DIL is distant with us, warm and close to other relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, other people have brought up possibilities that suggest you are wittingly or unwittingly the problem-- or even just that DIL is more introverted than you and so on.

Some of their complaints are those I have about my own MIL, and it could be those things-- but let me offer a couple of other possibilities:

-She has her own hangups about parents and parental figures. These may or may not coincide with any minor or major transgression on your part.

-DH has told her something very upsetting about his childhood, which she blames you for.

For example, you could be perfectly lovely and attentive ILs who now have their lives completely together, but could have been neglectful alcoholics in your son's childhood.

Or it could even be something you don't know about-- maybe he was bullied or molested and you didn't protect him, and you didn't know, but he thought (or she thinks) you should have.

So even though Occam's Razor suggests you need to change your own current behavior, there are two additional questions--

What is her relationship with her own parents?

What is your relationship with your own son?

Very interesting observation. My DH was molested as a child and his mom actually walked in on it happening and then ran out to get his dad. (It was in the hospital.) An hour later, his dad stormed in angrily demanding to know if anyone had touched him. My DH, all of 8 or 9, of course denied it. His mom then had a treat full meltdown about how worried has he was and how stressful it had been.

She literally ran out of the room while the molester was STILL THERE. And they left him alone in the hospital overnight after that.

Everything is all about her and her anxiety. DH has no desire at nearly 50 to confront them about how abandoned and terrified he was then and how much it had impacted his life. That’s on him…I wish he would get more therapy. But knowing what I know…I can’t stand her. I am polite. I am aloof. I have no patience with her litany of stressors. I will never be openly hostile. But I do not like her and I hate how my DH’s parents hurt and neglected him (there are many other stories but that is the worst.)

I do like some of his other relatives, and I am genuinesky enthusiastic to to see them.

OP, I suggest letting this go. Maybe she just doesn’t really like you. Thinking shout it this much isn’t helping. Just be friendly, don’t gossip, don’t be judgy, and let it go.

[Anonymous]

It may also be some pretty fundamental difference, like are you very religious, and DIL is not, or vice versa? Or is there a large political gulf, maybe even one you are unaware of? My SIL has gone down the Q-Anon rabbit hole over the past year or so, and although I truly do care about her, I just can’t respect the Q stuff, but also want to be polite… so I am distant and no longer warm with her.

[Anonymous]

My MIL might say the same about me. I watch her watching me socialize with other female relatives in her family and it’s like she is jealous when I show I enjoy their company. There is something uptight and judgemental about her and she doesn’t feel safe to divulge secrets to, unlike her female relatives. She comes across as a perfectionist although she would deny it. That makes it hard to relax around her. She also has said critical things about me and my family in the past. Of course, she doesn’t remember such things but I do and will never let my guard down around her.

[Anonymous]

You said or did something negative about her and/or her family in the past, perhaps when she and your son were dating. She doesn’t trust you, period. Be glad she treats you cordially.

[Anonymous]

In all reality you all may not be her cup of tea. It may always be like this so just live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL never stops talking and always about topics that I have zero interest in. She also does not respond to cues or redirection. She could be talking to a plant or anyone in the world. It’s relentless and makes me feel crazy.

This. I just spent a week with my ILs and retreated at every possible moment. They never listen, never engage, they just talk to talk. Oh you’re telling the same anecdote about your 50th high school reunion. I’ve heard it 28 times and am somehow supposed to engage. Oh you fail to listen to me so much that, after knowing me for 12 years, you don’t remember my siblings’ names, so when I bring them up in conversation, you say, “Who’s that?” Yeah, let me invest a lot of time and energy in you.

[Anonymous]

NP. This thread has been SO helpful to me as a MIL. THANK YOU!!

[Anonymous]

OP, could it be your son who is keeping your DIL at arms length? Maybe he is the puppet master.

If not, then I think with you it's all business because you are more like someone to smile at and exchange niceties than a type of mom who is helpful around the house and grandkids. Do you help your son and his wife with things? Offering to take their kids a few days, taking them out to nice dinners, etc? Do you offer to do dishes at their place?

You need to try to break through and show DIL you want to be there for her and their marriage and needs. They are the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. This thread has been SO helpful to me as a MIL. THANK YOU!!

NP. That’s great to hear! May I ask what you took away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don’t think DH and I have done anything to hurt or offend DIL. If we knew of something, we’d definitely want to know, and apologize.

DIL is polite but distant with us. Very “formal,” if that makes sense. Never warm and open. Is always pleasant, but doesn’t get close, doesn’t want to talk about herself. That would all be fine, but she is very warm and open and fun with other members of our family, including older adults.

I almost feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned feeling that she’s distant with us to my cousin, who is my age and lives close to us…and my cousin genuinely doesn’t know what I’m talking about, because DIL gives her warm hugs and chats with her and doesn’t avoid her. When DIL hugs me, it’s honestly like a stiff offering of her upper body, not a hug.

What can I do? Can I ask her why she’s close with others in our family, but not with me? I just want her to stay and chat with us, instead of going to bed early, and talk to us with some level of enthusiasm, like she does with relatives she sees far less frequently.

You just gave it away. How often do you visit? If you're like my in-laws and you visit every month for several days at a time, and you monopolize all of their holidays (like insisting they go to you every christmas, and coming to visit for every birthday and other special occasions), then your DIL loves you very much, but she needs some space and would like you to lay off a little. I really truly genuinely love my in-laws, but we see them WAY too much.

I bet she does not love them at all. Why would she love them? She tolerates them.

You're quoting me. You can love someone and be sick of them. I, personally, would like a break from my in-laws who have been visiting once a month for a week at a time. That's 1/4 of our lives that they are in town. I'm over it and want my house back to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don’t think DH and I have done anything to hurt or offend DIL. If we knew of something, we’d definitely want to know, and apologize.

DIL is polite but distant with us. Very “formal,” if that makes sense. Never warm and open. Is always pleasant, but doesn’t get close, doesn’t want to talk about herself. That would all be fine, but she is very warm and open and fun with other members of our family, including older adults.

I almost feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned feeling that she’s distant with us to my cousin, who is my age and lives close to us…and my cousin genuinely doesn’t know what I’m talking about, because DIL gives her warm hugs and chats with her and doesn’t avoid her. When DIL hugs me, it’s honestly like a stiff offering of her upper body, not a hug.

What can I do? Can I ask her why she’s close with others in our family, but not with me? I just want her to stay and chat with us, instead of going to bed early, and talk to us with some level of enthusiasm, like she does with relatives she sees far less frequently.

You just gave it away. How often do you visit? If you're like my in-laws and you visit every month for several days at a time, and you monopolize all of their holidays (like insisting they go to you every christmas, and coming to visit for every birthday and other special occasions), then your DIL loves you very much, but she needs some space and would like you to lay off a little. I really truly genuinely love my in-laws, but we see them WAY too much.

I bet she does not love them at all. Why would she love them? She tolerates them.

You're quoting me. You can love someone and be sick of them. I, personally, would like a break from my in-laws who have been visiting once a month for a week at a time. That's 1/4 of our lives that they are in town. I'm over it and want my house back to myself.

Start inching it. It’s possible, because I’ve perfected this technique. Invent a reason why X-Y dates don’t work, and propose dates that are just two weeks later. Stretch it, and be subtle. “Oh, it would actually be great if you can come on X dates, because it’s on my calendar to go through their closets and swap out old clothes/make a list of what we need for fall…if you were here to keep them entertained, that would be a huge help.” Or, “Wouldn’t you rather come the following week? That’s the big swim meet.”

Be subtle, and stretch it. Have a reason that leaving on Tuesday is better than leaving on Wednesday. Inch it, nudge it, and you’ll be able to get yourself weeks of breaks without even your husband noticing. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL never stops talking and always about topics that I have zero interest in. She also does not respond to cues or redirection. She could be talking to a plant or anyone in the world. It’s relentless and makes me feel crazy.

This. I just spent a week with my ILs and retreated at every possible moment. They never listen, never engage, they just talk to talk. Oh you’re telling the same anecdote about your 50th high school reunion. I’ve heard it 28 times and am somehow supposed to engage. Oh you fail to listen to me so much that, after knowing me for 12 years, you don’t remember my siblings’ names, so when I bring them up in conversation, you say, “Who’s that?” Yeah, let me invest a lot of time and energy in you.

Lol. Same dynamic here. Last week my MIL spent a good 45 minutes telling me about the various careers of her former neighbors’ children. I’ve never met any of the people, and they all have very common careers. Why are we having this conversation? She also told me for the 20th time the story of how the cheerleader who acted snooty in HS is now, 50 years later, obese and divorced. I tried to cut her off, noting that she’d told the story before and also on leaded it in a recent Christmas letter (!), but no dice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don’t think DH and I have done anything to hurt or offend DIL. If we knew of something, we’d definitely want to know, and apologize.

DIL is polite but distant with us. Very “formal,” if that makes sense. Never warm and open. Is always pleasant, but doesn’t get close, doesn’t want to talk about herself. That would all be fine, but she is very warm and open and fun with other members of our family, including older adults.

I almost feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned feeling that she’s distant with us to my cousin, who is my age and lives close to us…and my cousin genuinely doesn’t know what I’m talking about, because DIL gives her warm hugs and chats with her and doesn’t avoid her. When DIL hugs me, it’s honestly like a stiff offering of her upper body, not a hug.

What can I do? Can I ask her why she’s close with others in our family, but not with me? I just want her to stay and chat with us, instead of going to bed early, and talk to us with some level of enthusiasm, like she does with relatives she sees far less frequently.

You just gave it away. How often do you visit? If you're like my in-laws and you visit every month for several days at a time, and you monopolize all of their holidays (like insisting they go to you every christmas, and coming to visit for every birthday and other special occasions), then your DIL loves you very much, but she needs some space and would like you to lay off a little. I really truly genuinely love my in-laws, but we see them WAY too much.

I bet she does not love them at all. Why would she love them? She tolerates them.

You're quoting me. You can love someone and be sick of them. I, personally, would like a break from my in-laws who have been visiting once a month for a week at a time. That's 1/4 of our lives that they are in town. I'm over it and want my house back to myself.

Start inching it. It’s possible, because I’ve perfected this technique. Invent a reason why X-Y dates don’t work, and propose dates that are just two weeks later. Stretch it, and be subtle. “Oh, it would actually be great if you can come on X dates, because it’s on my calendar to go through their closets and swap out old clothes/make a list of what we need for fall…if you were here to keep them entertained, that would be a huge help.” Or, “Wouldn’t you rather come the following week? That’s the big swim meet.”

Be subtle, and stretch it. Have a reason that leaving on Tuesday is better than leaving on Wednesday. Inch it, nudge it, and you’ll be able to get yourself weeks of breaks without even your husband noticing. Good luck!

This is good advice, PP! I operate in a similar way, and it has saved my sanity.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws rarely acknowledged me for 40 years. They've passed, but they set the die in the first weeks of my meeting them. I was the wrong religion, wrong political party, and had a child from a previous marriage. I remained civil and polite for the entire duration, they were guests in my home for every holiday, but it was clear that I was never going to be let in. They never started a conversation with me, never asked me about my job, my work, my life...ever. No joking around, no conversation. I did receive gifts on my birthday, though. Odd, because they talked over me, changed the subject, everything. It was all passive aggressive- never direct or confrontational. They also bad mouthed me to their friends, the few that they had. I actually cannot imagine what they had to offer. I was a great wife to their son, a good Mom, kind to them. They were overtly racist, anti- immigrant, hemophobic, and classist. My family came from immigrant origins, 2 generations ago (!), we weren't Christian, and I am a Democrat. But their son is too, and they blame me for that. I just decided to let it go after around year 15 and not care.

They recently died and just seeing their stuff in my house picks the hairs up on my neck. I think I have some PTSD. Maybe you are nice to your DIL, but she's picking something else up. I won't assume it's really something, as I don't know you, but if you care, bring it up to her. Had that ever been asked of me, I would have told them. I am probably your age now!

[Anonymous]

I agree with a previous MIL PP that these stories and responses are all fascinating! I was a MIL for 20 years before my son divorced. I was also a DIL for 20+ years before my inlaws died. A lot of this stuff mentioned is fascinating from both perspectives.

I was thinking about how my husband told me before we married that when he was in the service he sent a lot of money home each month for his dad to put in his savings account. When he got out of the service he found out his dad had spent it all, mostly on drinking but also other things. That was something I would never have talked about to my in laws but I knew it and it definitely colored my view of my FIL.

I can't even get into the issues with my DIL other than to say when my son told me they were getting divorced was one of the happiest days of my life. My relationship with her started out good but gradually became almost non-existent. However, I could not be honest with her about any of it and still maintain confidentiality with what my son had told me. So there's always that aspect of respecting your child's marriage, or respecting your spouse's relationship with their parents, and therefore becoming distant rather than being honest and wreaking havoc.