Reply to DIL is distant with us, warm and close to other relatives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, other people have brought up possibilities that suggest you are wittingly or unwittingly the problem-- or even just that DIL is more introverted than you and so on.

Some of their complaints are those I have about my own MIL, and it could be those things-- but let me offer a couple of other possibilities:

-She has her own hangups about parents and parental figures. These may or may not coincide with any minor or major transgression on your part.

-DH has told her something very upsetting about his childhood, which she blames you for.

For example, you could be perfectly lovely and attentive ILs who now have their lives completely together, but could have been neglectful alcoholics in your son's childhood.

Or it could even be something you don't know about-- maybe he was bullied or molested and you didn't protect him, and you didn't know, but he thought (or she thinks) you should have.

So even though Occam's Razor suggests you need to change your own current behavior, there are two additional questions--

What is her relationship with her own parents?

What is your relationship with your own son?[/quote]

Very interesting observation.  My DH was molested as a child and his mom actually walked in on it happening and then ran out to get his dad.  (It was in the hospital.)  An hour later, his dad stormed in angrily demanding to know if anyone had touched him.  My DH, all of 8 or 9, of course denied it.  His mom then had a treat full meltdown about how worried has he was and how stressful it had been.

She literally ran out of the room while the molester was STILL THERE.  And they left him alone in the hospital overnight after that.

Everything is all about her and her anxiety.  DH has no desire at nearly 50 to confront them about how abandoned and terrified he was then and how much it had impacted his life.  That’s on him…I wish he would get more therapy.  But knowing what I know…I can’t stand her.  I am polite.  I am aloof.  I have no patience with her litany of stressors.  I will never be openly hostile.  But I do not like her and I hate how my DH’s parents hurt and neglected him (there are many other stories but that is the worst.)

I do like some of his other relatives, and I am genuinesky enthusiastic to to see them.

OP, I suggest letting this go.  Maybe she just doesn’t really like you.  Thinking shout it this much isn’t helping.  Just be friendly, don’t gossip, don’t be judgy, and let it go.[/quote]

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