Setting hard limits with DH on pot use

[Anonymous]

What’s up with the “against federal law” poster/s? Do you think the DEA is doing drug busts on people like OP’s DH?

At any rate, OP, could you explain what about the practice is bothering you so much? Are you against marijuana just for the sake of it? Do you think the kids are noticing, is he shirking in his parenting duties, is his work suffering....? Maybe we can help with practical solutions if we understand the problem better.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I have tried talking to him calmly and rationally when he’s sober. The issue is that he agrees he shouldn’t be stoned in front of the kids and continues to do it.

[Anonymous]

I smoke and these threads devolve into "let him smoke" or "divorce him, he is a loser."
The truth is somewhere in between. He is using marijuana during family time and even breaking away from a family movie to use. There is something going on that is causing him to feel the need to get high while with the family. That may be anxiety, a stressful set of kids, you, or his own set of issues. Figure that out with him, compassionately.

I am not implying that he is addicted but take the approach of addiction where there is an underlying set of issues guiding the drug use. Nothing happens in a vacuum.

Also, talk to your kids. I use and I guarantee that marijuana impacts motivation, memory and ability to function. Do whatever you can to keep your kids from thinking it is a recreational substance rather than a medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I have tried talking to him calmly and rationally when he’s sober. The issue is that he agrees he shouldn’t be stoned in front of the kids and continues to do it.

That isn't the issue, you are missing the point. The issue is why he feels the need to get high while around the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the “against federal law” poster/s? Do you think the DEA is doing drug busts on people like OP’s DH?

At any rate, OP, could you explain what about the practice is bothering you so much? Are you against marijuana just for the sake of it? Do you think the kids are noticing, is he shirking in his parenting duties, is his work suffering....? Maybe we can help with practical solutions if we understand the problem better.

I’ve thought about this and I suppose I don’t want our teens knowing he uses. They are at a young and impressionable stage in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I have tried talking to him calmly and rationally when he’s sober. The issue is that he agrees he shouldn’t be stoned in front of the kids and continues to do it.

That isn't the issue, you are missing the point. The issue is why he feels the need to get high while around the family.

Right but that’s just it. When we talk about it he says he shouldn’t but does anyway.

[Anonymous]

It’s incredibly easy to get a MMC. The fact that he got one doesn’t mean it’s necessary (or non-damaging) to his health. If he’s feeling badly enough that he’s smoking daily and not fulfilling his obligations (like keeping his agreement to alter time/frequency) then he needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist who can help him with a therapy and or medication regimen.

[Anonymous]

He’s an adult. You don’t control him.

Sorry but this thread reminds me of women who limit screen time to a weekly family movie or serve a “portion” of 5 M&Ms for dessert. Tiger mom DCUM style doesn’t work on other adults!

And before you ask, I do not use pot (or drink).

[Anonymous]

Of course, you can’t control him, but you can control yourself. Decide the usage you can handle and act accordingly. For me, I could not accept the nightly usage. I would insist on a visit to his doctor and I would accompany him. If he balks at this, you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, you can’t control him, but you can control yourself. Decide the usage you can handle and act accordingly. For me, I could not accept the nightly usage. I would insist on a visit to his doctor and I would accompany him. If he balks at this, you have your answer.

That’s treating him like a child.

I mean, I guess you could divorce over this but I wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

I would certainly not be having sex with a stoner who can’t keep his word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He IS using it when your kids aren’t around - he goes out to the garage, sparing them the odor and smoke.

What does it matter if he sits there ‘looking stoned’? What does that mean anyway - he sits there all mellow? Are his eyes red? Get him some eye drops.

The bigger thing is, why are you being such a Puritan about this? Marijuana is legal for medicinal use because it’s effective and safe - much safer than benzodiazepines and even SSRIs/SNRIs. John Boehner is heavily invested in the medical marijuana industry now, so are many other conservatives.

Your teenage kids don’t have the attitude toward marijuana that you do, unless they got it from you. The world has changed and this country is finally coming to its senses about how ridiculous and damaging all the Reefer Madness propaganda was and how we’ve wrecked millions of lives over a substance that is far less harmless than alcohol.

I’m sorry I called you a shitty wife, that was a very poor persuasion tactic and it just wasn’t nice either. I’m trying very hard to be nicer to strangers online.

Seriously, please take some time to reconsider your attitudes about cannabis. Start by stopping your habit of calling it pot, and your habit of now thinking of your DH as a pot head. Think instead about how you’d feel if your DH succumbed to his anxiety/depression/chronic insomnia/stress/whatever that he is battling and for which he was approved to get a MMC.

Just FYI, I’m a former prosecutor and I know up close and personal the dirty little secret - that lots of the law & order types who sold us all on the war on drugs and the evils of weed are also folks who enjoyed it themselves whenever they wanted and benefitted from being the type of people whose lives would never be ruined over it. The decades long campaign to indoctrinate the American people on the evils of weed is finally dying; be on the right side of history AND be a supportive wife. This is not a terrible thing. Your kids won’t think less of their dad for him using cannabis unless YOU plant that seed.

There is some evidence pot can help with anxiety, but it absolutely makes depression worse. And CBD + melatonin is just as effective for sleep without making you stupid. Listen, I'm a casual user, but smoking when your teens are around? That's a recipe for disaster. OP's husband isn't interacting with his family at night because he's choosing to get high and watch movies in a zone. He needs therapy and healthy lifestyle choices. It's a joke that people are painting marijuana as a medicine. This allows them to start smoking when they wake up (like my loser unemployed UMC neighbor) and continue through until bedtime, which would absolutely be in the cards for OP's DH if they didn't have kids at home. No smoking when teen kids are at home. Period. You cannot be high around your children.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't respond to a conversation with your concerns, I'd go get some coke or shrooms and tell him I'll be hanging out in my room. Or just walk into the kitchen all casually at 9am and pour yourself a huge glass of wine. What? It's medicine, it helps with my anxiety. Waaaay better than exercise, therapy, meditation, doing the actual work, ya know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't stay married to a guy who thinks it's appropriate to get stoned at ALL, much less every night and even much less around our kids. Holy moly. Absolute dealbreaker.

Agree

[Anonymous]

I am all for recreational pot use but this is seriously overkill. Seems like he is using too much to really be present with his family the way a husband and parent would ideally be.

It seems like with something like this you need some kind of wake up call. Maybe ask him to read a book about the importance of family relationships or something?

Also marijuana use does tend to make people a bit fuzzier the next day and it can be hard to do well at work if you have an intellectual job. Hope that isn’t happening too.