Reply to 1 kid vs. 2 kids - how did you decide?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sorry, didn't read all responses, but wanted to say...

[b]Very few people regret having their second (or third, or whatever).

That doesn't mean that they are actually better off with the additional child, because there's no way to prove a negative. And of course, all the cognitive biases at play (confirmation bias, avoidance of cognitive dissonance, etc.), and the fact that 90%+ of people deeply love all of their children. [/b]

We took a very long time to decide to have a kid, but when we did, had two kids vaguely in mind. Our kid was not extraordinarily hard as a baby or a toddler, or as she got older. There were and are challenges, and she's certainly not remotely "easy" either. But as she got closer to a year old, I started to become more and more certain I just wanted one. As she hit 2, then 3... even as things got much easier at 4 and 5, I just felt like, you know what? I know my personal limit. DH, who loves kids and could have a million of them, was on board because he wants me to be happy, and the one who wants fewer kids always wins. But it wasn't a hard line and there was no tension or anything... he was pretty sold on the fact that I was done, and we're pretty in sync. Just saying that he probably would have had more with another person.

It actually helped that we were older-- not very old, but by the time our kid was 5, we were 40 and 48. Just didn't feel up to it. But really, by then, we had years of being pretty certain we weren't having another.

There are things about having two kids that I think are really cool, so there's always going to be a bit of "what-iffing," but it's really so very little. Among other things, I have enough sensory and organizational challenges and such a non-traditional career path... it was just going to be a huge challenge. I'm certain I would have loved the kid, "made it work," etc., and had we had another within 1-3 years, we'd be in an okayish place now-- past the tantrum and into the elementary years (our kid is 8, so we'd also have a 5-7-year-old). But still, two different kids to handle? I know it's not necessarily twice the work-- though sometimes it's more than twice!-- but I'm well at my limit even now!   [/quote]

But...this is exactly why you can't prove or disprove that you're better off with an only. [/quote]

DP. Exactly. Can't prove one way or the other, so do what feels right and don't worry about what others are doing or the path not taken. We didn't have a second not because we didn't want to, but because we eventually gave up after 4 years of secondary infertility and many miscarriages. Have gone from one camp to the other, I feel pretty confident in saying that BOTH are good paths as long as you feel confident in your decisions. There are pros and cons to both, some of which carry greater weight for some people than others. That's fine, the world needs a variety of different types of people and families in it.

For us, we knew we had one great, easy, happy, smart kid and as the years (and age gap) continued to accumulate, we realized that while we would love any second child we got (and let me tell you, we tried HARD for that second child), we were less open to the risk of a difficult kid, siblings that didn't get along, etc. So we stopped and once we did we realized how nice it is to have one. Two is the default, but if people really knew how great having just one can be, I know more people wouldn't have that second so automatically.[/quote]

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