Seeing OPP (other people’s parenting) up close

[Anonymous]

This cannot be real? Is her 6 year old in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I guess I am a bit of a doormat. But trying to talk to my sister even about small things, even putting down small boundaries results in extreme tension. It’s easier to just do whatever she wants. I can either have her in my life by going along or she will stop talking to me again for several years.

The latest thing drama this morning was she wanted to go for a hike to a waterfall. We live in Arizona. It’s 98 degrees here today. I told her that I’m totally game, but it’s the sort of thing we need to plan the night before and we need to be in the car driving before 8 AM (by 10 it’s already in the 90s). She got super defensive and said that because she has 3 kids and I only have 2 that I have no idea how hard that is for them to get out that early.

This isn’t a matter of my preferences around timing-it’s about safety. We have little kids. Her family is unable to get out the door before 11 am but by then it’s too late to do anything out in the desert.

I told her-you can take my car, and use my membership to get into the park, and there’s no bad feelings, but I just cannot go unless we are on the road by 8. And she stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me the rest of the day. She left with her kids and went somewhere. No complaints here!!

OP, seriously. You deserve better. You don't need a relationship with someone like this...and you aren't modeling anything good for your family. I have a shitty relative I put up with until she started in on my kid...and then I nipped it in the bud and explained to my kid that he wasn't the asshole...Grandma was a jerk with a mental illness (two separate issues).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just start leaving the house and letting her stay behind. Order pizza for your kids so you don’t have to share the kitchen and then never, ever have a visit this long again.

I would do the same. Remove yourself from the situation by making up errands and last minute outdoor playdates. Your sister can live her life as she pleases but taking over your kitchen and insisting that your family abide her rules is too much.

+1

+2. Please don't allow her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This cannot be real? Is her 6 year old in school?

Op here. She redshirted him. He starts kindergarten in the fall, though my prediction is it won’t stick and she’ll end up homeschooling him soon after the school year starts.

He’s never been in any kind of preschool, daycare, babysitter, etc so I worry his transition to
School might be tough.

[Anonymous]

God this is terrible abuse of her family. I hate to say it OP but your sister is abiding her husband and kids. She’s not a victim, she’s a controlling abuser. You need to be clear eyed about this.

[Anonymous]

*abusing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I guess I am a bit of a doormat. But trying to talk to my sister even about small things, even putting down small boundaries results in extreme tension. It’s easier to just do whatever she wants. I can either have her in my life by going along or she will stop talking to me again for several years.

The latest thing drama this morning was she wanted to go for a hike to a waterfall. We live in Arizona. It’s 98 degrees here today. I told her that I’m totally game, but it’s the sort of thing we need to plan the night before and we need to be in the car driving before 8 AM (by 10 it’s already in the 90s). She got super defensive and said that because she has 3 kids and I only have 2 that I have no idea how hard that is for them to get out that early.

This isn’t a matter of my preferences around timing-it’s about safety. We have little kids. Her family is unable to get out the door before 11 am but by then it’s too late to do anything out in the desert.

I told her-you can take my car, and use my membership to get into the park, and there’s no bad feelings, but I just cannot go unless we are on the road by 8. And she stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me the rest of the day. She left with her kids and went somewhere. No complaints here!!

Uh, you don't read as a doormat here. You read as an instigator. Interesting. The more you post the more it sounds like your sister isn't really the problem.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for everyone who has chimed in. This thread is helping me get through!

Just 50something hours to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I guess I am a bit of a doormat. But trying to talk to my sister even about small things, even putting down small boundaries results in extreme tension. It’s easier to just do whatever she wants. I can either have her in my life by going along or she will stop talking to me again for several years.

The latest thing drama this morning was she wanted to go for a hike to a waterfall. We live in Arizona. It’s 98 degrees here today. I told her that I’m totally game, but it’s the sort of thing we need to plan the night before and we need to be in the car driving before 8 AM (by 10 it’s already in the 90s). She got super defensive and said that because she has 3 kids and I only have 2 that I have no idea how hard that is for them to get out that early.

This isn’t a matter of my preferences around timing-it’s about safety. We have little kids. Her family is unable to get out the door before 11 am but by then it’s too late to do anything out in the desert.

I told her-you can take my car, and use my membership to get into the park, and there’s no bad feelings, but I just cannot go unless we are on the road by 8. And she stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me the rest of the day. She left with her kids and went somewhere. No complaints here!!

Uh, you don't read as a doormat here. You read as an instigator. Interesting. The more you post the more it sounds like your sister isn't really the problem.

Op here. Instigating how?

[Anonymous]

^^Ignore that poster, OP. Your stance re hiking in that heat is extremely reasonable. I do share other’s confusion about why you actually want to maintain a relationship with your sister, though. Was she a nice person to be around in the past? Hard to imagine she was functional before given the nightmare you are describing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Ignore that poster, OP. Your stance re hiking in that heat is extremely reasonable. I do share other’s confusion about why you actually want to maintain a relationship with your sister, though. Was she a nice person to be around in the past? Hard to imagine she was functional before given the nightmare you are describing here.

Op here. I think I’ve just been slow to accept the situation. And we live far apart from each other.

I think one other aspect of this, if anyone is familiar with dysfunctional families, is our mother has narcissistic personality disorder. My sister is the golden child and I’m the scape goat. I’m estranged from my mother and was also estranged from my sister for several years.

Sister and mom had a falling out a couple of years ago. I sort of thought that maybe things in the family dynamic with my sister could shift because of that.

[Anonymous]

Get her out of your house. “Sis, I’m really sorry, but this just isn’t working for us. We booked you this hotel, it comes highly recommended and we will all be able to get some rest.”

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I am the PP that said your sister is abusing her family (probably a consequence of her untreated mental illness). The fact that your mother had NPD make this make so much sense. I’m very concerned though that you made this attempt with someone who is so messed up. You need to do some reflection and shift your thinking about why you would engage with her on this level. Seems desperate, and I get it, but you need boundaries until she is better or gets treatment. Just focus on your kids and family. The most important thing you can do to keep this awful pattern from repeating.

[Anonymous]

OP - sounds awful and that your sister has mental illness.

I have a sibling with mental illness and it's awful. I do still try to have a relationship with him but I have rules. We don't ever stay under the same roof - if we have to travel together, it's hotels, not a house.

We don't invite him to stay at our house (which is easy since he also doesn't ask to come) and when we visit him we stay in a hotel.

I call him and text, but when he starts to go crazy, I take a mental health break for myself.

His parenting is crazy too and I don't interfere. But when he yells at his kids, I leave with mine - they don't need that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her out of your house. “Sis, I’m really sorry, but this just isn’t working for us. We booked you this hotel, it comes highly recommended and we will all be able to get some rest.”

Op here. Currently very worried as their youngest is sick with a fever. They are taking him to urgent care. Just praying it’s not COVID because then they will have to isolate for 10 days and won’t be able to fly home on Tuesday as planned.

Would it be awful to get them an Airbnb if he’s positive Instead of having them stay here? Or does that make me a jerk? About to have an emergency session with my counselor to talk through all this as I’m kinda freaking out inside. I just hope it’s some virus and not Covid. Or maybe they’d end up driving home? Ugh. This is terrible for them (and for me).