DIL is distant with us, warm and close to other relatives

[Anonymous]

Oh also, they have shown me that a comment they have a problem with will be rehashed for literally decades. So it feels unsafe to say much of anything, lest they latch on to it and drag it out later. Once literally 25 years ago when my DH and I were dating and before I knew the rules, I said I wondered if my DH would like something they had just purchased. It was a dumb thing to say and I was a dumb 25 year old. They STILL bring it up. "Remember when you said Chris wouldn't like that XX we bought! Then he loved it! Hahaha". Lesson learned.

18 years ago my husband's aunt made a political comment they didn't like. They still talk about it. Sooooo tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s easy to be “on” for visiting relatives for, say, two hours. That’s a short visit. A party or going to church or a restaurant together. It’s easy to be social for a few hours.

But, especially for introverts, you need time to recharge. My ILs expect us to overnight-visit or vacation together and be TOGETHER AND CHATTING for every single g-d minute. No thanks, I need some alone time. I need some time to recharge.

I used to do what they want, but now I just take my time as needed and I really don’t care if they think I’m cold or whatever. I don’t need to sit in a circle, staring and talking about absolutely nothing all day. You do you.

This is me. I can't do 3 meals plus extended cocktail hour every day. It literally gives me a headache.

My ILs don't ask about my parents. I think they asked about my sibling once ever. Their idea of conversation is judgmental gossip about other people in the family and open trashing of anyone overweight, whether we know them or not. This tells me a lot about them and about what I am willing to share with them. I know my MIL judges me because I eat dinner. Not kidding.

Yup. My mom was recovering from a stroke and my MIL launched into a story about how her aunts stepdaughter had high blood pressure or something. And talked about it for 30min over dinner. She expects everyone to listen to the most minute details of these unknown relatives lives while simultaneously caring not a stitch that her grandkids other grandmother is in the hospital. It’s rude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh also, they have shown me that a comment they have a problem with will be rehashed for literally decades. So it feels unsafe to say much of anything, lest they latch on to it and drag it out later. Once literally 25 years ago when my DH and I were dating and before I knew the rules, I said I wondered if my DH would like something they had just purchased. It was a dumb thing to say and I was a dumb 25 year old. They STILL bring it up. "Remember when you said Chris wouldn't like that XX we bought! Then he loved it! Hahaha". Lesson learned.

18 years ago my husband's aunt made a political comment they didn't like. They still talk about it. Sooooo tiresome.

Once my MIL came to visit and asked for crab cakes (we are in baltimore). I offered a few places that had great ones for take and bake. She said no, she wanted me to make them. Me personally. It was so weird. I just went ahead and did it, and she still (10 years later) talks about how she once made me make her crab cakes and I was SO MAD!

I was perfectly polite about it. If she sensed how annoyed I was, why didn’t she just say “oh nevermind actually let’s get those Faidleys ones you mentioned!” It irritates me even more that she noticed my irritation but chose to ignore it because she had some weird desire that I cook for her

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s gray rocking you. Is there a reason? Do you pry and use what she says against her? Do you lack boundaries? Maybe observe how the other family members treat HER and compare that to your own behavior instead of looking at only how she treats them versus you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time is the only thing here OP. I really encourage you not to bring it up with her. It will not work.

Think about it like any other relationship. If you wanted to get closer with someone, would you sit them down and say "Please be more open and warm with me?" Of course not.

How long has she been a part of your family? With my SIL, it took a solid five years before she became comfortable enough with both me and my parents to really connect.

Just keep giving opportunities, being inclusive, and be as careful as you can not to sound judgmental. (I will admit though that it is a fine balance. It is difficult to develop true comfort and closeness when you are walking on eggshells to not offend....)

This. Relationships develop organically. People are constantly reading eachother and over time you figure out if someone is safe. If you gossip in front of her, show judgment, belittle, or make snide comments over time she will decide you are not safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly don’t think DH and I have done anything to hurt or offend DIL. If we knew of something, we’d definitely want to know, and apologize.

DIL is polite but distant with us. Very “formal,” if that makes sense. Never warm and open. Is always pleasant, but doesn’t get close, doesn’t want to talk about herself. That would all be fine, but she is very warm and open and fun with other members of our family, including older adults.

I almost feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned feeling that she’s distant with us to my cousin, who is my age and lives close to us…and my cousin genuinely doesn’t know what I’m talking about, because DIL gives her warm hugs and chats with her and doesn’t avoid her. When DIL hugs me, it’s honestly like a stiff offering of her upper body, not a hug.

What can I do? Can I ask her why she’s close with others in our family, but not with me? I just want her to stay and chat with us, instead of going to bed early, and talk to us with some level of enthusiasm, like she does with relatives she sees far less frequently.

You just gave it away. How often do you visit? If you're like my in-laws and you visit every month for several days at a time, and you monopolize all of their holidays (like insisting they go to you every christmas, and coming to visit for every birthday and other special occasions), then your DIL loves you very much, but she needs some space and would like you to lay off a little. I really truly genuinely love my in-laws, but we see them WAY too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m like this. My in laws just want too much together time. They come once a month for 3-4 days where we are expected to be together every moment. And they plan their next Trip before The current one is even over. Also, they really seem to view may not as an individual but as a “their sons wife” and “the person who provides their grand children”.

I think they’ve tried to change their attitude over the last few years and treat me more as a human but some of the resentment just runs too deep at this point. I’m not going to suddenly forget my MIL holding my baby and not giving him back when I asked, as I was recovering from a C section and unable to just get up and get him back. “Oh, not yet, I’m still visiting him!” And then coming to visit us a few days later and holding the baby while I do chores, while smiling and saying ruefully “I know I should help you with that laundry since you’re still recovering but I just can’t get enough of snuggling this baby!”

You know who else wanted to snuggle the baby? Me, the first time mom!

Anyways now that I’ve learned to be more assertive, they seem to walk on eggshells around me. And I don’t mean assertive as in mean, I mean like “no, I’m going to keep the baby for now, I’ll let you know when I’m ready to give her to someone else”. Or “actually I’m going to go to bed a little early because I’m tired, but I’m sure DH would enjoy looking at your 4874 pictures from your childhood”


+1. My MIL did something similar when I had my first baby—she thought she could tell ME when she would give me MY baby back. She clearly viewed me as a child who would nod and smile and do what she was told. I refuse to have anything beyond a perfunctory relationship with anybody who tries to push me out of my role as mother to my children. FTR, my daughter was my MIL’s fifth grandchild, so she wasn’t new to this rodeo. This is one of many examples, but the bottom line is she thinks she’s in charge of me, my DH, and our kids. Even my DH says the happiest years of her life were the years with kids at home and she doesn’t distinguish between the roles of mother and grandmother.

[Anonymous]

With my MIL it’s because she’s always tense and anxious and talks sh*t about everyone. She just uncomfortable to be around.

[Anonymous]

In other words, OP, if these stories are accurate, it’s because you also have another perfect DIL (like the pp’s) who just don’t like you, perhaps due to resentment from something that happened years ago!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

You have social anxiety, right? The reason you see the bringing up of olives as pointing out you are "different," is what people with social anxiety think. That everyone sidelines them, judges every word and gesture... I mean I read your whole post like something my 22-year-old DS with severe social anxiety would say, perceive or do.
What exact questions do they ask? Perhaps they bring them us as they have nothing to talk to with the person that is so defensive.

[Anonymous]

If we take everything you wrote at face value, that she is nice to all others and "soft" in hugs (LOL!), there is one simple explanation.
You pissed her off with something, and she is polite but distant.
The simplest explanation is almost always the right one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

You have social anxiety, right? The reason you see the bringing up of olives as pointing out you are "different," is what people with social anxiety think. That everyone sidelines them, judges every word and gesture... I mean I read your whole post like something my 22-year-old DS with severe social anxiety would say, perceive or do.
What exact questions do they ask? Perhaps they bring them us as they have nothing to talk to with the person that is so defensive.

NP, and your take is a head-scratcher. I don't see where PP exhibits any signs of social anxiety from her post. Her ILs are the ones who keep pointing out the oddities/differences. It's a form of exclusion, and derision.

[Anonymous]

OP, there's another person at play here - your son.

Have you had any issues with him? Or have you had any conversations with him about your DIL, maybe said something she might take offense at? If so it may be possible your son told her something you said and she is upset about that.

You've had much input from DILs thus far and those do bear some reflection on your part to see if it might be relative to your situation.

FWIW, I do understand why it is upsetting to you when your DIL is very warm and open to others, especially when they are members of YOUR family. That makes it doubly hard. It might also make it hard for your son, who surely knows that his wife keeps you at arms distance.

I've been in a similar situation where I was essentially ostracized and given the cold-shoulder by an in-law and at the same time, they were very friendly and engaging with MY family. My family saw through it and if anything it changed their opinions of this person.

Most of the time DCUM responses are going to be overwhelmingly from the DILs perspective and it usually does not bode well for any MIL who posts here. Take it with a grain of salt...

[Anonymous]

I’m definitely like this with my MIL and no one else (other than a former boss who irrationally hated me and tried to tank my career). PPs above have identified most of the issues: MIL gossips, is super judgmental, plays favorites with my kids - and randomly yells at them when they do something she thinks is wrong, and is an ultimate bean counter. She is also obsessed with money - wants to know how much a random friend of my son’s new house cost, how much do we spend on summer camp, how much my best friends husband earns. It’s exhausting. She’s exhausting. And she insists on staying at our house over a hotel or air B and B. So I am formal with her and not warm. I love her, but can’t stand to be around her for more than a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In other words, OP, if these stories are accurate, it’s because you also have another perfect DIL (like the pp’s) who just don’t like you, perhaps due to resentment from something that happened years ago!

Exactly. Thanks PP.