1 kid vs. 2 kids - how did you decide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My only has been in the bathtub for an hour. I cleaned the kitchen and am sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and DCUM. That’s pretty much the speed of parenting a school aged only. Plenty of time to give your kid as much attention as they want, plenty of time for self care. She has BFFs and cousins. I love being able to be the best version of myself all the time.

Okay. It's best to stop at one if your parenting style is to avoid your kid.

Oh no, she came home from school, we made dinner together, read for an hour, she took her bath, then we did bedtime. That’s what you’re not seeing - there’s enough time to do it all when you’re not splitting your time. Do kids need undivided time? Of course not. But it’s nice that there’s time left over for you at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is fine with zero child, but I want 2 kids. It is really tiring to have 2 kids, and I know DH misses no child life. But I am happy with 2 kids knowing that they will have each other growing up, and they are related by blood. It is really interesting to see that they look so alike even though they are different gender.

Sounds boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only has been in the bathtub for an hour. I cleaned the kitchen and am sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and DCUM. That’s pretty much the speed of parenting a school aged only. Plenty of time to give your kid as much attention as they want, plenty of time for self care. She has BFFs and cousins. I love being able to be the best version of myself all the time.

I’ll give another vision of the evening, just for contrast…

My two kids decided to put on a before dinner performance, made “instruments,” rehearsed, and announced the songs they would play. They had stage names and composed the song with different parts for both of themselves — super cute (7 and 4). After the performance one helped in the kitchen and the other set the table. At dinner we took turns telling the highlights and lowlights of the day. They made each other laugh with some nonsense jokes only comprehensible to each other. Afterwards they sat together on the sofa while the older one read to the younger. Played ball outside and took a bath together in the bathtub. Family cuddle before lights out.

If you’re someone who enjoys peace and quiet, downtime, leisurely pace — go with one. If you like more dynamic activity, lively banter, “team” dynamic between your kids, you might prefer two. There are beautiful moments to each and each affords different kinds of intimacy. I will say, I think of stopping at 2 mainly because I like having some one on one time with each kid and with 3+ it goes much more towards the dynamism and liveliness and away from the quiet and calm.

[Anonymous]

I just always felt in my heart that I wanted to have two children I think my husband and I both came from two children households so that felt right for us. I had multiple miscarriages and wasn't sure if I would actually be able to conceive a second child. I just tried to be at peace with either outcome but ultimately I was able to conceive and carry another child term and I just feel so much joy and gratitude that we have another child to love. Two kids certainly makes life more complicated and there's a lot more divide and conquer but I also see the love that my daughter has for her brother. Life is more complicated but also and it is so good to be a family of four.

[Anonymous]

This is so personal so I think everyone’s answer will be different.

In my case, I felt a deep yearning for another child right after I had both my first and second. After my third I didn’t have this feeling. We are still considering a 4th but, while I am open to it, I don’t have that intense longing that I did before.

From what you’ve written it sounds like you may not want a second. If you are already exhausted by one, two may not be the best choice for you.

[Anonymous]

Thing I would say is that we had a second child because we wanted to have a second child. I really didn't do it for my oldest. Right now she and her brother adore each other but who knows what kind of relationship they'll have in 5 or 10 or 20 or 30 years. I hope they will continue to be close and loving but who knows?

[Anonymous]

I remember when my first was about two, a lot of my friends were pregnant with their second and I was just sort of feeling that pressure to have my second child. And I just absolutely did not feel ready to have a second child. I'm glad that I waited until I felt ready. I had miscarriages and a lot of heartbreak I'm glad I waited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My only has been in the bathtub for an hour. I cleaned the kitchen and am sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and DCUM. That’s pretty much the speed of parenting a school aged only. Plenty of time to give your kid as much attention as they want, plenty of time for self care. She has BFFs and cousins. I love being able to be the best version of myself all the time.

I’ll give another vision of the evening, just for contrast…

My two kids decided to put on a before dinner performance, made “instruments,” rehearsed, and announced the songs they would play. They had stage names and composed the song with different parts for both of themselves — super cute (7 and 4). After the performance one helped in the kitchen and the other set the table. At dinner we took turns telling the highlights and lowlights of the day. They made each other laugh with some nonsense jokes only comprehensible to each other. Afterwards they sat together on the sofa while the older one read to the younger. Played ball outside and took a bath together in the bathtub. Family cuddle before lights out.

If you’re someone who enjoys peace and quiet, downtime, leisurely pace — go with one. If you like more dynamic activity, lively banter, “team” dynamic between your kids, you might prefer two. There are beautiful moments to each and each affords different kinds of intimacy. I will say, I think of stopping at 2 mainly because I like having some one on one time with each kid and with 3+ it goes much more towards the dynamism and liveliness and away from the quiet and calm.

I am an only and I have two. Both of these descriptions resonate and are lovely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My only has been in the bathtub for an hour. I cleaned the kitchen and am sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and DCUM. That’s pretty much the speed of parenting a school aged only. Plenty of time to give your kid as much attention as they want, plenty of time for self care. She has BFFs and cousins. I love being able to be the best version of myself all the time.

I’ll give another vision of the evening, just for contrast…

My two kids decided to put on a before dinner performance, made “instruments,” rehearsed, and announced the songs they would play. They had stage names and composed the song with different parts for both of themselves — super cute (7 and 4). After the performance one helped in the kitchen and the other set the table. At dinner we took turns telling the highlights and lowlights of the day. They made each other laugh with some nonsense jokes only comprehensible to each other. Afterwards they sat together on the sofa while the older one read to the younger. Played ball outside and took a bath together in the bathtub. Family cuddle before lights out.

If you’re someone who enjoys peace and quiet, downtime, leisurely pace — go with one. If you like more dynamic activity, lively banter, “team” dynamic between your kids, you might prefer two. There are beautiful moments to each and each affords different kinds of intimacy. I will say, I think of stopping at 2 mainly because I like having some one on one time with each kid and with 3+ it goes much more towards the dynamism and liveliness and away from the quiet and calm.

Ok now each of you tell us what a bad night looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My only has been in the bathtub for an hour. I cleaned the kitchen and am sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and DCUM. That’s pretty much the speed of parenting a school aged only. Plenty of time to give your kid as much attention as they want, plenty of time for self care. She has BFFs and cousins. I love being able to be the best version of myself all the time.

I’ll give another vision of the evening, just for contrast…

My two kids decided to put on a before dinner performance, made “instruments,” rehearsed, and announced the songs they would play. They had stage names and composed the song with different parts for both of themselves — super cute (7 and 4). After the performance one helped in the kitchen and the other set the table. At dinner we took turns telling the highlights and lowlights of the day. They made each other laugh with some nonsense jokes only comprehensible to each other. Afterwards they sat together on the sofa while the older one read to the younger. Played ball outside and took a bath together in the bathtub. Family cuddle before lights out.

If you’re someone who enjoys peace and quiet, downtime, leisurely pace — go with one. If you like more dynamic activity, lively banter, “team” dynamic between your kids, you might prefer two. There are beautiful moments to each and each affords different kinds of intimacy. I will say, I think of stopping at 2 mainly because I like having some one on one time with each kid and with 3+ it goes much more towards the dynamism and liveliness and away from the quiet and calm.

Ok now each of you tell us what a bad night looks like.

Mom of the only here. TBH we don't have many bad nights. I fully admit that we have an easy, even tempered kid and truly not trying to humble brag. When she's upset she likes space, so she goes to her room to cool down, then comes down and apologizes (then waits for my apology). Usually we've all been a bit of a jerk so there's something for each of us to apologize for. That happens once every few months probably?

[Anonymous]

I think many decide to stick with one because the highs can be just as high and the lows are not as low. We all know what having a kid up all night with a stomach bug is like. Now multiply by two. Parents of onlies don’t have to be in the trenches for as long and when difficult nights come up it’s easier without another kid to worry about. We can all imagine how good it could be if you had kids who got along and did a performance for you for dinner etc. We also know that is not every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have the answer for you - I've always known I wanted a big family, so I'm pregnant with my second and we'll (almost) definitely have a third, maybe a fourth.

BUT - whether you decide to have a second or not, I think you really aught to work on the sleep thing. We started trying for #2 when the first was six months old (they'll be 19 months apart) and I felt great about it - but I can't even imagine starting to think about another kid if I wasn't getting enough sleep. Everything is harder when you're tired - parenting, making decisions, figuring out what you want. I think if you could get to a place where you were getting enough sleep, you'd have a lot more clarity - either you'd be like "yup, now that I am no longer exhausted, I'm up for a second" or "nope, now that I can see straight, I can see that one and done is the right path for us." Plus, as you noted, it's effecting your overall health and happiness.

So - what are your blockers? Your kid is two - is he not sleeping through the night? Is he up super early? Too much housework? Too many hours of paid work? Imbalance between parents (unlikely since you say you're BOTH exhausted)? A kid who can't play independently? These things can almost always been addressed - I'd honestly start there. Take a month or two and see if you can't figure out a way to both be getting 8 hours a night, or at least that much averaged throughout the week.

+1. Same. Have a 2 year old. Due in 4 months with # 2 and husband and I want a third. My husband and I both work full-time, so we're stopping at 3. I would say maybe wait 6 months, focus on addressable issues (the person above pointed out a bunch) and see if it's manageable. No matter what, you will manage with 2 kids. You will find a way. I think your question is "Will we be happier with 2 kids. Do we want actually 2 children."

[Anonymous]

I was an only child to older parents and now that they’re getting up there in age, it’s really stressful to me that I’m going to have almost no remaining family. Both my parents have siblings who never had kids, so I have no cousins. My aunts and uncles are all deceased or very old.

Therefore I made sure DH knew I would never want an only child. We are expecting #3 now. I love big families and we are close with DH’s extended family (brother, cousins, nieces and nephews, etc.). I love a packed house on Thanksgiving. It’s just so different than my very quiet childhood.

BUT, this is SO personal to *me* and likely not your life experience. I’m only answering because you asked how people made the decision. For me it was wanting to give my kids that big, loud, fun family experience I didn’t have. However, I also know people with siblings who are estranged from them or just don’t have a great relationship for whatever reason. It’s a gamble I suppose like anything.

I will say, parenting during the pandemic has been a million times harder than just normal parenting. And I felt like adding more kids didn’t double and triple the workload because we were already doing the whole life with a small child thing. I thought going from 0 to 1 was the biggest shock.

[Anonymous]

You are very, very fortunate if you can decide how many kids you want and end up getting what you wanted.

We wanted 2. We have 1, after many years of secondary infertility and two losses, the second one ending in a hysterectomy.

Our child is incredible. I wish he had a sibling. We are not considering adoption for other personal reasons and are instead focusing on being grateful for the life we have right now.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only. Pregnant with my third, maybe will have a fourth. My BBF is an only, pregnant with her third. My DH's BFF in an only, they have two, want a third. His wife is an only, she would like four. My cousin is an only, has four.

Seeing a pattern here?