Issues with his exwife and how he handles her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing - your two complaints in your post, that she's inflexible about the schedule, and that he's not willing to fight with her, both sound like GOOD things. You can plan around a predictable schedule. Fighting with your ex when there are kids involved is almost never a good idea.

So in order to convince me that she's the problem, and not you, you're going to have to provide more evidence.

Well I did in one post. And she is flexible when it suits her. He agrees to her changes. She never reciprocates.

She doesn't have to reciprocate. He doesn't have to agree to her changes either. The job of both parents of those 3 kids is to stick to the set schedule. If a particular set of dates don't work for YOU, that's not her problem. Make your summer plans for whatever is in their schedule and then your boyfriend will simply have to hold that boundary. If he is not able to do that, then I think you probably need to reconsider whether he is ready to combine families with you. To an extent, minimizing conflict with the ex is important but it sounds like he is unwilling to prioritize your relationship and y'all's blended family over avoiding conflict with her. That's not a good sign, in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing - your two complaints in your post, that she's inflexible about the schedule, and that he's not willing to fight with her, both sound like GOOD things. You can plan around a predictable schedule. Fighting with your ex when there are kids involved is almost never a good idea.

So in order to convince me that she's the problem, and not you, you're going to have to provide more evidence.

Well I did in one post. And she is flexible when it suits her. He agrees to her changes. She never reciprocates.

She doesn't have to reciprocate. He doesn't have to agree to her changes either. The job of both parents of those 3 kids is to stick to the set schedule. If a particular set of dates don't work for YOU, that's not her problem. Make your summer plans for whatever is in their schedule and then your boyfriend will simply have to hold that boundary. If he is not able to do that, then I think you probably need to reconsider whether he is ready to combine families with you. To an extent, minimizing conflict with the ex is important but it sounds like he is unwilling to prioritize your relationship and y'all's blended family over avoiding conflict with her. That's not a good sign, in my experience.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It's not important to him to blend families. Maybe it's because his kids don't want to, or maybe he doesn't, or both.

OP, it's time to have a candid conversation with your BF regarding what each of you wants out of this. You're getting angry when he won't take the steps to blend families with things like vacation, but that might not be his goal. Hugs to you. This can't be easy and I hope everything works out for you.

[Anonymous]

This is why most "blended" families fail. Like 75% if both partners are bringing kids to the situation. Look - if you love this man, date him. Keep dating him as long as it is working. The desire to vacation with all the kids together is really about YOU TWO and not about the kids. Your kids probably don't want new step siblings. They probably don't care much about who their parents are dating.

Save yourselves all the grief and just enjoy dating each other! Go on vacation together on the days neither of you are scheduled to have custody of the kids, and then no one else can influence or stress the situation.

If you are truly happy and in love, you can maintain a relationship with this man without forcing vacations and such with his kids that require his ex's cooperation. That's your choice, and you can control it.

[Anonymous]

We are a fully blended family. Two of our adult kids (step siblings) share an apartment. The kids are all very close. My DH’s ex was nuts when we got married 24 years ago. And she is still nuts. There is nothing magical about the kids turning 18. You’ll still be dealing with that crazy until one of you dies. Now it’s graduations, weddings, grandkids, and holiday visits instead of visitation.

My advise - Don’t add to the chaos. It’s not fair to the kids. You be the calm center in the storm. The kids will figure out who they can trust when they get older. I don’t push visits with the adult kids. I just tell them we are happy whenever they are able to be here. Stay above the need to control. Accept that she will be a part of your life for a very long time. If you can do that, you’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a fully blended family. Two of our adult kids (step siblings) share an apartment. The kids are all very close. My DH’s ex was nuts when we got married 24 years ago. And she is still nuts. There is nothing magical about the kids turning 18. You’ll still be dealing with that crazy until one of you dies. Now it’s graduations, weddings, grandkids, and holiday visits instead of visitation.

My advise - Don’t add to the chaos. It’s not fair to the kids. You be the calm center in the storm. The kids will figure out who they can trust when they get older. I don’t push visits with the adult kids. I just tell them we are happy whenever they are able to be here. Stay above the need to control. Accept that she will be a part of your life for a very long time. If you can do that, you’ll be fine.

For us it was magical. Toward the end the ex wouldn't let Dad see the kids and did everything possible to push him out of their lives. So, it ended the screaming phone calls demanding more money, calls screaming about the kids behavior (what could he do if he wasn't able to see or talk to them), and other demands. We didn't have to feel obligated to answer the phone, listen to her rants or any of that. Or, step in and clean up her/their messes.

Let the kids go on vacation with their parents. In less the kids are asking for it, they deserve 1-1 time with their parent and not forced into a blended situation. If he has the kids 1/2 or less time you have plenty of time to spend with him. Let his time with them be with them.

[Anonymous]

This is very much not the case with my bf and his exwife. She is reactive and controlling, esp when she has any hint that I am involved in plans or whatever. She is very inflexible on the schedule (I get that this is how some divorces are and have a right to be.) But the issue is his lack of wanting to fight with her and how it affects our relationship. I truly love this man. We have known each other for years. But I am reaching my breaking point in terms of boundaries.
Are you actually reading anything you wrote?
You are a girlfriend! That's it. She is the mother of his kids whom he puts first and their kids. As he should be.
For years you have known each other? What does that mean? You were his affair? You knew him when he was married in some capacity?
Why can't you have some self respect and do what is best for you and your kids?
Honestly, your BOYFRIEND and his ex sound like great parents. You and your dh sound like kids come last, after all your girlfriends and boyfriends and your vacation is to put your boyfriend as a priority?
If I was your kid, I would hate you guts and your boyfriends guts. I would know that I am the last thing in mom's head.
So needy and insecure.

[Anonymous]

I think it takes a lot of balls to complain about your partners ex wife when you are busy trying to step in and blend HER kids with yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

And sometimes the crazy is the reason she is an ex

This must be op. You sound so "snappy" and immature. Grow up. You are only reinforcing my impression that you are not a responsible parent to your own kids.
His kids and his ex, are clearly his priorities. Sad, that your kids can't say the same about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very much not the case with my bf and his exwife. She is reactive and controlling, esp when she has any hint that I am involved in plans or whatever. She is very inflexible on the schedule (I get that this is how some divorces are and have a right to be.) But the issue is his lack of wanting to fight with her and how it affects our relationship. I truly love this man. We have known each other for years. But I am reaching my breaking point in terms of boundaries.
Are you actually reading anything you wrote?
You are a girlfriend! That's it. She is the mother of his kids whom he puts first and their kids. As he should be.
For years you have known each other? What does that mean? You were his affair? You knew him when he was married in some capacity?
Why can't you have some self respect and do what is best for you and your kids?
Honestly, your BOYFRIEND and his ex sound like great parents. You and your dh sound like kids come last, after all your girlfriends and boyfriends and your vacation is to put your boyfriend as a priority?
If I was your kid, I would hate you guts and your boyfriends guts. I would know that I am the last thing in mom's head.
So needy and insecure.

YES!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a fully blended family. Two of our adult kids (step siblings) share an apartment. The kids are all very close. My DH’s ex was nuts when we got married 24 years ago. And she is still nuts. There is nothing magical about the kids turning 18. You’ll still be dealing with that crazy until one of you dies. Now it’s graduations, weddings, grandkids, and holiday visits instead of visitation.

My advise - Don’t add to the chaos. It’s not fair to the kids. You be the calm center in the storm. The kids will figure out who they can trust when they get older. I don’t push visits with the adult kids. I just tell them we are happy whenever they are able to be here. Stay above the need to control. Accept that she will be a part of your life for a very long time. If you can do that, you’ll be fine.

THIS is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very much not the case with my bf and his exwife. She is reactive and controlling, esp when she has any hint that I am involved in plans or whatever. She is very inflexible on the schedule (I get that this is how some divorces are and have a right to be.) But the issue is his lack of wanting to fight with her and how it affects our relationship. I truly love this man. We have known each other for years. But I am reaching my breaking point in terms of boundaries.
Are you actually reading anything you wrote?
You are a girlfriend! That's it. She is the mother of his kids whom he puts first and their kids. As he should be.
For years you have known each other? What does that mean? You were his affair? You knew him when he was married in some capacity?
Why can't you have some self respect and do what is best for you and your kids?
Honestly, your BOYFRIEND and his ex sound like great parents. You and your dh sound like kids come last, after all your girlfriends and boyfriends and your vacation is to put your boyfriend as a priority?
If I was your kid, I would hate you guts and your boyfriends guts. I would know that I am the last thing in mom's head.
So needy and insecure.

He should put his kids first, not his ex wife. They are ex's for a reason. Why do you always assume Dad cheated? In some situations, like my husband's, it was the ex who cheated and left to be with the AP. You are assuming the ex is a great parent. Great parents work together and if you take what OP is saying, the ex wife isn't working together and Dad just humors mom so he can see his kids.

[Anonymous]

Don't make any plans that don't go by the book of the agreement. Period.

I too have a very flexible, easy custody agreement. We make changes that support our child. it is much better.

For him, we have to go to the divorce agreement every single time, despite the strict rules not being best for the kids. Get used to it.

[Anonymous]

We get this same post once a month or so. Ages and number of kids get different, to throw us off the scent!
Who wants to bet this is the same op, whose DH cheated and she moved on too quickly. Then nanny told her, hey, that's too fast with the new guy, be there for your kid. Then her sister told her, you are moving too fast.
We told her so many times, over and over again.
Recently, her scenarios change, but it is clear that she is the AP, and that she still can't put her kid first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very much not the case with my bf and his exwife. She is reactive and controlling, esp when she has any hint that I am involved in plans or whatever. She is very inflexible on the schedule (I get that this is how some divorces are and have a right to be.) But the issue is his lack of wanting to fight with her and how it affects our relationship. I truly love this man. We have known each other for years. But I am reaching my breaking point in terms of boundaries.
Are you actually reading anything you wrote?
You are a girlfriend! That's it. She is the mother of his kids whom he puts first and their kids. As he should be.
For years you have known each other? What does that mean? You were his affair? You knew him when he was married in some capacity?
Why can't you have some self respect and do what is best for you and your kids?
Honestly, your BOYFRIEND and his ex sound like great parents. You and your dh sound like kids come last, after all your girlfriends and boyfriends and your vacation is to put your boyfriend as a priority?
If I was your kid, I would hate you guts and your boyfriends guts. I would know that I am the last thing in mom's head.
So needy and insecure.

He should put his kids first, not his ex wife. They are ex's for a reason. Why do you always assume Dad cheated? In some situations, like my husband's, it was the ex who cheated and left to be with the AP. You are assuming the ex is a great parent. Great parents work together and if you take what OP is saying, the ex wife isn't working together and Dad just humors mom so he can see his kids.

Once again, you op or someone in similar situation? Yes, we know, OP's DH cheated and she moved on to a new guy really fast. And everyone told her, hey, slow down, put your kid first.
As for your hang up, if you are not op, ex wife and ex dh are working together. That is exactly why OP is upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very much not the case with my bf and his exwife. She is reactive and controlling, esp when she has any hint that I am involved in plans or whatever. She is very inflexible on the schedule (I get that this is how some divorces are and have a right to be.) But the issue is his lack of wanting to fight with her and how it affects our relationship. I truly love this man. We have known each other for years. But I am reaching my breaking point in terms of boundaries.
Are you actually reading anything you wrote?
You are a girlfriend! That's it. She is the mother of his kids whom he puts first and their kids. As he should be.
For years you have known each other? What does that mean? You were his affair? You knew him when he was married in some capacity?
Why can't you have some self respect and do what is best for you and your kids?
Honestly, your BOYFRIEND and his ex sound like great parents. You and your dh sound like kids come last, after all your girlfriends and boyfriends and your vacation is to put your boyfriend as a priority?
If I was your kid, I would hate you guts and your boyfriends guts. I would know that I am the last thing in mom's head.
So needy and insecure.

YES!!

Yep. Doesn't op sound familiar? Every month of so, same post?