1 kid vs. 2 kids - how did you decide?

[Anonymous]

My sons are 3 years apart and are best friends. It was difficult for my second when his brother went away to college. They text and FaceTime every day. I sometimes wish I had a third but was too old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child and always wanted a larger family of my own. There wasn't ever a question in my mind that I'd have 2+ kids. When DD was like 1.5 she started begging us nonstop for a sibling. DS was born when she was 22 months and they've been best friends since. I really think DD never wanted to be an only child and she was meant to be the big sister. She's sensitive, empathetic and loves being a little mommy. Pregnant with #3 and I doubt DS will make as good of a big brother as DD was.

I love the baby years and the toddler years have been sweet too.

As another only, please provide a sibling. My kids are so much happier!!

I am an only and loved it growing up. I have two kids and they don’t get along at all.

Yeah, and also, it shouldn't be on the parent to "provide" a sibling. That's how you get moms with mental health issues. My mom would have been way happier with just one, objectively speaking.

Let me guess pp you are the older! I am the middle child and glad I was born.

I am, but that's why I said "objectively" - I love my brother and both he and I are glad she had two. But objectively, her mental health would have been better with one or none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child and always wanted a larger family of my own. There wasn't ever a question in my mind that I'd have 2+ kids. When DD was like 1.5 she started begging us nonstop for a sibling. DS was born when she was 22 months and they've been best friends since. I really think DD never wanted to be an only child and she was meant to be the big sister. She's sensitive, empathetic and loves being a little mommy. Pregnant with #3 and I doubt DS will make as good of a big brother as DD was.

I love the baby years and the toddler years have been sweet too.

As another only, please provide a sibling. My kids are so much happier!!

I am an only and loved it growing up. I have two kids and they don’t get along at all.

Yeah, and also, it shouldn't be on the parent to "provide" a sibling. That's how you get moms with mental health issues. My mom would have been way happier with just one, objectively speaking.

Let me guess pp you are the older! I am the middle child and glad I was born.

I'm sure you are, but unless you are anti-birth control and are popping out as many kids as possible like the Duggars, this statement is hypocritical. Nobody is obligated to have a child that hasn't been conceived because that hypothetical future person would like being alive. There is plenty of research that at a population level, mothers are happiest when they have one child. Many are happy with more. But you should only have as many children as you can raise without sacrificing your mental health and well being. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we were deciding whether to have a second, my mom was having major health issues. I'm not particularly close to my sibling, but it was so nice to have somebody else supporting my dad with me and to check in with about my mom's situation. My spouse also has a sibling who is single and has major health issues.

We wanted our kid to have somebody else to rely on in adulthood and didn't have any close friends with only children around our kid's age. It wasn't the only reason we had a second, but it tipped the scales for us.

My brother died when he was 25, so now I'm an only child. One of my closest friend's sister died when she was 12, so now my friend is an only child. I get that that's not the norm, but having another child so that your child won't be alone when they're older is silly to me.

Dp. Ypu dould also say NOT having a sibling becausr they might die is silly to me!

Totally. Or don't get into a relationship or don't get married because your partner might die.

[Anonymous]

One is fine if you are already old. Kids grow up in all kinds of situations and I’m sure you all are caring and provide for his every need. A sibling can also be a disaster… just do what you can!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we were deciding whether to have a second, my mom was having major health issues. I'm not particularly close to my sibling, but it was so nice to have somebody else supporting my dad with me and to check in with about my mom's situation. My spouse also has a sibling who is single and has major health issues.

We wanted our kid to have somebody else to rely on in adulthood and didn't have any close friends with only children around our kid's age. It wasn't the only reason we had a second, but it tipped the scales for us.

My brother died when he was 25, so now I'm an only child. One of my closest friend's sister died when she was 12, so now my friend is an only child. I get that that's not the norm, but having another child so that your child won't be alone when they're older is silly to me.

Honestly, in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, one of the reasons I wanted more than one is so that if the unspeakable happened to one of my kids, I would still have a child to mother.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, didn't read all responses, but wanted to say...

Very few people regret having their second (or third, or whatever).

That doesn't mean that they are actually better off with the additional child, because there's no way to prove a negative. And of course, all the cognitive biases at play (confirmation bias, avoidance of cognitive dissonance, etc.), and the fact that 90%+ of people deeply love all of their children.

We took a very long time to decide to have a kid, but when we did, had two kids vaguely in mind. Our kid was not extraordinarily hard as a baby or a toddler, or as she got older. There were and are challenges, and she's certainly not remotely "easy" either. But as she got closer to a year old, I started to become more and more certain I just wanted one. As she hit 2, then 3... even as things got much easier at 4 and 5, I just felt like, you know what? I know my personal limit. DH, who loves kids and could have a million of them, was on board because he wants me to be happy, and the one who wants fewer kids always wins. But it wasn't a hard line and there was no tension or anything... he was pretty sold on the fact that I was done, and we're pretty in sync. Just saying that he probably would have had more with another person.

It actually helped that we were older-- not very old, but by the time our kid was 5, we were 40 and 48. Just didn't feel up to it. But really, by then, we had years of being pretty certain we weren't having another.

There are things about having two kids that I think are really cool, so there's always going to be a bit of "what-iffing," but it's really so very little. Among other things, I have enough sensory and organizational challenges and such a non-traditional career path... it was just going to be a huge challenge. I'm certain I would have loved the kid, "made it work," etc., and had we had another within 1-3 years, we'd be in an okayish place now-- past the tantrum and into the elementary years (our kid is 8, so we'd also have a 5-7-year-old). But still, two different kids to handle? I know it's not necessarily twice the work-- though sometimes it's more than twice!-- but I'm well at my limit even now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we were deciding whether to have a second, my mom was having major health issues. I'm not particularly close to my sibling, but it was so nice to have somebody else supporting my dad with me and to check in with about my mom's situation. My spouse also has a sibling who is single and has major health issues.

We wanted our kid to have somebody else to rely on in adulthood and didn't have any close friends with only children around our kid's age. It wasn't the only reason we had a second, but it tipped the scales for us.

My brother died when he was 25, so now I'm an only child. One of my closest friend's sister died when she was 12, so now my friend is an only child. I get that that's not the norm, but having another child so that your child won't be alone when they're older is silly to me.

Honestly, in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, one of the reasons I wanted more than one is so that if the unspeakable happened to one of my kids, I would still have a child to mother.

I just posted about being one and done, and this was probably the biggest reason I did consider having another. But that in itself was a signal-- that I shouldn't. Not if that was at least half the reason I'd have a second!

Among other things, my BFF lost her sister when she was 10 and her sister was 8.

The thing that struck me was that if her parents had stopped after having my BFF, they would have exactly the same number of children they have now and not have endured that indescribable pain (which my BFF shared). I'm 100% certain they don't regret having had their second and didn't have her as a "spare" (as in "heir and a spare"). But my point is, have two kids and halve the chance you will end up with zero, but double the chance you will lose a child.

This is not to mention people I know who lost both their kids, or younger siblings that had much greater challenges than older siblings. Obviously the reverse can also be true. But the point is that it's a crapshoot.

The chances that a middle-class+ person in the USA will lose their child before their child hits 18 are very small anyway. And not terribly large as their child approaches 40. It's not a great way to make a decision, and shouldn't be a significant factor IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Honestly, in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, one of the reasons I wanted more than one is so that if the unspeakable happened to one of my kids, I would still have a child to mother.

I just posted about being one and done, and this was probably the biggest reason I did consider having another. But that in itself was a signal-- that I shouldn't. Not if that was at least half the reason I'd have a second!

Among other things, my BFF lost her sister when she was 10 and her sister was 8.

The thing that struck me was that if her parents had stopped after having my BFF, they would have exactly the same number of children they have now and not have endured that indescribable pain (which my BFF shared). I'm 100% certain they don't regret having had their second and didn't have her as a "spare" (as in "heir and a spare"). But my point is, have two kids and halve the chance you will end up with zero, but double the chance you will lose a child.

This is not to mention people I know who lost both their kids, or younger siblings that had much greater challenges than older siblings. Obviously the reverse can also be true. But the point is that it's a crapshoot.

The chances that a middle-class+ person in the USA will lose their child before their child hits 18 are very small anyway. And not terribly large as their child approaches 40. It's not a great way to make a decision, and shouldn't be a significant factor IMO.

Thank you to the 2 PPs above. I admit to the thinking behind the first pp, but also try to "talk myself down" using the points made in response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, didn't read all responses, but wanted to say...

Very few people regret having their second (or third, or whatever).

That doesn't mean that they are actually better off with the additional child, because there's no way to prove a negative. And of course, all the cognitive biases at play (confirmation bias, avoidance of cognitive dissonance, etc.), and the fact that 90%+ of people deeply love all of their children.

We took a very long time to decide to have a kid, but when we did, had two kids vaguely in mind. Our kid was not extraordinarily hard as a baby or a toddler, or as she got older. There were and are challenges, and she's certainly not remotely "easy" either. But as she got closer to a year old, I started to become more and more certain I just wanted one. As she hit 2, then 3... even as things got much easier at 4 and 5, I just felt like, you know what? I know my personal limit. DH, who loves kids and could have a million of them, was on board because he wants me to be happy, and the one who wants fewer kids always wins. But it wasn't a hard line and there was no tension or anything... he was pretty sold on the fact that I was done, and we're pretty in sync. Just saying that he probably would have had more with another person.

It actually helped that we were older-- not very old, but by the time our kid was 5, we were 40 and 48. Just didn't feel up to it. But really, by then, we had years of being pretty certain we weren't having another.

There are things about having two kids that I think are really cool, so there's always going to be a bit of "what-iffing," but it's really so very little. Among other things, I have enough sensory and organizational challenges and such a non-traditional career path... it was just going to be a huge challenge. I'm certain I would have loved the kid, "made it work," etc., and had we had another within 1-3 years, we'd be in an okayish place now-- past the tantrum and into the elementary years (our kid is 8, so we'd also have a 5-7-year-old). But still, two different kids to handle? I know it's not necessarily twice the work-- though sometimes it's more than twice!-- but I'm well at my limit even now!

But...this is exactly why you can't prove or disprove that you're better off with an only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we were deciding whether to have a second, my mom was having major health issues. I'm not particularly close to my sibling, but it was so nice to have somebody else supporting my dad with me and to check in with about my mom's situation. My spouse also has a sibling who is single and has major health issues.

We wanted our kid to have somebody else to rely on in adulthood and didn't have any close friends with only children around our kid's age. It wasn't the only reason we had a second, but it tipped the scales for us.

My brother died when he was 25, so now I'm an only child. One of my closest friend's sister died when she was 12, so now my friend is an only child. I get that that's not the norm, but having another child so that your child won't be alone when they're older is silly to me.

Dp. Ypu dould also say NOT having a sibling becausr they might die is silly to me!

That's nonsensical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, didn't read all responses, but wanted to say...

Very few people regret having their second (or third, or whatever).

That doesn't mean that they are actually better off with the additional child, because there's no way to prove a negative. And of course, all the cognitive biases at play (confirmation bias, avoidance of cognitive dissonance, etc.), and the fact that 90%+ of people deeply love all of their children.

We took a very long time to decide to have a kid, but when we did, had two kids vaguely in mind. Our kid was not extraordinarily hard as a baby or a toddler, or as she got older. There were and are challenges, and she's certainly not remotely "easy" either. But as she got closer to a year old, I started to become more and more certain I just wanted one. As she hit 2, then 3... even as things got much easier at 4 and 5, I just felt like, you know what? I know my personal limit. DH, who loves kids and could have a million of them, was on board because he wants me to be happy, and the one who wants fewer kids always wins. But it wasn't a hard line and there was no tension or anything... he was pretty sold on the fact that I was done, and we're pretty in sync. Just saying that he probably would have had more with another person.

It actually helped that we were older-- not very old, but by the time our kid was 5, we were 40 and 48. Just didn't feel up to it. But really, by then, we had years of being pretty certain we weren't having another.

There are things about having two kids that I think are really cool, so there's always going to be a bit of "what-iffing," but it's really so very little. Among other things, I have enough sensory and organizational challenges and such a non-traditional career path... it was just going to be a huge challenge. I'm certain I would have loved the kid, "made it work," etc., and had we had another within 1-3 years, we'd be in an okayish place now-- past the tantrum and into the elementary years (our kid is 8, so we'd also have a 5-7-year-old). But still, two different kids to handle? I know it's not necessarily twice the work-- though sometimes it's more than twice!-- but I'm well at my limit even now!

But...this is exactly why you can't prove or disprove that you're better off with an only.

DP. Exactly. Can't prove one way or the other, so do what feels right and don't worry about what others are doing or the path not taken. We didn't have a second not because we didn't want to, but because we eventually gave up after 4 years of secondary infertility and many miscarriages. Have gone from one camp to the other, I feel pretty confident in saying that BOTH are good paths as long as you feel confident in your decisions. There are pros and cons to both, some of which carry greater weight for some people than others. That's fine, the world needs a variety of different types of people and families in it.

For us, we knew we had one great, easy, happy, smart kid and as the years (and age gap) continued to accumulate, we realized that while we would love any second child we got (and let me tell you, we tried HARD for that second child), we were less open to the risk of a difficult kid, siblings that didn't get along, etc. So we stopped and once we did we realized how nice it is to have one. Two is the default, but if people really knew how great having just one can be, I know more people wouldn't have that second so automatically.

[Anonymous]

Don't make people if you don't really really want them. It isn't fair to them or to you.

[Anonymous]

All of my reasons for having another kid was based in fear. What if my first child needed a sibling? What if people thought two is standard? What if we’re not complete with out two?

When I realized I didn’t want another but the world was telling me I did, I found a lot peace.

[Anonymous]

When my older was 2, I wasn't thinking about a second yet, I was just trying to get a bit more sleep. When he was 2.5 I realized this parenting thing was getting easier physically and the thought crossed my mind. When he turned 3, we both thought, let's try and see what happens. In the end, they are 4 years apart and we are super happy with the age difference. There isn't much jealousy because the baby (now 2) is not really competition in any areas, they adore each other so far.

In other words, even though you may be (or think you are) getting old, I wouldn't rush with this decision. You're still in the thick of it. Try revisiting in a few months, perhaps you'll be getting a lot more sleep by then.