1 kid vs. 2 kids - how did you decide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we were deciding whether to have a second, my mom was having major health issues. I'm not particularly close to my sibling, but it was so nice to have somebody else supporting my dad with me and to check in with about my mom's situation. My spouse also has a sibling who is single and has major health issues.

We wanted our kid to have somebody else to rely on in adulthood and didn't have any close friends with only children around our kid's age. It wasn't the only reason we had a second, but it tipped the scales for us.

My brother died when he was 25, so now I'm an only child. One of my closest friend's sister died when she was 12, so now my friend is an only child. I get that that's not the norm, but having another child so that your child won't be alone when they're older is silly to me.

[Anonymous]

For us to have a second would be to give up doing all the things we like. I like living in an apartment, I like not having a car, I like international vacations, especially with 3 out of 4 grandparents living abroad, I like being able to pay for whatever activities we want for our kid. I also know I would love the second kid to bits, but we weren't willing to give up what we like about life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently have one toddler right now who is so fun, but also a handful and very stressful for us - lack of sleep, daycare was closed due to COVID, etc.

We are getting older, so we need to decide this year whether to go for Baby #2. We do not have the luxury of time.

Right now, we are both ambivalent. And so, so tired. Exhausted. By 8pm, we collapse on the couch. Physically we are a lot less healthy since the birth of our child - a lot less sleep, eating unhealthy, lack of time to exercise, weight gain, etc.

We can afford a 2nd kid, but finances will be stretched thinner. We both work long hours in corporate jobs that require checking emails into the night.

Tell me more about:
-How you came to the conclusion to have a 2nd child
-How you came to the conclusion to just stick with 1 child
-In hindsight, are there moments when you wish you made a different decision? If so, what are those?
-Looking back, what advice would you give to yourself? What do you wish you knew at that time?

In truth, I think we feel some pressure to have a 2nd kid because "it's the right thing to do." We have other friends and family members with kids who have literally said to us "[NAME] shouldn't be an only child - that would be so sad!" There is a sense of guilt that we may be depriving our current kid a more fulfilling life with a sibling. Of course, we know deep-down this isn't true or rational: only-kids can can have extremely rich and fulfilling life experiences without a sibling.

But I hate to think that we were pressured into #2. I am content with our kid now and the fact that our child is getting easier to manage and more self-sufficient. In so many ways our baby was easy compared to other families we know, but it was also a lot more difficult in ways that pre-parent me could not have imagined.

This is a really tough decision. Thoughts?

If you're ambivalent, you shouldn't have more kids. And you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You'll have to get a pretty thick skin (and maybe a sassy remark) if people continue to make rude comments.

I always hoped for two or three kids, and we have three. In my heart, I wouldn't have wanted to stop at one. I'm happy to have been this lucky.

The only thing I would add is that I was a bit of a mess with my first child: anxious and lonely. I probably had PPD, though I didn't know it. Everything went better with my second and third kids. I was more confident and in the zone, and it was great to see the kids develop relationships with each other. I wouldn't have done anything differently.

[Anonymous]

We had a lot of trouble conceiving our first so when she was born I felt immensely grateful and more or less assumed we'd be one and done. It wasn't my initial vision but a conclusion I had really come around to being happy with, and I could really picture our lives as a family of 3. But DH and I never actively tried to prevent a 2nd pregnancy, and I did end up getting pregnant again and my kids are 2.5 years apart. We're incredibly happy as a family of 4 and I feel like things are actually easier for us with 2 kids over 1, since they play together now. Having 2 vs 1 doesn't seem much harder to navigate the world. But we chose not to have a 3rd because it felt like it would probably tip the balance for us from manageable and fun to more stressful (but probably still fun... just not what we wanted to take on).

[Anonymous]

When my first was a baby, easy and happy, we "decided" that we would have 3. Then she became a toddler...
Our family still just didn't feel complete. We knew we wanted a second. I looked forward to it and was excited about it, even though I was nervous about going through the sleeplessness and feeding struggles, etc. again.
Once the second was born, we just felt complete. Now, when I contemplate having a third, I'm not excited about it and only see the downsides. So we're stopping at 2.
Not sure if that helps, but I'd trust your gut.

[Anonymous]

Tell me more about:
-How you came to the conclusion to have a 2nd child
-How you came to the conclusion to just stick with 1 child
-In hindsight, are there moments when you wish you made a different decision? If so, what are those?
-Looking back, what advice would you give to yourself? What do you wish you knew at that time?

I decided to stop at 1. She's 19 months old now, and I have a copper IUD (so, set-and-forget birth control but no permanent sterilization). Despite her young age, I know the decision is final.

I was on-the-fence about having kids at all. I like kids in the abstract, in their sweeter moments especially, and feel an outpouring of empathy for kids in tough situations. Can't look at Syrian refugee news stories because the kid pictures make me cry, etc. But the chaos and demanding nature of parenting young kids - and the time and energy it takes away from other parts of life, namely self-identity and the couple/relationship - are stressful and draining to me. I especially can't stand the all-consuming culture of American parenting these days. I don't want to invest so much in my child, although of course I want her to be happy. I want her to go with the flow of what the adults are doing, respect me and her father as individuals and as a couple outside of being parents, and enjoy an adult-led family dynamic. But that's not super acceptable these days.

I'm a happier mom with just one. We also travel and move frequently, which is far easier with just one. I find the baby and toddler years to be particularly relentless and I had *the easiest* child, as affirmed by pediatricians, nannies and grandmas throughout her life. Slept through the night at 11 weeks old, barely cries, sweet and huggy and easygoing. And it's still too damn hard sometimes. I am a warm, loving mom, but I rely on outside help as much as possible and plan to do so for the foreseeable future. I've had twinges of "what if" when I'm on my period sometimes - PMS makes me maternal and weepy! - and I imagine I'll have them again when she's old enough to want a playmate. She does have cousins close in age and already is good at making friends, so I'm hoping that will fill the gap.

I felt a lot of angst in the first year after having her, when I already knew I'd be a one-and-done parent. I grew up hearing a lot of negative platitudes about only children. I also had the idea that it had to be zero or 2. My husband was always happy with 0, 1, or 2 as potential options. Advice I would give to myself: Don't worry about what others may think.

I wish I could say that noble reasons about climate change were part of the calculus, but no, it's all about me and my family

[Anonymous]

We have one almost 6 year old. She woke up at 6:45, then came into our room at 7:00. We snuggled and took turns making up songs about how much we love our family (her idea, seriously). Then we went downstairs and had breakfast while listening to David Bowie (just watched Labyrinth and now we're all on a kick). She told us about the party they're having at school today and colored while eating. Then I took her to school and DH will pick her up. Life is serene and she's happy and has never said she's lonely.

Let me say, the pressure between ages 1.5 - 3.5 to have a second is INTENSE. Everyone and their mom feels the need to offer unsolicited advice and remind you that the clock is ticking. The societal pressure is enormous, but it doesn't last forever. Once your child hits about age 4, the comments will stop. You are totally right that only kids can and do have rich and fulfilling childhoods. So do children with siblings. It's all about parenting intentionally and creating a joyful home. The right number of kids is the number of kids that allows you to be confident, happy parents. The only advice I have is that whatever choice you make, embrace it and be fully confident in yourself. There is no right or wrong here, so do what you want and be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child and always wanted a larger family of my own. There wasn't ever a question in my mind that I'd have 2+ kids. When DD was like 1.5 she started begging us nonstop for a sibling. DS was born when she was 22 months and they've been best friends since. I really think DD never wanted to be an only child and she was meant to be the big sister. She's sensitive, empathetic and loves being a little mommy. Pregnant with #3 and I doubt DS will make as good of a big brother as DD was.

I love the baby years and the toddler years have been sweet too.

As another only, please provide a sibling. My kids are so much happier!!

[Anonymous]

Got pregnant with #2 on accident. Not sure if I would have gone for a second intentionally because the first was so hard but I was actually really happy to be pregnant.

I am SO glad I have two. They are such good friends (3 year age difference) and they play together really well. Seeing them together makes me so happy. And of course when they play together I don’t have to. They entertain each other a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child and always wanted a larger family of my own. There wasn't ever a question in my mind that I'd have 2+ kids. When DD was like 1.5 she started begging us nonstop for a sibling. DS was born when she was 22 months and they've been best friends since. I really think DD never wanted to be an only child and she was meant to be the big sister. She's sensitive, empathetic and loves being a little mommy. Pregnant with #3 and I doubt DS will make as good of a big brother as DD was.

I love the baby years and the toddler years have been sweet too.

As another only, please provide a sibling. My kids are so much happier!!

I am an only and loved it growing up. I have two kids and they don’t get along at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child and always wanted a larger family of my own. There wasn't ever a question in my mind that I'd have 2+ kids. When DD was like 1.5 she started begging us nonstop for a sibling. DS was born when she was 22 months and they've been best friends since. I really think DD never wanted to be an only child and she was meant to be the big sister. She's sensitive, empathetic and loves being a little mommy. Pregnant with #3 and I doubt DS will make as good of a big brother as DD was.

I love the baby years and the toddler years have been sweet too.

As another only, please provide a sibling. My kids are so much happier!!

I am an only and loved it growing up. I have two kids and they don’t get along at all.

Yeah, and also, it shouldn't be on the parent to "provide" a sibling. That's how you get moms with mental health issues. My mom would have been way happier with just one, objectively speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we were deciding whether to have a second, my mom was having major health issues. I'm not particularly close to my sibling, but it was so nice to have somebody else supporting my dad with me and to check in with about my mom's situation. My spouse also has a sibling who is single and has major health issues.

We wanted our kid to have somebody else to rely on in adulthood and didn't have any close friends with only children around our kid's age. It wasn't the only reason we had a second, but it tipped the scales for us.

My brother died when he was 25, so now I'm an only child. One of my closest friend's sister died when she was 12, so now my friend is an only child. I get that that's not the norm, but having another child so that your child won't be alone when they're older is silly to me.

Dp. Ypu dould also say NOT having a sibling becausr they might die is silly to me!

[Anonymous]

We stopped at 1 and for us it’s for the best. I had my first and only at 32 so in theory I had time for more kids.

- My pregnancy was a high risk nightmare, culminating in a NICU stay. I never want to experience that again, especially while having another child at home.

- Having more children would stretch our budget. We aren’t wealthy or high income, but with one we can save for retirement, college, etc. and splurge on travel.

- Turns out DH is one of those who can’t well handle the logistics of childcare. I won’t go into great detail, and he is a wonderful man, but he’s forgetful, ADHD, and works very long hours. I thought we’d go into parenting as equals but I was wrong.

- Turns out I really really like quiet time and alone time.

- My only sibling is an addict, so I don’t have the sibling networks that others have. DH is close to his brother, who has children, and his brother will take our child if we both die.

My child is 8 and wonderful and that’s plenty for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child and always wanted a larger family of my own. There wasn't ever a question in my mind that I'd have 2+ kids. When DD was like 1.5 she started begging us nonstop for a sibling. DS was born when she was 22 months and they've been best friends since. I really think DD never wanted to be an only child and she was meant to be the big sister. She's sensitive, empathetic and loves being a little mommy. Pregnant with #3 and I doubt DS will make as good of a big brother as DD was.

I love the baby years and the toddler years have been sweet too.

As another only, please provide a sibling. My kids are so much happier!!

I am an only and loved it growing up. I have two kids and they don’t get along at all.

This! I had a sibling and was terribly lonely. The lonely only myth has been totally debunked. Some kids with siblings are lonely, some only children are lonely. Sibling relationships are a crap shoot. Have a second child because YOU want one, not because you think it will make the first child happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child and always wanted a larger family of my own. There wasn't ever a question in my mind that I'd have 2+ kids. When DD was like 1.5 she started begging us nonstop for a sibling. DS was born when she was 22 months and they've been best friends since. I really think DD never wanted to be an only child and she was meant to be the big sister. She's sensitive, empathetic and loves being a little mommy. Pregnant with #3 and I doubt DS will make as good of a big brother as DD was.

I love the baby years and the toddler years have been sweet too.

As another only, please provide a sibling. My kids are so much happier!!

I am an only and loved it growing up. I have two kids and they don’t get along at all.

Yeah, and also, it shouldn't be on the parent to "provide" a sibling. That's how you get moms with mental health issues. My mom would have been way happier with just one, objectively speaking.

Let me guess pp you are the older! I am the middle child and glad I was born.