1 kid vs. 2 kids - how did you decide?

[Anonymous]

Currently have one toddler right now who is so fun, but also a handful and very stressful for us - lack of sleep, daycare was closed due to COVID, etc.

We are getting older, so we need to decide this year whether to go for Baby #2. We do not have the luxury of time.

Right now, we are both ambivalent. And so, so tired. Exhausted. By 8pm, we collapse on the couch. Physically we are a lot less healthy since the birth of our child - a lot less sleep, eating unhealthy, lack of time to exercise, weight gain, etc.

We can afford a 2nd kid, but finances will be stretched thinner. We both work long hours in corporate jobs that require checking emails into the night.

Tell me more about:
-How you came to the conclusion to have a 2nd child
-How you came to the conclusion to just stick with 1 child
-In hindsight, are there moments when you wish you made a different decision? If so, what are those?
-Looking back, what advice would you give to yourself? What do you wish you knew at that time?

In truth, I think we feel some pressure to have a 2nd kid because "it's the right thing to do." We have other friends and family members with kids who have literally said to us "[NAME] shouldn't be an only child - that would be so sad!" There is a sense of guilt that we may be depriving our current kid a more fulfilling life with a sibling. Of course, we know deep-down this isn't true or rational: only-kids can can have extremely rich and fulfilling life experiences without a sibling.

But I hate to think that we were pressured into #2. I am content with our kid now and the fact that our child is getting easier to manage and more self-sufficient. In so many ways our baby was easy compared to other families we know, but it was also a lot more difficult in ways that pre-parent me could not have imagined.

This is a really tough decision. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

We sat down and mapped out pros and cons..
We looked at what life would be like with one kid VS two.
We thought about what we wanted to do with our lives as a family and if it would be possible with two.
It wasn't just a matter of "can we afford two" (yes) but could we afford two and the lives we envisioned for our family.

Its been 8 years since we made our decision and neither DH nor I have any regrets.

[Anonymous]

I don't have the answer for you - I've always known I wanted a big family, so I'm pregnant with my second and we'll (almost) definitely have a third, maybe a fourth.

BUT - whether you decide to have a second or not, I think you really aught to work on the sleep thing. We started trying for #2 when the first was six months old (they'll be 19 months apart) and I felt great about it - but I can't even imagine starting to think about another kid if I wasn't getting enough sleep. Everything is harder when you're tired - parenting, making decisions, figuring out what you want. I think if you could get to a place where you were getting enough sleep, you'd have a lot more clarity - either you'd be like "yup, now that I am no longer exhausted, I'm up for a second" or "nope, now that I can see straight, I can see that one and done is the right path for us." Plus, as you noted, it's effecting your overall health and happiness.

So - what are your blockers? Your kid is two - is he not sleeping through the night? Is he up super early? Too much housework? Too many hours of paid work? Imbalance between parents (unlikely since you say you're BOTH exhausted)? A kid who can't play independently? These things can almost always been addressed - I'd honestly start there. Take a month or two and see if you can't figure out a way to both be getting 8 hours a night, or at least that much averaged throughout the week.

[Anonymous]

When we were deciding whether to have a second, my mom was having major health issues. I'm not particularly close to my sibling, but it was so nice to have somebody else supporting my dad with me and to check in with about my mom's situation. My spouse also has a sibling who is single and has major health issues.

We wanted our kid to have somebody else to rely on in adulthood and didn't have any close friends with only children around our kid's age. It wasn't the only reason we had a second, but it tipped the scales for us.

[Anonymous]

From your post, it feels like you are leaning towards no OP except that you are feeling societal pressure to have another.

With each child, you never know how things will go. Will the child be special needs? Will it be a rough pregnancy? Can our marriage survive another 2-3 years of babydom? Will one of us need to quit our jobs or cut back on hours? Will we have multiples (this was us)?
If you are not ok with any and all scenarios stop at 1.

[Anonymous]

Similar to the first responding poster we mapped out the pros and cons of each decision and the list of pros to stick with our one child far outweighed the pros of two. It’s been 11 years since we made our decision and we have a delightful teenage daughter. Not even a single regret. Sometimes a wistful imagining of what a second child would’ve been like but nothing that would qualify as regret. Our finances are stable, my husband was able to take a job that doesn’t pay well but that he really enjoys, we are on track for a well funded and earlyish retirement, and we are able to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and socially, while also being good parents.

There is time for ourselves, each other, and our child. Plus we like to be the parents who don’t mind picking up another child to come along with us or hosting sleepovers etc. frankly I never really understood the appeal of two children although I felt the pole similar to what you are describing. I think our biology is pretty intense and tells us to have multiple children. I feel like I get to have the best of all worlds with one child, the great life of my self and my spouse and to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your post, it feels like you are leaning towards no OP except that you are feeling societal pressure to have another.

With each child, you never know how things will go. Will the child be special needs? Will it be a rough pregnancy? Can our marriage survive another 2-3 years of babydom? Will one of us need to quit our jobs or cut back on hours? Will we have multiples (this was us)?
If you are not ok with any and all scenarios stop at 1.

This was us. We wanted a second for sure, and maybe, theoretically, depending on how things shook out - maybe a third. Had twins. So yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have the answer for you - I've always known I wanted a big family, so I'm pregnant with my second and we'll (almost) definitely have a third, maybe a fourth.

BUT - whether you decide to have a second or not, I think you really aught to work on the sleep thing. We started trying for #2 when the first was six months old (they'll be 19 months apart) and I felt great about it - but I can't even imagine starting to think about another kid if I wasn't getting enough sleep. Everything is harder when you're tired - parenting, making decisions, figuring out what you want. I think if you could get to a place where you were getting enough sleep, you'd have a lot more clarity - either you'd be like "yup, now that I am no longer exhausted, I'm up for a second" or "nope, now that I can see straight, I can see that one and done is the right path for us." Plus, as you noted, it's effecting your overall health and happiness.

So - what are your blockers? Your kid is two - is he not sleeping through the night? Is he up super early? Too much housework? Too many hours of paid work? Imbalance between parents (unlikely since you say you're BOTH exhausted)? A kid who can't play independently? These things can almost always been addressed - I'd honestly start there. Take a month or two and see if you can't figure out a way to both be getting 8 hours a night, or at least that much averaged throughout the week.

I agree with this PP. You shouldn't have to be so tired with 1 kid. There's nothing wrong with stopping at one (I'm an only child myself!) but if this is the barrier, I would look at your lifestyle overall and see if there are changes that might be worth making.

We have two our jobs/hours help make it somewhat manageable.

[Anonymous]

I decided to have a second child and then had twins. So I had 3 under 3 for a while. It was absolutely stressful, exhausting, you name it. However, once I had a 5-year old and two 3-year olds, things got a lot more fun. The time passes really quickly. Now I have a 12-year-old and two 10-year olds and they are the best. We can take bike trips as a family, they cook, we all play board games, it is really so much fun to have those kids.

I guess my point is that they will be babies a toddlers for a very short time. Most of the time you will have the company of these unique young humans who will add so much to your life. So when you making the decision, don't focus on the baby years only.

[Anonymous]

We aren't a big "if it's meant to be" kind of family, but we tried and ended up with a second girl. In hindsight, I can't imagine our family without her. We would have been a quiet family of 3 and it would have been fine, but she makes us all more fun.

[Anonymous]

It is/was hard. I am 41 now and barring a change of heart in the next year or two (and a BIG change of heart since having another kid in my early 40s is no joke) we are stopping with 1.

I agree with the pros/cons lists. Writing it out really helps. Especially because it's an emotional choice and it helps to put the emotions down on paper and really look at them.

For me, one of the biggest pros of sticking with one is being able to focus time, energy, and resources on one child. When you write out what this means, you realize this is bigger than it sounds when you just say it out loud. Like there are dozens of things related to this. We can travel more with one kid because it's less expensive AND we don't have to accommodate two different ages or wait for a younger child to be old enough for certain things. We also basically never have to say "no" to worthwhile activities for our kid because we only have to figure out how to afford it for one kid. Even when you have to budget with one kid (which we do, we are not rich) it's so much easier to budget for one kid. We've also talked about things like spending a summer living abroad when my DH hits retirement age in his job. We could do that with two, but it is more likely to happen with one (easier to time, fewer education/activity considerations). When I add it all up, there are just a ton of practical considerations that are easier with one kid, and allow us to live the kind of life we want.

Another big factor for me, personally, is that I like being a really well rounded person. I have my work life, I am a mom, I'm a spouse, but I also have some interests and hobbies that help to balance me out and make me feel like I'm making the most of my life. When you say "what about my hobbies?" it sounds selfish. But really -- what about them? I don't want to give up some of my interests so that I can turn into a work/childcare machine. As much as I love my kid, I also love myself and part of being a parent is showing her what that means by investing time in myself and not just sacrificing all my time to making money and taking care of others. I think parenting is a really worthwhile vocation, but people also need breaks and other interests. That's harder with two.

But I love my kid and sometimes desperately want another. I think if we were independently wealthy, we would have had two, no question. But we are not, so we had to make some choices. Having one allows us to maximize the rest of the life in ways that benefit all of us. Having another means less of everything for everyone. Not just money, but everything -- time, bandwidth, space. That's the tipping point for me. There are tough things about having an only -- we have to be proactive about making sure she has friends, we'll probably need to invite her friends on travel sometimes, etc. But in the end, the scales so clearly tip in that direction for our specific family.

There is no right choice. It's just a weighing of options and then making the most of whatever you choose.

[Anonymous]

I was an only child and always wanted a larger family of my own. There wasn't ever a question in my mind that I'd have 2+ kids. When DD was like 1.5 she started begging us nonstop for a sibling. DS was born when she was 22 months and they've been best friends since. I really think DD never wanted to be an only child and she was meant to be the big sister. She's sensitive, empathetic and loves being a little mommy. Pregnant with #3 and I doubt DS will make as good of a big brother as DD was.

I love the baby years and the toddler years have been sweet too.

[Anonymous]

1. #1 was so easy, I thought we could easily handle a second. If #1 was a hard child to manage, I don't think we would've had #2

2. Our finances were fine. If it hadn't been, we would not have gone for #2. Full stop.

3. Both DH and I have multiple siblings, and though we are spread out around the world (3 diff. continents), it's nice to know that we have siblings out there. I wanted #1 to not feel alone, especially after we pass.

DH was on the fence about #2, but when I asked him how he would feel if he did not have siblings (whom he hardly sees but still likes that he has siblings), he said it would feel alone.

Along those lines, kids play with each other. I realize that it could have gone the other way ( a lot of fighting), but they have a great relationship. They are teens now and still get on pretty well. Both are caring of each other, in a sibling sort of way.

4. related to #3 when parents health started to decline it was great to have a support system within our family. We would tag team with siblings, and talk to each other about medical advice for our parents, etc...

I would not want to burden my one child with the sole responsibility of checking on their elderly parents. We are financially secure, but that won't replace a loved one caring about you in your old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is/was hard. I am 41 now and barring a change of heart in the next year or two (and a BIG change of heart since having another kid in my early 40s is no joke) we are stopping with 1.

I agree with the pros/cons lists. Writing it out really helps. Especially because it's an emotional choice and it helps to put the emotions down on paper and really look at them.

For me, one of the biggest pros of sticking with one is being able to focus time, energy, and resources on one child. When you write out what this means, you realize this is bigger than it sounds when you just say it out loud. Like there are dozens of things related to this. We can travel more with one kid because it's less expensive AND we don't have to accommodate two different ages or wait for a younger child to be old enough for certain things. We also basically never have to say "no" to worthwhile activities for our kid because we only have to figure out how to afford it for one kid. Even when you have to budget with one kid (which we do, we are not rich) it's so much easier to budget for one kid. We've also talked about things like spending a summer living abroad when my DH hits retirement age in his job. We could do that with two, but it is more likely to happen with one (easier to time, fewer education/activity considerations). When I add it all up, there are just a ton of practical considerations that are easier with one kid, and allow us to live the kind of life we want.

Another big factor for me, personally, is that I like being a really well rounded person. I have my work life, I am a mom, I'm a spouse, but I also have some interests and hobbies that help to balance me out and make me feel like I'm making the most of my life. When you say "what about my hobbies?" it sounds selfish. But really -- what about them? I don't want to give up some of my interests so that I can turn into a work/childcare machine. As much as I love my kid, I also love myself and part of being a parent is showing her what that means by investing time in myself and not just sacrificing all my time to making money and taking care of others. I think parenting is a really worthwhile vocation, but people also need breaks and other interests. That's harder with two.

But I love my kid and sometimes desperately want another. I think if we were independently wealthy, we would have had two, no question. But we are not, so we had to make some choices. Having one allows us to maximize the rest of the life in ways that benefit all of us. Having another means less of everything for everyone. Not just money, but everything -- time, bandwidth, space. That's the tipping point for me. There are tough things about having an only -- we have to be proactive about making sure she has friends, we'll probably need to invite her friends on travel sometimes, etc. But in the end, the scales so clearly tip in that direction for our specific family.

There is no right choice. It's just a weighing of options and then making the most of whatever you choose.

OP here: thanks for this. We are of a similar age and income. We will work on the pros/cons in the coming weeks. We've talked around the pros/cons before, but never put them down on paper in a comprehensive list. I think this is a good first step to get brains organized and better positioned to make a decision.

Lots to think about!

[Anonymous]

Both my spouse and I have one sibling, so I think we both liked the idea of having 2 kids. That being said, our kids are 4 years apart because I was way too tired to have our kids spaced closer together. It took me about 3 years to feel physically ready to get pregnant again and go through that entire cycle again.