Reply to When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

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Reply to "When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.[/quote]

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.[/quote]

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I would never walk up to someone and say “I can’t stand you.” That’s bizarre behavior and if I did that, I wouldn’t have friends at all.

When this has happened to me in the past, I don’t attempt to hide my feelings. I had a friend once who was really rude to service people. I hated it. It embarrassed me when we went out as a group and it also just offends me as someone who has worked those jobs. So when it would happen, I would express my feelings in the moment, for instance by apologizing to a waiter she was rude to. And I started telling people I didn’t want to join group outings she was involved in because her behavior made me uncomfortable. In the end, that friend group kind of dissolved. I’m still friends with a few people but it’s not a regular dinner or drinks thing.

And like I said— no regrets. I do t think what I did was mean. I was honest and I set a boundary of what I was comfortable with. And as a result, I didn’t have to deal with this woman’s behavior anymore. I also think it was an opportunity for her to learn that her behavior was upsetting, and not just to the service folks she used to berate. She’s not my friend anymore, but maybe this experienced helped her learn to be kinder to people. Though I doubt it.[/quote]

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