DIL is distant with us, warm and close to other relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you can not, and you should not do anything. If you want to *once* ask your own son, for his advice, that would be ok. And, with him, leave it at, "if there's anything we can ever do to improve the relationship, please let us know".

But once. You say this once. Otherwise, you would be wise to not cloud your *ok* relationship with your DIL with negative thoughts.

(btw, she doesn't have to like you.You need to accept that. Not saying she doesn't. But she certainly won't grow to like you any better if you lay expectations on her)

I'm your age, btw.

I agree with this approach. It is reasonable to ask the question, then actually listen to the response.

I also agree that it would be wise not to be negative about DIL but that can be quite a daunting task. Especially if the DIL is making her point by fawning over OP's relatives in front of her. That's a bit "nose-rubbing" IMO.

NP. Wow, there’s a reach. Giving Aunt Alice a warm hug and chatting with her politely during Easter brunch is “fawning,” and deliberately so, just to hurt MIL? I can’t even believe someone’s mind would go there.

It sounds like…she’s an introvert! As someone else mentioned upthread, it’s easy to be warm and chatty for, say, a four-hour stretch at a Fourth of July BBQ. But when you’re on Day 4 of a houseguest visit, yeah…a girl just needs some down time, you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not saying this is the scenario for you, but here’s some perspective.

I think my ILs would say this about me. The reason is because they genuinely do not care who I am as an individual person. They don’t ask me questions about me. They don’t remember even “big details” about me, my family, or my life.

They only want to know, is she One of Us. Will she fall in line. For even the smallest “oddity” about me, they make much of it, and focus on our differences. Down to the fact that no one in their family likes olives, and I love olives. They will bring olives into almost any conversation, as if to highlight that I Am Different From Them.

Pretty early on, I figured out that I only matter in comparison to them and their expectations. So I am, as you say, polite but distant. And my enthusiasm and affection are saved for people who care about me and are interested in me.

Could something similar be going on for you?

You have social anxiety, right? The reason you see the bringing up of olives as pointing out you are "different," is what people with social anxiety think. That everyone sidelines them, judges every word and gesture... I mean I read your whole post like something my 22-year-old DS with severe social anxiety would say, perceive or do.
What exact questions do they ask? Perhaps they bring them us as they have nothing to talk to with the person that is so defensive.

NP, and your take is a head-scratcher. I don't see where PP exhibits any signs of social anxiety from her post. Her ILs are the ones who keep pointing out the oddities/differences. It's a form of exclusion, and derision.

Sorry, but I agree with PP that this person has some sort of anxiety or minor paranoia. First of all, they admit being distant towards in laws "early on." The olive situation seems to be a minor non-event which PP has ruminated and ruminated over, and claims that EVERY conversation the in-laws somehow manage to include olives JUST TO SHOW HER HOW MUCH SHE DOES'NT FIT IN. Really? I find that very hard to believe.

NP. Be sure to point out how anxious and dramatic someone else is by using all caps to make your point.

[Anonymous]

I’m an introvert. When I’m friendly and chatty with more distant relatives of my ILs, it’s as a favor to my ILs, so no one will say their DIL was rude or aloof. Sorta crazy to me that my MIL might get offended by this effort by me, yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an introvert. When I’m friendly and chatty with more distant relatives of my ILs, it’s as a favor to my ILs, so no one will say their DIL was rude or aloof. Sorta crazy to me that my MIL might get offended by this effort by me, yikes

Don’t worry, PP. When people like OP look for something wrong, they’ll find it.

[Anonymous]

OP, as you can see it was a waste of your time to post this on DCUM. Anyone who does not completely agree and side with a DIL's perspective will be hammered.

Suggest you find another forum (there are lots out there) where you can get insight and advice from others who have been in your situation.

MILs are universally hated on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you can see it was a waste of your time to post this on DCUM. Anyone who does not completely agree and side with a DIL's perspective will be hammered.

Suggest you find another forum (there are lots out there) where you can get insight and advice from others who have been in your situation.

MILs are universally hated on here.

Did you even read the thread?

[Anonymous]

OP, other people have brought up possibilities that suggest you are wittingly or unwittingly the problem-- or even just that DIL is more introverted than you and so on.

Some of their complaints are those I have about my own MIL, and it could be those things-- but let me offer a couple of other possibilities:

-She has her own hangups about parents and parental figures. These may or may not coincide with any minor or major transgression on your part.

-DH has told her something very upsetting about his childhood, which she blames you for.

For example, you could be perfectly lovely and attentive ILs who now have their lives completely together, but could have been neglectful alcoholics in your son's childhood.

Or it could even be something you don't know about-- maybe he was bullied or molested and you didn't protect him, and you didn't know, but he thought (or she thinks) you should have.

So even though Occam's Razor suggests you need to change your own current behavior, there are two additional questions--

What is her relationship with her own parents?

What is your relationship with your own son?

[Anonymous]

She doesn't like you. She doesn't have to. You will live. So will she.

[Anonymous]

Just the fact that you talk about her to your cousin is a red flag. When you gossip about people, it often gets back to them. Or you become a known gossip, and people rightly stay far away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you can see it was a waste of your time to post this on DCUM. Anyone who does not completely agree and side with a DIL's perspective will be hammered.

Suggest you find another forum (there are lots out there) where you can get insight and advice from others who have been in your situation.

MILs are universally hated on here.

^This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don’t think DH and I have done anything to hurt or offend DIL. If we knew of something, we’d definitely want to know, and apologize.

DIL is polite but distant with us. Very “formal,” if that makes sense. Never warm and open. Is always pleasant, but doesn’t get close, doesn’t want to talk about herself. That would all be fine, but she is very warm and open and fun with other members of our family, including older adults.

I almost feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned feeling that she’s distant with us to my cousin, who is my age and lives close to us…and my cousin genuinely doesn’t know what I’m talking about, because DIL gives her warm hugs and chats with her and doesn’t avoid her. When DIL hugs me, it’s honestly like a stiff offering of her upper body, not a hug.

What can I do? Can I ask her why she’s close with others in our family, but not with me? I just want her to stay and chat with us, instead of going to bed early, and talk to us with some level of enthusiasm, like she does with relatives she sees far less frequently.

You just gave it away. How often do you visit? If you're like my in-laws and you visit every month for several days at a time, and you monopolize all of their holidays (like insisting they go to you every christmas, and coming to visit for every birthday and other special occasions), then your DIL loves you very much, but she needs some space and would like you to lay off a little. I really truly genuinely love my in-laws, but we see them WAY too much.

I bet she does not love them at all. Why would she love them? She tolerates them.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't trust you or feel warmly toward you for specific reasons. You need to honestly ask yourself what those reasons could be. Try hard to see things from her perspective.

[Anonymous]

You talk about her behind her back with your other relatives. You are a gossip. Why would she trust you and feel close to you?!

If you want to work on building a better relationship, stop gossiping—about her AND in front of her about other people.

[Anonymous]

I keep my ILs at arms length. FIL treats me terribly. MIL enables him and I can’t trust that anything I tell her doesn’t get right back to him. They are also big gossips and I don’t want my business broadcast.

[Anonymous]

My MIL never stops talking and always about topics that I have zero interest in. She also does not respond to cues or redirection. She could be talking to a plant or anyone in the world. It’s relentless and makes me feel crazy.