1 kid vs. 2 kids - how did you decide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only. Pregnant with my third, maybe will have a fourth. My BBF is an only, pregnant with her third. My DH's BFF in an only, they have two, want a third. His wife is an only, she would like four. My cousin is an only, has four.

Seeing a pattern here?

Not really though. You have a lot of friends who had parents who wanted an only and they have kids who want a lot. All of that is great. It’s not opposing sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only. Pregnant with my third, maybe will have a fourth. My BBF is an only, pregnant with her third. My DH's BFF in an only, they have two, want a third. His wife is an only, she would like four. My cousin is an only, has four.

Seeing a pattern here?

Not really though. You have a lot of friends who had parents who wanted an only and they have kids who want a lot. All of that is great. It’s not opposing sides.

Are you an only?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are very, very fortunate if you can decide how many kids you want and end up getting what you wanted.

We wanted 2. We have 1, after many years of secondary infertility and two losses, the second one ending in a hysterectomy.

Our child is incredible. I wish he had a sibling. We are not considering adoption for other personal reasons and are instead focusing on being grateful for the life we have right now.

+1. Same. It makes me sad to think people judge my child or my family because we only have one, but there’s nothing I can do about that so I just don’t dwell on it.

[Anonymous]

Having another may not be the right choice.

I have 3 but I haven’t had major challenges in terms of finding time to eat healthy, exercise, practice self care etc. I’m sure I would have had fewer if I was completely exhausted by taking care of one.

I understand that toddlers are hectic and that parenting can be stressful but it is so important to take mental and physical care of yourself. If you feel like you aren’t able to take care of yourself and that one is running you ragged I think you’ve answered your own question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently have one toddler right now who is so fun, but also a handful and very stressful for us - lack of sleep, daycare was closed due to COVID, etc.

We are getting older, so we need to decide this year whether to go for Baby #2. We do not have the luxury of time.

Right now, we are both ambivalent. And so, so tired. Exhausted. By 8pm, we collapse on the couch. Physically we are a lot less healthy since the birth of our child - a lot less sleep, eating unhealthy, lack of time to exercise, weight gain, etc.

We can afford a 2nd kid, but finances will be stretched thinner. We both work long hours in corporate jobs that require checking emails into the night.

Tell me more about:
-How you came to the conclusion to have a 2nd child
-How you came to the conclusion to just stick with 1 child
-In hindsight, are there moments when you wish you made a different decision? If so, what are those?
-Looking back, what advice would you give to yourself? What do you wish you knew at that time?

In truth, I think we feel some pressure to have a 2nd kid because "it's the right thing to do." We have other friends and family members with kids who have literally said to us "[NAME] shouldn't be an only child - that would be so sad!" There is a sense of guilt that we may be depriving our current kid a more fulfilling life with a sibling. Of course, we know deep-down this isn't true or rational: only-kids can can have extremely rich and fulfilling life experiences without a sibling.

But I hate to think that we were pressured into #2. I am content with our kid now and the fact that our child is getting easier to manage and more self-sufficient. In so many ways our baby was easy compared to other families we know, but it was also a lot more difficult in ways that pre-parent me could not have imagined.

This is a really tough decision. Thoughts?

Work on this and then decide. What is going on that one child has disrupted so much? Toddlers are work but this sounds very extreme.

[Anonymous]

Same boat here. Except I have an older child too with special medical needs and our baby sleeps through the night. I worry that we have a good rhythm handing off the baby. With another it would be much harder. I try to think long term. We have money, I think another would make our lives richer, our family richer. But it's so hard to imagine the juggle and stress when they are small and getting out of that with my sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently have one toddler right now who is so fun, but also a handful and very stressful for us - lack of sleep, daycare was closed due to COVID, etc.

We are getting older, so we need to decide this year whether to go for Baby #2. We do not have the luxury of time.

Right now, we are both ambivalent. And so, so tired. Exhausted. By 8pm, we collapse on the couch. Physically we are a lot less healthy since the birth of our child - a lot less sleep, eating unhealthy, lack of time to exercise, weight gain, etc.

We can afford a 2nd kid, but finances will be stretched thinner. We both work long hours in corporate jobs that require checking emails into the night.

Tell me more about:
-How you came to the conclusion to have a 2nd child
-How you came to the conclusion to just stick with 1 child
-In hindsight, are there moments when you wish you made a different decision? If so, what are those?
-Looking back, what advice would you give to yourself? What do you wish you knew at that time?

In truth, I think we feel some pressure to have a 2nd kid because "it's the right thing to do." We have other friends and family members with kids who have literally said to us "[NAME] shouldn't be an only child - that would be so sad!" There is a sense of guilt that we may be depriving our current kid a more fulfilling life with a sibling. Of course, we know deep-down this isn't true or rational: only-kids can can have extremely rich and fulfilling life experiences without a sibling.

But I hate to think that we were pressured into #2. I am content with our kid now and the fact that our child is getting easier to manage and more self-sufficient. In so many ways our baby was easy compared to other families we know, but it was also a lot more difficult in ways that pre-parent me could not have imagined.

This is a really tough decision. Thoughts?

Work on this and then decide. What is going on that one child has disrupted so much? Toddlers are work but this sounds very extreme.

If you are asking this then you had easy kids. My oldest was a nightmare. My youngest is the easiest baby you've ever met in comparison. Since my oldest is now 10 he manages himself, but he still will fight about dinner every night while my youngest is eating my SweetGreen salad lol.

[Anonymous]

When my son turned 2, the time seemed right. Financially, housing, etc.

But, well, nature decided for me with repeated miscarriages after my first. Followed by rounds of failed IVF. And then a failed adoption.

The failed adoption was very hard on DS -- possibly harder than for DH and me -- because he desperately wanted (and would still like) a sibling. I couldn't try again though. It is emotionally exhausting "competing" with other hopefuls for a kid.

Good news is that my only child is an amazing and wonderful person in his own right. Who knows what life would look like if the 2nd had panned out, but I am head over heels in love with my kid and happy with our little family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My only has been in the bathtub for an hour. I cleaned the kitchen and am sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and DCUM. That’s pretty much the speed of parenting a school aged only. Plenty of time to give your kid as much attention as they want, plenty of time for self care. She has BFFs and cousins. I love being able to be the best version of myself all the time.

I’ll give another vision of the evening, just for contrast…

My two kids decided to put on a before dinner performance, made “instruments,” rehearsed, and announced the songs they would play. They had stage names and composed the song with different parts for both of themselves — super cute (7 and 4). After the performance one helped in the kitchen and the other set the table. At dinner we took turns telling the highlights and lowlights of the day. They made each other laugh with some nonsense jokes only comprehensible to each other. Afterwards they sat together on the sofa while the older one read to the younger. Played ball outside and took a bath together in the bathtub. Family cuddle before lights out.

If you’re someone who enjoys peace and quiet, downtime, leisurely pace — go with one. If you like more dynamic activity, lively banter, “team” dynamic between your kids, you might prefer two. There are beautiful moments to each and each affords different kinds of intimacy. I will say, I think of stopping at 2 mainly because I like having some one on one time with each kid and with 3+ it goes much more towards the dynamism and liveliness and away from the quiet and calm.

Ok now each of you tell us what a bad night looks like.

PP with two here. So a “bad” evening — before dinner both of them want to play on the piano at the same time, one shoves the other and the one who was shoved screams and runs to their room. We end up calling both of them to sit down together. Both take turns saying what happened from their perspective — then we ask if they have anything they want to respond to each other. They apologize in a heartfelt way and hug each other. We brainstorm what each could have done differently. We are all hangry by this point and hurry to get dinner on the table. That’s sibling conflict for you, maybe more than some want to deal with but there are a lot of opportunities here for exploring your own feelings and working things out with another person. A lot more give and take, sharing attention, sharing resources, etc. Either you take that as a chance to practice skills or it seems stressful, I guess.

Another example of things that happen with two that won’t with one — one has a lesson at dinner time, parents split up and one has dinner at home while the other takes them to the lesson. Later on they take showers at different times so we trade off bath duty, bedtime reading, and clean up for dinner. One wants to read about sharks and the other doesn’t want to. One wants to wrestle but the other isn’t in the mood. This isn’t “bad” per se but there’s more to juggle, more going on, more dynamics to negotiate with two. More times than not they get along amazingly well and play together in a way that has been very heartwarming — especially the past year. I love seeing them grow up together and knowing that they are making that bond and having memories together.

[Anonymous]

OP if you're still reading - we were very very similar to you. We assumed we'd have two kids because we both have siblings and that's what people do - have two kids. But after #1, we never got that urge again. We were absolutely sure we wanted #1, and we were waiting to feel that way for #2. And waiting and waiting. I agree with writing down pros and cons, but the fact that you ARE using a list to make your decision demonstrates that you are not really committed to that second child. If you truly wanted #2, you wouldn't need a list to convince yourself. Really, the list makes you feel better about your choice to stop at #1 (and you shouldn't feel like you need to justify it but here we are).

We too felt societal pressure to have a second child. I hear plenty people say "but #1 will have a playmate!". But that's not a good reason to have a baby. There are no guarantees.

I also hear a lot of people say "they can share the responsibility of caring for you when you're old." I think that's also not a good reason to have a baby. "Hi #2, we had you so that #1 could share the burden of wiping our old butts." There's a generational change going on right now, and I hope that my child will not have the burden of caring for us when we're old. We will make our own plans and not rely on moving in with our child when we're old.

And FWIW, I rarely see siblings who evenly and happily split elder care. Usually it's all dumped on one person and there's a metric ton of resentment spread all around. My dad's cousin is an only and was the sole decision maker for the care of her father, and it went swimmingly. Her husband was super supportive in all ways. No drama, no fuss.

[Anonymous]

We were similarly exhausted with our first one (had him at 40 through IVF, challenging personality, terrible sleeper), so much so that we would quake at even the thought of having a 2nd. Then surprise, conceived the 2nd one by accident at 42. The first year after DS2 was born was hard, but it's been better each year. Now at 7 and 4 they entertain each other, cheer each other up, and learn to share and navigate life together. Since H and I are both older when we had our first kid, it's nice knowing they'll have each other after we are gone.

[Anonymous]

We wanted two but were only able to have one. While we mourn the child that we were never able to have, objectively I can see that my 7 year old is better off. She spends a lot of time with cousins and friends she's "known" since infancy, so plenty of opportunity to learn to share attention and conflict resolution, but then can go home and avoid the bickering and jealousy I see many of her friends dealing with and getting stressed over. I would say that you have to parent an only more intentionally (i.e., giving them opportunities to practice the skills that kids with siblings get naturally), but I also think parents of multiple have to parent more intentionally in other ways. I know too many kids that have internalized greediness and argumentativeness from siblings, which is something I just don't see at all amongst the only children I know. So pick your poison.

I also just lost a parent and feel entirely confident that a sibling does not make things easier for elder care. My sister was actively engaged and helpful, but it frankly would have been easier to handle it on my own without having to negotiate someone else's emotions. And between me and 3 close friends that have lost a parent, only one friend really leaned on her siblings for support. The rest processed the emotions differently from their sibling or just didn't have an emotionally close relationship to begin with.

We still would have had a second child if we were able, but having parented an only child for 7 years now, I can see that a lot of the reasons people give for needing or wanting to give your child a sibling just don't hold water. If you want a second child because you want to parent a second child, then go for it. If you want a second child because you think you should have one, then don't. You child has as good of a chance at turning out perfectly happy or completely miserable either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are very, very fortunate if you can decide how many kids you want and end up getting what you wanted.

We wanted 2. We have 1, after many years of secondary infertility and two losses, the second one ending in a hysterectomy.

Our child is incredible. I wish he had a sibling. We are not considering adoption for other personal reasons and are instead focusing on being grateful for the life we have right now.

Yes, the easy cruelty of parents of multiple children towards parents of singletons never ceases to amaze me. Be grateful, not smug. Many people don’t get to choose the size of their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are very, very fortunate if you can decide how many kids you want and end up getting what you wanted.

We wanted 2. We have 1, after many years of secondary infertility and two losses, the second one ending in a hysterectomy.

Our child is incredible. I wish he had a sibling. We are not considering adoption for other personal reasons and are instead focusing on being grateful for the life we have right now.

Yes, the easy cruelty of parents of multiple children towards parents of singletons never ceases to amaze me. Be grateful, not smug. Many people don’t get to choose the size of their family.

To add to, how many kids one family has is none of other people’s business. Of course in the aggregate we care about society economy, overpopulation etc. but at the individual level people should myob and not make someone feel bad because they had a certain number of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only. Pregnant with my third, maybe will have a fourth. My BBF is an only, pregnant with her third. My DH's BFF in an only, they have two, want a third. His wife is an only, she would like four. My cousin is an only, has four.

Seeing a pattern here?

Yes. They only had to parent one kid and they got a bunch of grandkids. Well played.