Seeing OPP (other people’s parenting) up close

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok only 3.5 more days to go! They leave Tuesday mid day.

A lot of the suggestions here seem to be along the lines of trying to “help” my sister be better. I’m telling you it’s not possible. The only way to have a relationship with her is to play by her rules (she once cut me off for 5 years, I’ve only been back in her good graces for the last 2 years).

I fully accept that it is what it is and I’m a firm believer that, unless someone’s doing something that CPS needs to know about, then they get to do whatever they want with their kids.

I think I’m just trying to figure out how to survive the next 80 hours (not that anyone’s counting haha.....). I like the suggestions of just doing my own thing with my own kids.

Her DH is just a shell of a human. He’s miserable. He does whatever she says. I don’t think he agrees with her (or at least not to the extremes she goes to), but he does whatever she says. I actually have very little direct interaction with him as she doesn’t like him coordinating plans without her being present.

Part of what’s making things hard is just being around my sis and her DH and the way they are just constantly fighting and screaming at their kids. Like they are all sweet and “ok baby” to each other but then they run out of patience and lose their sh1t on each other or their kids 10 times a day.

OK then I guess you’re different than I am because I’m not going to be held hostage in order to have a relationship with someone. That’s not a relationship that’s a hostage situation. And no one gets to come in my house and inflict unreasonable expectations and negativity and I just keep my mouth shut or else they’re going to decide they won’t speak to me. That’s being an emotional bully so I don’t even know why bother posting if you don’t want any real suggestions. Your sister has issues whatever they are anxiety OCD 80 HD whatever it is she has something that needs to be treated. I feel so sorry for her kids because they aren’t getting what they need and she’s inflicting emotional trauma on them in the way that she’s dealing with them that shit is crazy.
And her husband is a co-conspirator if he goes along with that bullshit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Figure out how many days you can handle being around her in a row. Next time only invite them for that amount of time (or just agree to meet them somewhere else and have your own hotel/rental house and don't worry about coordinating meals. It is a shame, but not everybody can be around family 24/7.

I wouldn't bother giving advice. MYOB and figure out how to plan/set up boundaries so you can enjoy your time together next time.

+1. Just limit your visits. It really doesn't sound like any of you are having any fun. And no, don't comment on her parenting or her life. It will get nowhere.
I also wanted to say, don't judge people based on how they are travelling, but I guess it's different since she said this is "smoother than at home."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t give her advice, but I would ask questions. I’d ask her why she chooses to do all that she does, and really listen. I bet she’s never really heard herself seriously explain all her decisions out loud, because she’s so busy being defensive.

Geez, why. No way asking a bunch of questions will not sound judgmental, especially as OP is judging. Just set things up next time so their choices impact your life as little as possible and carry on.

Why ask Kristen’s because this heifer is allowing her crazy to negatively impact her family and her refusal to be considerate of others or hear and get wisdom from others means she’ll cut off people that’s not healthy that’s ignorant

[Anonymous]

Maybe because I’m a very Frank person, but there’s no way I could be close to somebody close enough that they come visit me and they’re doing all this and I don’t say anything find a way of saying it or broaching the subject that doesn’t sound mean but all the crazy can’t be impacting me and my kids and I’m not say anything. ESPECIALLY If that person threatens to not talk to you if they don’t like what you say that’s some bull crap right there.
I don’t do emotional blackmail.

[Anonymous]

I want to be sympathetic to OP’s sister and I do have my own fair share of parenting anxieties, but this is just WAAAYYYY over the top. We should all be respectful of others’ parenting choices, sure. But as these kids get older, the results of these parenting choices become evident in kids that are so coddled and controlled that they can’t function as young adults or make healthy choices for themselves. They can’t soothe themselves back to sleep at 4 and 6 years old? Wait until they’re in school full time and they’re a wreck to be dealt with by their teachers. They can only eat organic with no exception? Great, but wait until they’re at a birthday party for a friend and mom is running behind them with a fork full of organic applesauce. They won’t ALLOW a babysitter? That’s the best one by far. We had no family in the area when my son was much younger but leaving him for short periods of time was critical to foster a bit of independence. Who are the parents in this situation if the kids are calling all the shots?

Again, I’m all for being sympathetic to a different method of parenting, but this isn’t simply a difference in approach to raising kids. This is complete and unhealthy control that will affect their kids’ ability to grow as independent young adults. I feel for the kids because they will begin to notice this soon enough.

[Anonymous]

You may have addressed this and I didn't see it ... where is her husband (your BIL?) in all of this? From my reading it sounds like she is coping with her anxiety through highly controlling behavior of herself and the kids. Is her husband enabling this, just blindly doing what she says to keep the peace, or is he controlling her because he also has anxiety?

If it is the first two, have you tried talking to him about her anxiety and ways to reduce it? Have you suggested that he accompany her on her next OB visit and discuss the anxiety with her doctor? Would he be willing to let YOU accompany her on her next OB visit to talk to her doctor OR would he tell you the name of her OB so that you can write a letter to him to tell him of your concerns?

Here is my point: as upsetting as it is to see this happening to your sister, it must be even more upsetting to realize that her behaviors are negatively impacting the lives of her three children and THAT is extremely concerning. She is modeling behaviors that they are acquiring because they think that is what they're supposed to do.

You sound like a good person. I know it is hard to take action and you don't want to alienate your sister or her husband. Yet it sounds like they have a very unhealthy living environment. Is there anyone else, like your parents or a trusted church member or trusted elders in your family, who can help you help your sister? Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just start leaving the house and letting her stay behind. Order pizza for your kids so you don’t have to share the kitchen and then never, ever have a visit this long again.

I would do the same. Remove yourself from the situation by making up errands and last minute outdoor playdates. Your sister can live her life as she pleases but taking over your kitchen and insisting that your family abide her rules is too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok only 3.5 more days to go! They leave Tuesday mid day.

A lot of the suggestions here seem to be along the lines of trying to “help” my sister be better. I’m telling you it’s not possible. The only way to have a relationship with her is to play by her rules (she once cut me off for 5 years, I’ve only been back in her good graces for the last 2 years).

I fully accept that it is what it is and I’m a firm believer that, unless someone’s doing something that CPS needs to know about, then they get to do whatever they want with their kids.

I think I’m just trying to figure out how to survive the next 80 hours (not that anyone’s counting haha.....). I like the suggestions of just doing my own thing with my own kids.

Her DH is just a shell of a human. He’s miserable. He does whatever she says. I don’t think he agrees with her (or at least not to the extremes she goes to), but he does whatever she says. I actually have very little direct interaction with him as she doesn’t like him coordinating plans without her being present.

Part of what’s making things hard is just being around my sis and her DH and the way they are just constantly fighting and screaming at their kids. Like they are all sweet and “ok baby” to each other but then they run out of patience and lose their sh1t on each other or their kids 10 times a day.

Seriously, where is your self-respect? Why did you allow this? Why are you tippy-tapping around her (she cut you off for five YEARS and you just let her stroll back on into your life and then you worry about whether or not you're in her "good graces?" WTF?)? She sounds manipulative.

I don't say that to be harsh, OP, but to say that you deserve better, and chances are good that if she's this disordered, there's some part of genetic component of it and/or significant issues in your upbringing, and they could be affecting you too, even if you don't realize it. Also, you don't have to eat sh*t from people just because you happen to share DNA. Set some firm boundaries for yourself and your family that this will be the last time you ever allow this in your home.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I guess I am a bit of a doormat. But trying to talk to my sister even about small things, even putting down small boundaries results in extreme tension. It’s easier to just do whatever she wants. I can either have her in my life by going along or she will stop talking to me again for several years.

The latest thing drama this morning was she wanted to go for a hike to a waterfall. We live in Arizona. It’s 98 degrees here today. I told her that I’m totally game, but it’s the sort of thing we need to plan the night before and we need to be in the car driving before 8 AM (by 10 it’s already in the 90s). She got super defensive and said that because she has 3 kids and I only have 2 that I have no idea how hard that is for them to get out that early.

This isn’t a matter of my preferences around timing-it’s about safety. We have little kids. Her family is unable to get out the door before 11 am but by then it’s too late to do anything out in the desert.

I told her-you can take my car, and use my membership to get into the park, and there’s no bad feelings, but I just cannot go unless we are on the road by 8. And she stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me the rest of the day. She left with her kids and went somewhere. No complaints here!!

[Anonymous]

Op here. Her husband totally enables her and goes along. I don’t think he shares her beliefs but I’m
Not sure. She really works hard to prevent him from being alone with any of us and doesn’t like us having conversations with him when she’s not present. He’s very passive. He seems very miserable.

I would offer to babysit but her kids are scared of me (and anyone not their parents) and have never been watched by anyone except my sister and BIL. Her kids refuse to look at me or acknowledge me other than to occasionally demand things that my sister said they cannot have. I’d like to get to know them better and build a relationship with them but we live far apart from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I guess I am a bit of a doormat. But trying to talk to my sister even about small things, even putting down small boundaries results in extreme tension. It’s easier to just do whatever she wants. I can either have her in my life by going along or she will stop talking to me again for several years.

The latest thing drama this morning was she wanted to go for a hike to a waterfall. We live in Arizona. It’s 98 degrees here today. I told her that I’m totally game, but it’s the sort of thing we need to plan the night before and we need to be in the car driving before 8 AM (by 10 it’s already in the 90s). She got super defensive and said that because she has 3 kids and I only have 2 that I have no idea how hard that is for them to get out that early.

This isn’t a matter of my preferences around timing-it’s about safety. We have little kids. Her family is unable to get out the door before 11 am but by then it’s too late to do anything out in the desert.

I told her-you can take my car, and use my membership to get into the park, and there’s no bad feelings, but I just cannot go unless we are on the road by 8. And she stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me the rest of the day. She left with her kids and went somewhere. No complaints here!!

Tell her to kiss your bee-hind. Stop giving into her. Good for you if she stops talking to you. Who wants that kind of one sided emotionally abusive relationship. A big part of her issue is all the people who give in to her.
One day someone is going to cuss her out. She sounds insufferable and I feel for her kids that no one is standing up for them.

[Anonymous]

Is this a troll?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a controlling sister but she’s not at your sister’s level. That said, I don’t like seeing her (because she tries to control everything) and I don’t even really talk to her on the phone (because she’s not someone I can talk to about real issues). As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that I don’t have to deal with her if I don’t want to. I only see her every few years when we get together as a family and even then it’s really hard because a) she tries to control everything and b) I see how she is with her lovely kids (they’re going to need a lot of therapy). I love those kids and want to save them from her (and her husband for that matter), but I can’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ok only 3.5 more days to go! They leave Tuesday mid day.

A lot of the suggestions here seem to be along the lines of trying to “help” my sister be better. I’m telling you it’s not possible. The only way to have a relationship with her is to play by her rules (she once cut me off for 5 years, I’ve only been back in her good graces for the last 2 years).

I fully accept that it is what it is and I’m a firm believer that, unless someone’s doing something that CPS needs to know about, then they get to do whatever they want with their kids.

I think I’m just trying to figure out how to survive the next 80 hours (not that anyone’s counting haha.....). I like the suggestions of just doing my own thing with my own kids.

Her DH is just a shell of a human. He’s miserable. He does whatever she says. I don’t think he agrees with her (or at least not to the extremes she goes to), but he does whatever she says. I actually have very little direct interaction with him as she doesn’t like him coordinating plans without her being present.

Part of what’s making things hard is just being around my sis and her DH and the way they are just constantly fighting and screaming at their kids. Like they are all sweet and “ok baby” to each other but then they run out of patience and lose their sh1t on each other or their kids 10 times a day.

OK then I guess you’re different than I am because I’m not going to be held hostage in order to have a relationship with someone. That’s not a relationship that’s a hostage situation. And no one gets to come in my house and inflict unreasonable expectations and negativity and I just keep my mouth shut or else they’re going to decide they won’t speak to me. That’s being an emotional bully so I don’t even know why bother posting if you don’t want any real suggestions. Your sister has issues whatever they are anxiety OCD 80 HD whatever it is she has something that needs to be treated. I feel so sorry for her kids because they aren’t getting what they need and she’s inflicting emotional trauma on them in the way that she’s dealing with them that shit is crazy.
And her husband is a co-conspirator if he goes along with that bullshit

+1

The DH is beaten down OP. I know someone like this, and it is really difficult to watch. The wife doesn't do anything, just goes to one of those tanning places, basically. If something happens to the DH, it will be the wife and she will probably move her mother in, which would be two times the misery. Terrible for everyone involved, because the wife brings nothing to the table but control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just start leaving the house and letting her stay behind. Order pizza for your kids so you don’t have to share the kitchen and then never, ever have a visit this long again.

I would do the same. Remove yourself from the situation by making up errands and last minute outdoor playdates. Your sister can live her life as she pleases but taking over your kitchen and insisting that your family abide her rules is too much.

+1