Issues with his exwife and how he handles her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a fully blended family. Two of our adult kids (step siblings) share an apartment. The kids are all very close. My DH’s ex was nuts when we got married 24 years ago. And she is still nuts. There is nothing magical about the kids turning 18. You’ll still be dealing with that crazy until one of you dies. Now it’s graduations, weddings, grandkids, and holiday visits instead of visitation.

My advise - Don’t add to the chaos. It’s not fair to the kids. You be the calm center in the storm. The kids will figure out who they can trust when they get older. I don’t push visits with the adult kids. I just tell them we are happy whenever they are able to be here. Stay above the need to control. Accept that she will be a part of your life for a very long time. If you can do that, you’ll be fine.

THIS is good advice.

+1

Mature response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

And sometimes the crazy is the reason she is an ex

This must be op. You sound so "snappy" and immature. Grow up. You are only reinforcing my impression that you are not a responsible parent to your own kids.
His kids and his ex, are clearly his priorities. Sad, that your kids can't say the same about you.

what the....no man should prioritize his EX.

I disagree with this. She's still the parent of his children. I'm married, but if I ever divorce then I would try to prioritize my ex's needs and work together as a team to raise our kids. I could easily see a scenario where the ex plans to take them on certain dates, but then something else comes up and those dates no longer work. Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?

Now that I'm writing it all out, one possibility is that OP's BF doesn't want to plan blended vacations with OP and the 6 kids and may be using his ex's schedule changes as an excuse to dodge it. The kids might be begging him not to make them go too. It would be a jerk move rather than just telling her if this is the case.

“ Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?”

Yes, of course! Those are her issues to solve now! He’s not responsible for covering for her if she has work travel or a sick relative to take care of. She needs to handle care for the kids during her custody time.

Any man who cancels a vacation with his current wife or girlfriend in order to cover for his ex’s work trip is going to find himself single pretty damn fast.

And I’m sure the ex wives would prefer their ex husbands be single, which is why some ex wives love trying to make life difficult for their exes and their current partners.

PP here. Admittedly, this is a first marriage for me and my husband, so no exes or kids from prior relationships. I guess I was thinking that you would still try to help cover childcare for each other when needed, because eventually both of you will need that flexibility. Not canceling a booked vacation, but moving dates around during planning to find a mutually convenient time. That's not how it works?

Some people do it this way, but some people *and some kids* prefer to just have the schedule be the schedule and not vary it very often. The schedule is designed the way it is for a reason.

It's important to wrap your head around the idea that they are no longer married. They are co-parenting the kid but they are no longer spouse-ing each other. His or her work or extended family obligations are not something the other has to go out of their way to accommodate. Can they of they want to? Sure. But people divorce in order to separate their lives from each other and don't like a constant flow of communication and favors back and forth. Sometimes it is easier to have some space. Especially if one person tends to ask for more flexibility than the other wants to give, or to not reciprocate. Good fences make good neighbors and all. And holding a man accountable for his parenting commitments and not catching his dropped balls is one of the best things about divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

And sometimes the crazy is the reason she is an ex

This must be op. You sound so "snappy" and immature. Grow up. You are only reinforcing my impression that you are not a responsible parent to your own kids.
His kids and his ex, are clearly his priorities. Sad, that your kids can't say the same about you.

what the....no man should prioritize his EX.

I disagree with this. She's still the parent of his children. I'm married, but if I ever divorce then I would try to prioritize my ex's needs and work together as a team to raise our kids. I could easily see a scenario where the ex plans to take them on certain dates, but then something else comes up and those dates no longer work. Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?

Now that I'm writing it all out, one possibility is that OP's BF doesn't want to plan blended vacations with OP and the 6 kids and may be using his ex's schedule changes as an excuse to dodge it. The kids might be begging him not to make them go too. It would be a jerk move rather than just telling her if this is the case.

“ Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?”

Yes, of course! Those are her issues to solve now! He’s not responsible for covering for her if she has work travel or a sick relative to take care of. She needs to handle care for the kids during her custody time.

Any man who cancels a vacation with his current wife or girlfriend in order to cover for his ex’s work trip is going to find himself single pretty damn fast.

And I’m sure the ex wives would prefer their ex husbands be single, which is why some ex wives love trying to make life difficult for their exes and their current partners.

PP here. Admittedly, this is a first marriage for me and my husband, so no exes or kids from prior relationships. I guess I was thinking that you would still try to help cover childcare for each other when needed, because eventually both of you will need that flexibility. Not canceling a booked vacation, but moving dates around during planning to find a mutually convenient time. That's not how it works?

Some people work that way, but it’s not what most people do and most experts would recommend against that. It leads to instability in the kids’ schedules. It’s best to keep to the schedule, be there for your kids when it’s your custody time, and find other people to care for them if you can’t and it’s your custody time.

Some people do have a right of first refusal - meaning if it is your custody time and and you need to hire a babysitter, your ex has the right to have first shot at being the babysitter. But that doesn’t necessarily mean shifting around the rest of the schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

And sometimes the crazy is the reason she is an ex

This must be op. You sound so "snappy" and immature. Grow up. You are only reinforcing my impression that you are not a responsible parent to your own kids.
His kids and his ex, are clearly his priorities. Sad, that your kids can't say the same about you.

what the....no man should prioritize his EX.

I disagree with this. She's still the parent of his children. I'm married, but if I ever divorce then I would try to prioritize my ex's needs and work together as a team to raise our kids. I could easily see a scenario where the ex plans to take them on certain dates, but then something else comes up and those dates no longer work. Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?

Now that I'm writing it all out, one possibility is that OP's BF doesn't want to plan blended vacations with OP and the 6 kids and may be using his ex's schedule changes as an excuse to dodge it. The kids might be begging him not to make them go too. It would be a jerk move rather than just telling her if this is the case.

“ Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?”

Yes, of course! Those are her issues to solve now! He’s not responsible for covering for her if she has work travel or a sick relative to take care of. She needs to handle care for the kids during her custody time.

Any man who cancels a vacation with his current wife or girlfriend in order to cover for his ex’s work trip is going to find himself single pretty damn fast.

And I’m sure the ex wives would prefer their ex husbands be single, which is why some ex wives love trying to make life difficult for their exes and their current partners.

PP here. Admittedly, this is a first marriage for me and my husband, so no exes or kids from prior relationships. I guess I was thinking that you would still try to help cover childcare for each other when needed, because eventually both of you will need that flexibility. Not canceling a booked vacation, but moving dates around during planning to find a mutually convenient time. That's not how it works?

Some people do it this way, but some people *and some kids* prefer to just have the schedule be the schedule and not vary it very often. The schedule is designed the way it is for a reason.

It's important to wrap your head around the idea that they are no longer married. They are co-parenting the kid but they are no longer spouse-ing each other. His or her work or extended family obligations are not something the other has to go out of their way to accommodate. Can they of they want to? Sure. But people divorce in order to separate their lives from each other and don't like a constant flow of communication and favors back and forth. Sometimes it is easier to have some space. Especially if one person tends to ask for more flexibility than the other wants to give, or to not reciprocate. Good fences make good neighbors and all. And holding a man accountable for his parenting commitments and not catching his dropped balls is one of the best things about divorce.

Yep. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

And sometimes the crazy is the reason she is an ex

This must be op. You sound so "snappy" and immature. Grow up. You are only reinforcing my impression that you are not a responsible parent to your own kids.
His kids and his ex, are clearly his priorities. Sad, that your kids can't say the same about you.

what the....no man should prioritize his EX.

I disagree with this. She's still the parent of his children. I'm married, but if I ever divorce then I would try to prioritize my ex's needs and work together as a team to raise our kids. I could easily see a scenario where the ex plans to take them on certain dates, but then something else comes up and those dates no longer work. Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?

Now that I'm writing it all out, one possibility is that OP's BF doesn't want to plan blended vacations with OP and the 6 kids and may be using his ex's schedule changes as an excuse to dodge it. The kids might be begging him not to make them go too. It would be a jerk move rather than just telling her if this is the case.

“ Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?”

Yes, of course! Those are her issues to solve now! He’s not responsible for covering for her if she has work travel or a sick relative to take care of. She needs to handle care for the kids during her custody time.

Any man who cancels a vacation with his current wife or girlfriend in order to cover for his ex’s work trip is going to find himself single pretty damn fast.

And I’m sure the ex wives would prefer their ex husbands be single, which is why some ex wives love trying to make life difficult for their exes and their current partners.

PP here. Admittedly, this is a first marriage for me and my husband, so no exes or kids from prior relationships. I guess I was thinking that you would still try to help cover childcare for each other when needed, because eventually both of you will need that flexibility. Not canceling a booked vacation, but moving dates around during planning to find a mutually convenient time. That's not how it works?

Eh, no, it not super common for ex spouses to cover for each other. They divide up the kids according to a schedule and are each responsible for the kids when they are scheduled to have them. That’s a privilege you get from your spouse as a result of being married? It’s no longer the ex wife’s role to cover for her ex husbands work travel or late work nights. Not having to do that is one of the benefits of being divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

And sometimes the crazy is the reason she is an ex

This must be op. You sound so "snappy" and immature. Grow up. You are only reinforcing my impression that you are not a responsible parent to your own kids.
His kids and his ex, are clearly his priorities. Sad, that your kids can't say the same about you.

what the....no man should prioritize his EX.

I disagree with this. She's still the parent of his children. I'm married, but if I ever divorce then I would try to prioritize my ex's needs and work together as a team to raise our kids. I could easily see a scenario where the ex plans to take them on certain dates, but then something else comes up and those dates no longer work. Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?

Now that I'm writing it all out, one possibility is that OP's BF doesn't want to plan blended vacations with OP and the 6 kids and may be using his ex's schedule changes as an excuse to dodge it. The kids might be begging him not to make them go too. It would be a jerk move rather than just telling her if this is the case.

“ Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?”

Yes, of course! Those are her issues to solve now! He’s not responsible for covering for her if she has work travel or a sick relative to take care of. She needs to handle care for the kids during her custody time.

Any man who cancels a vacation with his current wife or girlfriend in order to cover for his ex’s work trip is going to find himself single pretty damn fast.

And I’m sure the ex wives would prefer their ex husbands be single, which is why some ex wives love trying to make life difficult for their exes and their current partners.

PP here. Admittedly, this is a first marriage for me and my husband, so no exes or kids from prior relationships. I guess I was thinking that you would still try to help cover childcare for each other when needed, because eventually both of you will need that flexibility. Not canceling a booked vacation, but moving dates around during planning to find a mutually convenient time. That's not how it works?

Eh, no, it not super common for ex spouses to cover for each other. They divide up the kids according to a schedule and are each responsible for the kids when they are scheduled to have them. That’s a privilege you get from your spouse as a result of being married? It’s no longer the ex wife’s role to cover for her ex husbands work travel or late work nights. Not having to do that is one of the benefits of being divorced.

And it is also why new wives sometimes can't quite understand it. There is parenting and then there is wife-ing. The ex is still parenting, but she is no longer wife-ing! All too often this kind of flexibility is not really "for the kids". It's for the convenience of the ex. It doesn't really benefit the kids to have constant schedule upheaval and what will likely work out to less time with their father. His parenting obligations are his to figure out, they do not become his ex-wife's logistical problem merely because he finds it inconvenient or difficult. New wife, you are the wife now! You get to be flexible and accommodating and consider his schedule. You get to pick up his slack. You get to hear about how his job is so special and important and he could never make any compromises to find something more flexible. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

And sometimes the crazy is the reason she is an ex

This must be op. You sound so "snappy" and immature. Grow up. You are only reinforcing my impression that you are not a responsible parent to your own kids.
His kids and his ex, are clearly his priorities. Sad, that your kids can't say the same about you.

what the....no man should prioritize his EX.

I disagree with this. She's still the parent of his children. I'm married, but if I ever divorce then I would try to prioritize my ex's needs and work together as a team to raise our kids. I could easily see a scenario where the ex plans to take them on certain dates, but then something else comes up and those dates no longer work. Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?

Now that I'm writing it all out, one possibility is that OP's BF doesn't want to plan blended vacations with OP and the 6 kids and may be using his ex's schedule changes as an excuse to dodge it. The kids might be begging him not to make them go too. It would be a jerk move rather than just telling her if this is the case.

“ Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?”

Yes, of course! Those are her issues to solve now! He’s not responsible for covering for her if she has work travel or a sick relative to take care of. She needs to handle care for the kids during her custody time.

Any man who cancels a vacation with his current wife or girlfriend in order to cover for his ex’s work trip is going to find himself single pretty damn fast.

And I’m sure the ex wives would prefer their ex husbands be single, which is why some ex wives love trying to make life difficult for their exes and their current partners.

Honestly, yeah, I might do just that (and I am a woman). I think it is stupid to try and blend a family of teenagers so I wouldn't do it for that reason, but if your ambition is to have a healthy relationship with a new partner while also providing spouse-level support and accommodation to the ex, it's going to be pretty tough. There are only so many hours in the day and with this many people in the family system, the slices of Accomodations Pie get pretty thin. Sometimes it's best not to be each other's source of support and to cultivate other networks that are not your ex and have less baggage. The kids may also come to resent being dumped on you when their father gets busy. Ultimately he needs to learn to stand on his own feet as a parent and make job and family caregiving arrangements accordingly. Not keep his ex as Crisis Wife forever and ever. It gets old fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand this. Doesn’t he/she have a court appointed visitation schedule? Stick with making plans during the time you are scheduled to have the kids. Don’t deviate. There is no need to ask or invoke her in any planning if you stick with the dates/times that are appointed to you

+1. This was my thought as well. I guess I’ve seen lots of scenarios where the kids can’t attend something because the ex has custody those dates and didn’t want to change things around for them to attend. While it sucks, they are 100% within their rights to stick to the schedule, doesn’t matter if their ex has been flexible in the past or if the person their ex is dating has an ex-spouse that is very flexible about plans. What is his week/days he has custody in the summer? Can he plan around that?

He can’t force his ex-wife to change around her court appointed visitation schedule to fit his schedule and your vacation plans with him. He can choose not to be flexible with her but no guarantee that tactic would cause her to be flexible with him, it could instead stir up drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it takes a lot of balls to complain about your partners ex wife when you are busy trying to step in and blend HER kids with yours.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand this. Doesn’t he/she have a court appointed visitation schedule? Stick with making plans during the time you are scheduled to have the kids. Don’t deviate. There is no need to ask or invoke her in any planning if you stick with the dates/times that are appointed to you

+1. This was my thought as well. I guess I’ve seen lots of scenarios where the kids can’t attend something because the ex has custody those dates and didn’t want to change things around for them to attend. While it sucks, they are 100% within their rights to stick to the schedule, doesn’t matter if their ex has been flexible in the past or if the person their ex is dating has an ex-spouse that is very flexible about plans. What is his week/days he has custody in the summer? Can he plan around that?

He can’t force his ex-wife to change around her court appointed visitation schedule to fit his schedule and your vacation plans with him. He can choose not to be flexible with her but no guarantee that tactic would cause her to be flexible with him, it could instead stir up drama.

Being flexible for the kids is one thing. Being flexible for your ex's job or because his girlfriend wants it is different. I'm not the mom of his job or his girlfriend. I only have so much flexibility in my life and I save it for the kids.

[Anonymous]

It is best to keep requests to a minimum. In some marriages and some divorces, fairness about her career vs his career and work travel and daytime parenting obligations is a really sensitive spot. Especially if she is trying to build her earning power to be adequate when it wasn't before. And sometimes people want 50-50 custody to minimize their financial obligations but then they try to get out of actually doing the parenting drudge work. Requests for "flexibility" can come with a lot of baggage and trigger resentment if there is a pattern like that. Best to enjoy the separateness of divorce and figure out your life for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

And sometimes the crazy is the reason she is an ex

This must be op. You sound so "snappy" and immature. Grow up. You are only reinforcing my impression that you are not a responsible parent to your own kids.
His kids and his ex, are clearly his priorities. Sad, that your kids can't say the same about you.

what the....no man should prioritize his EX.

I disagree with this. She's still the parent of his children. I'm married, but if I ever divorce then I would try to prioritize my ex's needs and work together as a team to raise our kids. I could easily see a scenario where the ex plans to take them on certain dates, but then something else comes up and those dates no longer work. Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?

Now that I'm writing it all out, one possibility is that OP's BF doesn't want to plan blended vacations with OP and the 6 kids and may be using his ex's schedule changes as an excuse to dodge it. The kids might be begging him not to make them go too. It would be a jerk move rather than just telling her if this is the case.

“ Would you really tell your ex that she'll have to miss a big work conference or can't take care of her ailing relative post surgery because your GF wants to force all the teens together for a vacation during that time?”

Yes, of course! Those are her issues to solve now! He’s not responsible for covering for her if she has work travel or a sick relative to take care of. She needs to handle care for the kids during her custody time.

Any man who cancels a vacation with his current wife or girlfriend in order to cover for his ex’s work trip is going to find himself single pretty damn fast.

And I’m sure the ex wives would prefer their ex husbands be single, which is why some ex wives love trying to make life difficult for their exes and their current partners.

PP here. Admittedly, this is a first marriage for me and my husband, so no exes or kids from prior relationships. I guess I was thinking that you would still try to help cover childcare for each other when needed, because eventually both of you will need that flexibility. Not canceling a booked vacation, but moving dates around during planning to find a mutually convenient time. That's not how it works?

Eh, no, it not super common for ex spouses to cover for each other. They divide up the kids according to a schedule and are each responsible for the kids when they are scheduled to have them. That’s a privilege you get from your spouse as a result of being married? It’s no longer the ex wife’s role to cover for her ex husbands work travel or late work nights. Not having to do that is one of the benefits of being divorced.

And it is also why new wives sometimes can't quite understand it. There is parenting and then there is wife-ing. The ex is still parenting, but she is no longer wife-ing! All too often this kind of flexibility is not really "for the kids". It's for the convenience of the ex. It doesn't really benefit the kids to have constant schedule upheaval and what will likely work out to less time with their father. His parenting obligations are his to figure out, they do not become his ex-wife's logistical problem merely because he finds it inconvenient or difficult. New wife, you are the wife now! You get to be flexible and accommodating and consider his schedule. You get to pick up his slack. You get to hear about how his job is so special and important and he could never make any compromises to find something more flexible. Enjoy!

Except she's not the wife. She's just the gf. Which is why she needs to chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand this. Doesn’t he/she have a court appointed visitation schedule? Stick with making plans during the time you are scheduled to have the kids. Don’t deviate. There is no need to ask or invoke her in any planning if you stick with the dates/times that are appointed to you

+1. This was my thought as well. I guess I’ve seen lots of scenarios where the kids can’t attend something because the ex has custody those dates and didn’t want to change things around for them to attend. While it sucks, they are 100% within their rights to stick to the schedule, doesn’t matter if their ex has been flexible in the past or if the person their ex is dating has an ex-spouse that is very flexible about plans. What is his week/days he has custody in the summer? Can he plan around that?

He can’t force his ex-wife to change around her court appointed visitation schedule to fit his schedule and your vacation plans with him. He can choose not to be flexible with her but no guarantee that tactic would cause her to be flexible with him, it could instead stir up drama.

Being flexible for the kids is one thing. Being flexible for your ex's job or because his girlfriend wants it is different. I'm not the mom of his job or his girlfriend. I only have so much flexibility in my life and I save it for the kids.

THIS. I'll move my schedule around so kids can attend their kid things. Not so ExH can take work or pleasure trips. Not how it works.

[Anonymous]

Yep! I’ll do anything for my kids because I love them. What I will not do is change my parenting time to accommodate some trip my ex husbands girlfriend wants to take that would mean my kids go on an uncomfortable vacation with his new side pieces brood of teens.

[Anonymous]

I think you are foolish to throw away a wonderful relationship, given how rare it is for people in your situation to find lasting love. You need to set your wish for convenience aside now.