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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Lazy therapists always go back to “mom.”

Ask how your mom was growing up, wait for you to say something negative. That. That’s it. That’s why you are having a hard time.

It may be true; However, it doesn’t make it her fault.

Bad usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She was terrible. You can fix this somehow by blaming all of it on her.

Good usage : mom was a perfectionist. This is why you are a perfectionist. She is probably that way, because her mom was. Because her dad was abusive. Because of the depression. Or WWII. Etc. It’s just human nature for centuries. Patterns. Here is how you escape that pattern. Here is what to do. And don’t blame her, she is also human.[/quote]

My mom was abused and she abused me. I was abused by my mom and YET I have never abused any child, most especially my own. Before you credit my mom for me not being abusive, you should know she was an alcoholic who physically, verbally and mentally abused me and she neglected my physical and emotional needs. My father abandoned the family and didn't protect me. Why am I not a monster? Short answer: you don't abuse children.[/quote]

So your Mom probably was abused more than you or worse than you or maybe she grew up with less of an education or resources than you, maybe she had more children than you. Your life is not the same as hers. You are emontionally abusing an abused woman - your mother. [/quote]

Why did she not only not protect, but abuse me? She allowed others to hit me, too. When I came to her for help, she effectively silenced me. Her abuse and neglect of me desensitized me to abuse and contributed to my tolerating dating violence. I was nearly killed by a boyfriend when I was 16. 
I never blamed my mother while she lived. I was a dutiful daughter who worked to gainmy mother's love and acceptance, which she never gave me. Tell me again how I abused her.[/quote]

Your lack of compassion for her pain is violence.
[/quote]

She caused my pain. How would you characterize her? Also, why do I not abuse children?[/quote]

She was a victim of violence and abuse too. But her pain is nothing. Yours is everything. You seem emotionally unstable so I am sure your children are suffering from your bitterness and emotional trauma, you just can't see past it and recognize how it affects them.[/quote]

You're a dunderhead. Knowing what my mother suffered gives me understanding of why she was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic. It doesn't mitigate the suffering I endure because of her treatment of me. I have decades of therapy under my belt, much of it *before having children. I am what is known as a good enough mother and my children are thriving. Like my mother, I carry the pain, shame and hurt through this life. Unlike my mother, I DO NOT take it out on others.
I think you are a pot stirring troll and likely "spank" your kids. [/quote]

My mother was mentally ill,, neglected her many kids, beat us daily and was married to an abusive alcoholic. We suffered, but she suffered more in her life.

Fast forward, I never hit my kids. I don't hate my mom or ŕspeak ill of her to my kids. She is passed now. I always keep in mind that kids will do as you do. They will learn how to treat you, how to forgive you from how you treat your own parents. [/quote]

What does this have to do with the issue of PP suffering because of the mother's actions?

Commenters here are saying this time and time again but it doesn't seem to come through. So I will try again. It is both true that a parent can suffer more in their lives because their themselves were abused, and that their parenting severely damaged their children. In fact I think this is common because generations ago abuse was not really considered abuse and so abuse is for the most part reduced throughout the generations.. We can totally acknowledge that. But why on earth should that mean we not acknowledge the way we suffered too? Why do you assume that acknowledging the fact that somebody hurt us mean that we think that is all it takes to "fix" us.

We all know that the cause of our issues may not be our fault, but managing our issues is our responsibility. That is not in question. But part of managing those issues is figuring out what happened to you as a child impacts your life today. [/quote]

I think this convo has jumped the shark. The discussion is about adult children struggling with emotional, life issues in therapy, pointing fingers of blame at the parents and leaving it there at the feet of the parent, throwing rage at the parent, being helpless and bitter. The adult child as victim instead of being in control as a mature adult, healing themselves and improving their own life choices.  It's the difference between blaming your parents that you got a divorce, lost a job, drink too much vs understanding your life and why you do what you do and that you can heal and change your life - YOU not Mom and Dad.[/quote]

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