1 kid vs. 2 kids - how did you decide?

[Anonymous]

We always knew we wanted at least two, maybe three. We ended with a 3-year age difference (were going for more like 18-24 months) and it is AMAZING. We were out of a lot of the baby stage stuff when my youngest was born, so the oldest could help out/play independently. NO regrets whatsoever. I am so glad we have two.

Now the third... this was a super hard decision because we really wanted a third. But I also wanted a career and I knew I could not do both. When my youngest was about two, I knew I wanted to look forward only, not go back to the baby stage. So we have two and I think it's wonderful. I used to sometimes get a yen for the what if of a third, but then we got a puppy and I am so glad we are just the way we are.

[Anonymous]

We were ambivalent about it. I have loved every moment of being a mom, but really did not want to go through the baby years again and sleepless nights. There are also specific health risks for me with another pregnancy.

At the same time I knew we would never regret another child and would love having them in our lives in future years, and this would be priceless.

We would have loved a sibling for our child though at the same time recognize some siblings are not close.

Finances would have been tighter but we could have afforded it, and would have just made the 12 weeks paid parental leave for federal employees, for each of us. We didn't have that with our first

I got pregnant, and DH had a scary health problem which fortunately was ok in the end. I had an early miscarriage in the midst of that and felt relieved, esp as pregnancy carries some risks for me and one/both of us needs to be there for our child we already have. At mid-40s and late 30s for me, we just felt done like our family is complete. We have family and friends in areas of the country where a couple our age has kids old enough to be out of the home already as a grown adult, these are people who stayed in the hometown didn't move to DC.

I love our family the way it is and being able to focus all our time, energy, and resources on our one child. I like the older kid years much better than the baby years, as cute as babies are. It is the right decision for us.

[Anonymous]

While I understand that there is no guarantee the kids will get along when they are adults, I didn’t want one child to be left behind alone when we are gone. So far they hate each other, so that’s going great…

[Anonymous]

We have one. I was an only child and the sibling relationship and bigger family of my spouse is something I'm envious of, to be honest. We settled on having only one for a few reasons, a lot of them being money, but also I just looked at our family and it was perfect. Another kid wouldn't have been unwelcome, but we didn't need it. We are happy with what we have.

[Anonymous]

Once you get past the toddler years, one child is SO much simpler and easier than two. We never feel stretched thin, even during the pandemic, and can give as much time, money, attention to ourselves AND our daughter as we choose. Life is lovely and peaceful, even though we're loud and crazy people, and our daughter has best friends that tag along whenever she wants more company. There's no bickering or even really the normal kid whining and fighting, because she learned to communicate conflict like an adult from an early age. She's more rational and calm under pressure than some of my coworkers! Only children are very self sufficient and have very active imaginations. There's less of a need to entertain them than I think people with multiple kids assume. I personally think that's a gift because if you can comfortably be by yourself and happy in your own company, there's less pressure to fit in with peers, date jerks, or otherwise feel like you have to make unwise decisions so you're not alone.

The family bond with an only child is truly different too. You're all one team and the divide between adult-child is different than when there are siblings. There's more pressure to "do it right" (there was a recent thread on this actually), but it really is special and I'm so glad that's the parenting experience I get to have. One thing we've talked about is intentionally pushing her to spread her wings when the time comes. We're all so close that I don't want her to feel conflicted about moving away or finding her own path. All of that to say, if you want to stick with one, then stick with one. They're just as likely to be great or awful kids as any other kid, and a lot of the stereotypes about selfishness and loneliness has either been debunked or can be totally mitigated by parenting intentionally.

[Anonymous]

Tell me more about:
-How you came to the conclusion to have a 2nd child - DH really wanted one. I didn't have strong feelings either way, so we have two
-How you came to the conclusion to just stick with 1 child - n/a
-In hindsight, are there moments when you wish you made a different decision? If so, what are those? - not really. I don't really like kids - having two is no different than having one to me
-Looking back, what advice would you give to yourself? What do you wish you knew at that time? - I wish I'd been more on boundaries on people visiting when they were newborns and we were adjusting, and wish I'd spent less time feeling guilty about not feeling super maternal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my spouse and I have one sibling, so I think we both liked the idea of having 2 kids. That being said, our kids are 4 years apart because I was way too tired to have our kids spaced closer together. It took me about 3 years to feel physically ready to get pregnant again and go through that entire cycle again.

Exactly in your position and pregnant now with our second and first will be 4 years old. How is the age difference so far?

[Anonymous]

I'm an only with an only - so I am more comfortable with an only than most, maybe. For us it just seemed easier with one and the one we have is wonderful. Not having to worry about money quite as much was a big factor, as well as my pregnancy being pretty difficult. None of our parents have particularly healthy / kind relationships with their siblings so we didn't buy in to the 'oh but I just love my sibling' arguments. My kiddo is 5 and people still comment on her being an only but not as often as when she was still a toddler - grocery store clerks, random people, even our friends would comment with the 'you just have to have another!!' line. I got pretty good and brushing it off without being too sassy. Good luck deciding!

[Anonymous]

Well, my first was a tough baby, but we waited too long for the second and had to go through IVF. Love the 2 kiddos! But it is a lot of work.

Would I do it again? Yes, but with a better support system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently have one toddler right now who is so fun, but also a handful and very stressful for us - lack of sleep, daycare was closed due to COVID, etc.

We are getting older, so we need to decide this year whether to go for Baby #2. We do not have the luxury of time.

Right now, we are both ambivalent. And so, so tired. Exhausted. By 8pm, we collapse on the couch. Physically we are a lot less healthy since the birth of our child - a lot less sleep, eating unhealthy, lack of time to exercise, weight gain, etc.

We can afford a 2nd kid, but finances will be stretched thinner. We both work long hours in corporate jobs that require checking emails into the night.

Tell me more about:
-How you came to the conclusion to have a 2nd child
-How you came to the conclusion to just stick with 1 child
-In hindsight, are there moments when you wish you made a different decision? If so, what are those?
-Looking back, what advice would you give to yourself? What do you wish you knew at that time?

In truth, I think we feel some pressure to have a 2nd kid because "it's the right thing to do." We have other friends and family members with kids who have literally said to us "[NAME] shouldn't be an only child - that would be so sad!" There is a sense of guilt that we may be depriving our current kid a more fulfilling life with a sibling. Of course, we know deep-down this isn't true or rational: only-kids can can have extremely rich and fulfilling life experiences without a sibling.

But I hate to think that we were pressured into #2. I am content with our kid now and the fact that our child is getting easier to manage and more self-sufficient. In so many ways our baby was easy compared to other families we know, but it was also a lot more difficult in ways that pre-parent me could not have imagined.

This is a really tough decision. Thoughts?

We didn't make the decision ao complicated. Two kids to replace my dh and I. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Life is perfect with one. Don’t see any benefits of having more kids. Don’t care if society feels
Sorry for my kid, she is happy and has never asked for a sibling.

[Anonymous]

We always knew we wanted 1. Do I sometimes feel a little sad that he is an only (my sisters are my best friends)? Yes. But, I couldn't imagine have 2. I was 36 and DH was 40 when we had him, and we love our lifestyle. DS keeps us busy, but we also have time to just relax. DS is 8 now, and sometimes we are playing games, sports in the backyard, and other times we are all just reading or each doing our own thing. It works for us.

Don't feel pressured to have a 2nd kid. That is not a good reason. Have a 2nd kid if you feel like it will enrich *your* lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child and we only had one child who is now 15. Decision was made for us due to complications during delivery, but it's absolutely been the right one for us. Kids are exhausting and expensive. More than you can even imagine! Absolutely love our child to pieces and feel we have been able to develop a close relationship with her. She is very mature, yet fun. Another benefit for us is that one of us is always available to go to a school or sporting event, even if one of us is out of town. We aren't stretched thin trying to decide which child's events we should go to or flipping a coin. No regrets. Best of luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

Always wanted two, but I wasn’t ready until the oldest was 2.5. And there wasn’t even a pandemic! We both have intense careers (but more flexible hours, now that we are senior). I knew the early years would be demanding but I also knew I didn’t want an only child dynamic. It is quite lonely for the kids sometimes — the only children in our neighborhood are always roaming around in search of play dates. We wanted our kids to have each other and someone who they could talk about their parents with, LOL. And we didn’t want an adult centric family life.

I think this past year has been SO exhausting with the pandemic, I would give yourself a month or two with childcare to remember that it’s more manageable than what you have been through. We had no childcare for over a year so I empathize.

Never regretted having two. My second is a ray of light and adds so much positivity to our lives. I would love a third, but am slowly coming to the realization that might push things over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it wasn't a hard decision for us to have two. I thought we were one and done due to complications from my first pregnancy at 36. But after my DS was a year old (easy baby), DH and I were both in agreement that we wanted another and should try immediately due to age. We had two under two, which was really tough for about a year. They really are best friends now. But if I were on the fence or questioning my instincts about it then I wouldn't have had a second.