Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like an Indian. You dodged a bullet. Nothing wrong with Indian men, but if someone's family is so dead set against you without even knowing you, I promise you that doesn't bode well for the future.

Sounds like almost every non-Western culture.

Women are fooling themselves if they think that they can trust a non-western man in his 40s without kids who claims he does not want any. It's pretty much a guarantee that this was going to happen.

-African immigrant.

[Anonymous]

What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you wanted a FWB scenario and so did he. It ended. Big whoop! You are a divorcee and your marriage to the father of your three kids did not work out. I am sure that was a bigger disappointment than some guy you are boinking for 6 months calling it quits.

He was just not into you and neither were you into him. You both were each others pandemic fuzkbuddies. Its not so deep. Seriously.

Op here: I do not have 3 kids. Not that if matters now but I wanted to cancel my wedding and then divorce immediately. I had family pressure to stay and hand an accidental pregnancy. No, my divorce was easy. My marriage was always a miserable horrible mistake. No disappointment whatsoever. Just relieved and sad I did not get out at the beginning like I wanted. ExH and I were never in love and never meant to be. No connection ever. Just a stupid mistake that ruined me being able to start over.

This is very disappointing. I felt something for this guy and thought it could be long term. I do not need or want the legal or financial entanglements of remarriage.

It did not feel at all like a FWB situation at all. He was crying when he broke it off: he is not happy about it and says as recently as 2 days ago that he misses me a lot. He said he was getting serious and afraid of getting deeper.

OP. The bolded is the lie that you need to grab by the bull horns and tackle down to the mofo ground. It is a lie, and only as powerful as your belief in it. Learn the truth about yourself and your value, and how some mistakes, losses and seeming misfortune build respectable character, compassion, wisdom, honor, loyalty, mercy. You are only ruined if you ruin yourself. No circumstance can control how you choose to respond to it. I hope 2021 reveals that beautiful parts of you that are NOT ruined, and are sitting and waiting patiently to be watered and nurtured with YOUR self care, so those seeds can bloom beautifully.

You never know who may stop and smell those blooms! 😊

OP here: this scenario exactly proves my bolded statement...there is no way to truly start over like I wanted to being divorced with kids. I have accepted I will never be able marry or have children with someone I actually wanted to do that with. A series of mistakes and pressure led to a bad marriage and unplanned kids—I was planning a divorce before a shock positive pregnancy.

I asked many times if a long term bf/gf situation was ok. I was not expecting family knowing....if it became serious later, maybe but not now. That is why I am disappointed. And this happening is evidence that the statement in bold is 100% accurate.

DP here. Good lord OP, you don't get a do over for creating a family. You need to find a way to stop viewing your children as part of mistake for which you've decided that you're not culpable. You're responsible for this on so many levels. It's crazy for you to think that this man should be satisfied with a secret relationship, foregoing marriage and children for the rest of his life because it works best for you. Of course his family doesn't want that for him. He sounds very immature to have been manipulated by you.

There was no manipulation. I asked early if my status was a problem. I said I did not want to get in the way if he wanted kids. He assured me it was okay. I was hesitant. He pursued me. I am surprised he did not expect that family reaction. I did not see the point if not at a serious point. He said repeatedly he did not want to marry and have a family at this age...but then he started to feel serious about me.

No manipulativeness at play.

Lucky for you that you did not experience a birth control fail twice. I did. Abortion was not an option. There was no action between the kids or after. The agreement before the marriage was no kids—we could not agree on how to raise them before marriage. It was just not the plan.

I agree with OP that there was no manipulation. The guy saw a beautiful woman and his desire to be honest about the realities of their situation were overshadowed by his desire for her companionship and sex. He is the liar here not OP. OP was just too naive/desperate to see past the bs.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think op dodged a bullet. A never married no kids guy from a different culture? This was a very obvious ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

DP I think this poster thinks you'd benefit from therapy. I can see why. I think it is mostly to do with self esteem issues and realistic expectations from relationships. We all make mistakes but it helps to come from a solid place, especially if there are kids in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Whatever the reason, it's over so stop wasting energy on this. Move on. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, the outcome of this relationship does NOT prove your theory that your chances of “starting over” are ruined. I mean yes, you can’t go back in a time machine and erase the past, but you need to make peace with that rather than looking back in bitter regret. You can still have a happy, fulfilling relationship (although if you start out at the gate saying you will never marry or tell your family about a partner, then this might be a self-fulfilling prophecy).

So no, this relationship didn’t prove ANYTHING except this is the wrong guy...which isn’t an uncommon outcome when dating. There may be something else going on that he’s not telling you, or he might be a commitment-phobe, or it might just be his siblings’ reaction...but I would advise you to stop looking at it as confirmation that your choice to marry all those years ago is coming back to bite you again. That is a cognitive distortion that will keep you feeling helpless and defeated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

I'm glad you wouldn't bring your kids around your fligs. Your previous comments made it seems like you would.

As for therapy your reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I suspect you have issues with boundaries, self-esteem managing expectations, you also come across as needlessly aggresive. Therapy would be beneficial to you personaly and help you in future relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever the reason, it's over so stop wasting energy on this. Move on. Good luck.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

I'm glad you wouldn't bring your kids around your fligs. Your previous comments made it seems like you would.

As for therapy your reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I suspect you have issues with boundaries, self-esteem managing expectations, you also come across as needlessly aggresive. Therapy would be beneficial to you personaly and help you in future relationships.

Op here: I do not think my reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I was upfront about my situation and assured it was fine. There were discussions that neither family would approve if we met in our 20s. I was pleasantly surprised how well things were going. I am surprised by the naïveté that family would take it easier than he thought. I did not think family should get involved unless we got to a serious point. We were not there yet. Multiple times he said he did not want to start having children in his 40s. He does not want to spend the energy and feels too old.

I do not have issues you allude to. There are no boundary or other issues. I believe what people tell me what they want—that is not having unrealistic expectations. The about face was unexpected because it was not at the stage to mention me with the status I have...otherwise it will kill it unless someone is committed and in a serious stage. I felt a little lied to because he should not have pursued me the way he did if siblings’ criticism is enough to end it. I feel this is likely to happen to him with any woman...not just me...but that is why I feel like I probably dodged a bullet. It will take me a little time to forget this...perfectly normal.

I am not needlessly aggressive when someone makes a comment that my kids don’t need to meet someone I am banging. I said nothing to insinuate that ever happened. I said I spent non-kid time with him. I was defending myself from a false accusation. That is not being overly aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

I'm glad you wouldn't bring your kids around your fligs. Your previous comments made it seems like you would.

As for therapy your reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I suspect you have issues with boundaries, self-esteem managing expectations, you also come across as needlessly aggresive. Therapy would be beneficial to you personaly and help you in future relationships.

Op here: I do not think my reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I was upfront about my situation and assured it was fine. There were discussions that neither family would approve if we met in our 20s. I was pleasantly surprised how well things were going. I am surprised by the naïveté that family would take it easier than he thought. I did not think family should get involved unless we got to a serious point. We were not there yet. Multiple times he said he did not want to start having children in his 40s. He does not want to spend the energy and feels too old.

I do not have issues you allude to. There are no boundary or other issues. I believe what people tell me what they want—that is not having unrealistic expectations. The about face was unexpected because it was not at the stage to mention me with the status I have...otherwise it will kill it unless someone is committed and in a serious stage. I felt a little lied to because he should not have pursued me the way he did if siblings’ criticism is enough to end it. I feel this is likely to happen to him with any woman...not just me...but that is why I feel like I probably dodged a bullet. It will take me a little time to forget this...perfectly normal.

I am not needlessly aggressive when someone makes a comment that my kids don’t need to meet someone I am banging. I said nothing to insinuate that ever happened. I said I spent non-kid time with him. I was defending myself from a false accusation. That is not being overly aggressive.

You are sounding unstable OP. You dated for 6 months. It is his choice if/when/what he shares with his family. You don't get to dictate that or be "upset" with him for telling his family. He is a grown man. Time to move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

This. You have repeatedly said it wasn’t serious and that you were fine with marriage not being in the cards. A grown man controlled by his family is not a grown man, he’s a child. 40+ yo women with children should not be dating a child. Stop the drama and let this not serious relationship go.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ve read so many of your posts. I say this with empathy and kindness as I am in almost the exact same situation as you - divorced with two kids after a massive error of a marriage - you need therapy. You seem fixated, angry and reactive. Maybe I’m wrong. But until you can forgive yourself and truly let go of the anger the happiness and love you’re seeking will continue to elude you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve read so many of your posts. I say this with empathy and kindness as I am in almost the exact same situation as you - divorced with two kids after a massive error of a marriage - you need therapy. You seem fixated, angry and reactive. Maybe I’m wrong. But until you can forgive yourself and truly let go of the anger the happiness and love you’re seeking will continue to elude you. Good luck.

This. And yes your reaction is disproportionate to the situation..You have said repeatedly it wasn't serious. He decided he was no longer interested. This is not worthy of you spending days stressing over or ranting in a multiple page thread. Move on from him. Get therapy, let go of your anger, and need to be right. Good luck to you.