DIL is distant with us, warm and close to other relatives

[Anonymous]

I truly don’t think DH and I have done anything to hurt or offend DIL. If we knew of something, we’d definitely want to know, and apologize.

DIL is polite but distant with us. Very “formal,” if that makes sense. Never warm and open. Is always pleasant, but doesn’t get close, doesn’t want to talk about herself. That would all be fine, but she is very warm and open and fun with other members of our family, including older adults.

I almost feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned feeling that she’s distant with us to my cousin, who is my age and lives close to us…and my cousin genuinely doesn’t know what I’m talking about, because DIL gives her warm hugs and chats with her and doesn’t avoid her. When DIL hugs me, it’s honestly like a stiff offering of her upper body, not a hug.

What can I do? Can I ask her why she’s close with others in our family, but not with me? I just want her to stay and chat with us, instead of going to bed early, and talk to us with some level of enthusiasm, like she does with relatives she sees far less frequently.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

[Anonymous]

Time is the only thing here OP. I really encourage you not to bring it up with her. It will not work.

Think about it like any other relationship. If you wanted to get closer with someone, would you sit them down and say "Please be more open and warm with me?" Of course not.

How long has she been a part of your family? With my SIL, it took a solid five years before she became comfortable enough with both me and my parents to really connect.

Just keep giving opportunities, being inclusive, and be as careful as you can not to sound judgmental. (I will admit though that it is a fine balance. It is difficult to develop true comfort and closeness when you are walking on eggshells to not offend....)

[Anonymous]

Do you gossip? My ILs talk about everybody else’s business—finances (or perceived finances), health (even very personal details and diagnoses that the actual patients aren’t disclosing broadly), even how others parent.

The lesson I take away is: of course I will tell my ILs nothing. Because I know they’ll use any personal information or detail as fodder for gossip elsewhere. Nope! Small talk only.

[Anonymous]

Do you remember her birthdays and acknowledge them kindly? Do you ask about her parents/family and if they’re well? Remember her food preferences and favorite restaurant?

I agree completely with PP that bringing it up with her won’t work. It will probably backfire actually. It sounds like, for some reason, she didn’t feel warmly welcomed by you. So I would try to turn up the warmth.

[Anonymous]

You are taking this way too personally and she probably senses your neediness. My inlaws expected me to fall automatically close to them just because I married their son. I don't work that way.

I just want her to stay and chat with us, instead of going to bed early, and talk to us with some level of enthusiasm, like she does with relatives she sees far less frequently.

She needs her downtime during visits esp if she is an extrovert. She is be polite to the distant relatives. It's easier to remain surface level and enthusiastic with them. It's also not kosher for you to be talking about her to them.

[Anonymous]

^ esp if she in an INTROVERT, I mean.

[Anonymous]

This is me. Most of the above ring true - my ILs gossip to everyone, have zero boundaries, don’t know what personal space or privacy is, and are extremely braggy and boastful but don’t see this as a problem. It’s easier for me to be polite and formal and just not engage. Period. They also don’t know me - but probably think they do. They talk about themselves so much I can’t get a word in edgewise so don’t bother trying anymore.

[Anonymous]

It’s easy to be “on” for visiting relatives for, say, two hours. That’s a short visit. A party or going to church or a restaurant together. It’s easy to be social for a few hours.

But, especially for introverts, you need time to recharge. My ILs expect us to overnight-visit or vacation together and be TOGETHER AND CHATTING for every single g-d minute. No thanks, I need some alone time. I need some time to recharge.

I used to do what they want, but now I just take my time as needed and I really don’t care if they think I’m cold or whatever. I don’t need to sit in a circle, staring and talking about absolutely nothing all day. You do you.

[Anonymous]

Ask her about her life and always respond positively. Be a good listener.

Also respect it just may not be possible and you may have to respect that.

[Anonymous]

You clearly talk about her behind her back with other relatives. And she probably knows this and deliberately keeps you at arm’s length.

[Anonymous]

I’m like this. My in laws just want too much together time. They come once a month for 3-4 days where we are expected to be together every moment. And they plan their next Trip before The current one is even over. Also, they really seem to view may not as an individual but as a “their sons wife” and “the person who provides their grand children”.

I think they’ve tried to change their attitude over the last few years and treat me more as a human but some of the resentment just runs too deep at this point. I’m not going to suddenly forget my MIL holding my baby and not giving him back when I asked, as I was recovering from a C section and unable to just get up and get him back. “Oh, not yet, I’m still visiting him!” And then coming to visit us a few days later and holding the baby while I do chores, while smiling and saying ruefully “I know I should help you with that laundry since you’re still recovering but I just can’t get enough of snuggling this baby!”

You know who else wanted to snuggle the baby? Me, the first time mom!

Anyways now that I’ve learned to be more assertive, they seem to walk on eggshells around me. And I don’t mean assertive as in mean, I mean like “no, I’m going to keep the baby for now, I’ll let you know when I’m ready to give her to someone else”. Or “actually I’m going to go to bed a little early because I’m tired, but I’m sure DH would enjoy looking at your 4874 pictures from your childhood”

They probably think I’m too distant but at this point I’m in over my head with my job and my small kids and I just don’t have the energy to care.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws would probably say this about me, too. It's a possibility you are not aware of how you really treat her, and it's also a possiblity that your DH is really not nice to her but you're blind to it.

I learned to be very very guarded around my in-laws because they talk crap about everyone and everything you say is used against you. My father-in-law would jump on every little thing I said. I just preferred not to talk to them. Also, I was always exhausted from interacting with them during the day, so the second I could escape up to bed, I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s easy to be “on” for visiting relatives for, say, two hours. That’s a short visit. A party or going to church or a restaurant together. It’s easy to be social for a few hours.

But, especially for introverts, you need time to recharge. My ILs expect us to overnight-visit or vacation together and be TOGETHER AND CHATTING for every single g-d minute. No thanks, I need some alone time. I need some time to recharge.

I used to do what they want, but now I just take my time as needed and I really don’t care if they think I’m cold or whatever. I don’t need to sit in a circle, staring and talking about absolutely nothing all day. You do you.

This is me. I can't do 3 meals plus extended cocktail hour every day. It literally gives me a headache.

My ILs don't ask about my parents. I think they asked about my sibling once ever. Their idea of conversation is judgmental gossip about other people in the family and open trashing of anyone overweight, whether we know them or not. This tells me a lot about them and about what I am willing to share with them. I know my MIL judges me because I eat dinner. Not kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

I feel this hard, and distance is exactly right in this scenario.