Setting hard limits with DH on pot use

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious if one pro cannabis person is sock puppeting this thread or if this many people really find this acceptable.

Ask Jeff, then. I wouldn't personally waste his time on something so petty and nonsensical. But you do you.

[Anonymous]

I think you need a good reason to force your DH to stop doing something that he finds relaxing.

You mention being an example to the kids. That's fair, but only if it affects his parenting or they notice. Not clear that they do notice, and it sounds like he is a good parent.

You are worried about his health? You don't really talk about that, and that is legitimate, but not clear that this is affecting his health more than many other things that are common -- drinking, junk food, sedentary lifestyle.

You are worried that it is just papering over deeper mental issues? Possibly. Certainly the pandemic is making things worse, and maybe he's just trying to get help with anxiety, boredom, etc. But certainly threatening divorce is the wrong approach if you are worried about his mental issues.

It sounds like you don't like it and have vague misgivings about it, and that you don't like that he doesn't quit when you ask him to. I think that absent some good reason to ask him to stop, you are just being controlling. Do you have a history of being controlling? Has your DH or anyone else in your life suggested you are a control freak?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have talked to him, it doesn’t change things. What next, do I threaten divorce?

No, you chill the F out.

Get a medical card and start partaking yourself. It sounds like you need it.

Tell you what, if your DH makes a decent salary, is kind and a good father, I'll take him off your hands. I don't drink but I do enjoy an occasional toke. I guarantee he'll appreciate being with me much more than a negative old harpie who is always coming down on him about having a couple of nightly hits of mj during a pandemic.

What a surprise you don’t already have a desirable partner!

[Anonymous]

You're framing this as within your control (you setting limits on his actions), when it is not. The only thing you can control is how you react to his choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have talked to him, it doesn’t change things. What next, do I threaten divorce?

No, you chill the F out.

Get a medical card and start partaking yourself. It sounds like you need it.

Tell you what, if your DH makes a decent salary, is kind and a good father, I'll take him off your hands. I don't drink but I do enjoy an occasional toke. I guarantee he'll appreciate being with me much more than a negative old harpie who is always coming down on him about having a couple of nightly hits of mj during a pandemic.

What a surprise you don’t already have a desirable partner!

I actually do. Newsflash, it doesn't really matter. Are you brand new here? DH is going to cheat on you the moment he has an opportunity. When the world starts to open back up? Watch out, DH's like yours and similarly browbeaten DW's are going to be on the prowl for eacgother like heat seeking missles.

It's called hyperbole. So sad that had to be spelled out for you.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to focus less on "drugs are bad, mmmkay?" and more on how his behavior is actually affecting the family. Is he disengaged from the kids or so zoned out that they wonder what's wrong with him? Is he leaving you to do all the housework? Address the impact. Otherwise you are just nagging him for using a legally prescribed medication for no particular reason except you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious if one pro cannabis person is sock puppeting this thread or if this many people really find this acceptable.

Of course it's acceptable. We've been fed a bunch of lies about cannabis. Unless you are both new to it and smoking too much, the effects are quite mild. I would be much more impaired by a few glasses of wine. I wouldn't work or drive on cannabis, but other than that I am perfectly capable of normal conversation and normal household activities such as cooking, cleaning, and yes, parenting. When my kids are old enough, I will tell them the truth - that cannabis helps a lot of people with various health conditions feel better, but it's not good for kids whose brains are still developing and of course smoking anything is bad for your lungs.

[Anonymous]

I lurk on these threads because my DH smokes daily, multiple times a day, as well. I hate it. We have fought over it. It has changed my feelings towards him and my opinion of him, but I am trying desperately to be accepting of it because I love him. He claims it is his medicine. He says things like, 'would you rather I just take xanex and/or prozac"?, as if those are the ONLY options. He claims he needs it to be able to function. At the same time, he's perpetually unemployed, surly, unmotivated, emotionally lazy, and clearly depressed. So, not sure HOW its "helping" him. Now our teenage son smokes regularly. He barely graduated HS and currently has "no plans" for the foreseeable future. I hear many anecdotes about high-functioning professionals who manage to smoke every day "just to relax" but I have yet to meet these people. I see people claiming that the kids arent watching really and its fine. In my life anyway, the people I know who are well employed and functioning have healthy habits. This does not mean these people NEVER smoke or drink, but they don't do it with the type of frequency I see my DH engage in. I think its definitely a spectrum and to call the OP here a shitty wife is to make several assumptions about how innocent the husband is in all this. I also think it is VERY apparent the our son's use can be traced back to the very casual attitude DH displayed about it. He continues to come in from the garage wreaking of it, thinking he can mask it was cologne. Cannabis is like ANY substance. It can be abused. Dealing with someone who is delusional about their addictions is way it impacts their family is isolating and mentally exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lurk on these threads because my DH smokes daily, multiple times a day, as well. I hate it. We have fought over it. It has changed my feelings towards him and my opinion of him, but I am trying desperately to be accepting of it because I love him. He claims it is his medicine. He says things like, 'would you rather I just take xanex and/or prozac"?, as if those are the ONLY options. He claims he needs it to be able to function. At the same time, he's perpetually unemployed, surly, unmotivated, emotionally lazy, and clearly depressed. So, not sure HOW its "helping" him. Now our teenage son smokes regularly. He barely graduated HS and currently has "no plans" for the foreseeable future. I hear many anecdotes about high-functioning professionals who manage to smoke every day "just to relax" but I have yet to meet these people. I see people claiming that the kids arent watching really and its fine. In my life anyway, the people I know who are well employed and functioning have healthy habits. This does not mean these people NEVER smoke or drink, but they don't do it with the type of frequency I see my DH engage in. I think its definitely a spectrum and to call the OP here a shitty wife is to make several assumptions about how innocent the husband is in all this. I also think it is VERY apparent the our son's use can be traced back to the very casual attitude DH displayed about it. He continues to come in from the garage wreaking of it, thinking he can mask it was cologne. Cannabis is like ANY substance. It can be abused. Dealing with someone who is delusional about their addictions is way it impacts their family is isolating and mentally exhausting.

I mean...it sounds like he should be taking Xanax or Prozac...Saying he needs cannabis to function isn't a great argument from someone who is not actually functioning. I'm sorry to hear your son seems to be going down the same path.

But yeah, there are plenty of high functioning professionals who smoke every day. You probably know some. They just don't talk about it because of the stigma.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's acceptable. We've been fed a bunch of lies about cannabis. Unless you are both new to it and smoking too much, the effects are quite mild. I would be much more impaired by a few glasses of wine. I wouldn't work or drive on cannabis, but other than that I am perfectly capable of normal conversation and normal household activities such as cooking, cleaning, and yes, parenting. When my kids are old enough, I will tell them the truth - that cannabis helps a lot of people with various health conditions feel better, but it's not good for kids whose brains are still developing and of course smoking anything is bad for your lungs.

NP. This is not reality, it’s the excuses you use to justify your actions. First, you set up a false dichotomy because there is not a necessary choice between alcohol and cannabis. The reason you would not work and it is illegal to drive under the influence of cannabis is because it impairs your reactions and decision-making process. Those are basic functions that you also need in order to parent (especially in an emergency), cook, etc. If you are high when you are “on” with your kids, you are a shi!!y parent. How can you help with homework or discuss substantive issues with a teen when you are high? Many studies (some cited above) have concluded that cannabis has a negative impact on motivation. I don’t want that for my adult partner, let alone my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely curious if one pro cannabis person is sock puppeting this thread or if this many people really find this acceptable.

Of course it's acceptable. We've been fed a bunch of lies about cannabis. Unless you are both new to it and smoking too much, the effects are quite mild. I would be much more impaired by a few glasses of wine. I wouldn't work or drive on cannabis, but other than that I am perfectly capable of normal conversation and normal household activities such as cooking, cleaning, and yes, parenting. When my kids are old enough, I will tell them the truth - that cannabis helps a lot of people with various health conditions feel better, but it's not good for kids whose brains are still developing and of course smoking anything is bad for your lungs.

I get that there is too much stigma around pot, but I don’t think people should be drinking wine every night either. Pot is healthier but drugs are drugs and just because you can keep up normal activities when you’re on them doesn’t mean it’s fine. That is the excuse a lot of alcoholics make.

Also it would be super weird for a parent to take off in the middle of family time every night to go drink in the garage for however many minutes. I think that’s the main issue, the dynamic with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t answer your question, sorry.

No, I don’t think it’s fair to insist that he not use cannabis except when your kids aren’t around. When the heck is he going to get to use it? Kids are ALWAYS around, we’re locked down.

A few puffs of cannabis is the rough equivalent of a glass or two or wine, and we all know that plenty of parents of older kids think nothing whatsoever of indulging in a glass or two of wine, or a beer, in the presence of their older kids who don’t require the same supervision level as young kids. If you’d also have a problem with that then you are pretty puritanical and maybe you and husband aren’t as compatible as you once thought.


Have you ever used cannabis yourself?

For real? A friend of mine takes a few hits from the vape pen for medicinal reasons and then gets in the car and drives the kids from point A to point B. I wondered whether this was safe, but since it's not my place to intervene (his wife can do that) I didn't, but does it impair driving? I know nothing about cannabis for medicinal purposes-is there a medicinal grade that you can take a hit and then drive, or it's all the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, you can’t control him, but you can control yourself. Decide the usage you can handle and act accordingly. For me, I could not accept the nightly usage. I would insist on a visit to his doctor and I would accompany him. If he balks at this, you have your answer.

That’s treating him like a child.

I mean, I guess you could divorce over this but I wouldn’t.

It shows you are serious. Do you really think this guy is going to inform his doctor that he needs his weed every night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t answer your question, sorry.

No, I don’t think it’s fair to insist that he not use cannabis except when your kids aren’t around. When the heck is he going to get to use it? Kids are ALWAYS around, we’re locked down.

A few puffs of cannabis is the rough equivalent of a glass or two or wine, and we all know that plenty of parents of older kids think nothing whatsoever of indulging in a glass or two of wine, or a beer, in the presence of their older kids who don’t require the same supervision level as young kids. If you’d also have a problem with that then you are pretty puritanical and maybe you and husband aren’t as compatible as you once thought.


Have you ever used cannabis yourself?

For real? A friend of mine takes a few hits from the vape pen for medicinal reasons and then gets in the car and drives the kids from point A to point B. I wondered whether this was safe, but since it's not my place to intervene (his wife can do that) I didn't, but does it impair driving? I know nothing about cannabis for medicinal purposes-is there a medicinal grade that you can take a hit and then drive, or it's all the same?

It does impair driving

[Anonymous]

Drugs are doled out by prescription. The medical marijuana supply has 0 limits.