together and that was because the husband didn't want to disrupt the kids lives.

Of the couples who have divorced and I don't know the circumstances it was the woman who initiated the divorce.

This isn't the old days where the woman is sitting at home while the man cheats, I actually think these days females are far more likely to cheat especially if she earns as much or more than the partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why there is such a discussion on it being solely men who do this.

All the divorces I know about in our circles it is the women who have cheated. All of them. Only one couple have stayed together and that was because the husband didn't want to disrupt the kids lives.

Of the couples who have divorced and I don't know the circumstances it was the woman who initiated the divorce.

This isn't the old days where the woman is sitting at home while the man cheats, I actually think these days females are far more likely to cheat especially if she earns as much or more than the partner.

It's because if a woman cheats she is done with the marriage. If the man cheats, he is usually fine with the marriage but missing sex, either frequency or variety. Affairs for women are often exit affairs

Of course there are exceptions, but this is largely true and no I don't think it's a tiny fraction of men who are having regular sex who cheat. But still, men are cheating for sexual reasons and can still want to be married because often the rest of the marriage is ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why there is such a discussion on it being solely men who do this.

All the divorces I know about in our circles it is the women who have cheated. All of them. Only one couple have stayed together and that was because the husband didn't want to disrupt the kids lives.

Of the couples who have divorced and I don't know the circumstances it was the woman who initiated the divorce.

This isn't the old days where the woman is sitting at home while the man cheats, I actually think these days females are far more likely to cheat especially if she earns as much or more than the partner.

So how did that work out for these women? Did they get what they wanted? A ticket out of their marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^+1
The dude who keeps posting that men only cheat if they aren’t getting sex at home is delusional and living in a 1950s mind construct.

I didn't say never. I said it's not common at all for a man or woman who has a regular married sex life to step out. There are always exceptions like the martyrs who posted that they had regular sex with their husbands but they cheated anyway.