When do you leave a husband who is not serious about my ticking biological clock?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what led to you falling out with your mom? did something actually happen once or over time? Or early on did you decide to just hate that she is a SMBC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

There is no such thing as happy accidents when people are not interested in having kids. You are gross.

No, it's gross to marry someone who wants kids when you don't. I'm childfree and I think it's despicable to deceive people. Deception begets deception.

Completely agree. I’d absolutely stop using BC and not tell him.

Not all men who don't want kids are fools and "finish" inside their partners. Glad you think you're so smart, now thing on those who are smarter than you.

Men who don't want kids and are smart marry women who also don't want kids.

[Anonymous]

Are you married to my BIL?

Except my BIL is VERY vocal about not wanting kids when his wife does want kids. I think she think he's being cute. Definitely not cute!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

I’m the PP who wrote that I’m estranged from my mother. My mother is a narcissist who thinks that just because she birthed me that she is entitled to my money and resources. She actually wasn’t a good mother at all and I really had no one to advocate for me growing up. But all she thinks is if I hadn’t given birth to you, you couldn’t have to gone on to college. So she is emotionally disturbed and yes, I resent her. It takes money to survive in this world so resources do count. I moved to another country where she’ll never find me and my life is for the better.

PP, I am sorry you grew up with a narcissistic parent, but surely you recognize that this also happens to many kids who are not raised by single moms? You may believe if she had been married that a dad would have rescued you, but rationally, that is not necessarily the case.

It is tough to grow up in a world where you see other people have more money than you do, but that happens to a lot of people, single mom or two parent families. I hope you are seeing a therapist who is helping you learn to communicate and set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

Exactly. He already agreed before the married, not he doesn't get to change his mind. So what worst case he wants a divorce, she will still have her family. Plus I think she is better off without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

There is no such thing as happy accidents when people are not interested in having kids. You are gross.

No, it's gross to marry someone who wants kids when you don't. I'm childfree and I think it's despicable to deceive people. Deception begets deception.

Completely agree. I’d absolutely stop using BC and not tell him.

This is disgusting. Do you have no morals or ethics? Just as it's not OK for a guy to slip off his condom secretly it is NOT OK to stop taking BC without telling your partner. Vile disgusting advice.

If you corner a women to her fertility deadline, this is what's going to happen.

Same the other way around.

If someone dragged me past my child rearing age, he better be watching out for some criminal activities.

The vile one is the man who tricked her to put a ring on it. Now she finds out it was a bait and switch. OP put your family plans first. You can always find a partner anytime in life, you are though limited on when you can conceive a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want a baby, put the responsibility of birth control on your husband. He can wear condoms or get a vasectomy or whatever he wants. My husband didn’t take any precautions despite not wanting a second child. So now I have my second baby!

Yes why are men still believing BC is the woman's responsibility? If a man doesn't want kids he should use his own BC, same with the woman. Yes she should go off it ASAP! He is still responsible for his own regardless.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the comments but you said there is financial insecurity. Is that why he's hesitant? It's a logical reason. Work with him on what you can both do to get him a place where he's ready. An ultimatum isn't going to end well. If you can't navigate the conversation around having kids you'll have a hard time navigating the conversations you need to after kids. Go to counseling. Wishing you the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

I’m the PP who wrote that I’m estranged from my mother. My mother is a narcissist who thinks that just because she birthed me that she is entitled to my money and resources. She actually wasn’t a good mother at all and I really had no one to advocate for me growing up. But all she thinks is if I hadn’t given birth to you, you couldn’t have to gone on to college. So she is emotionally disturbed and yes, I resent her. It takes money to survive in this world so resources do count. I moved to another country where she’ll never find me and my life is for the better.

PP, I am sorry you grew up with a narcissistic parent, but surely you recognize that this also happens to many kids who are not raised by single moms? You may believe if she had been married that a dad would have rescued you, but rationally, that is not necessarily the case.

It is tough to grow up in a world where you see other people have more money than you do, but that happens to a lot of people, single mom or two parent families. I hope you are seeing a therapist who is helping you learn to communicate and set boundaries.

Why do I need to see anyone when I have refused to speak with or meet the woman for 10+ years? That's my boundary right there and my communicating that I don't want anything to do with her. My mother shouldn't have had a child period. I'm not saying no one should have children. I'm saying think carefully about why and how you'd be able to parent alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

I’m the PP who wrote that I’m estranged from my mother. My mother is a narcissist who thinks that just because she birthed me that she is entitled to my money and resources. She actually wasn’t a good mother at all and I really had no one to advocate for me growing up. But all she thinks is if I hadn’t given birth to you, you couldn’t have to gone on to college. So she is emotionally disturbed and yes, I resent her. It takes money to survive in this world so resources do count. I moved to another country where she’ll never find me and my life is for the better.

PP, I am sorry you grew up with a narcissistic parent, but surely you recognize that this also happens to many kids who are not raised by single moms? You may believe if she had been married that a dad would have rescued you, but rationally, that is not necessarily the case.

It is tough to grow up in a world where you see other people have more money than you do, but that happens to a lot of people, single mom or two parent families. I hope you are seeing a therapist who is helping you learn to communicate and set boundaries.

Why do I need to see anyone when I have refused to speak with or meet the woman for 10+ years? That's my boundary right there and my communicating that I don't want anything to do with her. My mother shouldn't have had a child period. I'm not saying no one should have children. I'm saying think carefully about why and how you'd be able to parent alone.

I am sorry you went through this. But there is no evidence that OP displays any tendencies of narcissism. So it's likely she is well qualified to raise a child by herself.

On the alternative scenario where OP is narcissist, then by having a nice husband to raise children with her -- this action alone not going to make her less narcissist. She may still foster a terrible relationship with the child where resentment brews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

I’m the PP who wrote that I’m estranged from my mother. My mother is a narcissist who thinks that just because she birthed me that she is entitled to my money and resources. She actually wasn’t a good mother at all and I really had no one to advocate for me growing up. But all she thinks is if I hadn’t given birth to you, you couldn’t have to gone on to college. So she is emotionally disturbed and yes, I resent her. It takes money to survive in this world so resources do count. I moved to another country where she’ll never find me and my life is for the better.

PP, I am sorry you grew up with a narcissistic parent, but surely you recognize that this also happens to many kids who are not raised by single moms? You may believe if she had been married that a dad would have rescued you, but rationally, that is not necessarily the case.

It is tough to grow up in a world where you see other people have more money than you do, but that happens to a lot of people, single mom or two parent families. I hope you are seeing a therapist who is helping you learn to communicate and set boundaries.

Why do I need to see anyone when I have refused to speak with or meet the woman for 10+ years? That's my boundary right there and my communicating that I don't want anything to do with her. My mother shouldn't have had a child period. I'm not saying no one should have children. I'm saying think carefully about why and how you'd be able to parent alone.

I am sorry you went through this. But there is no evidence that OP displays any tendencies of narcissism. So it's likely she is well qualified to raise a child by herself.

On the alternative scenario where OP is narcissist, then by having a nice husband to raise children with her -- this action alone not going to make her less narcissist. She may still foster a terrible relationship with the child where resentment brews.

Her situation has nothing to do with OP. Many women single or married are great mothers and are close to their children. Many people get divorced and it's hell for the kids having to go through a tug of war between the parents. This seems to be worse for children in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

I’m the PP who wrote that I’m estranged from my mother. My mother is a narcissist who thinks that just because she birthed me that she is entitled to my money and resources. She actually wasn’t a good mother at all and I really had no one to advocate for me growing up. But all she thinks is if I hadn’t given birth to you, you couldn’t have to gone on to college. So she is emotionally disturbed and yes, I resent her. It takes money to survive in this world so resources do count. I moved to another country where she’ll never find me and my life is for the better.

PP, I am sorry you grew up with a narcissistic parent, but surely you recognize that this also happens to many kids who are not raised by single moms? You may believe if she had been married that a dad would have rescued you, but rationally, that is not necessarily the case.

It is tough to grow up in a world where you see other people have more money than you do, but that happens to a lot of people, single mom or two parent families. I hope you are seeing a therapist who is helping you learn to communicate and set boundaries.

Why do I need to see anyone when I have refused to speak with or meet the woman for 10+ years? That's my boundary right there and my communicating that I don't want anything to do with her. My mother shouldn't have had a child period. I'm not saying no one should have children. I'm saying think carefully about why and how you'd be able to parent alone.

I suggested seeing a therapist because you still seem quite angry even though you haven’t seen this woman for 10 years. And, because you felt you needed to move to another country to escape her, which suggests that you really didn’t have the skills at communicating and setting boundaries that would have given you less extreme choices. I am not saying you should see a therapist so you can see your Mom again, just that your post indicates you could probably benefit from therapy to process your situation beyond just the “ I escaped to another country in order not to see her, so I’m fine” stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

I’m the PP who wrote that I’m estranged from my mother. My mother is a narcissist who thinks that just because she birthed me that she is entitled to my money and resources. She actually wasn’t a good mother at all and I really had no one to advocate for me growing up. But all she thinks is if I hadn’t given birth to you, you couldn’t have to gone on to college. So she is emotionally disturbed and yes, I resent her. It takes money to survive in this world so resources do count. I moved to another country where she’ll never find me and my life is for the better.

PP, I am sorry you grew up with a narcissistic parent, but surely you recognize that this also happens to many kids who are not raised by single moms? You may believe if she had been married that a dad would have rescued you, but rationally, that is not necessarily the case.

It is tough to grow up in a world where you see other people have more money than you do, but that happens to a lot of people, single mom or two parent families. I hope you are seeing a therapist who is helping you learn to communicate and set boundaries.

Why do I need to see anyone when I have refused to speak with or meet the woman for 10+ years? That's my boundary right there and my communicating that I don't want anything to do with her. My mother shouldn't have had a child period. I'm not saying no one should have children. I'm saying think carefully about why and how you'd be able to parent alone.

I suggested seeing a therapist because you still seem quite angry even though you haven’t seen this woman for 10 years. And, because you felt you needed to move to another country to escape her, which suggests that you really didn’t have the skills at communicating and setting boundaries that would have given you less extreme choices. I am not saying you should see a therapist so you can see your Mom again, just that your post indicates you could probably benefit from therapy to process your situation beyond just the “ I escaped to another country in order not to see her, so I’m fine” stage.

Of course I'm angry. This woman keeps on getting people she knows to email me to contact her. I just got one this morning and clicked 'Delete'. I don't think you know people like my mother who won't take no for an answer. Having "skills at communicating and setting boundaries" didn't prevent her from stalking me or harrassing me for money. I just don't want to deal with her and short of doing anything to her, I rather remove myself from any contact. It's called going no contact.

[Anonymous]

Ugh if you do the no birth control thing you will have to deal with visitation and custody with this guy. Men get pissy when they're divorced and they often use kids as a way to hurt their exes even when they don't actually want the kid.

But maybe that's too cynical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh if you do the no birth control thing you will have to deal with visitation and custody with this guy. Men get pissy when they're divorced and they often use kids as a way to hurt their exes even when they don't actually want the kid.

But maybe that's too cynical.

Most fight for custody but it's really to lower child support.