When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be public. Do you announce to the group if you go take a dump? Why not, if it’s true? Do you tell the server when you go out for girls night if you dislike her hair? Why not, if it’s true? Sometimes things don’t need to be shared because they’re better left private or they could hurt someone’s feelings.

What purpose do you hope to achieve by saying you dislike this person? Are you hoping someone else will agree and you won’t be alone in your dislike? Maybe start edging her out of the group? Do you just need to get it off your chest? You could probably share with someone who doesn’t know her and then it wouldn’t make your group feel awkward.

If you really don’t get why it’s not polite to say you dislike one person in your group to another person in that group, or to that person herself, maybe reflect on how well you understand social cues and see if there’s a pattern of you making what DCUM would consider missteps on a regular basis. Are you often outspoken and offending people for the sake of honesty? Do you feel like manners and polite social norms are fake and not worthy of your time or effort?

I think you are missing the point that in this scenario, I have a reason to dislike this person. I don’t just randomly dislike someone because of the sound or their voice or the way they look. Personally, I’ve never disliked someone who wasn’t a jerk either to me or someone I care about. So saying “Yeah, I don’t like her” isn’t some random attack on an innocent person. It’s an expression of my experience. “Yeah, I don’t like her. She never pays her portion of a group tab” or “she mocked Jenny behind her back and Jenny is my best friend” or “she told people at work about my anxiety disorder without considering that it was private mental health issue.”

I don’t get the pearl clutching. Yes, if I dislike someone and have a good reason for it (which, since I’m a rational person, I must) then of course I’m going to tell people that I dislike them. Why would I keep that to myself? Good manners? What does that even mean in this situation? I disagree with a social norm that says if someone hurts me or someone else, I’m required to be quiet about it because that’s more polite.

If you don't like her, you don't have to be around her! Da dee! Problem solved.

Remove YOURSELF from the group if you can't stand being around her.

Oh wants that? You still want to be around the group?

Well then suck it up, Buttercup. The tribe has spoken. They like her enough to keep inviting her around.

The tribe has spoken: she's in. Now you decide: are you in or out?

Yes! This! "The tribe has spoken," and this woman is in the tribe, whether OP likes it or not. No one is forcing you to be in this group. But yeah. This group includes her. In or out?

What on earth are you all talking about? That’s not how friendship works. I wouldn’t want to be part of a group where you can never level a valid criticism of another member without incurring the wrath of the rest of the group. What if people have real, important differences to be addressed? You just kick out the person who has the guts to speak up? This is cult-y.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

I agree.

+1
So tired of people couching cruelty as “being honest.”

So tired of people couching lying as “being nice”.

[Anonymous]

People like the op who truly believe they should share all their thoughts and feelings are drama queens. They are great at dishing it out, but they can’t take it. Everything is a personal affront. They are exhausting.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets dumped from the group.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you want out of this group. Maybe one on one is best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

I agree.

+1
So tired of people couching cruelty as “being honest.”

So tired of people couching lying as “being nice”.

it’s lying not to go around telling people how much you dislike a mutual friend? ok.

we’re grownups. nobody cares if you like or dislike someone. we just want to have a pleasant time.

[Anonymous]

I am in a group that I consider “rabidly political “ ie their favorite subject and obsession. I don’t agree and it’s exhausting. I’m not going to say I don’t like them but I do find their company exhausting and boring.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone asked OP if she liked this friend? If not, then there is no lie involved. Why does the OP feel the need to be so aggressive and confrontational and make sure this person knows how she feels? I'm sure she knows because it's doubtful OP has been friendly. Why does it have to be made into a thing? Just retreat into separate corners and live and let live.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. So much better to keep it cordial.

[Anonymous]

Some women thrive in groups, others are better having a few best friends. Group dynamics can be difficult.

In our group we’ve always been upfront about our beliefs which For the most part very much align. But when it came to schools re-opening people had vastly different views based on personal experiences and needs. Some people spoke out of anxiety which offended others in the group. Instead of calling them on it or explaining what was offensive some people decided to leave the group chat. Unfortunate and now there’s a level of awkwardness. This past year between politics, schools, Covid, etc. has definitely brought to light who your real tribe is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some women thrive in groups, others are better having a few best friends. Group dynamics can be difficult.

In our group we’ve always been upfront about our beliefs which For the most part very much align. But when it came to schools re-opening people had vastly different views based on personal experiences and needs. Some people spoke out of anxiety which offended others in the group. Instead of calling them on it or explaining what was offensive some people decided to leave the group chat. Unfortunate and now there’s a level of awkwardness. This past year between politics, schools, Covid, etc. has definitely brought to light who your real tribe is.

I’m sorry that happened. I agree this last year has been a kind of crucible for friendships. When it comes to politics, especially really personal political issues like how we educate our kids or racism in our own communities, I think it’s hard to just paper over things with pleasantness.

Recently one of my close friends jumped the vaccine line. Technically qualified but in a very shady way. When I found out I was kind of horrified. I was stressed about whether or not to say anything, but then last night on our group call, it was a relief because two other friends called it out before me. We were able to have a group conversation about it that I think was good for everyone. I’m really glad it got discussed (and grateful to my friends who had the guts to bring it up) because I think it’s the kind of thing that would cause long term awkwardness and resentment. I’m still annoyed with my friend, but I think we’ll be okay now because my feelings are out there and now I feel better. Hopefully others do too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I would never walk up to someone and say “I can’t stand you.” That’s bizarre behavior and if I did that, I wouldn’t have friends at all.

When this has happened to me in the past, I don’t attempt to hide my feelings. I had a friend once who was really rude to service people. I hated it. It embarrassed me when we went out as a group and it also just offends me as someone who has worked those jobs. So when it would happen, I would express my feelings in the moment, for instance by apologizing to a waiter she was rude to. And I started telling people I didn’t want to join group outings she was involved in because her behavior made me uncomfortable. In the end, that friend group kind of dissolved. I’m still friends with a few people but it’s not a regular dinner or drinks thing.

And like I said— no regrets. I do t think what I did was mean. I was honest and I set a boundary of what I was comfortable with. And as a result, I didn’t have to deal with this woman’s behavior anymore. I also think it was an opportunity for her to learn that her behavior was upsetting, and not just to the service folks she used to berate. She’s not my friend anymore, but maybe this experienced helped her learn to be kinder to people. Though I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some women thrive in groups, others are better having a few best friends. Group dynamics can be difficult.

In our group we’ve always been upfront about our beliefs which For the most part very much align. But when it came to schools re-opening people had vastly different views based on personal experiences and needs. Some people spoke out of anxiety which offended others in the group. Instead of calling them on it or explaining what was offensive some people decided to leave the group chat. Unfortunate and now there’s a level of awkwardness. This past year between politics, schools, Covid, etc. has definitely brought to light who your real tribe is.

I’m sorry that happened. I agree this last year has been a kind of crucible for friendships. When it comes to politics, especially really personal political issues like how we educate our kids or racism in our own communities, I think it’s hard to just paper over things with pleasantness.

Recently one of my close friends jumped the vaccine line. Technically qualified but in a very shady way. When I found out I was kind of horrified. I was stressed about whether or not to say anything, but then last night on our group call, it was a relief because two other friends called it out before me. We were able to have a group conversation about it that I think was good for everyone. I’m really glad it got discussed (and grateful to my friends who had the guts to bring it up) because I think it’s the kind of thing that would cause long term awkwardness and resentment. I’m still annoyed with my friend, but I think we’ll be okay now because my feelings are out there and now I feel better. Hopefully others do too.

Was the person who jumped the line (by your standards) on the call, or was your group talking about her?

I don’t understand the need to discuss everything. It’s almost like some women look for reasons to get upset and then fixate on it. Like a DP said, most women just want to have a pleasant time.

Keep it casual. Rally around people who need support. Don’t create drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I would never walk up to someone and say “I can’t stand you.” That’s bizarre behavior and if I did that, I wouldn’t have friends at all.

When this has happened to me in the past, I don’t attempt to hide my feelings. I had a friend once who was really rude to service people. I hated it. It embarrassed me when we went out as a group and it also just offends me as someone who has worked those jobs. So when it would happen, I would express my feelings in the moment, for instance by apologizing to a waiter she was rude to. And I started telling people I didn’t want to join group outings she was involved in because her behavior made me uncomfortable. In the end, that friend group kind of dissolved. I’m still friends with a few people but it’s not a regular dinner or drinks thing.

And like I said— no regrets. I do t think what I did was mean. I was honest and I set a boundary of what I was comfortable with. And as a result, I didn’t have to deal with this woman’s behavior anymore. I also think it was an opportunity for her to learn that her behavior was upsetting, and not just to the service folks she used to berate. She’s not my friend anymore, but maybe this experienced helped her learn to be kinder to people. Though I doubt it.

Well, according to your 4 options, option 1 is "tell people you don't like her" that's pretty clear. And of course that will get back to the person in question, which is probably the intent. Where have I put words in your mouth? If the person said something to you that you took issue with, then it should have been dealt with at the time. You haven't said exactly what this person did to you to cause your ire. Why were you not upfront at the time to directly address it then if that is your MO?