When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

Pretty done with Mean Girl OP.

"Honesty" does not mean saying everything you think out loud.

There's dishonest: "Oh I adore you, Amy! We're best friends!"

There's best-behavior cordial: "Hi Amy! I like your dress [keep moving and sit at the opposite end of the table]."

There's honest: [if someone actually asks you if you like her] "We don't have much in common, but then again we do share a lot of friends."

And then there's Mean Girl: "Uggghhh, I don't know why Eliza insisted on inviting Amy. I don't like her. Just being HONEST."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

If you honest don't get why walking up to someone in a group and saying "I don't like you and I don't want you in this group" is mean, even though it is true, you legit might be a psychopath, and DCUM can't help you. Seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Regarding your latest thread, OP - because it would cause drama and disrupt the harmony of the group. And even if you feel justified, it’s unkind. It takes little effort to politely decline and avoid.

I have a high threshold for a broad range of behavior and actual appreciate bluntness in people, when it’s clear they mean well; it’s not a bad thing to know where people stand.
But I draw the line at meanness. I don’t think u would cut *you* out of the group, as PPs suggested, but it would create an uncomfortable dynamic.

Remember - as much as you dislike this person, she still seems to be liked and included by the group; it’s not likely she’s all bad.

[Anonymous]

^^ meant - regarding your latest *post*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be public. Do you announce to the group if you go take a dump? Why not, if it’s true? Do you tell the server when you go out for girls night if you dislike her hair? Why not, if it’s true? Sometimes things don’t need to be shared because they’re better left private or they could hurt someone’s feelings.

What purpose do you hope to achieve by saying you dislike this person? Are you hoping someone else will agree and you won’t be alone in your dislike? Maybe start edging her out of the group? Do you just need to get it off your chest? You could probably share with someone who doesn’t know her and then it wouldn’t make your group feel awkward.

If you really don’t get why it’s not polite to say you dislike one person in your group to another person in that group, or to that person herself, maybe reflect on how well you understand social cues and see if there’s a pattern of you making what DCUM would consider missteps on a regular basis. Are you often outspoken and offending people for the sake of honesty? Do you feel like manners and polite social norms are fake and not worthy of your time or effort?

I think you are missing the point that in this scenario, I have a reason to dislike this person. I don’t just randomly dislike someone because of the sound or their voice or the way they look. Personally, I’ve never disliked someone who wasn’t a jerk either to me or someone I care about. So saying “Yeah, I don’t like her” isn’t some random attack on an innocent person. It’s an expression of my experience. “Yeah, I don’t like her. She never pays her portion of a group tab” or “she mocked Jenny behind her back and Jenny is my best friend” or “she told people at work about my anxiety disorder without considering that it was private mental health issue.”

I don’t get the pearl clutching. Yes, if I dislike someone and have a good reason for it (which, since I’m a rational person, I must) then of course I’m going to tell people that I dislike them. Why would I keep that to myself? Good manners? What does that even mean in this situation? I disagree with a social norm that says if someone hurts me or someone else, I’m required to be quiet about it because that’s more polite.

If you don't like her, you don't have to be around her! Da dee! Problem solved.

Remove YOURSELF from the group if you can't stand being around her.

Oh wants that? You still want to be around the group?

Well then suck it up, Buttercup. The tribe has spoken. They like her enough to keep inviting her around.

The tribe has spoken: she's in. Now you decide: are you in or out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty done with Mean Girl OP.

"Honesty" does not mean saying everything you think out loud.

There's dishonest: "Oh I adore you, Amy! We're best friends!"

There's best-behavior cordial: "Hi Amy! I like your dress [keep moving and sit at the opposite end of the table]."

There's honest: [if someone actually asks you if you like her] "We don't have much in common, but then again we do share a lot of friends."

And then there's Mean Girl: "Uggghhh, I don't know why Eliza insisted on inviting Amy. I don't like her. Just being HONEST."

The bolded is not actually honest if you do in fact dislike someone. I mean maybe you DO have a lot in common, but even if you don’t, it’s beside the point. If someone says “Do you like Amy?” and you don’t, saying “We don’t have a lot in common but we do share a lot of friends” is actually a SUPER passive aggressive way of communicating that you don’t like her.

I would argue this response is much more “mean girl” than just saying “No, I do not.” Because the passive-aggressive response implies that you don’t like her without saying it. So if the person you say this to later tells people that you don’t like Amy, you can say “No I don’t! I just said we don’t have a lot in common!” This kind of plausible deniability, vaguely negative but couched in neutral terms, language is a big part of “relational aggression” which is how women subtly bully each other starting in adolescence.

At least the person who owns up to what she actually thinks has chosen to own her feelings. And if needed, Amy could actually ask “Hey, why don’t you like me?” And they could have an actual mature conversation about their actual feelings and maybe resolve the conflict. It’s impossible to resolve a conflict people deny exists. It just festers.

This whole thread is about women thinking the “polite” thing to do is hide your feelings and lie. Disturbing.

[Anonymous]

OP. you would seem immature and mean if you chose to handle your dislike for somebody by...telling everyone else in the about it and then icing the person out yourself. Are you 15? Don't you realise how much of a bitch you will seem if you start gossiping about her this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

If you honest don't get why walking up to someone in a group and saying "I don't like you and I don't want you in this group" is mean, even though it is true, you legit might be a psychopath, and DCUM can't help you. Seek therapy.

That was not one of the four options presented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. you would seem immature and mean if you chose to handle your dislike for somebody by...telling everyone else in the about it and then icing the person out yourself. Are you 15? Don't you realise how much of a bitch you will seem if you start gossiping about her this way?

Again, never actually suggest “telling everyone in the world about it and icing them out of the group.” Nor do I endorse gossip. Saying “I don’t like Larla” isn’t gossip. Talking about your feelings and experiences is not gossip.

Honestly, the responses on this thread increasingly seem very immature to me. It’s not “mean” to tell someone what you think. You can do it in a mean way, but it’s not inherently mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty done with Mean Girl OP.

"Honesty" does not mean saying everything you think out loud.

There's dishonest: "Oh I adore you, Amy! We're best friends!"

There's best-behavior cordial: "Hi Amy! I like your dress [keep moving and sit at the opposite end of the table]."

There's honest: [if someone actually asks you if you like her] "We don't have much in common, but then again we do share a lot of friends."

And then there's Mean Girl: "Uggghhh, I don't know why Eliza insisted on inviting Amy. I don't like her. Just being HONEST."

This!

Plus:

The reality is everyone encounters people they don’t like, but normal people employ social niceties when moving through life.

Think about what we tell our kids about being kind and polite. Has OP just thrown those rules out the window? Does her honesty trump basic decency?

Gentle tip, op: your larger group might like the other lady or her husband better than you. Tread lightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty done with Mean Girl OP.

"Honesty" does not mean saying everything you think out loud.

There's dishonest: "Oh I adore you, Amy! We're best friends!"

There's best-behavior cordial: "Hi Amy! I like your dress [keep moving and sit at the opposite end of the table]."

There's honest: [if someone actually asks you if you like her] "We don't have much in common, but then again we do share a lot of friends."

And then there's Mean Girl: "Uggghhh, I don't know why Eliza insisted on inviting Amy. I don't like her. Just being HONEST."

This!

Plus:

The reality is everyone encounters people they don’t like, but normal people employ social niceties when moving through life.

Think about what we tell our kids about being kind and polite. Has OP just thrown those rules out the window? Does her honesty trump basic decency?

Gentle tip, op: your larger group might like the other lady or her husband better than you. Tread lightly.

Gross. Why would I want a friend group where women evaluate each other based on their husbands.

Also, I tell my kid to be honest about her feelings because I don’t want her indoctrinated into the idea that she has to be nice to everyone do that they will like her. I would never endorse her being mean (name calling, excluding someone to purposefully hurt them, etc.). But if she says “I don’t like [kid from school]” I don’t tell her that’s not okay. I ask her why and we discuss whether it’s something that should be addressed (like of the kid is aggressive or unkind or doesn’t respect boundaries) or just someone to steer clear of (personalities don’t mesh so we’re not going to do play dates). But I’d never tell her “don’t say that” or force her to spend time with someone she didn’t like just because it’s polite. I’m sure that kid can find other friends. My daughter doesn’t need to like everyone, and in the case of someone she dislikes with good reason, I want her to know it’s always ok to say what she’s feeling or experiencing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty done with Mean Girl OP.

"Honesty" does not mean saying everything you think out loud.

There's dishonest: "Oh I adore you, Amy! We're best friends!"

There's best-behavior cordial: "Hi Amy! I like your dress [keep moving and sit at the opposite end of the table]."

There's honest: [if someone actually asks you if you like her] "We don't have much in common, but then again we do share a lot of friends."

And then there's Mean Girl: "Uggghhh, I don't know why Eliza insisted on inviting Amy. I don't like her. Just being HONEST."

The bolded is not actually honest if you do in fact dislike someone. I mean maybe you DO have a lot in common, but even if you don’t, it’s beside the point. If someone says “Do you like Amy?” and you don’t, saying “We don’t have a lot in common but we do share a lot of friends” is actually a SUPER passive aggressive way of communicating that you don’t like her.

I would argue this response is much more “mean girl” than just saying “No, I do not.” Because the passive-aggressive response implies that you don’t like her without saying it. So if the person you say this to later tells people that you don’t like Amy, you can say “No I don’t! I just said we don’t have a lot in common!” This kind of plausible deniability, vaguely negative but couched in neutral terms, language is a big part of “relational aggression” which is how women subtly bully each other starting in adolescence.

At least the person who owns up to what she actually thinks has chosen to own her feelings. And if needed, Amy could actually ask “Hey, why don’t you like me?” And they could have an actual mature conversation about their actual feelings and maybe resolve the conflict. It’s impossible to resolve a conflict people deny exists. It just festers.

This whole thread is about women thinking the “polite” thing to do is hide your feelings and lie. Disturbing.

I disagree if it's within the context of a friend group, because there's a shared interest in keeping the peace. If someone asked if I like my neighbors three doors down, I'd say no. Because I don't actively choose to socialize with him! I don't proactively elect to go places where he will be, and break bread at the same table. Me = don't like my neighbor = avid him = problem solved.

In the context of a friend group, saying you don't like someone can create ripples and rifts and consequences for the whole group. If you want to be on the group, you keep the peace. No one is holding a gun to OP's heads telling her she has to socialize with this woman. She chooses to. Choices have consequences and down sides, sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be public. Do you announce to the group if you go take a dump? Why not, if it’s true? Do you tell the server when you go out for girls night if you dislike her hair? Why not, if it’s true? Sometimes things don’t need to be shared because they’re better left private or they could hurt someone’s feelings.

What purpose do you hope to achieve by saying you dislike this person? Are you hoping someone else will agree and you won’t be alone in your dislike? Maybe start edging her out of the group? Do you just need to get it off your chest? You could probably share with someone who doesn’t know her and then it wouldn’t make your group feel awkward.

If you really don’t get why it’s not polite to say you dislike one person in your group to another person in that group, or to that person herself, maybe reflect on how well you understand social cues and see if there’s a pattern of you making what DCUM would consider missteps on a regular basis. Are you often outspoken and offending people for the sake of honesty? Do you feel like manners and polite social norms are fake and not worthy of your time or effort?

I think you are missing the point that in this scenario, I have a reason to dislike this person. I don’t just randomly dislike someone because of the sound or their voice or the way they look. Personally, I’ve never disliked someone who wasn’t a jerk either to me or someone I care about. So saying “Yeah, I don’t like her” isn’t some random attack on an innocent person. It’s an expression of my experience. “Yeah, I don’t like her. She never pays her portion of a group tab” or “she mocked Jenny behind her back and Jenny is my best friend” or “she told people at work about my anxiety disorder without considering that it was private mental health issue.”

I don’t get the pearl clutching. Yes, if I dislike someone and have a good reason for it (which, since I’m a rational person, I must) then of course I’m going to tell people that I dislike them. Why would I keep that to myself? Good manners? What does that even mean in this situation? I disagree with a social norm that says if someone hurts me or someone else, I’m required to be quiet about it because that’s more polite.

If you don't like her, you don't have to be around her! Da dee! Problem solved.

Remove YOURSELF from the group if you can't stand being around her.

Oh wants that? You still want to be around the group?

Well then suck it up, Buttercup. The tribe has spoken. They like her enough to keep inviting her around.

The tribe has spoken: she's in. Now you decide: are you in or out?

Yes! This! "The tribe has spoken," and this woman is in the tribe, whether OP likes it or not. No one is forcing you to be in this group. But yeah. This group includes her. In or out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty done with Mean Girl OP.

"Honesty" does not mean saying everything you think out loud.

There's dishonest: "Oh I adore you, Amy! We're best friends!"

There's best-behavior cordial: "Hi Amy! I like your dress [keep moving and sit at the opposite end of the table]."

There's honest: [if someone actually asks you if you like her] "We don't have much in common, but then again we do share a lot of friends."

And then there's Mean Girl: "Uggghhh, I don't know why Eliza insisted on inviting Amy. I don't like her. Just being HONEST."

The bolded is not actually honest if you do in fact dislike someone. I mean maybe you DO have a lot in common, but even if you don’t, it’s beside the point. If someone says “Do you like Amy?” and you don’t, saying “We don’t have a lot in common but we do share a lot of friends” is actually a SUPER passive aggressive way of communicating that you don’t like her.

I would argue this response is much more “mean girl” than just saying “No, I do not.” Because the passive-aggressive response implies that you don’t like her without saying it. So if the person you say this to later tells people that you don’t like Amy, you can say “No I don’t! I just said we don’t have a lot in common!” This kind of plausible deniability, vaguely negative but couched in neutral terms, language is a big part of “relational aggression” which is how women subtly bully each other starting in adolescence.

At least the person who owns up to what she actually thinks has chosen to own her feelings. And if needed, Amy could actually ask “Hey, why don’t you like me?” And they could have an actual mature conversation about their actual feelings and maybe resolve the conflict. It’s impossible to resolve a conflict people deny exists. It just festers.

This whole thread is about women thinking the “polite” thing to do is hide your feelings and lie. Disturbing.

I disagree if it's within the context of a friend group, because there's a shared interest in keeping the peace. If someone asked if I like my neighbors three doors down, I'd say no. Because I don't actively choose to socialize with him! I don't proactively elect to go places where he will be, and break bread at the same table. Me = don't like my neighbor = avid him = problem solved.

In the context of a friend group, saying you don't like someone can create ripples and rifts and consequences for the whole group. If you want to be on the group, you keep the peace. No one is holding a gun to OP's heads telling her she has to socialize with this woman. She chooses to. Choices have consequences and down sides, sometimes.

And what I’m saying is that passive aggressively saying “Oh we don’t have a lot in common but we know a lot of the same people” would not keep the peace. It would lead to way more gossip and hurt feelings than just stating “no I don’t like her because [reason].”

You think you can avoid conflict by just saying nice things all the time. But you can’t. People see through that and it causes far more problems in the long run. So yes, choices have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

I agree.

+1
So tired of people couching cruelty as “being honest.”