Reply to DIL is distant with us, warm and close to other relatives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I truly don’t think DH and I have done anything to hurt or offend DIL. If we knew of something, we’d definitely want to know, and apologize.

DIL is polite but distant with us. Very “formal,” if that makes sense. Never warm and open. Is always pleasant, but doesn’t get close, doesn’t want to talk about herself. That would all be fine, but she is very warm and open and fun with other members of our family, including older adults.

I almost feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned feeling that she’s distant with us to my cousin, who is my age and lives close to us…and my cousin genuinely doesn’t know what I’m talking about, because DIL gives her warm hugs and chats with her and doesn’t avoid her. When DIL hugs me, it’s honestly like a stiff offering of her upper body, not a hug.

What can I do? Can I ask her why she’s close with others in our family, but not with me? I just want her to stay and chat with us, instead of going to bed early, and talk to us with some level of enthusiasm, like she does[b] with relatives she sees far less frequently[/b].[/quote]

You just gave it away. How often do you visit? If you're like my in-laws and you visit every month for several days at a time, and you monopolize all of their holidays (like insisting they go to you every christmas, and coming to visit for every birthday and other special occasions), then your DIL loves you very much, but she needs some space and would like you to lay off a little. I really truly genuinely love my in-laws, but we see them WAY too much.[/quote]

I bet she does not love them at all. Why would she love them? She tolerates them.[/quote]

You're quoting me. You can love someone and be sick of them. I, personally, would like a break from my in-laws who have been visiting once a month for a week at a time. That's 1/4 of our lives that they are in town. I'm over it and want my house back to myself.[/quote]

Start inching it. It’s possible, because I’ve perfected this technique. Invent a reason why X-Y dates don’t work, and propose dates that are just two weeks later. Stretch it, and be subtle. “Oh, it would actually be great if you can come on X dates, because it’s on my calendar to go through their closets and swap out old clothes/make a list of what we need for fall…if you were here to keep them entertained, that would be a huge help.” Or, “Wouldn’t you rather come the following week? That’s the big swim meet.”

Be subtle, and stretch it. Have a reason that leaving on Tuesday is better than leaving on Wednesday. Inch it, nudge it, and you’ll be able to get yourself weeks of breaks without even your husband noticing. Good luck![/quote]

This is good advice, PP! I operate in a similar way, and it has saved my sanity. [/quote]

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