What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

You're a dunderhead. Knowing what my mother suffered gives me understanding of why she was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. It doesn't mitigate the suffering I endure because of her treatment of me. I have decades of therapy under my belt, much of it *before having children. I am what is known as a good enough mother and my children are thriving. Like my mother, I carry the pain, shame and hurt through this life. Unlike my mother, I DO NOT take it out on others.
I think you are a pot stirring troll and likely "spank" your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

You're a dunderhead. Knowing what my mother suffered gives me understanding of why she was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. It doesn't mitigate the suffering I endure because of her treatment of me. I have decades of therapy under my belt, much of it *before having children. I am what is known as a good enough mother and my children are thriving. Like my mother, I carry the pain, shame and hurt through this life. Unlike my mother, I DO NOT take it out on others.
I think you are a pot stirring troll and likely "spank" your kids.

My mother was mentally ill,, neglected her many kids, beat us daily and was married to an abusive alcoholic. We suffered, but she suffered more in her life.

Fast forward, I never hit my kids. I don't hate my mom or ŕspeak ill of her to my kids. She is passed now. I always keep in mind that kids will do as you do. They will learn how to treat you, how to forgive you from how you treat your own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

You're a dunderhead. Knowing what my mother suffered gives me understanding of why she was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. It doesn't mitigate the suffering I endure because of her treatment of me. I have decades of therapy under my belt, much of it *before having children. I am what is known as a good enough mother and my children are thriving. Like my mother, I carry the pain, shame and hurt through this life. Unlike my mother, I DO NOT take it out on others.
I think you are a pot stirring troll and likely "spank" your kids.

My mother was mentally ill,, neglected her many kids, beat us daily and was married to an abusive alcoholic. We suffered, but she suffered more in her life.

Fast forward, I never hit my kids. I don't hate my mom or ŕspeak ill of her to my kids. She is passed now. I always keep in mind that kids will do as you do. They will learn how to treat you, how to forgive you from how you treat your own parents.

Big difference in how you were treated and how you treat your kids. Your kids learn how to treat you by how you raise them. You and others broke the cycle of abuse, bot because your parents were great between episodes of abuse, but because something in you understood it was wrong. You understood that being abused hurt and chose not to continue the family tradition. You mother had nothing to do with how "good" you are today, she simply showed you what NOT to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

You're a dunderhead. Knowing what my mother suffered gives me understanding of why she was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. It doesn't mitigate the suffering I endure because of her treatment of me. I have decades of therapy under my belt, much of it *before having children. I am what is known as a good enough mother and my children are thriving. Like my mother, I carry the pain, shame and hurt through this life. Unlike my mother, I DO NOT take it out on others.
I think you are a pot stirring troll and likely "spank" your kids.

My mother was mentally ill,, neglected her many kids, beat us daily and was married to an abusive alcoholic. We suffered, but she suffered more in her life.

Fast forward, I never hit my kids. I don't hate my mom or ŕspeak ill of her to my kids. She is passed now. I always keep in mind that kids will do as you do. They will learn how to treat you, how to forgive you from how you treat your own parents.

Big difference in how you were treated and how you treat your kids. Your kids learn how to treat you by how you raise them. You and others broke the cycle of abuse, bot because your parents were great between episodes of abuse, but because something in you understood it was wrong. You understood that being abused hurt and chose not to continue the family tradition. You mother had nothing to do with how "good" you are today, she simply showed you what NOT to do.

I also had a third of the kids she had, no still births, no abusive husband,, more education, job opportunities she never had, more money, no mental illness, few health challenges and I grew up in a more modern world with better women's rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

NP here. Stop it.

PP, good for you for breaking the cycle. Don't let this troll rile you up. Clearly this person has an ax to grind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

NP here. Stop it.

PP, good for you for breaking the cycle. Don't let this troll rile you up. Clearly this person has an ax to grind.

This or her grasp on mental health is tenuous and relies on the narrative that, because her mother suffered greatly, the abuse she experienced isn't as devastating as it actually is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

NP here. Stop it.

PP, good for you for breaking the cycle. Don't let this troll rile you up. Clearly this person has an ax to grind.

This or her grasp on mental health is tenuous and relies on the narrative that, because her mother suffered greatly, the abuse she experienced isn't as devastating as it actually is.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

You're a dunderhead. Knowing what my mother suffered gives me understanding of why she was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. It doesn't mitigate the suffering I endure because of her treatment of me. I have decades of therapy under my belt, much of it *before having children. I am what is known as a good enough mother and my children are thriving. Like my mother, I carry the pain, shame and hurt through this life. Unlike my mother, I DO NOT take it out on others.
I think you are a pot stirring troll and likely "spank" your kids.

My mother was mentally ill,, neglected her many kids, beat us daily and was married to an abusive alcoholic. We suffered, but she suffered more in her life.

Fast forward, I never hit my kids. I don't hate my mom or ŕspeak ill of her to my kids. She is passed now. I always keep in mind that kids will do as you do. They will learn how to treat you, how to forgive you from how you treat your own parents.

What does this have to do with the issue of PP suffering because of the mother's actions?

Commenters here are saying this time and time again but it doesn't seem to come through. So I will try again. It is both true that a parent can suffer more in their lives because their themselves were abused, and that their parenting severely damaged their children. In fact I think this is common because generations ago abuse was not really considered abuse and so abuse is for the most part reduced throughout the generations.. We can totally acknowledge that. But why on earth should that mean we not acknowledge the way we suffered too? Why do you assume that acknowledging the fact that somebody hurt us mean that we think that is all it takes to "fix" us.

We all know that the cause of our issues may not be our fault, but managing our issues is our responsibility. That is not in question. But part of managing those issues is figuring out what happened to you as a child impacts your life today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.

You're a dunderhead. Knowing what my mother suffered gives me understanding of why she was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. It doesn't mitigate the suffering I endure because of her treatment of me. I have decades of therapy under my belt, much of it *before having children. I am what is known as a good enough mother and my children are thriving. Like my mother, I carry the pain, shame and hurt through this life. Unlike my mother, I DO NOT take it out on others.
I think you are a pot stirring troll and likely "spank" your kids.

My mother was mentally ill,, neglected her many kids, beat us daily and was married to an abusive alcoholic. We suffered, but she suffered more in her life.

Fast forward, I never hit my kids. I don't hate my mom or ŕspeak ill of her to my kids. She is passed now. I always keep in mind that kids will do as you do. They will learn how to treat you, how to forgive you from how you treat your own parents.

What does this have to do with the issue of PP suffering because of the mother's actions?

Commenters here are saying this time and time again but it doesn't seem to come through. So I will try again. It is both true that a parent can suffer more in their lives because their themselves were abused, and that their parenting severely damaged their children. In fact I think this is common because generations ago abuse was not really considered abuse and so abuse is for the most part reduced throughout the generations.. We can totally acknowledge that. But why on earth should that mean we not acknowledge the way we suffered too? Why do you assume that acknowledging the fact that somebody hurt us mean that we think that is all it takes to "fix" us.

We all know that the cause of our issues may not be our fault, but managing our issues is our responsibility. That is not in question. But part of managing those issues is figuring out what happened to you as a child impacts your life today.

I think this convo has jumped the shark. The discussion is about adult children struggling with emotional, life issues in therapy, pointing fingers of blame at the parents and leaving it there at the feet of the parent, throwing rage at the parent, being helpless and bitter. The adult child as victim instead of being in control as a mature adult, healing themselves and improving their own life choices. It's the difference between blaming your parents that you got a divorce, lost a job, drink too much vs understanding your life and why you do what you do and that you can heal and change your life - YOU not Mom and Dad.

[Anonymous]

My parents were terrible drivers, they drove fast and aggressively, no one wore seat belts, lots of wrecks. As an adult, I blame them for my accidents, tickets and high insurance rates. I will never let my kids be bad drivers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were terrible drivers, they drove fast and aggressively, no one wore seat belts, lots of wrecks. As an adult, I blame them for my accidents, tickets and high insurance rates. I will never let my kids be bad drivers!

Mom, you're a toxic narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were terrible drivers, they drove fast and aggressively, no one wore seat belts, lots of wrecks. As an adult, I blame them for my accidents, tickets and high insurance rates. I will never let my kids be bad drivers!

You have zero control over if your children will actually be good drivers but if they aren't they can blame you by default and you can blame your parents. That alone should improve their driving skills. This convo has definitely jumped the shark from the original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were terrible drivers, they drove fast and aggressively, no one wore seat belts, lots of wrecks. As an adult, I blame them for my accidents, tickets and high insurance rates. I will never let my kids be bad drivers!

Mom, you're a toxic narcissist.

That's narcissistic of you to assume I am your mom and that it about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother.

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16.
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?

This gotta be trolling.

PP1: I was abused, but do not abuse my kids.
PP2: You have no compassion for your mother
PP1: WTF?
PP2: "Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence"

LOL. For the sane and evolved humans reading this, I want you to know: some others are not so lucky, they are neither sane nor evolved. They may seem in real life like your peers, but they are not. They are not capable of the same level of thought. They may be able write in complete sentences, but they are blocked as far as modern thinking, as in, stunted. Maybe they do deserve our compassion, but they do not deserve sound arguments here, because it is wasted on them. Tooooooo dense to get really basic ideas about raising children, but totally smart enough to graduate high scholl, vote, and drive on roads.