When do you leave a husband who is not serious about my ticking biological clock?

[Anonymous]

Do not have kids with him. Yes, leave.

[Anonymous]

This thread is full of nonsense knee-jerk "just leave" advice that simply reflects back OP's anger. It is not reasoned advice.

OP -- you have not told us (nor am I asking you to tell us now) WHAT discussions you and he had before marriage, early in marriage, as the years progressed in your marriage. Nowhere do you--not some random PP making assumptions, I mean YOU, OP -- tell us that he has said definitively and with real clarity "I Do. Not. Want. Children. Ever." Posts her, and you yourself, are simply assuiming that's the case.

Why did you marry him? Make a list. Honest to God, an actual, literal list.

What is still good about him and your marriage if you can take your emotions about a baby out of it? Can you step back and be objective even a little?

Can you see that possibly your own perspective is very keyed up and agitated in your OP?

It sounds as if you and he do not communicate CLEARLY or well at all. Before you simply ditch him over this one single issue, you and he should both commit to getting an objective third party, namely a couples therapist, to work with you.

Also: You are 34. Unless you have TTC issues (you mention TTC and $) you are not too old for a child even in the next several years. And you are talking about leaving him based on totally unclear communications. Sounds like you and he both are simply letting inertia carry you toward a split which you need to understand will not guarantee you will have a child of your own ever-- do you see yourself hitting the dating market at 35 or so? Or going it alone with a sperm donor--? Especially if you have any conception issues?

Too much emotion and frustsration and hormones going on. You and he both need to get help before you ditch him thinking there's going to be another magical solution if he's out of the picture. If this is THE one issue why would you ditch someone you loved enough to marry once. You said you've had financial issues; are you really unaware how much mental space and emotional space that has sucked up for both you and him? He may be as terrified of the responsiblity of a child as you are terrified you won't have one. Do you know? I'm betting not because I don't sense any real discussions have gone on here--deep, uninterrupted, non-arguing talks.

I'm not saying he's a good guy or you're wrong and bad, OP. I fear you'll read it that way. No. I'm saying you are so wrapped up in intense and understandable emotion you are only hearing that loud ticking which is drowning everything else including any other reasons to stay married to him (like, do you love him as a person?); any thought that you are not necessarily going to have a baby if you divorce him except maybe as a single parent; etc.

Sit him down. No ultimatums; those aren't for grown-ups unless there's real abuse or addiction involved. Get outside help because both of you need some objectivity. And review why you married in the first place. Was having a child more important than the marriage relationship, part of it, or secondary to spending your life with this person?

[Anonymous]

So you would leave him at 34-35 and be back on the dating market? How long would it take to find a man to marry or willing to make you his baby mama (that is what you would be)? Do you want to be a single mother?

Think this through before you walk. Look before you leap into the empty swimming pool head first.

[Anonymous]

This was me, My wife and I we’re going on happily, I never said I didn’t want kids I said I was open to the idea but I really want them.

We had fertility issues which kind of focused her on it even more, after a year of treatment she was pregnant. I never had or understood the drive to have a kid, any time I saw them it wasn’t really at all attractive; my experience with children was hearing them scream in restaurants, seeing my friends who had them become really lame and boring or watching them be obnoxious to their parents.

Before we started fertility treatments my wife gave me an ultimatum, she said that she wanted this and it was pretty much nonnegotiable, I responded that I’m not dying for this but I’m open to it if it happens.

Fast forward and I’ve got a 17, 15 and 12-year-old, they are devoid of appreciation for anything, lazy, messy and are huge barriers to our intimate life, however I couldn’t love them any more than I do.

Of all my friends only one couldn’t wait to have kids and he is divorced From an absolute monster of a woman who he has the unfortunate task of coparenting with, the rest of us could honestly take them or leave them but seem to be doing pretty good jobs of being dads.

I obviously don’t know your husband or how he responds to extortion but sometimes we need a kick in the ass to get things moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Doesn't seem interested" ?

What does that mean? Have you told him "I am ready for a baby this year"? Or do you just ooh and ahh at baby stuff and hope he'll get the hint?

Before having children, I hope you 2 are communicating openly.

Communications take two parties.

We all know how some people's idea of communication is remain silent, sulk in his basement, and hope you will bulge.

Well I call that mental abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say there are financial issues in the marriage, OP. What are you doing to help with the finances?

It is not immature for a man not to want to bring children into the world that he's not sure he can support financially. And it's an imposition on society for a woman to bear children she can't support without looking to the government to bail her out.

On the other hand, if your spouse previously indicated he wanted to have kids, and you are financially in a position to support one or more children now, different story. At some point it can become a basic incompatibility in the marriage.

I doubt OP means she’ll need welfare when she says financial issues. DCUM acts like it’s irresponsible to have kids if your HHI is under $100k. Most people can raise one child on $70k in this area by living in an apartment and attending public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you would leave him at 34-35 and be back on the dating market? How long would it take to find a man to marry or willing to make you his baby mama (that is what you would be)? Do you want to be a single mother?

Think this through before you walk. Look before you leap into the empty swimming pool head first.

Or do what two of my coworkers did and foster adopt within a year of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say there are financial issues in the marriage, OP. What are you doing to help with the finances?

It is not immature for a man not to want to bring children into the world that he's not sure he can support financially. And it's an imposition on society for a woman to bear children she can't support without looking to the government to bail her out.

On the other hand, if your spouse previously indicated he wanted to have kids, and you are financially in a position to support one or more children now, different story. At some point it can become a basic incompatibility in the marriage.

I doubt OP means she’ll need welfare when she says financial issues. DCUM acts like it’s irresponsible to have kids if your HHI is under $100k. Most people can raise one child on $70k in this area by living in an apartment and attending public school.

raising a child on a total of $70K in this area is not exactly a cakewalk. renting an apt (or a mortgage) can easily be $2000 (especially if you need an area with decent public schools). plus, unless one parent stay home, you need full day care for at least three years, so rent/mortgage + daycare can easily be over $45K a year alone, not much left after that. and having a child as a single woman requires $$$$ unless you have family around who agrees to help when child is sick and you need to go to work and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did he say about children before marriage?

Is the self-centered generally or just ignorant about how women's fertility works? If the latter, maybe make an appointment with your OB/GYN or a fertility expert that can explain that now is your moment (especially if you want more than one child).

You have rights, and becoming a mother is not something you should compromise on (unless you agreed to this before marriage). Good luck.

I scheduled an appointment with a fertility expert. DH skipped it citing work deadline. When I got back and told him that the specialist asked why we waited so long to have kids he blew up at me and said I will NOT paint him out to be the bad guy because we did not have money to TTC earlier.

If you fight about money and work-life-balance decisions (real or excuses) now, you won't believe how much worse it gets with kids. Leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say there are financial issues in the marriage, OP. What are you doing to help with the finances?

It is not immature for a man not to want to bring children into the world that he's not sure he can support financially. And it's an imposition on society for a woman to bear children she can't support without looking to the government to bail her out.

On the other hand, if your spouse previously indicated he wanted to have kids, and you are financially in a position to support one or more children now, different story. At some point it can become a basic incompatibility in the marriage.

I doubt OP means she’ll need welfare when she says financial issues. DCUM acts like it’s irresponsible to have kids if your HHI is under $100k. Most people can raise one child on $70k in this area by living in an apartment and attending public school.

raising a child on a total of $70K in this area is not exactly a cakewalk. renting an apt (or a mortgage) can easily be $2000 (especially if you need an area with decent public schools). plus, unless one parent stay home, you need full day care for at least three years, so rent/mortgage + daycare can easily be over $45K a year alone, not much left after that. and having a child as a single woman requires $$$$ unless you have family around who agrees to help when child is sick and you need to go to work and so on.

No, not a cakewalk, but doable if your priority is to have a child. It’s not doable if your priority is other stuff: a house zoned to a certain HS, twice year vacations, money for fantasy football or salon blowouts.

[Anonymous]

No ultimatum. Leave. The worst thing you can do is to have kids with someone who doesn’t want any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

There is no such thing as happy accidents when people are not interested in having kids. You are gross.

No, it's gross to marry someone who wants kids when you don't. I'm childfree and I think it's despicable to deceive people. Deception begets deception.

Completely agree. I’d absolutely stop using BC and not tell him.

[Anonymous]

I was with someone at 34 who professed to wanting children and marriage with me. Used to ask me what I wanted to name our kids, what kind of ring, wedding etc I wanted. I got pregnant by accident and he flipped out. Said he wasn't ready, financially etc.

It was devastating but I left. Married my now dh at 37 and had kids at 38, 40.

We don't know the whole story, maybe there were very good reasons to wait but at a certain point if you want kids, you need to start trying Op needs to figure out if he's truly stalling and if so she should leave while she still has time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Doesn't seem interested" ?

What does that mean? Have you told him "I am ready for a baby this year"? Or do you just ooh and ahh at baby stuff and hope he'll get the hint?

Before having children, I hope you 2 are communicating openly.

Communications take two parties.

We all know how some people's idea of communication is remain silent, sulk in his basement, and hope you will bulge.

Well I call that mental abuse.

Are you OP?

[Anonymous]

An ultimatum is not an ideal way to begin a family.

It is just wrong to bring innocent children into such a situation.

If your hubby does not want children, then divorce him for someone who will. 👩🏼‍🍼