When do you leave a husband who is not serious about my ticking biological clock?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me, My wife and I we’re going on happily, I never said I didn’t want kids I said I was open to the idea but I really want them.

We had fertility issues which kind of focused her on it even more, after a year of treatment she was pregnant. I never had or understood the drive to have a kid, any time I saw them it wasn’t really at all attractive; my experience with children was hearing them scream in restaurants, seeing my friends who had them become really lame and boring or watching them be obnoxious to their parents.

Before we started fertility treatments my wife gave me an ultimatum, she said that she wanted this and it was pretty much nonnegotiable, I responded that I’m not dying for this but I’m open to it if it happens.

Fast forward and I’ve got a 17, 15 and 12-year-old, they are devoid of appreciation for anything, lazy, messy and are huge barriers to our intimate life, however I couldn’t love them any more than I do.

Of all my friends only one couldn’t wait to have kids and he is divorced From an absolute monster of a woman who he has the unfortunate task of coparenting with, the rest of us could honestly take them or leave them but seem to be doing pretty good jobs of being dads.

I obviously don’t know your husband or how he responds to extortion but sometimes we need a kick in the ass to get things moving.

Np: Wow this is such a real and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing!

You think this is beautiful? This guy says he can take or leave being a parent. He resents his children for not being appreciative enough, and interfering with his sex life. He sounds extremely immature and selfish. If your husband is like him, do leave him please.

He didn't say he could take it or leave it NOW. He said that's how he felt before his actual children existed. He also did not say he resents them. He pointed out that they (like all teens/tweens) have some really negative qualities that can make them hard to love and yet, he could not love them more. His point is not every guy is just dying to have kids but most end up loving the heck out of their children and doing a good job of parenting them.

I was the PP you helped clarify; thanks.

I love my children, they are my every other thought but was i dying to have them when I was 28? Absolutely not!
At that point in my life all I knew of babies was they looked like a monumental pain in the ass and I wanted nothing to do with it; screaming in restaurants, crying so loud on the Delta shuttle my ears would ring for hours after my flight, constantly running noses, crapped pants, diapers, throwing up, if you think about it little kids are disgusting and why would anyone ever want one? I’m not speaking for every man but of the dozen I was close friends with through high school, college and my early 30s no one except for one was looking forward to being a father.

Good decent people develop love, compassion and very quickly develop bonds with the things they thought they would despise. Although this isn’t an exact parallel think about how many times you’ve heard of someone in the house not wanting a pet but fast forward a year or so they are madly in love with the dog or cat that they didn’t want but turn out to be better caregivers than the person who actually wanted the pet to begin with.

To the OP; think long and hard about your guy, if he is honest, giving and compassionate with the people in his life and especially animals chances are he’ll make a pretty decent dad, if he generally has a low opinion of everyone and would drive past a dog limping on the side of the road then this might not be the guy you hijack into parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

There is no such thing as happy accidents when people are not interested in having kids. You are gross.

No, it's gross to marry someone who wants kids when you don't. I'm childfree and I think it's despicable to deceive people. Deception begets deception.

Completely agree. I’d absolutely stop using BC and not tell him.

This is disgusting. Do you have no morals or ethics? Just as it's not OK for a guy to slip off his condom secretly it is NOT OK to stop taking BC without telling your partner. Vile disgusting advice.

If you corner a women to her fertility deadline, this is what's going to happen.

Same the other way around.

If someone dragged me past my child rearing age, he better be watching out for some criminal activities.

No. I would rather die alone and childless than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

NO! You do NOT do this. It’s horrible. Find someone else who wants a child or have one alone but you do NOT trick someone into a lifelong obligation.

+1. This is the worst. It truly is. It will end in divorce. It is the worst thing you can do to a person.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be fine to "accidentally" get pregnant; it's probably divorce either way, but this way you will have the child you want.

Your dh dragging you through til you go into menopause and have no option of a biological child is even worse.

I would even let him know you are stopping all birth control, and then he has a choice whether he has sex with you or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be fine to "accidentally" get pregnant; it's probably divorce either way, but this way you will have the child you want.

Your dh dragging you through til you go into menopause and have no option of a biological child is even worse.

I would even let him know you are stopping all birth control, and then he has a choice whether he has sex with you or not.

This is really selfish advice! Don't bring a child into the world like this. Children aren't your vanity project.

[Anonymous]

Age 32.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

I am a thread hijacker. I grow up with limited resources as well, but it wasn't due to we actually had no resource. It was that my parents were willing to send $$$$ to my cousins, while let me wear the same sweatshirt from Walmart every day for entire high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be fine to "accidentally" get pregnant; it's probably divorce either way, but this way you will have the child you want.

Your dh dragging you through til you go into menopause and have no option of a biological child is even worse.

I would even let him know you are stopping all birth control, and then he has a choice whether he has sex with you or not.

This is really selfish advice! Don't bring a child into the world like this. Children aren't your vanity project.

Are we a little strict on a woman who simply want to have a child of her own? she is not supposed to have her spouse' child because he is not ready; she is not supposed to give ultimatum; she is not supposed to get donation because the child is not a vanity project.

What exactly are women allowed to do nowadays? seems nothing.

Well I guess they are allowed to offer housekeeping and sex while bringing home salaries and ask nothing in return, and die alone.

[Anonymous]

Walk now. Maybe you meet someone else and have a baby - maybe it’s too late. But if you stay and don’t get a baby you’ll regret it. If you have a baby and divorce later because you eventually get tired of financial drama, that will suck too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be fine to "accidentally" get pregnant; it's probably divorce either way, but this way you will have the child you want.

Your dh dragging you through til you go into menopause and have no option of a biological child is even worse.

I would even let him know you are stopping all birth control, and then he has a choice whether he has sex with you or not.

This is really selfish advice! Don't bring a child into the world like this. Children aren't your vanity project.

Are we a little strict on a woman who simply want to have a child of her own? she is not supposed to have her spouse' child because he is not ready; she is not supposed to give ultimatum; she is not supposed to get donation because the child is not a vanity project.

What exactly are women allowed to do nowadays? seems nothing.

Well I guess they are allowed to offer housekeeping and sex while bringing home salaries and ask nothing in return, and die alone.

We will all die alone, children or not. It’s better that she finds another partner to have a child with than just be a single mom by choice. If she dies, who is going to bring up her kid? Foster care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what to do OP, assuming you have a job and can possibly do this on your own:

Go ahead with the ultimatum, recognizing that the purpose of an ultimatum is not to coerce the guy into having a kid. Be clear to him on that. Instead, it is so that YOU can have clarity and knowledge to make a decision to stay or leave.

If he makes it clear that he isn’t interested, go ahead and walk. Get pregnant using a donor. Move into a cheap apartment so that you can cover the daycare expenses and hopefully save up a down payment. Once the kid reaches kindergarten age, that is when you and your kid move into a condo or TH in a reasonably good school district. (This assumes you are in DC or some other area where a SFH is not doable on a single income.) I have friends who are single moms by choice, one and done, and very happy.

If you are able to support yourself and your child then go for it. Being a single mom is WAY easier than coparenting with a man-child or man who does not want to parent. Ask me how I know.

No one I know who is a single mom by choice regrets it and I know at least 10. But I know many more women who really regret that they did not have a baby or adopt when they were in their 30s or early 40s.

Men really don’t seem to feel the same absence. At least not American men.

My mom is a single mom by choice and I resent her and haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I honestly think she was selfish to get pregnant with me and I’m childfree by choice. So think carefully if you want to bring a child into this world and raise him or her with less resources. To the PP, I think the women you say regret not having a baby are looking for elder care and are anxious about being alone in old age. Guess what? Having a baby doesn’t mean anyone will care about them in old age. It’s easy to be wistful.

Curious what you resent about your childhood. Many children with 2 parents also grow up with “less” resources than others. Sounds like you are just really materialistic and self centered. Maybe there were some other things you aren’t going to tell us on here but merely having “less” resources is a terrible reason to resent a parent.

I’m the PP who wrote that I’m estranged from my mother. My mother is a narcissist who thinks that just because she birthed me that she is entitled to my money and resources. She actually wasn’t a good mother at all and I really had no one to advocate for me growing up. But all she thinks is if I hadn’t given birth to you, you couldn’t have to gone on to college. So she is emotionally disturbed and yes, I resent her. It takes money to survive in this world so resources do count. I moved to another country where she’ll never find me and my life is for the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy accident. Marrying a woman under the understanding that you'll have children = you can't be shocked when she stops using BC.

There is no such thing as happy accidents when people are not interested in having kids. You are gross.

No, it's gross to marry someone who wants kids when you don't. I'm childfree and I think it's despicable to deceive people. Deception begets deception.

Completely agree. I’d absolutely stop using BC and not tell him.

Not all men who don't want kids are fools and "finish" inside their partners. Glad you think you're so smart, now thing on those who are smarter than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that is worthy of an ultimatum. You should not have one ounce of guilt for wanting to have children. Unlike other marital issues that can happen whether you're in your 20's or your 50's, having kids definitely has a ticking clock. That is definitely a deal breaker not wanting to have children and is reason enough to quit the marriage.

Plus with his degree of verbal communication problems, raising a kid with him would be hell.
Two good reasons to walk and not look back. He doesn’t want a kid and he’s a bad life partner.