DIL is distant with us, warm and close to other relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. This thread has been SO helpful to me as a MIL. THANK YOU!!

NP. That’s great to hear! May I ask what you took away?

+1. I’m just curious. I’m glad it was helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just the fact that you talk about her to your cousin is a red flag. When you gossip about people, it often gets back to them. Or you become a known gossip, and people rightly stay far away from you.

We have a winner here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

This is exactly the case for me as well. Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the fact that you talk about her to your cousin is a red flag. When you gossip about people, it often gets back to them. Or you become a known gossip, and people rightly stay far away from you.

We have a winner here.

Don't agree. OP has concerns about her relationship with her DIL. She talked about it with her cousin. That is not gossip. It is discussing her feelings with her own relative who she sees as a sounding board. Her cousin responded by telling OP that DIL is warm and friendly with her, which confirmed OPs feelings that DIL is distant with her.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. I wonder if my MIL would say this about me. She did complain to DH early on that I didn't make enough of an effort to talk to her. I tried to be more friendly - I'm just reserved generally and we don't have a lot in common, so it's kind of a lift for me to keep a conversation going. I mostly ask her about herself or talk about my kids.

She is also a big gossip but I don't really care what she passes on to the rest of the family as we live far away, so that doesn't affect what I tell her (except for pregnancy - after she told basically her whole family about SIL's early pregnancy despite being asked not to, and SIL then lost the baby, there was no way I was going to share pregnancy news until 2nd tri).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL never stops talking and always about topics that I have zero interest in. She also does not respond to cues or redirection. She could be talking to a plant or anyone in the world. It’s relentless and makes me feel crazy.

This. I just spent a week with my ILs and retreated at every possible moment. They never listen, never engage, they just talk to talk. Oh you’re telling the same anecdote about your 50th high school reunion. I’ve heard it 28 times and am somehow supposed to engage. Oh you fail to listen to me so much that, after knowing me for 12 years, you don’t remember my siblings’ names, so when I bring them up in conversation, you say, “Who’s that?” Yeah, let me invest a lot of time and energy in you.

Lol. Same dynamic here. Last week my MIL spent a good 45 minutes telling me about the various careers of her former neighbors’ children. I’ve never met any of the people, and they all have very common careers. Why are we having this conversation? She also told me for the 20th time the story of how the cheerleader who acted snooty in HS is now, 50 years later, obese and divorced. I tried to cut her off, noting that she’d told the story before and also on leaded it in a recent Christmas letter (!), but no dice.

Omg my in-laws just left and it’s all of this. Also, from the moment they arrive, there’s an ongoing dialogue between them about where they each are on the upgrade list for first class. We hear roughly 10 updates a day. A decade + later I now run errands or leave to hang w friends the entire visit and drop in for a dinner or two. They really only care about seeing DH and grandkids anyway.

[Anonymous]

Has anything ever happened in the past, OP? My MIL could probably say the same thing about me. She seems to have forgotten that she was absolutely vile to me the entire time my husband and I dated (over 5 years) - she was not thrilled at her son’s choice of partner before she even met me, and did not bother to hide it. When we called her to let her know we were engaged, the silence on her end was so long my husband thought they’d gotten disconnected.

Once the grandchildren came along, all of a sudden it was “I love you, I’m so lucky to have you as a DIL!” She’s a good grandmother to the kids. I am polite, I always welcome her and encourage a close relationship with the kids, but will I ever let down my guard and show her an ounce of vulnerability? Never, ever. I bet she thinks that’s all in the past though, and doesn’t understand why all her I love yous go unacknowledged.

[Anonymous]

I am like this with my inlaws. I am an introvert, they are all extroverts. I am a morning person and my husband’s family all like to drink and talk late into the night. When my husband is around his family he forgets to be a husband and a father - so when it gets to be evening time the last thing I want to do is sit around and chat after chasing my kids all day and making sure they have food to eat, sunscreen on, aren’t too wild in MIL’s house full of fragile things.

If your DIL disappears instead of visiting, try making sure your son is holding up his 50% or more of the hosting duties. Maybe if he is making your bed, fixing your coffee, making dinner your DIL will feel like sitting down and chatting with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you gossip? My ILs talk about everybody else’s business—finances (or perceived finances), health (even very personal details and diagnoses that the actual patients aren’t disclosing broadly), even how others parent.

The lesson I take away is: of course I will tell my ILs nothing. Because I know they’ll use any personal information or detail as fodder for gossip elsewhere. Nope! Small talk only.

This is me w/my MIL. I don’t share anything that I don’t want used for her conversational purposes. I recognize that she’s alone and she doesn’t “gossip” with malice. She’s lonely and wants to be relevant in having something to converse about…so she talks about everyone else. I just don’t want to be the fodder.