Setting hard limits with DH on pot use

[Anonymous]

What’s with so many PPs thinking this is okay?? So the kids - who no doubt aren’t dumb and know what’s going on, or at least wonder why Daddy looks and acts out of it every night - will grow up thinking daily pot use is normal? It’s not. He’s clearly bored or depressed or selfish or all three. He really needs to act like a dad. That’s the problem here. If you didn’t have kids, not as big an issue. But you do, so he needs to pull on his big boy pants and quit.

[Anonymous]

And I wonder what his plan is when his kids want to smoke pot. Kids need their minds sharp for school and most can’t hack it while smoking pot all the time. How is his plan to just tell them “do what I say not what I do?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone’s a serious control freak.

Cannabis is an excellent and highly effective treatment for stress, anxiety and depression - things that cause men to drop dead of heart attacks or commit suicide. We’re in the middle of a once in a century pandemic, economic meltdown, and crisis in our democracy and we’re all distressed about the impact it is having on our children. Your husband is legally utilizing a medicinal herb to address his mental health and you aren’t articulating a single behavior that he’s engaging in that is detrimental to you or your children except the very fact that he’s utilizing a legal substance to address his mental health.

You sound like a seriously shitty wife. You and your ‘enraged’ buddy are the ones with a problem, not your husband.

NP. LOL. What kind of man is so emotionally and mentally frail that he needs to get stoned every day? If he's depressed there are real meds for that, and therapy. Hubby just wants to get stoned and check out and leave all the parenting and household responsibilities to his wife. And exercise is 1000x more effective at reducing anxiety and stress. I think the OP should shred his MMC and put a peloton in the garage with a big bow on it. Lardy stoner husband needs to step it up.

NP. LOL what kind of fool (like PP quoted) makes so many assumptions in their own judgmental rant replying to OP?

Asking for a friend...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I have tried talking to him calmly and rationally when he’s sober. The issue is that he agrees he shouldn’t be stoned in front of the kids and continues to do it.

This right here is evidence he has a problem.

And before the stoner loser on here who keeps attacking OP and telling everyone to chill out chimes in...
A few months back, I was drinking often enough that I realized I had a problem despite having no physiological dependency on alcohol. I could stop after 2 drinks, but it was a mental crutch, just like OP's DH's pot use. It doesn't have to be a physical addiction to be a problem. He's got a psychological problem that will absolutely affect his kids. His teen will either use and have a completely reasonable defense of "what's the big deal?" Or his teen will shift his thinking about his dad into understanding he's a weak loser. I've seen this over and over again with teens and their parents' alcohol use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I have tried talking to him calmly and rationally when he’s sober. The issue is that he agrees he shouldn’t be stoned in front of the kids and continues to do it.

That isn't the issue, you are missing the point. The issue is why he feels the need to get high while around the family.

Right but that’s just it. When we talk about it he says he shouldn’t but does anyway.

As the now ex spouse of a person with mental illness, I say you need to re-confront him again, empathetically. Keep a journal for a few weeks, because he will try to gaslight you (no, I never got high in front of the kids). You need to say to him that you are worried that he promised to keep his use within certain limits but he hasn’t been able to, that to you that means he is really unhappy or anxious all the time around even those who love him the most. Ask him to share with you honestly about his worries and fears. Ask him to get evaluated with a psychiatrist and therapist. Be prepared with a psychiatry appointment that you’ve already made. Give him a list of three therapists that you’ve already found are taking new patients. Find out what is covered under your insurance and encourage him to get help. It’s not so easy to find who’s in network and taking new patients, so you will have to do that leg work.

The point is that if he is getting high every day, the MJ isn’t working. He could take medication and get an antidepressant effect without the disconnect from being high. Also, he would continue to be able to drive and be rational in emergencies if he were on medication instead of MJ. Despite what PPs say, there are a lot of benefits of meds over MJ. Encourage him to talk to a psychiatrist and get educated about meds, and make the decision together with his doctor about whether/what to try.

Meanwhile, if he refuses (and even if he doesn’t), get your own therapist. Your marriage has taken a significant turn and you need help dealing with it. Despite all the vitriol you have received above, you are entitled to decide that you don’t want to live with someone who is stoned or drunk all the time, with all that entails about being unavailable in the relationship and for co-parenting. You can’t make your DH stop using, but you are entitled to decide if you want to live like that and if you think it’s good for the kids to live like that.

My DH wasn’t smoking pot, but he was drinking to control the lack of sleep in the mania of bipolar depression. While we were together, he would not stick with AA or take medicines regularly or be honest with his doc about what was going on. He wasn’t available emotionally to me. He wasn’t taking care of his health. And, he wasn’t available emotionally to the kids or to be an equal co-parent. I was willing to be supportive and encouraging, but 2 years of that was enough. We separated. The kids were, of course, sad, but the are also made sad by the choices their dad has made that stem from untreated mental illness. Meanwhile, they have some comfort from the fact that they have one home that is stable with a parent who listens and guides and provides a healthy example of how to be sober or drink responsibly and care for their own health. 15 years later, I am so glad I made the decision they did, because both kids were able to avoid drug and alcohol use and sought treatment willingly when they developed depression (unsurprising that they would develop mental health challenges as there is a long and strong family history of it).

I am not saying you must divorce OP, but neither do you have to listen to the PPs who are shaming you for your feelings about the marijuana use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone’s a serious control freak.

Cannabis is an excellent and highly effective treatment for stress, anxiety and depression - things that cause men to drop dead of heart attacks or commit suicide. We’re in the middle of a once in a century pandemic, economic meltdown, and crisis in our democracy and we’re all distressed about the impact it is having on our children. Your husband is legally utilizing a medicinal herb to address his mental health and you aren’t articulating a single behavior that he’s engaging in that is detrimental to you or your children except the very fact that he’s utilizing a legal substance to address his mental health.

You sound like a seriously shitty wife. You and your ‘enraged’ buddy are the ones with a problem, not your husband.

So you don’t think it’s a fair compromise the that he partake when our children aren’t around? That it’s okay to sit there looking stoned (which he does) in front of our teens? Guess I’m a seriously shitty wife then. Thanks.

Normally I would agree, but when are the kids not around nowadays? During the pandemic getting away is not so easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone’s a serious control freak.

Cannabis is an excellent and highly effective treatment for stress, anxiety and depression - things that cause men to drop dead of heart attacks or commit suicide. We’re in the middle of a once in a century pandemic, economic meltdown, and crisis in our democracy and we’re all distressed about the impact it is having on our children. Your husband is legally utilizing a medicinal herb to address his mental health and you aren’t articulating a single behavior that he’s engaging in that is detrimental to you or your children except the very fact that he’s utilizing a legal substance to address his mental health.

You sound like a seriously shitty wife. You and your ‘enraged’ buddy are the ones with a problem, not your husband.

So you don’t think it’s a fair compromise the that he partake when our children aren’t around? That it’s okay to sit there looking stoned (which he does) in front of our teens? Guess I’m a seriously shitty wife then. Thanks.

Normally I would agree, but when are the kids not around nowadays? During the pandemic getting away is not so easy.

It’s not easy but many of us do it without using drugs. You can just google and you can get ideas on how to do that. For what it’s worth I am fine with people getting high, but if you think you need to stop, you need to find other ways to de-stress (often with the help of a partner or friend).

[Anonymous]

Another poster who does not think a couple hits per night is a big deal. I think vape pens are bad* and he should switch to another medium, but let the poor guy step away for a few minutes. Unless he acts impaired, what’s the big deal?

I know you don’t want your children exposed, so talk to him about that. Come to an agreement.

*I have an automatic air filter and I vaped once and that thing went crazy. It kicked up so high I never vaped again.**

**Except for once at a wedding.

[Anonymous]

I have talked to him, it doesn’t change things. What next, do I threaten divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assure you the teens already realize their dad is smoking weed daily, the smell is unmistakable.

Yeah they aren’t idiots. Does he have a medical need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assure you the teens already realize their dad is smoking weed daily, the smell is unmistakable.

You're an idiot. You obviously have no idea about modern vaping THC.

[Anonymous]

Jeez. I wouldn't care at all. Are the kids really paying that close attention sitting there in the dark with a movie on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have talked to him, it doesn’t change things. What next, do I threaten divorce?

No, you chill the F out.

Get a medical card and start partaking yourself. It sounds like you need it.

Tell you what, if your DH makes a decent salary, is kind and a good father, I'll take him off your hands. I don't drink but I do enjoy an occasional toke. I guarantee he'll appreciate being with me much more than a negative old harpie who is always coming down on him about having a couple of nightly hits of mj during a pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Genuinely curious if one pro cannabis person is sock puppeting this thread or if this many people really find this acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez. I wouldn't care at all. Are the kids really paying that close attention sitting there in the dark with a movie on?

No, the teens definitely aren't paying that much attention. It's all in OP's head. She has posted about this before. She is completely insufferable.