Seeing OPP (other people’s parenting) up close

[Anonymous]

My sister and brother in law are on vacation and staying in our house for the week. They have 3 kids-6, 4, and 2. I’ve never spent this much time with them and am for the first time seeing their parenting up close.
I know better than to offer advice. My question is more how do I avoid having their misery at their situation not affect me when they are in my house.

They quick summary is-they seem very unhappy. They are drowning. They make a lot of parenting choices that seem to make their lives very hard, but it’s like they are completely resigned to the misery and just trudging through with their heads down. I try to offer to help-not with advice but with just doing whatever they ask, and they hand over very small things but the load is too massive for it to help much.

Here’s some examples:
-they only eat whole, unprocessed, organic foods, including while on vacation. So no ordering pizza and I can’t even make spaghetti because my sister needs control over their food. Yesterday they went out for an activity in the morning and got back late. Her kids were melting down and sis is making this elaborate meal that entails a ton of chopping....in my kitchen which she doesn’t know. I jumped in and helped but was doing it all wrong, she had a very specific vision for this meal and I didn’t get it (quesadillas made with chickpeas....??)

-they have a lot of special water and milk bottles that can only be hand washed, and they use at least 5 each per day per family member (only one use allowed)....it’s just a lot of dishes

-they all cosleep in the same room (at home and here), but it’s an epic disaster every single night. None of them ever sleeps more than an hour or two at a time and every time one person is up, it wakes the others

-no one has ever been alone with their kids. They’ve never had an hour of childcare and say it’s because their kids “won’t accept it”.

Oh and my sis is pregnant too. I believe in the idea-whatever works for your family is what you should do and it’s not going to be universal. But their misery/despair is palpable and it’s so hard to see. They say things have actually been going a little more smoothly on this trip than at home, surprisingly since to me things seem to be going so badly.

How do I just not care? My sis was complaining about how exhausted she is and I just kept saying, yes it’s so hard, oh that’s so tough, oh wow that would be very frustrating (but in the back of my mind I’m like OMG why do you make these choices??).

[Anonymous]

Honestly I'd never host them this long again. You can't make pasta in your own home? Eff that. They made their bed and the only thing you can do is not witness it.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? They sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Stop inviting them over. My husband had friends like that. They'd cook for their family and block us from the kitchen so I'd have to run out to buy my child food as they wouldn't cook enough for everyone. I finally just took back MY kitchen and everything went smoothly. The drama stopped. I made breakfast and dinner for everyone. Kids asked for seconds, who typically barely eat and I stopped allowing them to control our family. You are right with the food/melting down kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? They sound insufferable.

Op here. Yes I have a 2 and a 4 year old

[Anonymous]

This is mental illness OP, I’m serious. Cosleeping with 3 kids? For whatever reason your sister has severe anxiety she’s trying to control with rigid rules for herself. I’m not sure what else you can do other than be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Yup, sorry OP, but the hosting for more than a day or two needs to end. They clearly think these things are important and worth the stress or they wouldn't do them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness OP, I’m serious. Cosleeping with 3 kids? For whatever reason your sister has severe anxiety she’s trying to control with rigid rules for herself. I’m not sure what else you can do other than be supportive.

This. If your sister is close enough to you where she can stay at your place for a week, you're close enough for an honest conversation with her. What she's doing will not be successful in the long run.

[Anonymous]

This sounds horrible. I have 3 young kids and I thought this was going to take a different direction.

Can you talk to her one on one and try and get a better feel for why she is putting herself through this misery? Do her friends do this? Does her husband insist on it? Has she always been so controlling? I think if you knew why this is happening you might be able to gently push back on some of her choices.

This sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Oh man, I was ready for this to be absurd to complain about but nope, OP, you are right. They are making their lives way too hard.

But the only thing you can do is not invite them back and say that your styles don't match.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is incredibly anxious and needs treatment. This isn’t about parenting, it is control.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP I feel for you - in your own home! Your house, your rules.

Your sister is bringing the crazy onto herself. Since you asked, I think she needs help. The psychological kind. My friends with 3+ kids tend to get overwhelmed, parenting that many kids is much, much more work than they ever expected. It manifests as anxiety, depression and control issues. YMMV.

She is your sister, hopefully you can talk to her about this. A friend might not be as receptive.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that what they are doing doesn't sound great, but if you try to give advice, I predict it will not go over well. Nobody wants other people telling them how to parent.

It's not entirely the same thing, but I got unsolicited advice about the food that I made for my kids when they were younger. Lots of opinions about how I was just making more work for myself by making them vegetables and trying to stay away from processed foods. I was fine with the occasional fast food and quick meal, but I didn't want that every day and according to these people I should have given them chicken nuggets every single day. Was I making it harder on myself? Yes. Did I think it was worth it? Yes, my kids got good nutrition and good eating habits. Did I want their unsoliciited opinions? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is incredibly anxious and needs treatment. This isn’t about parenting, it is control.

+1
She's also going to end up with a bunch of anxious children as a result. I'm sure she thinks they all have food allergies too. Does she also have strong opinions about homeschooling and vaccines?

I feel for you, OP, and agree that even gently confronting her about her apparently strongly held beliefs will do no good. She's probably complaining about you right now on something like www.organicmom.com (I made that up) about your kids having a juice box, their own bed, and some screen time.

[Anonymous]

I think the only thing you can do is comment on your sister and how she's doing, NOT on her parenting choices. So something like "It's been so good to see you. I'm a bit concerned though - you seem really anxious and stressed, and you get so little sleep. Is there anything I can do for you, beyond this week? Have you maybe considered talk to someone about your stress levels, like a therapist?"

Beyond that, help in the moment with what she needs is the best you can offer her. I'm sorry OP, that must be really hard to watch.