DIL is distant with us, warm and close to other relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

You have social anxiety, right? The reason you see the bringing up of olives as pointing out you are "different," is what people with social anxiety think. That everyone sidelines them, judges every word and gesture... I mean I read your whole post like something my 22-year-old DS with severe social anxiety would say, perceive or do.
What exact questions do they ask? Perhaps they bring them us as they have nothing to talk to with the person that is so defensive.

NP, and your take is a head-scratcher. I don't see where PP exhibits any signs of social anxiety from her post. Her ILs are the ones who keep pointing out the oddities/differences. It's a form of exclusion, and derision.

Sorry, but I agree with PP that this person has some sort of anxiety or minor paranoia. First of all, they admit being distant towards in laws "early on." The olive situation seems to be a minor non-event which PP has ruminated and ruminated over, and claims that EVERY conversation the in-laws somehow manage to include olives JUST TO SHOW HER HOW MUCH SHE DOES'NT FIT IN. Really? I find that very hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

You have social anxiety, right? The reason you see the bringing up of olives as pointing out you are "different," is what people with social anxiety think. That everyone sidelines them, judges every word and gesture... I mean I read your whole post like something my 22-year-old DS with severe social anxiety would say, perceive or do.
What exact questions do they ask? Perhaps they bring them us as they have nothing to talk to with the person that is so defensive.

Nah, my mom used to do the same thing with my DH (her son in law). It's a way of exerting control and/or diminishing him by reducing him to The Guy Who Doesn't Like Tomatoes.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way about my in-laws. They’re close and friendly to others but keep me at arms length. They go out of their way to never talk to me other than superficial stuff. They never gossip, tell me anything about their other family members, no funny stories. We freaking talk about the weather. I see them chat with other relatives when I’m not right there and they’re so friendly. I think they just don’t want to offend me so they stay pleasant and distant to me. Instead it just means we never get to know each other.

[Anonymous]

Just give it time, act friendly, watch that you aren't doing anything unconsciously hostile or weird or annoying, and just let her have space. Trust takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely like this with my MIL and no one else (other than a former boss who irrationally hated me and tried to tank my career). PPs above have identified most of the issues: MIL gossips, is super judgmental, plays favorites with my kids - and randomly yells at them when they do something she thinks is wrong, and is an ultimate bean counter. She is also obsessed with money - wants to know how much a random friend of my son’s new house cost, how much do we spend on summer camp, how much my best friends husband earns. It’s exhausting. She’s exhausting. And she insists on staying at our house over a hotel or air B and B. So I am formal with her and not warm. I love her, but can’t stand to be around her for more than a couple of hours.

No you don't. You've thrown that word in there to make yourself look like the better person. Be honest and say that you tolerate her but don't like her.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Compare that with what you've written. Don't abuse the word love because that is not what you feel for her.

[Anonymous]

This is me. OP, how are you with DIL? Do you listen and engage with her when she talks, do you ask questions and keep conversation going? My MIL is very quiet to be point of lacking social graces. I have to put in all the effort like basically a monologue and I don't have the interest or energy any more. I am actually very warm and enthusiastic with other relatives bc I am so happy someone else is there! And these other ppl do actually make conversation and it's just not hard. And like some PPs have mentioned, it's for shorter stretches of time, which is easier. With MIL I just don't know how to fill the time and the quiet -- it's very awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

You have social anxiety, right? The reason you see the bringing up of olives as pointing out you are "different," is what people with social anxiety think. That everyone sidelines them, judges every word and gesture... I mean I read your whole post like something my 22-year-old DS with severe social anxiety would say, perceive or do.
What exact questions do they ask? Perhaps they bring them us as they have nothing to talk to with the person that is so defensive.

Nah, my mom used to do the same thing with my DH (her son in law). It's a way of exerting control and/or diminishing him by reducing him to The Guy Who Doesn't Like Tomatoes.

+1. Some people are just weird. I know a DIL who told her future MIL she doesn’t like fish. Without fail, MIL serves something with fish at every family meal. Every time it’s, “oh it’s ok, DIL won’t eat that, she doesn’t like fish”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

You have social anxiety, right? The reason you see the bringing up of olives as pointing out you are "different," is what people with social anxiety think. That everyone sidelines them, judges every word and gesture... I mean I read your whole post like something my 22-year-old DS with severe social anxiety would say, perceive or do.
What exact questions do they ask? Perhaps they bring them us as they have nothing to talk to with the person that is so defensive.

NP, and your take is a head-scratcher. I don't see where PP exhibits any signs of social anxiety from her post. Her ILs are the ones who keep pointing out the oddities/differences. It's a form of exclusion, and derision.

Sorry, but I agree with PP that this person has some sort of anxiety or minor paranoia. First of all, they admit being distant towards in laws "early on." The olive situation seems to be a minor non-event which PP has ruminated and ruminated over, and claims that EVERY conversation the in-laws somehow manage to include olives JUST TO SHOW HER HOW MUCH SHE DOES'NT FIT IN. Really? I find that very hard to believe.

Right?
Olives for years, that is way too much for even the worst haters to recall...Plus, everyone doesn't ask about ME, doesn't care about me, brings up things to make ME feel bad. They don't remember big things about her life, which would be a huge weapon to use against this pp, but they remember olives?
I think not.

[Anonymous]

OP - you can not, and you should not do anything. If you want to *once* ask your own son, for his advice, that would be ok. And, with him, leave it at, "if there's anything we can ever do to improve the relationship, please let us know".

But once. You say this once. Otherwise, you would be wise to not cloud your *ok* relationship with your DIL with negative thoughts.

(btw, she doesn't have to like you.You need to accept that. Not saying she doesn't. But she certainly won't grow to like you any better if you lay expectations on her)

I'm your age, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you can not, and you should not do anything. If you want to *once* ask your own son, for his advice, that would be ok. And, with him, leave it at, "if there's anything we can ever do to improve the relationship, please let us know".

But once. You say this once. Otherwise, you would be wise to not cloud your *ok* relationship with your DIL with negative thoughts.

(btw, she doesn't have to like you.You need to accept that. Not saying she doesn't. But she certainly won't grow to like you any better if you lay expectations on her)

I'm your age, btw.

I agree with this approach. It is reasonable to ask the question, then actually listen to the response.

I also agree that it would be wise not to be negative about DIL but that can be quite a daunting task. Especially if the DIL is making her point by fawning over OP's relatives in front of her. That's a bit "nose-rubbing" IMO.

[Anonymous]

You expect more of her than she is willing to give. She knows and senses your disapproval.

You have pried or overstepped her boundaries before, so she keeps a bit more distance.

She doesn't fully trust you enough to feel comfortable in your presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

You have social anxiety, right? The reason you see the bringing up of olives as pointing out you are "different," is what people with social anxiety think. That everyone sidelines them, judges every word and gesture... I mean I read your whole post like something my 22-year-old DS with severe social anxiety would say, perceive or do.
What exact questions do they ask? Perhaps they bring them us as they have nothing to talk to with the person that is so defensive.

Nah, my mom used to do the same thing with my DH (her son in law). It's a way of exerting control and/or diminishing him by reducing him to The Guy Who Doesn't Like Tomatoes.

Olive Example Poster here. I do not think I suffer from anxiety, or am making this up. Tell me what you think of this exchange.

FIL: “We’re ordering pizza; what would you like?”
Me: “I’m up for anything. I like everything from Bob’s Pizza [their local favorite place].”
MIL, apropos of nothing: “Oh, don’t ask HER. She’ll ask for OLIVES on her pizza.”
Me: “No, I know you guys don’t like olives. I really like any kind of pizza, thank you!”
FIL: “Well, Mary’s right, we wont’ be getting OLIVE PIZZA.”

Like, OK. I never bring up olives or serve them, ever, at all. And I promise you, they talk about olives every single visit. It’s actually a little bizarrely funny. But there is a very Not One of Us vibe to every little visit, including things like I do like dominos, and play it with them while visiting because it’s what they like to do, but I’m only up for a few rounds, not 15. “Don’t invite HER to play dominos! She always quits EARLY!” Okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this way about my in-laws. They’re close and friendly to others but keep me at arms length. They go out of their way to never talk to me other than superficial stuff. They never gossip, tell me anything about their other family members, no funny stories. We freaking talk about the weather. I see them chat with other relatives when I’m not right there and they’re so friendly. I think they just don’t want to offend me so they stay pleasant and distant to me. Instead it just means we never get to know each other.

Are you a gossip? Do you pry? Do you kick things up? If they see you doing that, why would they trust you with any real information, or even stories?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely like this with my MIL and no one else (other than a former boss who irrationally hated me and tried to tank my career). PPs above have identified most of the issues: MIL gossips, is super judgmental, plays favorites with my kids - and randomly yells at them when they do something she thinks is wrong, and is an ultimate bean counter. She is also obsessed with money - wants to know how much a random friend of my son’s new house cost, how much do we spend on summer camp, how much my best friends husband earns. It’s exhausting. She’s exhausting. And she insists on staying at our house over a hotel or air B and B. So I am formal with her and not warm. I love her, but can’t stand to be around her for more than a couple of hours.

No you don't. You've thrown that word in there to make yourself look like the better person. Be honest and say that you tolerate her but don't like her.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Compare that with what you've written. Don't abuse the word love because that is not what you feel for her.

NP. Do you get that not everyone is Christian, and not everyone defines love as the above?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel this way about my in-laws. They’re close and friendly to others but keep me at arms length. They go out of their way to never talk to me other than superficial stuff. They never gossip, tell me anything about their other family members, no funny stories. We freaking talk about the weather. I see them chat with other relatives when I’m not right there and they’re so friendly. I think they just don’t want to offend me so they stay pleasant and distant to me. Instead it just means we never get to know each other.

Are you a gossip? Do you pry? Do you kick things up? If they see you doing that, why would they trust you with any real information, or even stories?

Not at all. I’m an interesting person with lots of hobbies and interests. I just don’t feel like their family. It’s been well over a decade.