Seeing OPP (other people’s parenting) up close

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks again to everyone who responded. I’m reading Not Nice and hoping to get better at navigating these kinds of things.

I heard not one word from my sister since they left. We’d normally be in touch a couple times a week.

When she did finally reach out, we chatted and she literally acted as if the entire trip just didn’t happen. Not one reference to it, no thanks, no “we had so much fun”, etc. I think in her mind the trip was a disaster, even though I don’t exactly know why. I know she had sick kids but in the end it turned out to just be colds/ear infections which always happen when we’ve traveled, and we did end up doing all the things on her list of activities.

I wish I could just let this go but have been running the week over in my mind for weeks. Just why did it go so badly, what could I have done, why is it so hard.

Ultimately I guess it’s useful that I learned my lesson but I’m still kind of bitter about all the money I spent on the visit (food, baby gear, activity tickets, alcohol for them, etc.) and the leave I burned.

Then say something to her !

Truth ^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Ignore that poster, OP. Your stance re hiking in that heat is extremely reasonable. I do share other’s confusion about why you actually want to maintain a relationship with your sister, though. Was she a nice person to be around in the past? Hard to imagine she was functional before given the nightmare you are describing here.

More than reasonable. We’re in AZ too and were more like on the road between 6-7am to hike. Heat stroke is real and our humidity is low so you never see it coming. For someone obsessed with safety, taking little kids hiking in the desert at noon is next level stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op here. Yeah I had my sis walk me through a typical night. They also are unwilling to use night pull ups, and their 4 and 6 yo both wet the bed most nights so they are changing bedding in the middle of the night. Also the kids apparently each also wake up at least once a night and need comforting. So between the nursing, pee accidents, comforting, and sippy milk runs for the older kids, it’s basically every 45-90 minutes they are all up every single night.

Also none of her kids nap, so she doesn’t get a break at nap time either.

This is insane. 6yo wetting bed as a regular thing?! Pls talk with her; she needs some solid parenting advice. I am sorry you have to go through it.

6 yr old wetting bed is psychosomatics, i know most people don't believe in it. Because the mom is so controlling, but she can't make the kid stop wetting at night, that's her/his way of fighting her control.

[Anonymous]

your sister seems completely insane but you seem strange too. on one hand you go way overboard in accommodating her (I have good relationships with my siblings and I would do maybe 20% of what you did for your sister) but at the same time, you seem very judgmental, noticing everything, too happy to trash her here for 10+ pages, constantly adding ever more preposterous elements (now you paid their plane tickets.. ok?). it just doesn't compute somehow. either your are not being honest or there is this very unhealthy gap between what you think about your sister and what you are doing for her. it's would be like somebody saying, oh, my friend is the worst person ever, and i willed her my whole inheritance. most people do stuff for people they like, at least a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your sister seems completely insane but you seem strange too. on one hand you go way overboard in accommodating her (I have good relationships with my siblings and I would do maybe 20% of what you did for your sister) but at the same time, you seem very judgmental, noticing everything, too happy to trash her here for 10+ pages, constantly adding ever more preposterous elements (now you paid their plane tickets.. ok?). it just doesn't compute somehow. either your are not being honest or there is this very unhealthy gap between what you think about your sister and what you are doing for her. it's would be like somebody saying, oh, my friend is the worst person ever, and i willed her my whole inheritance. most people do stuff for people they like, at least a little.

Op here. I think there is a disconnect in how I feel about her and how I treat her, yes, you’re totally right. The trip brought a lot of things to a head for me. My sister did some really hurtful things to me several years back, things that she has not acknowledged or apologized for. We were estranged for years and I was very sad about that and I missed her. Getting her back into my life took a lot of effort and is what I thought I wanted. So I think that was part of my effort-I was trying to win her over and also show her that I’m a good, functional, successful person.

Obviously the whole visit showed me that while my sister has her issues, my way of engaging with her is not healthy either. I’m taking a huge step back. There’s no need for us to be estranged again or to have a big drama about it, but I don’t view it as a genuine relationship and I can’t be myself around her. I’ll see her again if I happen to be in her city or if there’s some big milestone reason, and I’ll send birthday gifts to her kids and text now and then. But that’s about as much as I’m up for at this point. I’ll definitely never spend a week with her ever again or have her in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your sister seems completely insane but you seem strange too. on one hand you go way overboard in accommodating her (I have good relationships with my siblings and I would do maybe 20% of what you did for your sister) but at the same time, you seem very judgmental, noticing everything, too happy to trash her here for 10+ pages, constantly adding ever more preposterous elements (now you paid their plane tickets.. ok?). it just doesn't compute somehow. either your are not being honest or there is this very unhealthy gap between what you think about your sister and what you are doing for her. it's would be like somebody saying, oh, my friend is the worst person ever, and i willed her my whole inheritance. most people do stuff for people they like, at least a little.

Op here. I think there is a disconnect in how I feel about her and how I treat her, yes, you’re totally right. The trip brought a lot of things to a head for me. My sister did some really hurtful things to me several years back, things that she has not acknowledged or apologized for. We were estranged for years and I was very sad about that and I missed her. Getting her back into my life took a lot of effort and is what I thought I wanted. So I think that was part of my effort-I was trying to win her over and also show her that I’m a good, functional, successful person.

Obviously the whole visit showed me that while my sister has her issues, my way of engaging with her is not healthy either. I’m taking a huge step back. There’s no need for us to be estranged again or to have a big drama about it, but I don’t view it as a genuine relationship and I can’t be myself around her. I’ll see her again if I happen to be in her city or if there’s some big milestone reason, and I’ll send birthday gifts to her kids and text now and then. But that’s about as much as I’m up for at this point. I’ll definitely never spend a week with her ever again or have her in my house.

OP, you are holding on to this relationship the way unhappy spouses hold onto a failed marriage for years, wasting energy. Hoping things will get better one day/the way it "used to be".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're not down with OPP, OP.

Op here. Love that you got the reference!

It was an awesome subject line!! Made me laugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks again to everyone who responded. I’m reading Not Nice and hoping to get better at navigating these kinds of things.

I heard not one word from my sister since they left. We’d normally be in touch a couple times a week.

When she did finally reach out, we chatted and she literally acted as if the entire trip just didn’t happen. Not one reference to it, no thanks, no “we had so much fun”, etc. I think in her mind the trip was a disaster, even though I don’t exactly know why. I know she had sick kids but in the end it turned out to just be colds/ear infections which always happen when we’ve traveled, and we did end up doing all the things on her list of activities.

I wish I could just let this go but have been running the week over in my mind for weeks. Just why did it go so badly, what could I have done, why is it so hard.

Ultimately I guess it’s useful that I learned my lesson but I’m still kind of bitter about all the money I spent on the visit (food, baby gear, activity tickets, alcohol for them, etc.) and the leave I burned.

NP here, I am not clear as to why you don’t know why she may have perceived the trip as a disaster. Look back at your own posts, you said she and they were miserable, not sleeping, kids were sick. You were unhappy and at points avoided her. You were counting down the hours until they left. It was a disaster. You cannot rewrite the narrative here, it lives on in dcum in real time. This may be an example of what previous posters pointed out to you regarding magical thinking and martyrdom. I just want to point this out to you as you seem to be engaging in some real self awareness work and I wish you the best.

By the way, your home sounds awesome and I would have had a great time (as long as you didn’t harbor negativity behind my back)

[Anonymous]

I know a family like this. The mom is die-hard Waldorf and attachment. They had a “family bed.” I remember when our oldests were toddlers she told a “funny” story about how mad she was she shook her kid. I had at that point hired a babysitter a couple times per week (we were both SAHMs) for some me-time and felt judged. But after that I figured, hey, I haven’t freaked out at my kid so I must be doing something right.

[Anonymous]

OP ....I had an upclose experience of OPP. My friend visited and brought some of her kids (DS 14 and DD10). The 10 yr old girl is a DREAM. Super sweet, fun, caring, great role model for my DD who is a bit younger.

Son is a moody teen. But the OPP is what killed us. Doting and spoiled the boy (& she is like this with all her boys) and the girl is completely IGNORED.

No playing, making sure she ate, dressed, showered, teeth. Nothing . All smothering to the boy. It was crazy