When do you leave a husband who is not serious about my ticking biological clock?

[Anonymous]

You’re going to leave your husband just bc he doesn’t want kids? Kids are a ton of work and a total PITA. You do know that right? And it’s only worse in this crazy new world. Maybe try to connect better with your husband and stop trying to fill this obvious void in yourself. Don’t listen to all the women on this thread who are so desperately trying to lead you down the sad path they’ve already set out on.

[Anonymous]

The PPs who caution you about hitting the dating market in your mid 30s are not wrong. Sure, there are a couple of lottery winners out there, but unless you are wealthy and gorgeous it probably will not happen for you. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion probably (haven't read the thread yet) but if your DH is a decent man, go ahead and have your baby now.

I know you said there have been some financial issues and that he doesn't seem interested.

1) Finances should not preclude you from have a child (before anyone fusses we are talking about one baby, not 7 kids). People from all walks of life have children and make it work. If you wait until things are perfect it will likely be too late or you will end up need many thousands for fertility treatment. I can tell you want/need a baby badly.

2) Years ago when I was having my baby I remember the nurse who ran the birthing class said women need a baby but men don't 'need' a baby. I know this is not 100% true - but I get what she is saying and she is right. Your husband is not going to pine about a baby, his life is perfectly fine without a baby!! If he is a good man, have your baby! Many men do not "get it". There is no time for arguing back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

There is no such thing as happy accidents when people are not interested in having kids. You are gross.

No, it's gross to marry someone who wants kids when you don't. I'm childfree and I think it's despicable to deceive people. Deception begets deception.

Completely agree. I’d absolutely stop using BC and not tell him.

This is disgusting. Do you have no morals or ethics? Just as it's not OK for a guy to slip off his condom secretly it is NOT OK to stop taking BC without telling your partner. Vile disgusting advice.

If you corner a women to her fertility deadline, this is what's going to happen.

Same the other way around.

If someone dragged me past my child rearing age, he better be watching out for some criminal activities.

[Anonymous]

Typical DCUM. Unless you're one paycheck away from being out on the street, finances should not stop you from having a baby. I had my first in grad school when our combined income was 60K.

The problem is that you didn't insist enough before, and now your idiot husband, who probably doesn't want kids at all, feels your panic and refuses to be on the hook for all the blame he knows is coming his way.

So... you need a come to Jesus talk with him. Does he actually want kids? If he does, it needs to happen NOW, whether they're biologically yours or adopted. If he doesn't, he needs to understand you will leave, and he betrayed your trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The PPs who caution you about hitting the dating market in your mid 30s are not wrong. Sure, there are a couple of lottery winners out there, but unless you are wealthy and gorgeous it probably will not happen for you. Sorry OP.

Disagree. I'm 33 and engaged to a wonderful man. I make 65k and the best thing that can be said about my appearance is "girl next door", not gorgeous.

Women here think men only want looks or money (which money makes no sense, men mostly DGAF). In my and my friends' experiences it easy to find a good man if you're fun, easy going, have a good sense of humor, like sex, and are enthusiastic about him while being supportive/nice.

Just be a decent person, like attracts like.

[Anonymous]

Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to leave your husband just bc he doesn’t want kids? Kids are a ton of work and a total PITA. You do know that right? And it’s only worse in this crazy new world. Maybe try to connect better with your husband and stop trying to fill this obvious void in yourself. Don’t listen to all the women on this thread who are so desperately trying to lead you down the sad path they’ve already set out on.

Oh stop. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a family. It’s very normal to want children and no one should be shamed for it.

Having children is wonderful. I’ve never found mine to be a PITA, they bring me so much joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to leave your husband just bc he doesn’t want kids? Kids are a ton of work and a total PITA. You do know that right? And it’s only worse in this crazy new world. Maybe try to connect better with your husband and stop trying to fill this obvious void in yourself. Don’t listen to all the women on this thread who are so desperately trying to lead you down the sad path they’ve already set out on.

Oh stop. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a family. It’s very normal to want children and no one should be shamed for it.

Having children is wonderful. I’ve never found mine to be a PITA, they bring me so much joy.

I am not the PP you are responding to, but I agree with her. They completely take over your life. Mine not planned. I don't feel any joy in any great amount at all. Tiny amounts, sure. Love, yes. But I would not do it again. The amount of joy does not make up for the amount of sacrifice. However, if she really wants a baby, she should leave and have a baby with someone else or on her own. When someone really wants them, it is different. However, I have many, many friends who are shocked having children is as hard as it is and are overwhelmed. I am shocked they did not realize in advance...I did...which is why kids were never on my to-do list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to leave your husband just bc he doesn’t want kids? Kids are a ton of work and a total PITA. You do know that right? And it’s only worse in this crazy new world. Maybe try to connect better with your husband and stop trying to fill this obvious void in yourself. Don’t listen to all the women on this thread who are so desperately trying to lead you down the sad path they’ve already set out on.

I'm childfree. I would never date or marry someone who wants kids. I made my choice, and they should make theirs. It'd be stupid of me to marry a man who wanted kids and try to convince him to be childfree. VERY stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to leave your husband just bc he doesn’t want kids? Kids are a ton of work and a total PITA. You do know that right? And it’s only worse in this crazy new world. Maybe try to connect better with your husband and stop trying to fill this obvious void in yourself. Don’t listen to all the women on this thread who are so desperately trying to lead you down the sad path they’ve already set out on.

This. your DH is smart and knows what coming if he ever agrees with you. Just reality.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want a baby, put the responsibility of birth control on your husband. He can wear condoms or get a vasectomy or whatever he wants. My husband didn’t take any precautions despite not wanting a second child. So now I have my second baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No ultimatum. He does not want kids obviously. The last thing you want to do is guilt DH into it. Not good for child or anyone. You either need to accept or move on.

+1000!!!

Don’t sentence a poor innocent child to a life where his or her dad didn’t want them. Fathers are so important to raising well-adjusted kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

NO! You do NOT do this. It’s horrible. Find someone else who wants a child or have one alone but you do NOT trick someone into a lifelong obligation.