1 kid vs. 2 kids - how did you decide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never gave much thought to having a 2nd child until I saw a friend of mine who is an only child. When both his parents died, he had a really tough time. Seeing what he went through I could not bear the thought of my child going through that.

Had an IVF for the 2nd child and 4 months of hospitalization requiring complete bed rest during pregnancy. Even ate while in a prone position for all those months. Several scares and absolute nightmare during that time.

Still one of the best decisions I made.

I’m sure your friend did have a hard time. But....I want to push back on your interpretation that his only child status is definitely what made it hard for him. I don’t know the specifics, but most people have a hard time when their parents die. Perhaps it is particularly intense for only children, as many only children report having very strong relationships with their parents. But whether they have siblings or not, it is a massive loss for many people. I have a sibling. I have lost one parent. My sibling was NOT a major part of my support network for that loss...even though I have a good relationship with sibling and they were going through the same thing I was. We dealt with it differently. I was much closer to the parent who died, for one. So I relied much more heavily on my friends than on my sibling in the years immediately afterwards. As those with dead parents know, the loss is painful for a very long time, and at a certain point you are kind of on your own. Sibling did not and does not offer much comfort. Neutral.

The whole hypothetical “they’ll be there for each other when we die” is just...basically a fantasy. For all you know one of your kids could end up being an addict or marrying an abusive spouse or moving abroad or....(fill in the blank) and the next thing you know having had the second kid puts MORE pressure on your first as an adult. You don’t even know who your kids are yet! What makes you so confident that having another kid makes their adult problems—loss of parents, etc—easier? How do you know you aren’t making things harder for them?

Look, as others have said upthread, I really take issue with the “i had another one because i wanted my kid to have a sibling for x, y, or z reason” basically because you can’t predict the future. Many, many people have difficult, toxic, even abusive relationships with their siblings. Many people have positive relationships with their siblings. If you use this line of reasoning for having another kid, you’re saying: “there’s a 50% that my kids benefit from each other and a 50% chance that they end up making one or each other’s lives worse! I’ll take those odds!”

Have another kid because YOU/ your partner want one!! The sibling thing is full of holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never gave much thought to having a 2nd child until I saw a friend of mine who is an only child. When both his parents died, he had a really tough time. Seeing what he went through I could not bear the thought of my child going through that.

Had an IVF for the 2nd child and 4 months of hospitalization requiring complete bed rest during pregnancy. Even ate while in a prone position for all those months. Several scares and absolute nightmare during that time.

Still one of the best decisions I made.

I’m sure your friend did have a hard time. But....I want to push back on your interpretation that his only child status is definitely what made it hard for him. I don’t know the specifics, but most people have a hard time when their parents die. Perhaps it is particularly intense for only children, as many only children report having very strong relationships with their parents. But whether they have siblings or not, it is a massive loss for many people. I have a sibling. I have lost one parent. My sibling was NOT a major part of my support network for that loss...even though I have a good relationship with sibling and they were going through the same thing I was. We dealt with it differently. I was much closer to the parent who died, for one. So I relied much more heavily on my friends than on my sibling in the years immediately afterwards. As those with dead parents know, the loss is painful for a very long time, and at a certain point you are kind of on your own. Sibling did not and does not offer much comfort. Neutral.

The whole hypothetical “they’ll be there for each other when we die” is just...basically a fantasy. For all you know one of your kids could end up being an addict or marrying an abusive spouse or moving abroad or....(fill in the blank) and the next thing you know having had the second kid puts MORE pressure on your first as an adult. You don’t even know who your kids are yet! What makes you so confident that having another kid makes their adult problems—loss of parents, etc—easier? How do you know you aren’t making things harder for them?

Look, as others have said upthread, I really take issue with the “i had another one because i wanted my kid to have a sibling for x, y, or z reason” basically because you can’t predict the future. Many, many people have difficult, toxic, even abusive relationships with their siblings. Many people have positive relationships with their siblings. If you use this line of reasoning for having another kid, you’re saying: “there’s a 50% that my kids benefit from each other and a 50% chance that they end up making one or each other’s lives worse! I’ll take those odds!”

Have another kid because YOU/ your partner want one!! The sibling thing is full of holes.

My friends loss is what got me thinking about having a sibling. It is not just the loss of parents. Once we became aware and considered the pros and cons of a sibling, it opened up a lot of things that we did not even consider. Looking back at our own families, extended families and friends we have lots of examples of both only and multiple children families.

Having an only child is harmful to the only child in certain contexts - if the parents are of a type that are super focused on children, it leads to excessive and overbearing attention on the only child. It is suffocating for the child. On the other hand if the parents are not going to be as focused on the children having two only makes it worse. Again, it depends.

It also changes the elder child and in many ways you can consciously control this if you pay attention. The family dynamics change as well when another person is introduced.

Going back to evolution, what has humankind most adapted to for thousands of years? Sibling or no sibling? It is with siblings by a long shot. That is always a good starting point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never gave much thought to having a 2nd child until I saw a friend of mine who is an only child. When both his parents died, he had a really tough time. Seeing what he went through I could not bear the thought of my child going through that.

Had an IVF for the 2nd child and 4 months of hospitalization requiring complete bed rest during pregnancy. Even ate while in a prone position for all those months. Several scares and absolute nightmare during that time.

Still one of the best decisions I made.

I’m sure your friend did have a hard time. But....I want to push back on your interpretation that his only child status is definitely what made it hard for him. I don’t know the specifics, but most people have a hard time when their parents die. Perhaps it is particularly intense for only children, as many only children report having very strong relationships with their parents. But whether they have siblings or not, it is a massive loss for many people. I have a sibling. I have lost one parent. My sibling was NOT a major part of my support network for that loss...even though I have a good relationship with sibling and they were going through the same thing I was. We dealt with it differently. I was much closer to the parent who died, for one. So I relied much more heavily on my friends than on my sibling in the years immediately afterwards. As those with dead parents know, the loss is painful for a very long time, and at a certain point you are kind of on your own. Sibling did not and does not offer much comfort. Neutral.

The whole hypothetical “they’ll be there for each other when we die” is just...basically a fantasy. For all you know one of your kids could end up being an addict or marrying an abusive spouse or moving abroad or....(fill in the blank) and the next thing you know having had the second kid puts MORE pressure on your first as an adult. You don’t even know who your kids are yet! What makes you so confident that having another kid makes their adult problems—loss of parents, etc—easier? How do you know you aren’t making things harder for them?

Look, as others have said upthread, I really take issue with the “i had another one because i wanted my kid to have a sibling for x, y, or z reason” basically because you can’t predict the future. Many, many people have difficult, toxic, even abusive relationships with their siblings. Many people have positive relationships with their siblings. If you use this line of reasoning for having another kid, you’re saying: “there’s a 50% that my kids benefit from each other and a 50% chance that they end up making one or each other’s lives worse! I’ll take those odds!”

Have another kid because YOU/ your partner want one!! The sibling thing is full of holes.

My friends loss is what got me thinking about having a sibling. It is not just the loss of parents. Once we became aware and considered the pros and cons of a sibling, it opened up a lot of things that we did not even consider. Looking back at our own families, extended families and friends we have lots of examples of both only and multiple children families.

Having an only child is harmful to the only child in certain contexts - if the parents are of a type that are super focused on children, it leads to excessive and overbearing attention on the only child. It is suffocating for the child. On the other hand if the parents are not going to be as focused on the children having two only makes it worse. Again, it depends.

It also changes the elder child and in many ways you can consciously control this if you pay attention. The family dynamics change as well when another person is introduced.

Going back to evolution, what has humankind most adapted to for thousands of years? Sibling or no sibling? It is with siblings by a long shot. That is always a good starting point.

I really dislike your attitude here. “Humankind” has had multiple children for thousands of years because 1) not all children were likely to survive and 2) there was no such thing as birth control. It was a basic, uncontrolled human instinct. You chose to have more than 1 child. That doesn’t make you a better parent or better person. It makes you a pretty shitty human to suggest only children are unnatural.

[Anonymous]

We were on the fence about a 2nd, decided to go for it, and had identical twins.

I love them to bits, but everything I was afraid of— the exhaustion, the bickering, the logistical and financial difficulties— has come to pass. Unless you’re prepared for the possibility of multiples (especially if you’re older— identicals are just chance but incidence of fraternal twins does increase with age) stick with your only.

If I had it to do over again, I would have stopped with our little family of three. Not that I will ever tell my kids that, and I hope someday I won’t feel that way anymore.

[Anonymous]

One and done, happily. As my mother said, "one is fun; more than one is work". She had 3; she knows.

Husband was one of 4 and money was non-existent when he was growing up.

We had no issues with one -- we split all the work and were never home on weekends -- always out and about with adventures.

[Anonymous]

We initially wanted 2, maybe even 3, but we met later in life, had our first at 36/37.
Pregnancy and first 2 years were soooo hard on us that we waited until DS was 4 to even consider going for a second. It then took us another full year to decide to actually go for it and then… the anxiety of the 1st pregnancy / first 2 years crippled back and we just couldn’t do it. After much consideration we decided to stick to one and not go for the second.
We were already in our forties, always tired, demanding corporate jobs that we love… one was all we could manage.
DS is now 8 and I’m sure it was the right decision for us personally, for our family, our mental health. I think about the decision very often, and I’m glad we stuck to 1.
It’s not an easy decision and I hear you on the social pressure for a second. I think I felt it too. One kid is great, it gives you so much freedom and you can feel like a complete family with only one.

[Anonymous]

I'd do anything for my brother- if he needed a place to stay, money, whatever, I'd do it. Would I take a bullet for him? No.

When our parents died, our respective friends were more of our support than each other. We grieve differently. Our relationships with each parent was different.

To have a sibling bc of this or bc of that is selfish and fantasy speak. If it works out that way, great, but you should never, ever bring another human to this world because of what you THINK will happen. I had a second kid because my husband and I love the experience of parenthood and find it rewarding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd do anything for my brother- if he needed a place to stay, money, whatever, I'd do it. Would I take a bullet for him? No.

When our parents died, our respective friends were more of our support than each other. We grieve differently. Our relationships with each parent was different.

To have a sibling bc of this or bc of that is selfish and fantasy speak. If it works out that way, great, but you should never, ever bring another human to this world because of what you THINK will happen. I had a second kid because my husband and I love the experience of parenthood and find it rewarding.

I agree with this and just wanted to add that I’ve seen more than one set of siblings torn apart by a parent’s illness/aging.

We stopped at one because that’s what we really wanted. If our first kid had been an easier baby maybe we would have thought harder about a second but one would probably still be the right answer for us.

[Anonymous]

My parents are aging badly and it turns out my 2 siblings want nothing to do with the responsibility. Same thing happened to my Dad when his mom lived to old age -- his siblings wanted nothing to do with the (financual) responsibility of taking care of her.

Having more than one child because parents think all will be taken care of when they are older? Total fantasy. Everyone I talked to about this sensitive issue had the same story.

We stuck with one because it is better for the planet, we like our freedom, and one child is easy, financially and otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently have one toddler right now who is so fun, but also a handful and very stressful for us - lack of sleep, daycare was closed due to COVID, etc.

We are getting older, so we need to decide this year whether to go for Baby #2. We do not have the luxury of time.

Right now, we are both ambivalent. And so, so tired. Exhausted. By 8pm, we collapse on the couch. Physically we are a lot less healthy since the birth of our child - a lot less sleep, eating unhealthy, lack of time to exercise, weight gain, etc.

We can afford a 2nd kid, but finances will be stretched thinner. We both work long hours in corporate jobs that require checking emails into the night.

Tell me more about:
-How you came to the conclusion to have a 2nd child
-How you came to the conclusion to just stick with 1 child
-In hindsight, are there moments when you wish you made a different decision? If so, what are those?
-Looking back, what advice would you give to yourself? What do you wish you knew at that time?

In truth, I think we feel some pressure to have a 2nd kid because "it's the right thing to do." We have other friends and family members with kids who have literally said to us "[NAME] shouldn't be an only child - that would be so sad!" There is a sense of guilt that we may be depriving our current kid a more fulfilling life with a sibling. Of course, we know deep-down this isn't true or rational: only-kids can can have extremely rich and fulfilling life experiences without a sibling.

But I hate to think that we were pressured into #2. I am content with our kid now and the fact that our child is getting easier to manage and more self-sufficient. In so many ways our baby was easy compared to other families we know, but it was also a lot more difficult in ways that pre-parent me could not have imagined.

This is a really tough decision. Thoughts?

We wanted number one to have a sibling for the rest of her life, and we wanted more overall kid fun in the house.

[Anonymous]

We knew that we love kids so much that we don't want them to leave us alone and go off to college too soon That was the second reason after wanting our son to have a sibling. For the same reason as the first one I mentioned, we are contemplating a third in 3-4 years.

[Anonymous]

My only has been in the bathtub for an hour. I cleaned the kitchen and am sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and DCUM. That’s pretty much the speed of parenting a school aged only. Plenty of time to give your kid as much attention as they want, plenty of time for self care. She has BFFs and cousins. I love being able to be the best version of myself all the time.

[Anonymous]

DH is fine with zero child, but I want 2 kids. It is really tiring to have 2 kids, and I know DH misses no child life. But I am happy with 2 kids knowing that they will have each other growing up, and they are related by blood. It is really interesting to see that they look so alike even though they are different gender.

[Anonymous]

Yea that is a tough decision and I can see why you are feeling the way you do!

I have two, my best friend has one, my SIL has three. We are all happy with these decisions.

However the only 'advice' I can give you is this - imagine your life in 10 years. What do you envision your family looking like? Are you happy with you, DH and a tween.
Or does it feel like someone is missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only has been in the bathtub for an hour. I cleaned the kitchen and am sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and DCUM. That’s pretty much the speed of parenting a school aged only. Plenty of time to give your kid as much attention as they want, plenty of time for self care. She has BFFs and cousins. I love being able to be the best version of myself all the time.

Okay. It's best to stop at one if your parenting style is to avoid your kid.